acceptance that leads to freedom

I had a thought yesterday as I was doing accounting on a Friday afternoon. I think viewing homosexuality as a pathology that can be changed or managed or diminished can keep people trapped in other issues not necessarily related to homosexuality but that can result from not feeling accepted as a gay person (low self esteem, depression, body image issues, addiction, etc).

In some Facebook groups, a lot of guys will talk about these issues as though they result from having same sex attraction or like they are all part of the disorder of same sex attraction.

If you attach those side issues to your same sex attraction, I can see how it would be difficult to eventually work through them and arrive at a healthier place because the same sex attraction never goes away. It might ebb and flow, but it's always still there.

I feel like once I was able to accept my sexuality as a normal and God given part of me, it freed up emotional energy to work through all my other issues that I thought were all part of struggling with same sex attraction but were actually completely separate issues. Accepting my sexuality freed me from a whole lot of unnecessary struggling that was actually keeping me from doing real work that led to actual results and changes that made me happier and healthier and freed me from the demons of low self esteem, depression, addiction, etc.

This is exactly the opposite of what I thought would happen. I assumed accepting that part of me as something good and healthy and worthy of expression in healthy ways would enslave me. Instead, it ended up freeing me.

what i wished i'd said at a party

Last night I went to a birthday party. I could be wrong, but I think everyone there was Mormon and most attend a young single adult congregation that I used to attend. At some point early on, the conversation turned toward what had happened that day in Relief Society. (If you’re not Mormon, that’s the meeting at church where all the women gather for a lesson.) Apparently, the woman giving the lesson veered away from the assigned lesson which she didn’t feel comfortable teaching and which I think was about families (or maybe mothers since it was Mother’s Day). It sounded like she veered the lesson towards a discussion of ways one might feel offended at church and what to do about it. Judging by the discussion of the women at the party, it was not well received, at least not by them anyway. One woman said that she made the comment that if you feel offended at church, then it’s the influence of Satan. Several congratulated her on her comment and said she was spot on and they all (or least those who were vocal about it) seemed pretty dismissive of the teacher and the lesson she chose to give.


It was around about this point in the conversation that I tried to keep my head from spinning around in 360 degree circles on my neck with steam pouring out of my ears. A couple of caveats before I continue though. I realize that I was hearing this all second hand and that you are hearing it from me third hand (unless of course you were at the party and present for the lesson, which is entirely possible because I know some who were present might read this), so it’s entirely possible that I am completely misinterpreting what happened. However, there were some ideas expressed, that taken alone made my head spin.

Here’s the thing about Satan. If you say that someone feels or behaves a certain way because of Satan, it’s really hard not to take that as personally offensive. Also, Satan makes for a really great scape goat sometimes that prevents us from digging into ourselves in an effort to more fully understand our own emotions and behavior, or the emotions and behavior of others. Feeling offended at church or like you don’t belong? It’s Satan’s fault! Having a hard time breaking your porn habit? Blame Satan! Having a hard time forgiving the person who sexually assaulted you? Satan has a hold on you! Can you see how using Satan as a scapegoat is maybe simplifying things a little too much? Or how it might not be helpful or empowering to tell someone Satan has a hold on them when they are already feeling down or depressed or hurt?

Having grown up in the church and being gay, I can say that there are some pretty legitimate reasons to feel offended at church. Sure, we have some say in how long we carry that with us, but some hurt doesn’t just wash away overnight. It hasn’t been uncommon to hear the homosexuals blamed at church for the deterioration of the family and therefore society. It’s hard not to take that personally. Ernest Wilkinson said the following in an address to the entire student body of BYU in 1965:

Nor do we intend to admit to our campus any homosexuals. If any of you has this tendency and have not completely abandoned it, may I suggest that you leave the University immediately after this assembly…we do not want others on this campus to be contaminated by your presence.*

Again, it’s hard not to take that kind of stuff personally. Sure, you could say that was almost 50 years ago, get over it, but that attitude permeated Mormon culture and arguably still exists in some pockets. I don’t mean to make this post all about me and the issue that I care about and that affects me directly. I guess my point is, we all have our own issues that we’re sensitized to for whatever reasons and we all too often dismiss the issues that concern others.

I think one of the most important lessons I’ve learned over the past few years is that just because I don’t have the same concerns as someone else, doesn’t make their concerns invalid or not worthy of my attention or consideration. Just because something doesn’t offend me, doesn’t mean it’s not offensive. Part of learning to mourn with those that mourn is having the patience and the curiosity to seek to understand another person’s pain, even (or especially) if it doesn’t immediately resonate with me.

*This address by Ernest Wilkinson is referenced in this keynote address given by Taylor Petrey at the 2012 Compassionate Cause Symposium at the University of Washington.

painful progress

So I'm lying here in bed listening to this guy speak in 2000 from the Vermont house chamber about his experience of being an openly gay Vermont legislator when Vermont was debating a civil union bill.  This is part of what he said:

"There remains afoot in Vermont prejudice against gay men and lesbians. ... I have been called names in this chamber, in this building, the likes of which I have never experienced in my life — my personal life or my political life. And I've watched come true what I have always known to be true. That those who stand beside gay and lesbian people as their allies ... they get targeted, too...

"I've had members of my committee say, 'I couldn't sleep at night; I've had knots in my stomach.' I wouldn't have wished this on any of them."

Then I started thinking about how in spite of all the good progress that's been made in the church on the topic of homosexuality, I'm finding it hard at times to engage or celebrate the progress.  I think that in part it's because there are still lots of conditions in place and an air of subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) condescension towards those who are gay.  Sure, before nobody even attempted to parse out the "sinner" from the "sin" in order to love the former and not the latter (a mantra I despise).  The "sinner" and the "sin" were wrapped up in one neat little package to loathe. I'm glad we've moved on to softening the language and being more inclusive.

The fact remains though, that there are conditions and condescension still in place that were born of that original disgust and disdain.  A disgust and disdain that led Ernest Wilkinson to say the following to the entire BYU student body in the 60's when he was president of BYU:

"We [at BYU] do not intend to admit to our campus any homosexuals. If any of you have this tendency and have not completely abandoned it, may I suggest that you leave the university immediately after this assembly; and if you will be honest enough to let us know the reason, we will voluntarily refund your tuition. We do not want others on this campus to be contaminated by your presence."

And this is just one instance of countless.  And I guess that's why lately it feels hard for me to celebrate any progress.  Because I feel hints of that original disgust in all the conditions and condescension. The hateful things that have been said aren't far enough in the past to be able to separate them from the hesitancy that exists in the current outreach.  The calls for love and inclusivity ring hollow when the church is silent on the issue of the BSA ban on those who are LGBT, or silent on a statewide nondiscrimination bill in Utah, while at the same time being all too eager to jump to file an amicus brief with the Supreme Court.

To be sure, the gradual shifts are welcome.  I think the pace of the shifting when considered with the history of outright disdain and disgust just reminds of how far we have yet to go.

working out our own salvation together

The following is a post I did for Far Between.

I recently had the opportunity of describing my experience of being gay and Mormon in a stake leadership training meeting. My stake president has been wanting to change the atmosphere in our stake to be friendlier to gay and lesbian members, and as a step in that process he called this meeting and invited bishoprics, relief society presidents, young men’s and young women’s presidents as well as the heads of the corresponding stake auxiliaries and the high council. The first 20 minutes or so the stake president used the church’s new website to talk about what the church’s current doctrine and stance are on the topic and to also talk about the importance of reaching out with love to gay members.
The rest and majority of the meeting was a panel consisting of Josh Weed and his wife Lolly, Josh’s father, me and another gay man in the stake. We each introduced ourselves briefly and then opened it up to a Q & A with those in attendance.
The meeting went about as well as you could expect it to considering it was a stake leadership meeting and the topic was homosexuality. I’ve lived in the stake for almost 10 years and so there were lots of familiar faces in the meeting, some of whom already knew I was gay and others who probably didn’t. It felt good to talk openly about my reality in a church setting with some friendly and familiar faces. Part of what made it feel good is that I was there to contribute to the meeting in a significant way by sharing my experiences and answering questions and therefore having an influence on the messaging surrounding the topic at hand.
Typically when homosexuality has been addressed in my experiences with various church meetings, it has been straight priesthood leaders telling me how to live the gospel or what the experience of a same sex attracted member should be, and it’s often boiled down to a very simplistic “be faithful and it will all turn out in the end.” (Even though what feels like a fairly core aspect of myself seems to directly conflict with core aspects of the gospel.) These men mean well, but their counsel and advice has often felt like I imagine counsel and advice would sound from a man telling a room full of women what to expect when they’re expecting.
I guess a shorter way of saying that is that it felt good to be included in a way that gave me the opportunity to contribute to greater understanding of the group by sharing what my experience has been instead of having someone tell me what my experience is or should be. The former feels empowering and soul expanding; the latter feels incredibly frustrating and demeaning.
I’ve been fortunate in that I have a pretty great bishop and stake president. Both know that I am dating a man and neither one has directly tried to talk me out of the relationship. My stake president teaches the doctrine in general terms, and when it comes to me specifically he reaches out with love, admiration and encouragement. My bishop is genuinely curious and asks appropriate questions and listens a lot. He has told me my boyfriend is welcome to join me at church. A couple of Sundays before the stake leadership meeting, my bishop and stake president gave me a blessing. I won’t go into the specifics of what was said during and after the blessing, but it was pretty clear to me that my stake president has gone through his own conversion process on the topic. He’s really taken the time to humble himself and study and pray and listen and admit that he doesn’t have many answers, things that anyone wanting to approach this topic successfully will benefit from greatly.
The stake president has now started traveling to each individual ward in the stake to do a combined priesthood and relief society meeting during the third hour on homosexuality. There are also plans to do a youth fireside, although the details for that have yet to be worked out.
Now, lest I lead anyone to believe that I live in a stake that has gone rogue and celebrates homosexuality, let me assure you that is not the case. My stake president sticks very closely to the material on the church’s new website. If you’ve seen the church’s website, then you probably have a pretty good idea of what’s being said in the meetings in my stake. He uses a lot of the videos from the site. Some of you might think that’s just fantastic and some of you might be rolling your eyes.
I think it’s good that the messaging on the issue from the top on the website is moving away from condemnation and more towards inclusion, that family members shouldn’t be ostracized for making life choices we don’t agree with, that we should trust people in knowing what their feelings are, etc. I feel a little bit frustrated that most of the subtle changes in messaging can be boiled down to essentially a message of treat homosexuals like you would any loved one. I get a little bit frustrated thinking that that’s the progress we’ve made, that we’re just beginning to understand that the golden rule actually also applies to people who through no fault of their own feel and experience a very real and profound attraction to people of the same sex. They are baby steps, but those baby steps are progress and will hopefully pave the way for more progress, whatever that ends up looking like.
My other larger frustration is that we’re still not talking about what I believe are the most important questions. Reaching out with love will make a big difference and will be enough for some people, but there is still no clear and satisfying articulation of what role homosexuality plays in the plan of salvation, other than to say that it won’t exist in the hereafter, which is a convenient and comforting answer if you’re straight. If you’re gay, the answer can feel unsatisfactory and dismissive of the harsh and deeply felt realities of this apparent conflict. There’s still not much there to entice a person to invest heart, spirit and soul to sticking around and being patient with the church. As I said in a previous post, dangling eternal heterosexual marriage as incentive is like telling a child that if they behave, they’ll be rewarded with liver for dinner.
I believe there is much to be gained by exploring and mining this issue thoughtfully and carefully: greater understanding of the role and importance of gender and what attraction is and how our experience of it might inform what it means to be sealed together, what is family and what is its role in this life and the next. Without a clear articulation of some of these issues and how homosexuality fits into it all, many will still feel estranged from and rejected by a gospel that is meant to be inclusive of everyone, no matter how much outreach there might be.
The temptation for some is to say we have the truth and it’s up to those who feel at odds with the truth to conform. But how? Is it that all these subgroups that don’t fit perfectly into the plan need to find a way to conform or could it be that we don’t actually have all the truth there is to have on these matters? I wouldn’t claim to know for sure, but I do know that the quickest way to not find out is to not ask questions and to assume that since this is the way it’s been for many years that this is the way it’s supposed to be.
I applaud the increased outreach and understanding and love. Let’s continue with that. If there’s ever a question of how to approach a situation or a person, the answer should always be with love. Let’s also continue to ask the hard questions and explore and work out our own salvation together.