It's fascinating to live in a time when I feel a
very important part of history is unfolding. Not knowing where it will
end up, but perhaps having a vague sense. The unexpected twists and turns
that in the moment are assumed to be more telling and final than they probably
will actually end up being. The twists and turns that aren't given all
that much attention or importance that will probably end up being pivotal and
historic in hindsight.
Sometimes I lose patience because what's unfolding, being hotly debated
in courthouses, and statehouses and churches is such an intimate and
powerful part of who I am. It’s what has
opened me up to living, loving and to feeling a sense of the power and mystery
of the Divine. Accepting it and
listening to what it has to say about who I am has shifted life from drab gray
to color. I feel more love, compassion
and understanding for others, even if I’m not always good at outwardly
expressing it or often let the aforementioned lack of patience color it in ways
that can serve to diminish it. My heart
more easily breaks open though to give and receive love.
These days it seems that rather than being a very obvious
heavenly transmission of specific information, revelation starts more as a vague sense
of a thing. Reactions follow based on
that vague sense, with adjustments along the way, until gradually something
beautiful emerges from dark into light.
That initial thought or impression might be headed towards something
holy, but has to be gradually and patiently coaxed from the shadows so that
it’s full shape, texture and color can eventually be seen. As it slowly emerges, the temptation is to
jump to conclusions after seeing only part of or one side of the truth in half
light. If then stubbornly held to, these premature conclusions can pause or
slow the emergence of the full and complete truth, leaving broad swaths of
people feeling orphaned by the plan proposed to save them.
I wanted to have the family that was prescribed for me. I wanted my life to unfold in the way I
thought it would and that everyone around me expected it to. It didn’t though, and it couldn’t. As heartbreaking as it can be to have my
hopes and dreams unfulfilled, it’s helped me see that they were only ever the
hopes and dreams of others. It helped me
see that although living towards those goals wasn’t necessarily bad, living
towards them in the way that was expected of me was like living in half light. Dating women left me ultimately feeling empty
and numb, even if I enjoyed the friendships.
Looking back, I’m guessing the women I dated might report feeling a
similar lack of something in the relationship.
Coming to the realization that marrying a woman couldn’t happen for me
is when I felt like a cosmic orphan. But
like I hinted at before, becoming that orphan is what opened me up to living in
a way that felt more aligned with who I am.
It’s when my life started to emerge from the shadows and began to have
resonance and rhythm and spirit. That
moment when it feels like you’ve lost everything can be the moment you realize
you can create anything. I began to
realize that I could create a life and a family that could allow me to give and
receive love and be challenged to learn and grow in ways that the life and
family that was expected of me couldn’t.
It’s when I took a few more steps into light.
