I pulled out my old journal recently and did some perusing. I actually fairly consistently wrote in my journal growing up due to the fact that my mom wouldn't let us watch Punky Brewster on Sunday nights unless we wrote in our journals and read our scriptures. Remember when Henry has health issues and loses custody of Punky and she has to go back to Fenster Hall, but then she gets placed with a really wealthy foster family who makes her wear fancy dresses to dinner in their dark dining room and she has to eat oysters! Oh man. They don't make TV like they used to. Of course I was going to write in my journal. Are you kidding me? So here's my first journal entry. I was six years old and the date of the entry is March 4, 1984. I dictated while my mom transcribed:
My school teacher is Mrs. Grant. My friends are Corry Ellertson, Brandon Green, Matt Lawson, Natalie Packer, Jacob Shortino, (Who I had a huge crush on in 6th grade along with all the other girls) Casie Moffett (I have no idea who this is) and Tracee ? . A boy named Michael Howard kissed me and hugged me when I came to school. My favortie thing in school is rest time. School is fun. I like Mrs. Grant. She is a good teacher. My primary teacher is Brother Davenport. Sometimes we don't even have a lesson because a boy named Rustin Pomeroy plays around too much. The people in my class are Rustin, Nicki, Corry, Brandon, Trevor, and me! There are no girls in my class. Hooray!
My brother is Matt and he is 8 years old. My sisters are Laurie and she is 11 years old and Taralee is one year old. The things I like to do are: play with my people (miniature Bert, Ernie, Star Wars men) things I don't like to do are go swimming (I threatened to run away on more than one occasion to try and get out of going to swimming lessons and was really insulted when my mom offered to help me pack) or skating or conduct in family home evening. My favorite foods are (are you ready for this) beef jerky, pizza, oatmeal, spaghetti, toast, tacos, hamburgers, all kinds of chips, and cold cereal. Foods I hate are peas, beans, casserole, corn, and tomatoes.
There are some telling things in that first entry.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
It's actually not quite the same thing, redux
About a month ago I did a post explaining why I don't like it when people try to say that asking homosexual members of the church to remain celibate isn't any different than asking single members of the church to remain celibate. My sister and I had an email conversation that helped me flesh out in more detail why they are not the same thing and also why I think it's important to understand the difference, whether you are gay or not. Below are some of my explanations. I'd like to state again though at the outset that my purpose isn't to try and portray one as being more difficult than the other or that homosexuals win the hardest lot in life award.
We draw the line of appropriateness as no sex before marriage but really the line is never quite that clean and well defined. Speaking strictly in terms of heteros, I'm sure different couples would draw that line in different places. I've heard of couples who share their first kiss over the alter. Some couples are probably comfortable doing quite a bit more than that before marriage. There's no clearly drawn line for what is/isn't appropriate. Sure, the further along you get, the more clear it becomes that you've crossed a boundary, but that's going to be different for different couples.
Generally speaking, the same isn't true for homosexuals. Is it ok for me to cuddle with another man? Or hold hands? Is it ok for us to kiss? None of that constitutes sex before marriage and I feel confident in saying that most people in the church would say it's perfectly OK for hetero singles to engage in any of that activity before marriage. Would they say the same thing about homosexuals? I also feel fairly confident in saying that if I were to engage in those activities with another man it would make most, if not all my bishops very uncomfortable, probably to the point of taking some kind of action against me. I would also add that single heteros haven't grown up being taught that their very attraction that they don't have much control over is evil. The church is stepping away from that now and drawing a line between the attractions and acting on the attractions, but you can't undo years and years of entrenched beliefs over night. I think there are still many in the church who still believe that the attraction itself is evil.
I think if we fail to seek tounderstand the unique trials faced by different groups and more specifically individuals, then we will also fail to effectively minister to individuals. If a bishop looks at the single women in his ward and the homosexuals in his ward and lumps them together in his mind as being pretty much in the same boat, he will be less effective at ministering to their needs in a way that will be helpful to the individuals. As a matter of fact, I think this is one of many reasons why gay members have a hard time feeling like they have a place in the church.
Generally speaking, priesthood leaders have a hard time grasping and understanding the plight of gay members in a way that enables them to minister to them effectively. I've felt that time and time again first hand. As a matter of fact, I would say none of my bishops have been particularly helpful on this issue, and some even very unhelpful, as good as their intentions were. I'm willing to admit though, that I could probably do more to engage in dialogue with them that helps them understand a little bit better. I think we all fail to some extent to fully and elegantly express what we are feeling, and what the desires of our hearts are, in part because sometimes we don't understand ourselves and what we're feeling at times or what the desires of our hearts are.
On the other hand, I feel like the plight of single members is more within the grasp of most priesthood leaders and more generally understood. Their understanding probably isn't perfect, but much more so than their understanding of homosexuality. I wanted to speak out for a group that I feel is much less understood.
We draw the line of appropriateness as no sex before marriage but really the line is never quite that clean and well defined. Speaking strictly in terms of heteros, I'm sure different couples would draw that line in different places. I've heard of couples who share their first kiss over the alter. Some couples are probably comfortable doing quite a bit more than that before marriage. There's no clearly drawn line for what is/isn't appropriate. Sure, the further along you get, the more clear it becomes that you've crossed a boundary, but that's going to be different for different couples.
Generally speaking, the same isn't true for homosexuals. Is it ok for me to cuddle with another man? Or hold hands? Is it ok for us to kiss? None of that constitutes sex before marriage and I feel confident in saying that most people in the church would say it's perfectly OK for hetero singles to engage in any of that activity before marriage. Would they say the same thing about homosexuals? I also feel fairly confident in saying that if I were to engage in those activities with another man it would make most, if not all my bishops very uncomfortable, probably to the point of taking some kind of action against me. I would also add that single heteros haven't grown up being taught that their very attraction that they don't have much control over is evil. The church is stepping away from that now and drawing a line between the attractions and acting on the attractions, but you can't undo years and years of entrenched beliefs over night. I think there are still many in the church who still believe that the attraction itself is evil.
I think if we fail to seek tounderstand the unique trials faced by different groups and more specifically individuals, then we will also fail to effectively minister to individuals. If a bishop looks at the single women in his ward and the homosexuals in his ward and lumps them together in his mind as being pretty much in the same boat, he will be less effective at ministering to their needs in a way that will be helpful to the individuals. As a matter of fact, I think this is one of many reasons why gay members have a hard time feeling like they have a place in the church.
Generally speaking, priesthood leaders have a hard time grasping and understanding the plight of gay members in a way that enables them to minister to them effectively. I've felt that time and time again first hand. As a matter of fact, I would say none of my bishops have been particularly helpful on this issue, and some even very unhelpful, as good as their intentions were. I'm willing to admit though, that I could probably do more to engage in dialogue with them that helps them understand a little bit better. I think we all fail to some extent to fully and elegantly express what we are feeling, and what the desires of our hearts are, in part because sometimes we don't understand ourselves and what we're feeling at times or what the desires of our hearts are.
On the other hand, I feel like the plight of single members is more within the grasp of most priesthood leaders and more generally understood. Their understanding probably isn't perfect, but much more so than their understanding of homosexuality. I wanted to speak out for a group that I feel is much less understood.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Florence + The Machine
My friend Carlos sent me this music video on Facebook and I kind of love it. My favorite part? The two blue back up dancers in the shimmery gold dresses with the serious bump its.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Goodbye, I Love You
I've been listening to John Dehlin's interview of Carol Lynn Pearson. If you're not familiar, Carol Lynn is a Mormon poet/author/playwrite. She married Gerald Pearson, who was gay, in the 60's. She knew about his sexuality before getting married, but it was a different time and they decided to go ahead with it. Long story short, the marriage didn't last and Gerald ended up contracting AIDS and Carol Lynn invited him back home so she could care for him as he died. It's a beautiful story. She wrote a book about her courtship and marriage to Gerald up to the very end. It's called Goodbye, I Love You.
I remember hearing about the book when I was at BYU. I checked it out from the Provo library and read it all in one night outside somewhere where I could find some light. I think it was on a curb outside a Best Buy or something like that. I was too afraid to take the book back to my apartment because it had the word homosexual on it. I cried and cried and cried as I read it. It was one of the first things I read that even attempted to explore and understand and show some compassion for the situation I found myself in.
Listen to the interview and read the book. It's well worth your time. The following is an excerpt from a Walt Whitman poem that is in the book and that Carol Lynn reads in the interview.
O to speed where there is space enough
And air enough at last!
To be absolv'd from previous ties and
conventions....
To escape utterly from others' anchors
and holds!
To drive free! To love free!
To dash reckless and dangerous!
To court destruction with taunts, with
invitations!
To ascend, to leap to the heavens of the
love indicated to me!
To rise thither with my inebriate soul!
To be lost if it must be so!
To feed the remainder of life with one hour
of fulness and freedom!
With one brief hour of madness and joy.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Let's get physical redux
On Saturday, Courtney and I went to a boot camp class at the gym. Let me just set the record straight up front by saying that gym classes and I are not friends. All through middle school and high school, I would get physically ill during the period before gym. Sick to my stomach. Part of it had to do with the fact that I felt like I would have to spend another hour humiliating myself and the other part had to do with the fact that one time a guy in my gym class thought it would be funny to walk up behind me on the field and hold a three inch blade to my throat.
The happiest day of my middle school life was when I broke my arm and instead of making me play basketball (which was really me just trying as hard as I could to look like I knew what I was doing while at the same time staying as far away from the ball as possible) my gym teacher took pity on me and gave me a stopwatch and a whistle and told me to just sit on the bench and blow the whistle to rotate games while my arm healed. That was the best 6 weeks of gym I ever had.
Courtney and I usually go to a step class Saturday morning and right after step is boot camp. I've been thinking that I need to shake up my workouts a bit and so I suggested we try out boot camp. And we did. Saturday morning. Holy hell. There are some seriously crazy people in that class. That trainer guy had us do some insane duck walking crap down the full length of the basketball court and he worked our abs until I was either laughing hysterically or crying. I'm still not sure which. It also occurred to me that MNJ and MH probably do that crap in their sleep.
At one point, Courtney and I had the following conversation:
Courtney: Will you revive me if I pass out in a pool of my own sweat?
Me: And possibly urine?
Courtney: Yes, because I might have wet my pants too at this point. I'm not sure. I'm kind of having an out of body experience.
Me: 2-3 minutes of uncontrollable laughing/crying.
The trainer man gave us a high five after the class was over. Christina asked us if we were going back. We both said yes. Oh, so you liked it, Christina asked. Nope, we both said. We are determined though, to do the duck walk the full length of that damn basketball court.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
How to disagree
I've heard it said that you can tell the health/potential success/failure of a marital relationship by how the couple argues or disagrees with each other. I think that statement applies to any kind of relationship. Person to person, person to entity, entity to entity. This also applies to discussions (I use that word loosely) surrounding gay marriage. I think we all probably knew that the passing of Prop 8 in 2008 definitely did not signal the end of that discussion. I think we all probably also know that Prop 8 being overturned also does not signal an end. These discussions are far from over. Just thinking about that makes me a little bit tired.
I find some hope though, in people who choose to engage like the following example. This is an excerpt from a recent post by John G-W. The post isn't necessarily talking specifically about gay marriage, but I think he has some wise words for all of us, no matter where we stand or how we feel about the topic of gay marriage.
At one point in my life, I wearied myself and burned myself out trying to defend myself from homophobic attacks and criticisms. I felt the need to justify my existence and my love for my husband by arguing with interpretations of scripture or religious viewpoints that condemned me. But ultimately those efforts fed a kind of hopelessness. When I learned to turn to the Lord, to surrender to him my doubts and fears, and to ask for his help, I found flowing into me the “peace of God, which passeth all understanding” (Philippians 4: 7). I learned that ultimately, it is impossible to communicate or justify verbally the most important things about who I am, and why the love I share with my husband is important and valuable and a gift of God, and why it has a place in God's creation and ultimately in God's eternal kingdom. I understand that God knows the answers to these questions, and simply demands of me trust that his knowing will gradually become our knowing, but only as we walk a bit further in the path of love. I understand that all knowing in this world is partial until we have walked in faith first. So when people speak words that are judgmental and hurtful and false; when people say things or behave in ways that demean me or hurt me; I understand that whatever I might say in my own defense will always be partial; will never capture the fullness of who I am or God's purposes for me; and to do so is to fail to trust what God has revealed to me in the stillness and silence.
In that stillness, I find an endless reservoir of love to offer back for the misunderstanding and unkindness. In the stillness I find myself beckoned on by the vision of Zion, of a Kingdom of Love in which I, and my husband and our son have a place and role to play. I find the patience to begin to live in that kingdom, even when no one else around me – even my dearly beloved brothers and sisters in the Church – don't see it yet or understand my place in it. I find the strength to face challenges in my relationship with my husband; to be a guide and an example to our teenage son; to make our home a shelter in the storms of life that all of us have to face, and that few of us can find the strength to face without the love and nurture that only a family can provide. And I find the hope to speak out, to tell my story, to seek out and build community, to make a difference, to be a voice and a presence in a world that might otherwise leave me cynical and hopeless.
All of this begins with being faithful. That faithfulness includes refusing to see the Church, however imperfect its leaders or members, as the source of my problems, but rather the vehicle through which all my highest and deepest hopes and aspirations can be achieved. Sheltering and protecting hope and listening to the Spirit are the most important work we do. All other good works flow from that inward, invisible work. If we have the faith, hope and love that emanate from a dynamic relationship with a living God, we will have the discernment we need to evaluate and engage in other good works, which may include items from the traditional activist's laundry list: demonstrating and working to raise awareness, talking to friends and family, writing letters to leaders, giving money to good causes, voting and encouraging others to vote. But it will also help us discern when it is time to take a step back and wait, to offer an olive leaf, to listen and simply to pray. We may be led unconventionally. And in the end our salvation will certainly come from unexpected quarters and in ways we never would have believed, to help us know who is its author and to give him the glory he is due.
I find some hope though, in people who choose to engage like the following example. This is an excerpt from a recent post by John G-W. The post isn't necessarily talking specifically about gay marriage, but I think he has some wise words for all of us, no matter where we stand or how we feel about the topic of gay marriage.
At one point in my life, I wearied myself and burned myself out trying to defend myself from homophobic attacks and criticisms. I felt the need to justify my existence and my love for my husband by arguing with interpretations of scripture or religious viewpoints that condemned me. But ultimately those efforts fed a kind of hopelessness. When I learned to turn to the Lord, to surrender to him my doubts and fears, and to ask for his help, I found flowing into me the “peace of God, which passeth all understanding” (Philippians 4: 7). I learned that ultimately, it is impossible to communicate or justify verbally the most important things about who I am, and why the love I share with my husband is important and valuable and a gift of God, and why it has a place in God's creation and ultimately in God's eternal kingdom. I understand that God knows the answers to these questions, and simply demands of me trust that his knowing will gradually become our knowing, but only as we walk a bit further in the path of love. I understand that all knowing in this world is partial until we have walked in faith first. So when people speak words that are judgmental and hurtful and false; when people say things or behave in ways that demean me or hurt me; I understand that whatever I might say in my own defense will always be partial; will never capture the fullness of who I am or God's purposes for me; and to do so is to fail to trust what God has revealed to me in the stillness and silence.
In that stillness, I find an endless reservoir of love to offer back for the misunderstanding and unkindness. In the stillness I find myself beckoned on by the vision of Zion, of a Kingdom of Love in which I, and my husband and our son have a place and role to play. I find the patience to begin to live in that kingdom, even when no one else around me – even my dearly beloved brothers and sisters in the Church – don't see it yet or understand my place in it. I find the strength to face challenges in my relationship with my husband; to be a guide and an example to our teenage son; to make our home a shelter in the storms of life that all of us have to face, and that few of us can find the strength to face without the love and nurture that only a family can provide. And I find the hope to speak out, to tell my story, to seek out and build community, to make a difference, to be a voice and a presence in a world that might otherwise leave me cynical and hopeless.
All of this begins with being faithful. That faithfulness includes refusing to see the Church, however imperfect its leaders or members, as the source of my problems, but rather the vehicle through which all my highest and deepest hopes and aspirations can be achieved. Sheltering and protecting hope and listening to the Spirit are the most important work we do. All other good works flow from that inward, invisible work. If we have the faith, hope and love that emanate from a dynamic relationship with a living God, we will have the discernment we need to evaluate and engage in other good works, which may include items from the traditional activist's laundry list: demonstrating and working to raise awareness, talking to friends and family, writing letters to leaders, giving money to good causes, voting and encouraging others to vote. But it will also help us discern when it is time to take a step back and wait, to offer an olive leaf, to listen and simply to pray. We may be led unconventionally. And in the end our salvation will certainly come from unexpected quarters and in ways we never would have believed, to help us know who is its author and to give him the glory he is due.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Sunstone
I just spent the past three days soaking up all of this. There are some individual sessions that I want to blog specifically about, but not until after I get copies of them to continue to review and absorb so that I know what I want to say. For now, I just want to blog about the experience in general.
This was my first SLC Sunstone. I got to see and meet so many people who I have become friends with online and who I have admired from afar as I've read their blogs or the blogs they contribute to. It was a who's who in Mormon scholarship. I was telling my friend Krisanne that I felt like I had been invited to the cool kids' party. She responded that it was like I was in a gay mormon John Hughes film. We are now committed to producing that film to present at Sunstone next year. We have also decided to develop a session entitled "Glenn Beck Gave Me Herpes." We haven't really fleshed out what it's going to be about, but the title is catchy, right? (Get it, catchy?)
One of the reasons that I loved loved loved the symposium is that it reminds me of the church of the restoration. Joseph Smith's story captures and fires my imagination. All of it, including and probably especially the questionable aspects. The church today is very processed and correlated. At the symposium though, there is so much to fire the imagination. It's fresh and speculative and beautiful and yes, even a little bit crazy. And I loved it.
There is also a huge spirit of community. There are so many people from so many different backgrounds and with varying relationships to the church and the gospel. And none of that matters. Everyone gets a voice.
I met Stella, who blogs here and here and within literally two minutes of meeting, we were having a fairly intense discussion about sex. A good way to kick off any friendship. I also met this beautiful lady and she gave me a hug and a kiss after I listened to her tell her beautiful and sometimes painful story. I also got to meet my friend David and we had lunch at the Red Iguana while a Mexican wrestling mask watched over us. It was a lunch that has been in the making since at least October 5, 2009.
By far the sweetest experience of the weekend though, was sitting next to John G-W in a session that was a panel of people discussing why they choose to stay in the church, even though they've also found many reasons to leave. I have been eating up John's blog for several months now and few people have the beautiful and full understanding of the gospel and the ability to express it that John has. Knowing John's story and having loved him since before meeting him, sitting there next to him during that presentation and feeling of the hugeness of his spirit and weeping together was one of the most beautiful things I've experienced in a long time.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Am I Right, Ladies?
My friend Krisanne, who has been traveling the world teaching art to children, is back in town for the time being. We hung out on Friday night. We met up with Christina at PDX POP NOW! but not before I had the opportunity to eat a delicious crepe and a fried chocolate peanut butter pie from the food carts on 12th and Hawthorne. We also ended up getting a raspberry shake across the street at Burgerville because we needed restrooms and they were for customers only. Plus, why not chase a fried chocolate peanut butter pie down with a raspberry shake? Am I right, ladies?
After filling our (or I guess more accurately MY) tummies, (Haha, that makes it sound like I have multiple stomachs like a cow. Don’t cows have multiple stomachs?) we went to find Christina for the live music. Krisanne and I were walking side my side when I noticed a man with a particularly beautiful face. I got a little distracted and ran into Krisanne. She immediately apologized and said she was checking out a guy. I confessed to doing the same and we had a good laugh.
This all reminds me of a funny experience I had at work several weeks ago. There is a guy who works in my building who I have noticed because he’s fairly attractive. One day after I ate my lunch at my desk, I rode the elevator down to walk outside and chat on the phone with a friend. I got to the bottom floor and exited the elevator and attractive guy was standing there waiting for an elevator. He looked at me and then started staring pretty intensely at my chest. For a split second I got excited because I thought he was checking me out (because, who doesn’t like to get noticed, am I right, ladies?) Then I realized he looked more like he was trying to figure something out. Turns out I had a large blob of orange colored yogurt smeared on the front of my eggplant colored shirt.
I am going to SLC to get Sunstoned with friends this week. I. Can’t. Wait.
After filling our (or I guess more accurately MY) tummies, (Haha, that makes it sound like I have multiple stomachs like a cow. Don’t cows have multiple stomachs?) we went to find Christina for the live music. Krisanne and I were walking side my side when I noticed a man with a particularly beautiful face. I got a little distracted and ran into Krisanne. She immediately apologized and said she was checking out a guy. I confessed to doing the same and we had a good laugh.
This all reminds me of a funny experience I had at work several weeks ago. There is a guy who works in my building who I have noticed because he’s fairly attractive. One day after I ate my lunch at my desk, I rode the elevator down to walk outside and chat on the phone with a friend. I got to the bottom floor and exited the elevator and attractive guy was standing there waiting for an elevator. He looked at me and then started staring pretty intensely at my chest. For a split second I got excited because I thought he was checking me out (because, who doesn’t like to get noticed, am I right, ladies?) Then I realized he looked more like he was trying to figure something out. Turns out I had a large blob of orange colored yogurt smeared on the front of my eggplant colored shirt.
I am going to SLC to get Sunstoned with friends this week. I. Can’t. Wait.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
How To Be Alone
A friend posted this on Facebook yesterday and I absolutely love it. I've watched it like 4 times so far. That's the first thing. The second thing is that I thought the comments that were posted in response to this were also interesting. People loved it or they thought it was completely depressing. I'm curious how you feel about it. What happens to you when you watch it? Please, do tell.
There is heat in freezing. Be a testament.
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