I've learned that pushing myself to complete physical exhaustion can lead to transcendent experiences. When I ran the St. George Marathon about a year after my mission, I remember inexplicably breaking down into tears after I finished. For some reason, I remember being alone for a while after finishing and just soaking in whatever the emotions were. It was like runner's high but times ten.
I had a similar experience when I was running my second leg of Ragnar at 2:00 AM. My blog fairly recently turned two. The people I was there running with I met through my blog and we have forged some transformative relationships. I got to thinking about all the many amazing people I've met through blogging, of the existing relationships that have been enriched and the personal growth and healing that has occurred through writing out and sharing my experience over the last couple of years. I thought about the painfully and beautifully complex emotions that come from loving and allowing yourself to be seen and loved. I became completely overwhelmed from all of this as I was running in the middle of the night through the Wasatch Mountains under a clear sky and a full moon all by myself, exhausted but at the same time exhilarated.
I had my iPod on shuffle and as I was having these thoughts and running under the stars, this song came on during my last mile to the finish line, as though wanting to make sure I recognized the beauty of what I was experiencing.
(All My Days, Alexi Murdoch)
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
turning
What if our salvation is an all or nothing deal? Not in a you-have-to-be-perfect-in-order-to-be-saved kind of way. More like either we're all saved together or none of us is saved. And not because we're all perfect, but because we learn how to love and accept everyone in all our necessary differences. What if we can't be saved without those with whom we vehemently disagree? What if the tension that exists between two opposing points of view is completely necessary and the solution is to simply listen to each other and seek to understand what it means to be in another's shoes. Who are we to decide that what we perceive as another person's sins are any worse or better than our own? Maybe it's more about loving unconditionally instead of categorizing and ranking sins. These excerpts from an essay entitled "Turning" by Dian Saderup that appeared in Dialogue help explain how this might be.
All of us have a story. All of us have a voice. All of us have a vision —and all are limited by our own mortality and the possibility of error. I like to picture the Church as a wheel with Christ as the hub. Each individual life path is a spoke feeding into that hub. We all start our mortal journeys in our own particular places on the rim of the wheel — each with his or her unique strengths and weaknesses. Because of this, though we may be baptized into the strait and narrow way, we each journey through different territory. Different experiences give us various prides, prejudices, perceptions, and testimonies as we progress toward Christ, the central hub. Some spokes lie close to one another; others may be on opposing sides of the central focus. I believe that Joseph Smith actually saw God and that the Church established through him is literally the kingdom laid to prepare the world for the millennial reign of the Savior. Because of this I feel a duty — if not always the disposition — to bear with those of my fellows whom I see, at times, opposite me — to respect the real rigors, perplexities, and triumphs of their unique paths. And I feel to watch for the divine fire that will, in tangible reality, flare now here, now there among us.
The kingdom will go forward, despite our collective differences and failings, and we will all play our several parts: some of us shepherds, some of us followers, some conformists, some dissenters, some critics, some apologists. The wheel will continue to turn, and we may one day find that those spokes which are now on opposing sides of the hub have together created an essential tension — a dynamic balance — between mutually necessary opposites.
I watched the deacons as they passed the sacrament: young, awkward boys bearing bread and water of whose significance they probably had little understanding. But did any of us? The trays passed down the pews hand to hand as, one after another, the ward members partook. Each ate and drank with the familiar ritual motion. And it struck me, like a sudden gust of wind on a still night: We all partake of the same loaf, we all drink of the same cup. What right have I to boast? Who am I to judge? Or any of us? It is, after all, by grace we are saved, after we have done all in our halting mortal ways that we are able. That grace seemed to me then the greatest mystery of all. And then I seemed to be looking through clear glass; things were no longer complex, confusing, tangled, and dark but simple and spiritually liberating. Faith — in God and in each other; humility — for our own imperfections and those of our brothers and sisters; endurance -— despite conflict; love — sustained throughout disappointment with our fellows; and gratitude — for God's grace and the human grace we may share with one another: these seemed to be the best gifts we could give or receive.
It was a singular moment of simple clarity of vision. We will live our countless lives, and I believe the wheel that is Christ and his Church will continue to turn until one morning that vision is fully realized. The words of an old Shaker hymn with its lovely melody played over and over in my mind that afternoon:
All of us have a story. All of us have a voice. All of us have a vision —and all are limited by our own mortality and the possibility of error. I like to picture the Church as a wheel with Christ as the hub. Each individual life path is a spoke feeding into that hub. We all start our mortal journeys in our own particular places on the rim of the wheel — each with his or her unique strengths and weaknesses. Because of this, though we may be baptized into the strait and narrow way, we each journey through different territory. Different experiences give us various prides, prejudices, perceptions, and testimonies as we progress toward Christ, the central hub. Some spokes lie close to one another; others may be on opposing sides of the central focus. I believe that Joseph Smith actually saw God and that the Church established through him is literally the kingdom laid to prepare the world for the millennial reign of the Savior. Because of this I feel a duty — if not always the disposition — to bear with those of my fellows whom I see, at times, opposite me — to respect the real rigors, perplexities, and triumphs of their unique paths. And I feel to watch for the divine fire that will, in tangible reality, flare now here, now there among us.
The kingdom will go forward, despite our collective differences and failings, and we will all play our several parts: some of us shepherds, some of us followers, some conformists, some dissenters, some critics, some apologists. The wheel will continue to turn, and we may one day find that those spokes which are now on opposing sides of the hub have together created an essential tension — a dynamic balance — between mutually necessary opposites.
----------------------------------------------------------------
I watched the deacons as they passed the sacrament: young, awkward boys bearing bread and water of whose significance they probably had little understanding. But did any of us? The trays passed down the pews hand to hand as, one after another, the ward members partook. Each ate and drank with the familiar ritual motion. And it struck me, like a sudden gust of wind on a still night: We all partake of the same loaf, we all drink of the same cup. What right have I to boast? Who am I to judge? Or any of us? It is, after all, by grace we are saved, after we have done all in our halting mortal ways that we are able. That grace seemed to me then the greatest mystery of all. And then I seemed to be looking through clear glass; things were no longer complex, confusing, tangled, and dark but simple and spiritually liberating. Faith — in God and in each other; humility — for our own imperfections and those of our brothers and sisters; endurance -— despite conflict; love — sustained throughout disappointment with our fellows; and gratitude — for God's grace and the human grace we may share with one another: these seemed to be the best gifts we could give or receive.
It was a singular moment of simple clarity of vision. We will live our countless lives, and I believe the wheel that is Christ and his Church will continue to turn until one morning that vision is fully realized. The words of an old Shaker hymn with its lovely melody played over and over in my mind that afternoon:
'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,
'Tis the gift to come down where we are to be;
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.
When true simplicity is gain'd,
To bow and to bend we shan't be ashamed;
To turn, turn will be our delight
Till by turning, turning we come round right.
Monday, June 20, 2011
I heart the interwebs
This past weekend I was in Utah running the Wasatch Back Ragnar Relay from Logan to Park City (188 miles) with these lovely people. We all initially met via blogging on the interwebs and we gathered in Utah from Tennessee, Wyoming and Oregon to spend two days running, sweating, stinking and not sleeping. The weekend went spectacularly well, considering none of us had ever spent a considerable amount of time together. (Well, other than the dude in camo and the lovely lady. Those two spend a lot of time together.) Our team was the Roaming Gnomes, hence the (hand knit) beards, and the red and white striped socks that you can't see.
Running a seven mile leg in the mountains of Utah between 2:00 and 3:00 AM under a full moon was pure magic. And so was spending the weekend with these people.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
eckhart tolle on the gay
I think a lot of the drama we experience in life comes not from the issues we face, but in how we face them. By that, I mean how we approach them, how we hold them, how we process them, the questions we ask about them. With the issue of homosexuality, it seems to me that we aren't "holding" the issue in a way that leads to much productive conversation on the issue. It seems like our back and forth on the topic boils down to whether homosexuality is "good" or "bad", with two sides trying to defend why it is either good or bad. Something that is natural and acceptable or something that needs to be fixed. Then we spend all our energy trying to explain but mostly defend our position.
Those are some questions to explore, but I think there are other questions that are more compelling. To me, there are mysteries and answers to questions packed and embedded in the issue of homosexuality. Certainly, those who are attracted to their same sex stand to benefit from greater understanding on the topic, but I also believe that everyone stands to benefit. I think there are some answers to be unpacked about how we understand attraction, how we relate to each other, what gender is, and why it is or isn't important. I know we think we know all about these things, but I don't think we know what we think we know.
Anyway. The following are some quotes by Eckhart Tolle from The Power of Now that I like because I think they get us thinking about things differently. At least that's what they do for me.
In the quest for enlightenment, is being gay a help or a hindrance, or does it not make any difference?
...the realization that you are 'different' from others may force you to dis-identify from socially conditioned patterns of thought and behavior. This will automatically raise your level of consciousness above that of the unconscious majority, whose members unquestioningly take on board all inherited patterns. In that respect, being gay can be a help. Being an outsider to some extent, someone who does not 'fit in' with others or is rejected by them for whatever reason, makes life difficult, but it also places you at advantage as far as enlightenment is concerned. It takes you out of unconsciousness almost by force.
On the other hand, if you then develop a sense of identify based on your gayness, you have escaped one trap only to fall into another.
And there's this:
Choice implies consciousness - a high degree of consciousness. Without it, you have no choice. Choice begins the moment you dis-identify from the mind and its conditioned patterns, the moment you become present. Nobody chooses dysfunction, conflict, pain. Nobody chooses insanity. They happen because there is not enough presence in you to dissolve the past, not enough light to dispel the darkness. You are not fully here. You have not quite woken up yet. In the meantime, the conditioned mind is running your life
Those are some questions to explore, but I think there are other questions that are more compelling. To me, there are mysteries and answers to questions packed and embedded in the issue of homosexuality. Certainly, those who are attracted to their same sex stand to benefit from greater understanding on the topic, but I also believe that everyone stands to benefit. I think there are some answers to be unpacked about how we understand attraction, how we relate to each other, what gender is, and why it is or isn't important. I know we think we know all about these things, but I don't think we know what we think we know.
Anyway. The following are some quotes by Eckhart Tolle from The Power of Now that I like because I think they get us thinking about things differently. At least that's what they do for me.
In the quest for enlightenment, is being gay a help or a hindrance, or does it not make any difference?
...the realization that you are 'different' from others may force you to dis-identify from socially conditioned patterns of thought and behavior. This will automatically raise your level of consciousness above that of the unconscious majority, whose members unquestioningly take on board all inherited patterns. In that respect, being gay can be a help. Being an outsider to some extent, someone who does not 'fit in' with others or is rejected by them for whatever reason, makes life difficult, but it also places you at advantage as far as enlightenment is concerned. It takes you out of unconsciousness almost by force.
On the other hand, if you then develop a sense of identify based on your gayness, you have escaped one trap only to fall into another.
And there's this:
Choice implies consciousness - a high degree of consciousness. Without it, you have no choice. Choice begins the moment you dis-identify from the mind and its conditioned patterns, the moment you become present. Nobody chooses dysfunction, conflict, pain. Nobody chooses insanity. They happen because there is not enough presence in you to dissolve the past, not enough light to dispel the darkness. You are not fully here. You have not quite woken up yet. In the meantime, the conditioned mind is running your life
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
vulnerable places
In the Mormon church, the first Sunday of the month is different from the others. Instead of having assigned speakers, we have what is called a fast and testimony meeting, which basically means it’s open mic Sunday. Anybody can get up and extemporaneously share their feelings for and their belief in the gospel, the church, their Savior, etc. Sometimes it also becomes an uncomfortable exercise in oversharing (at which point, I usually lean forward, rest my head on my hands and soak up the awkwardness). These unscripted meetings are usually among my favorites because the odds of them being more interesting/entertaining/inspiring, in comparison to the other Sundays, are high.
I didn’t bear my testimony this past Sunday, but if I had, I would have shared my feelings about vulnerable places. Those places that we sometimes voluntarily go to and sometimes try our hardest to avoid. Those places where we put ourselves out in the open, naked, for others to see us as we are instead of who we think they want us to be.
My becoming more transparent about my sexuality has been a fairly gradual and thoughtful and important process. One of the many reasons why it has been so important and impactful for me is that it has often taken me to vulnerable places that are fertile ground for my own personal growth. I’ve grown and become more whole in ways that I know I couldn’t have if I’d kept everything to myself.
It’s also enriched my personal relationships. By allowing myself to be fully seen, I’ve been able to create more meaningful and enriching relationships, whereas before, I felt like nobody fully knew me and therefore no one was qualified to say they loved me. If the words “I love you” were ever said, it hardly ever rang true.
Of course it isn’t all roses now either. It is, after all, a vulnerable place. Showing up as yourself carries a price. Some relationships will require some adjusting and shifting. Some of the seismic activity is uncomfortable, and sometimes it doesn’t lead to where you’d hope it would. It will lead to more authentic relationships though. My sister doesn’t always agree with me. Sometimes she’ll bring up something she’s read on my blog that doesn’t quite ring true for her, and we’ll discuss it and sometimes we still won’t agree. My relationship with her is much more real and meaningful as a result.
Recently I signed up for OKCupid. There’s a part of me that has been calling out for relationship and not just for the companionship (although that is a big part of it). There’s a part of me that hungers, almost masochistically I suppose, for the type of relationship that takes you to a vulnerable place the way that putting yourself out there for someone you are attracted to on all levels only can.
I’ve dated women a little bit before and that has presented its own unique circumstances for growth, but it doesn’t come close to comparing to the limited experiences I’ve had dating men. With men, I feel the experience in every cell of my body (and I’m not talking about sex here). A gay friend married to a woman once told me that he didn’t think he was the jealous type because he didn’t mind the male friends his wife had. I couldn’t help but wonder how that declaration would change if he was in a relationship with a man he felt emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and physically attracted to. I have a feeling that jealousy and insecurity would much more easily rear their heads.
Based on my limited experience, being in an intimate relationship with someone you are completely attracted to stirs up insecurities like nothing else can. It takes you to the most vulnerable of places and provides opportunities to learn about yourself and grow as a result, in a way that nothing else can. I want to go there.
I didn’t bear my testimony this past Sunday, but if I had, I would have shared my feelings about vulnerable places. Those places that we sometimes voluntarily go to and sometimes try our hardest to avoid. Those places where we put ourselves out in the open, naked, for others to see us as we are instead of who we think they want us to be.
My becoming more transparent about my sexuality has been a fairly gradual and thoughtful and important process. One of the many reasons why it has been so important and impactful for me is that it has often taken me to vulnerable places that are fertile ground for my own personal growth. I’ve grown and become more whole in ways that I know I couldn’t have if I’d kept everything to myself.
It’s also enriched my personal relationships. By allowing myself to be fully seen, I’ve been able to create more meaningful and enriching relationships, whereas before, I felt like nobody fully knew me and therefore no one was qualified to say they loved me. If the words “I love you” were ever said, it hardly ever rang true.
Of course it isn’t all roses now either. It is, after all, a vulnerable place. Showing up as yourself carries a price. Some relationships will require some adjusting and shifting. Some of the seismic activity is uncomfortable, and sometimes it doesn’t lead to where you’d hope it would. It will lead to more authentic relationships though. My sister doesn’t always agree with me. Sometimes she’ll bring up something she’s read on my blog that doesn’t quite ring true for her, and we’ll discuss it and sometimes we still won’t agree. My relationship with her is much more real and meaningful as a result.
Recently I signed up for OKCupid. There’s a part of me that has been calling out for relationship and not just for the companionship (although that is a big part of it). There’s a part of me that hungers, almost masochistically I suppose, for the type of relationship that takes you to a vulnerable place the way that putting yourself out there for someone you are attracted to on all levels only can.
I’ve dated women a little bit before and that has presented its own unique circumstances for growth, but it doesn’t come close to comparing to the limited experiences I’ve had dating men. With men, I feel the experience in every cell of my body (and I’m not talking about sex here). A gay friend married to a woman once told me that he didn’t think he was the jealous type because he didn’t mind the male friends his wife had. I couldn’t help but wonder how that declaration would change if he was in a relationship with a man he felt emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and physically attracted to. I have a feeling that jealousy and insecurity would much more easily rear their heads.
Based on my limited experience, being in an intimate relationship with someone you are completely attracted to stirs up insecurities like nothing else can. It takes you to the most vulnerable of places and provides opportunities to learn about yourself and grow as a result, in a way that nothing else can. I want to go there.
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