Last Friday, John G-W posted about an experience he had while visiting the North Visitor Center at Temple Square in SLC. I ended up having a somewhat similar experience at church on Sunday. I think I've mentioned here before that up until February, I had been attending a singles ward (congregation). Most people there knew I was gay. I didn't necessarily go around making sure everyone knew, but anyone who knew me very well at all knew, and then word spreads from there.
Anyway, I started attending a family ward in February and a few people know I'm gay, but most people don't. There is a guy in that ward who is probably somewhere around my age (early 30's) and is married and has some kids. I see him at church and we must also be on the same grocery shopping schedule, because it seems like the past few weeks, whenever I'm there, I seem him there. We'll smile and say hi, but have never spoken to each other until yesterday.
He approached me after sacrament meeting and introduced himself and then started to tell me about a girl who he wanted to set me up with. I listened while he told me about her and thought about how to handle this conversation. There's the option of saying something vague and no thank you and safely walking away from the conversation. He kind of forced me into another option. Here's how the conversation went:
"Thank you, but I'm not dating right now" (which technically isn't true, but I figured that as far as his conception of dating goes, I'm not dating.)
"Can I help you put a stop to that?" (At this point, I realized that I was going to tell him I was gay. I hesitated for a few seconds)
"Probably not, I'm actually gay." (He actually did a fairly decent job of masking his surprise.)
"That doesn't mean you can't date girls!" (I was actually kind of surprised by his tenacity.)
"Oh, I've already tried going that route and it didn't work out very well for me."
He said that she and I could just be friends and that if I ever changed my mind and wanted a friend to hang out with to let him know. I thanked him for thinking of me and we both said "nice to meet you" and went our separate ways.
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i like it jon. i've found that it generally just works best being honest with people in the long run, even if in the short run its a bit awkward. yay!
ReplyDeleteThese are always such awkward conversations... You handled it just the way that I have in the past. I find that being honest with them in those situations is often far more uncomfortable for them than it is for me... :)
ReplyDelete(I'm sorry that I missed you when I was up in your part of the country. :( )
Gotta love those well-meaning-albeit-slightly-naive-and-overzealous-matchmaking-mormons :)
ReplyDeleteYou're courage gives me reason to hope that one day I too will be able to come out at church...as a liberal.
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, your experience is a great example to me of the power of self awareness and acceptance. I'm reading this book called Buddah's Brain, which melds psychology, neurology, and contemplative practice, and one of my favorite passages thus far has been this:
"Science further verifies that when we cultivate compassion and mindful awareness in our lives- when we let go of judgments and attend fully to the present- we are harnessing the social circuits of the brain to enable us to transform even our relationship with our own self."
Congrats on harnessing your brain :)
I wonder if he actually knows what being gay really means? I do love this story though and agree you handled it as best as can be done.
ReplyDeleteStina, assuming you're mormon, you could move to my ward. It's chock full of Liberals.
"That doesn't mean you can't date girls!"
ReplyDelete[Runs screaming from the building.]
Your schedule doesn't allow for more "girlfriends" in Portland, I simply won't allow it.
ReplyDeleteStina, you're a liberal?? When were you going to tell me?
"That doesn't mean you can't date girls!"
ReplyDeleteYeah, that was a silly thing to say. Not only does it disrespect what you just said immediately prior to that, I doubt he would want to apply that logic to his daughters.
Haha, thanks for the tip Sara! But as Courtney alluded to, I don't think unveiling my political leanings would surprise much of anyone. And, lucky for me, I haven't had any members react with "That doesn't mean you can't vote for Palin!" after discovering my convictions.
ReplyDeleteYou know that he is probably gonna go home and write in his journal about the cute boy he spoke to at church today. Then close the journal, hug it tightly and let out a euphoric sigh.
ReplyDeleteSigh. Sounds like my family. They know I'm gay, I'm getting divorced, and they are already starting to think who they could set me up with. Oh well.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could get a look into HIS thought bubble as he walked away. Was he mentally kicking himself, "That doesn't mean you can't date girls?? What?? Ugh, stupid!"? Or was he already concocting a plan to fix this wayward soul? :)
ReplyDeleteApplause! I tip my hat to you!
ReplyDeleteAnd please, if you're gay...do NOT ever decide you can date girls too. Especially Mormon girls--because their gaydars are WAY off.
@ INSIDE. AWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, LOL oh man. now that was funny!
ReplyDeleteOK, I had to laugh at INSIDE's comment.
ReplyDeleteBut let's be fair: "That doesn't mean you can't date girls!" may be pushy, but it's not stupid or completely off-base. I personally know several gay men who would say the same thing, a couple of whom are now married to women and have children and are, as far as I can tell, as happy as ever, or more so. My guess is he doesn't understand everything that decision entails, but my guess is also that it's not just out of left field.
lol. Jon, I appreciate your example.
ReplyDeleteLots of liberals, Sara, but a goodly number of Glenn Beck followers, too. Sigh. But yeah, clearly Jon should have consulted us before buying a condo out in suburbia, when he would have fit in so much better with us!
ReplyDeleteDate girls
ReplyDelete