the problem with celibacy

I remember a while back having a conversation with another active and orthodox member of the church after Sacrament meeting about the gays.  My friend made the point that the brethren have said that we welcome and love those who are same sex attracted.  She asked why then some are still so angry at the church and why they don't continue to or come back to attend church meetings and participate in the community of saints.  I realize that if you are reading this and you are gay and are or have been Mormon, odds are you are laughing out loud and asking where to start listing the reasons why.  It was a sincere question though and so I thought the question deserved a sincere response. 

I don't remember exactly what I said, but it wasn't too long after Prop 8, so I think I said something along the lines that although that type of sentiment had been expressed here and there on occasion by a leader of the church, the lion's share of the church's focus and energy put into anything related to homosexuality was in the political arena fighting against same sex marriage.  Actions speak louder than words and the message of "we love you and you are welcome here" was far over shadowed by the church's involvement in the politics of same sex marriage. 

Of course there are several other reasons why those who are gay and Mormon choose not to participate or affiliate with the church any longer, some of them having nothing to do with the church's stance on homosexuality.

Overall, I do believe the culture in the church is moving towards a place of having more compassion towards those who are gay, even if the outreach is often comes across as awkward or condescending.  I think it's a step in the right direction compared to how homosexuality was approached 20 or 30 years ago. 

As loving and compassionate as the insitution and the people might become though, there will still be those who won't want to participate for doctrinal reasons.  Andrew at Irresistable (Dis)Grace spells out why this is quite well in a recent post on his blog.  The church asks those who are gay and for whom marriage to someone of the opposite sex isn't a viable path, to remain celibate.  The problem with celibacy is that it goes against what is arguably the main theological thrust of the church: to marry and form families.  It is not good that man should be alone.  As Andrew says in his post, "A fully lived life of celibacy isn't fully lived at all." 

The church has never required celibacy of a specific group of people.  The advice to those who are single is be patient and always put yourself out there and prepare for the right one who might come along.  Not so if you are gay.  Just cut yourself off from the possibility of experiencing that in this life.  The carrot might be dangled in front of you that in the next life all will be made right and you will have an opposite sex spouse.  Ryan and I were talking about this and he made the excellent point that another problem is that the carrot really isn't all that enticing.  Telling me I can have the blessing of an opposite sex spouse in the next life if I remain celibate in this life isn't all that motivating or inspiring.

As Andrew says in his post, "Think about it.  You have failed at one of the major purposes of your mortal existence.  The solution?  Not much in this life.  Look forward to what comes after this mortal existence.  In other words, when you have failed at life, what you're supposed to do is just bide the rest of this time and wait (in hope and faith, but wait nevertheless) for this life to end."  And what you get after this life ends is something you might not even want anyway.  It becomes fairly easy to see why so many lose all hope and choose to end their mortal existence.

None of this is to say, "SEE, the church HAS to change!!" It's not even to say, "See how bad the homosexuals have it?  Don't you feel sorry for us?"  I suppose it's just a heads up.  If you truly want to reach out to, love, support, and minister to those in the church who are gay, you have to understand the full reality of their situation; otherwise, the reaching out will come accross as empty platitudes that will fall on deaf ears.