safety not guaranteed

I saw this movie last night and really liked it.  It's got a fantastically creative story with some great writing and really great characters.





Unfortunately for you though, when you see it you probably won't have the added bonus of having Ryan sitting next to you and giggling every time the guy in the back seat so much as appears on screen.

far between has a blog!

The Far Between website now has a blog which will have new posts each week.  I will be contributing regularly to the blog, as will a handful of other people who are all thoughtful, articulate humans.  The following is from the introductory post for the blog:

Throughout the process of creating Far Between, it's been apparent that the tone of conversations about the experience of being homosexual and Mormon greatly affects how people view themselves and respond to their situations.  As part of Far Between's effort to engage more constructive and helpful conversations, the Far Between Blog is not only a source of project updates and opportunities but a place to share examples of conversations and lessons learned.

Blog authors will share experiences and thoughts from internal, interpersonal, and community conversations around homosexuality and Mormonism.  Weekly posts will include narration, deconstruction, and results from their own introspection, interpersonal conversations, and public discussions such as news media and panel forums.

In addition to sharing your own stories, we invite readers to join us in practicing empathy-centered conversation by subscribing to Far Between, reading and commenting on new blog posts every week, and joining or starting conversatinos in your respective communities, whether online or geographical. 

We see individuals and organizations increasingly engaging and changing environments and lives for the better.  We offer the Far Between blog as one way you can join in filling the gulf many feel between the conceptions or experiences around homosexuality and Mormonism with constructive love and compassionate communication.

My first post is up!  Come read and comment and participate in the conversation.

let's talk about you and me

I recently read a response to Josh Weed's story at Single Dad Laughing.  Dan Pearce, the author of SDL, also wrote a post called I'm Christian Unless You're Gay that made the rounds on the interwebz a while back.  I've only read these two posts on this blog, but from what I've read, Dan seems pretty thoughtful and articulate.  For me, the most powerful part of the post is the first half or so where he talks about his own experience of questioning his own sexuality.  You should read at least that much. 

Long story short though, through the course of two marriages that ended in divorce with awkward physical intimacy with both wives, Dan thought he might be gay or asexual.  He mostly thought he was asexual because sex wasn't that great with his wives, but he also wasn't turned on by men.  Also, he had several people who were close to him ask him if he was gay.  He signed up for a dating site, probably partially as an experiment, and looked at and contacted both men and women on the site.  Long story short (again), he noticed and listened to his reactions to his online interactions.  Here's how he describes it:

I sent some emails to both women and men. And every time I'd get a reply from a pretty girl, I'd get all excited.  Yet every time I got a reply from a guy (no matter how attractive he was), it felt unnatural and uncomfortable to me.  At one point, one of the guys wrote back and said something about loving to kiss and snuggle; and that felt so intrusive to my core sexuality that I couldn't even permit myself to mentally go there.  That's when I realized...Dan...you're as straight as a balance beam.

Read the first half of the post to get a better sense for how much he questioned his sexuality.  That isn't the point of my post.  The point of my post is this: it is so rare (and therefore so refreshing when it does happen) to hear someone talk so openly and honestly about their sexuality and the questions they've entertained about their sexuality.  I believe that it is through us being open and honest with our own experience of sexuality and piecing our experiences respectfully together with the experiences of others (especially when the stories of others seem to threaten or contradict our own), that we will begin to understand the nature of our attractions and what they are and the role they play in our eternal selves and why there is such a variety of ways that people experience attraction.  (Which is why I think Far Between is such an important project)

I get why people tell their stories in absolutes or in hyperbolized or exaggerated ways.  It feels much safer to stake our tent far away the stories of those with whom we disagree.  "Josh Weed's story is not my own.  He's delusional and here's why."  "The hedonistic ways of those who live the gay lifestyle support the idea that same sex relationships are inherently unhealthy and sinful."  We paint our own story in stark contrast to that of others through the use of stereotypes and hyperbole.  It feels much safer to put the "other" on the the other side of town instead of considering how Josh Weed or Dan Savage might have something interesting to contribute to how I understand my own experience, even if I might disagree with some or even a lot of what they say.

The other reason I liked Dan's recounting of questioning his sexuality is because I could relate to it.  I remember distinct experiences where I tried to pay attention to what I was feeling towards women in very specific instances to detect if there was any hint of physical attraction.  I remember early on, shortly after I moved to Portland, having something like a crush on a girl in the young single adult ward (or congregation if you're not Mormon).  She seemed pretty strong and independent and vocal with her opinions.  She also seemed to have a pretty good sense of humor.  I remember hanging out in somebody's bedroom with her and a few other people at an Oscar's viewing party, feeling very attracted to who she was and convincing myself that there was also a physical attraction. 

I started dating her shortly after that.  I quickly learned that being attracted to who she was not the same as being fully attracted to her.  With her and with all the women I dated, it wasn't just that the physical side of the relationships wasn't fulfilling to me.  I was completely repulsed by it.  I remember wondering how long I would have to kiss to be convincing enough.  It took a toll on me and I know it took a toll on the women I dated as well.  About six or seven years ago is when I decided to stop dating women.  Ever since then though, I'll occassionally engage in thought experiments much like what Dan describes in his post. 

A few years ago, I remember watching the Oscars with my friend K.  (Ha!  What is it with me questioning my sexuality during the Oscars??)  I am attracted to K in about every way possible.  I remember sitting next to her on the couch and having a thought experiement, wondering if there was anything more there.  I felt the same thing.  It just felt gross.  The same feeling I'd get if you asked me to make out with one of my sisters.  (Ok, maybe that's a double gross)  I've come to realize that for me, the gross factor is such that it would be highly irresonsible of me to try and pursue a romantic relationship and a marriage with a woman. 

Another thing I've noticed while reading Dan's response to Josh Weed's story is that there seems to be an odd discussion of/fascination with numbers.  Number of mixed orientation marriages (MOM's) that fail versus the number that succeed.  "There are tens of thousands of MOM's that fail and this is proof that they are bad and shouldn't be entered into" or "well there are lots and lots of MOM's that succeed that people don't know about because those people quietly go about their lives and don't talk about it."  It's as though the final verdict of whether MOM's are good or not rests on how many couples stay together versus how many end up divorced.  To me, it doesn't matter how many of either there are.  I'm more interested in gleaning from each individual story what I can to help me understand my own experience and give me some insight for carving out a story the works for me and helps me discover and live my own potential.

a gay mormon moment

The last year or two has been called a Mormon moment by some.  If that's true, then the past couple of months have been a gay Mormon moment.  I remember the old days when stories like this one and this one would have made the rounds with other gay Mormons, but would have stopped there.  Remember when it was like pulling teeth to get anyone who wasn't directly affected by homosexuality to care enough to educate themselves?  Or maybe it was because we were too afraid or ashamed to bring it up.  Certainly, not everyone was though.  Either way, it's fantastic (and a little surreal) to see not just other Mormons, but national media getting involved in discussing the intersection of Mormonism and homosexuality in thoughtful ways. 

If you want a pretty thorough and fair exploration of what's been happening in the world of gay Mormons lately, check out this Slate article.  It also links to other articles in The New York Times and The Washington Post.  Joanna Brooks has also done some write ups at Religion Dispatches about Mormons marching in gay pride parades.  Check them out. 

Also of interest is Taylor Petrey's paper in Dialogue called Toward a Post-Heterosexual Mormon Theology.  This one has been out for a while, but I only read it recently and Ryan and I listened to the Mormon Matters podcast in which Taylor and Kristine Haglund (who I've been fast developing a crush on) discuss the paper.  Both the paper and the podcast are excellent.  As Taylor says near the beginning of his paper, it is a "thought experiement on the question of how Mormons might imagine different kinds of sealing releationships other than hetersexual marriage.  Such an experiment neither constitutes Church doctrine no intends to advocate itself as Church doctrine.  Rather, this essay provides an occasion to think critically about the intellectual and theological problems posed by the reality of alternative relationships outside of heterosexual norms."

I think the paper and podcast are both incredibly helpful because I think they serve to break up the hardened, calcified soil of what we think we know about gender, sexuality and their eternal role.  I really wish more people would be willing to allow themselves to embark on these types of thought experiments.  I believe that's when revelation comes.  Not when we assume we have the fullness of truth and that there is no more knowledge or insight to be gotten.  

Also, I haven't seen this getting much attention yet, but I think it's probably the most important link in this post.  It's easy to get caught up in discussion of current events and theology, etc.  The reality though, is that there are youth/young adults who are caught in the middle of a very intense struggle who question their worth and question the value of their own lives.  The link is to a booklet published by Caitlin Ryan and Bob Rees.  Dr. Ryan has done a lot of research about what hurts and what helps same sex attracted youth in their interactions with their families after coming out.  As it turns out, LGBT kids who are rejected by their families are much more likely to struggle with depression, commit suicide, abuse drugs, and engage in other risky behavior.  Bob Rees is a former bishop and has long been involved in reaching out to gay members of the church long before most other people wanted to talk about it.  He helped Dr. Ryan adapt her research to LDS families and I have to say, they did a great job of making this palatable to Mormons almost anywhere along the belief spectrum.  This is vital reading for any Mormon parent, whether you have gay children or not.  There's just good advice for how to have a better relationship with any of your children when discussing any kind of sensitive issue.  

That is all.  If you read nothing else, just read the booklet by Ryan and Rees. 

Also, I can't stop eating tomato basil wheat thins and cottage cheese.