Long story short though, through the course of two marriages that ended in divorce with awkward physical intimacy with both wives, Dan thought he might be gay or asexual. He mostly thought he was asexual because sex wasn't that great with his wives, but he also wasn't turned on by men. Also, he had several people who were close to him ask him if he was gay. He signed up for a dating site, probably partially as an experiment, and looked at and contacted both men and women on the site. Long story short (again), he noticed and listened to his reactions to his online interactions. Here's how he describes it:
I sent some emails to both women and men.
Read the first half of the post to get a better sense for how much he questioned his sexuality. That isn't the point of my post. The point of my post is this: it is so rare (and therefore so refreshing when it does happen) to hear someone talk so openly and honestly about their sexuality and the questions they've entertained about their sexuality. I believe that it is through us being open and honest with our own experience of sexuality and piecing our experiences respectfully together with the experiences of others (especially when the stories of others seem to threaten or contradict our own), that we will begin to understand the nature of our attractions and what they are and the role they play in our eternal selves and why there is such a variety of ways that people experience attraction. (Which is why I think Far Between is such an important project)
I get why people tell their stories in absolutes or in hyperbolized or exaggerated ways. It feels much safer to stake our tent far away the stories of those with whom we disagree. "Josh Weed's story is not my own. He's delusional and here's why." "The hedonistic ways of those who live the gay lifestyle support the idea that same sex relationships are inherently unhealthy and sinful." We paint our own story in stark contrast to that of others through the use of stereotypes and hyperbole. It feels much safer to put the "other" on the the other side of town instead of considering how Josh Weed or Dan Savage might have something interesting to contribute to how I understand my own experience, even if I might disagree with some or even a lot of what they say.
The other reason I liked Dan's recounting of questioning his sexuality is because I could relate to it. I remember distinct experiences where I tried to pay attention to what I was feeling towards women in very specific instances to detect if there was any hint of physical attraction. I remember early on, shortly after I moved to Portland, having something like a crush on a girl in the young single adult ward (or congregation if you're not Mormon). She seemed pretty strong and independent and vocal with her opinions. She also seemed to have a pretty good sense of humor. I remember hanging out in somebody's bedroom with her and a few other people at an Oscar's viewing party, feeling very attracted to who she was and convincing myself that there was also a physical attraction.
I started dating her shortly after that. I quickly learned that being attracted to who she was not the same as being fully attracted to her. With her and with all the women I dated, it wasn't just that the physical side of the relationships wasn't fulfilling to me. I was completely repulsed by it. I remember wondering how long I would have to kiss to be convincing enough. It took a toll on me and I know it took a toll on the women I dated as well. About six or seven years ago is when I decided to stop dating women. Ever since then though, I'll occassionally engage in thought experiments much like what Dan describes in his post.
A few years ago, I remember watching the Oscars with my friend K. (Ha! What is it with me questioning my sexuality during the Oscars??) I am attracted to K in about every way possible. I remember sitting next to her on the couch and having a thought experiement, wondering if there was anything more there. I felt the same thing. It just felt gross. The same feeling I'd get if you asked me to make out with one of my sisters. (Ok, maybe that's a double gross) I've come to realize that for me, the gross factor is such that it would be highly irresonsible of me to try and pursue a romantic relationship and a marriage with a woman.
Another thing I've noticed while reading Dan's response to Josh Weed's story is that there seems to be an odd discussion of/fascination with numbers. Number of mixed orientation marriages (MOM's) that fail versus the number that succeed. "There are tens of thousands of MOM's that fail and this is proof that they are bad and shouldn't be entered into" or "well there are lots and lots of MOM's that succeed that people don't know about because those people quietly go about their lives and don't talk about it." It's as though the final verdict of whether MOM's are good or not rests on how many couples stay together versus how many end up divorced. To me, it doesn't matter how many of either there are. I'm more interested in gleaning from each individual story what I can to help me understand my own experience and give me some insight for carving out a story the works for me and helps me discover and live my own potential.
I had a very similar dating experience, and went through a very similar thought process. I too dated a number of women at BYU, and I found myself desperately searching my heart for any hint of anything more than friendship. The clincher for me was trying to imagine what married life might be like with this person... What would it be like to share the same bed. To me, it was literally just unimaginable, undesirable. I could enjoy spending an evening with this person watching a movie or eating a hamburger, but the thought of spending my life with this person just left me in despair. It wasn't even necessarily a sex thing, it was just a basic connection thing.
ReplyDeleteObviously, I didn't have the same problem with men, once I began to explore the possibility of a relationship with a man. With men it was the exact opposite... Building a life together was easy and joyful to imagine -- something that just felt natural.
I was having a conversation with someone the other day about Josh Weed, and he was pointing out that sexual orientation is more than just sex. He felt that the fact that Josh Weed could connect emotionally with his wife was proof that he was at least emotionally bisexual. I think there are some guys who are sexually attracted to men, but emotionally repulsed by men... So it is complicated.
I second your thought about "numbers." I had a yoga experience that sort of fits with that... (Sorry I'm being so long-winded...) After my class on Friday, I developed some sort of an ache in my back, just below my right shoulder blade. I was afraid I might have pulled a muscle, and was wondering if it would be safe to practice yoga again before it healed.
The next time I went to class, there were two instructors. I described the ache, and one said, "Oh, you better be careful. Don't do anything that puts any pressure on your back at all."
The other instructor said, "Proceed with caution. See what it feels like when you do an exercise. If there's pain, back off, but if there's no pain, go with it."
I decided to accept the advice of the second instructor. In class when we went into a posture that was potentially going to stress the muscles where I was feeling achy, instead of feeling pain I found my muscles actually feeling good! Over the course of the practice, that ache in my back got better and better, until it was non-existent. Afterwards, my back felt wonderful! It still feels wonderful!
I realized that in fact I had not pulled a muscle. What I had was actually a stress-related cramp. And the stretching exercises helped relax my muscles and totally alleviated the pain from the cramp.
I guess the reason I tell the story, is because I couldn't know until I tried, what the source of the pain was. I think staying open to possibilities is a good thing... And I can respect that marriage to a woman is working for Josh. I tried going there, but found it was not going to work. I'm glad I didn't just force myself to go through with it, thinking, "Oh, if so-and-so can do it, then I should be able to."
We really need to be able to listen to ourselves, listen to our hearts, and know ourselves in order to make these choices.
John, I like the idea of thinking about what it would be like to share a life with this person and that it's not necessarily just a sex thing, but a basic connection thing. I've often thought, that if I had to choose between a sexless marriage with a woman or a sexless marriage with a man, I would still choose a man. There are other ways that I connect with men besides the physical or sexual that feed my soul in ways reltionahips with women don't. With men it feels full of possiblity and growth and with women, it feels kind of like an eventual dead end.
ReplyDeleteYes, I felt very similar. In fact, I DID contemplate living in sexless community with men, when I spent some time at a monastery as part of my discernment process about what to do about about my sexual orientation. I remember thinking, I like this. I could be happy here. (Though ultimately I didn't feel called to monastic life.)
ReplyDeleteI don't know how to describe it, but I just felt this very basic sort of internal warning "alarm" in relation to marrying a woman. It was just a very strong sense of "Danger! Don't do this! This would be a terrible mistake."
Some guys I've talked to who got married to women and eventually had their marriages fail have recounted to me experiences where they felt a similar warning... And they ignored it, thinking, "It can't possibly be wrong to marry a woman."
On the other hand, I remember talking to Ty Mansfield shortly after he got engaged... For him, instead of feeling discomfort or warning, he had a very good feeling about the relationship, and felt a sense of peace about it.
I do think we need to trust ourselves at that basic level, listen to what we're feeling about a particular situation.
I like your analysis. So many meaningless numbers being tossed around! I've been sad that so many people have felt the need to virtually discredit the Weeds' unusual and beautiful story. I understand the defensiveness of those trying to carve a different path, but it sure seems like some people are implying there's only one "right" or "real" way to be gay. And to me the goal should be to communicate that there are as many ways to be gay as there are gay people - everyone should be able to carve their own path through life and seek joy, whatever that means for them. If there are "right" and "wrong" ways to be gay, does it really matter which is the right one and which is the wrong one? Either way, people will be unnecessarily pigeon-holed into a life that may not be right for them.
ReplyDeleteI loved this blog post! I've had two girlfriends over the years, and there's been women that I've felt emotionally drawn toward (mostly because of things like singing or talent). Sadly, the idea of being physically close to them or even emotionally close repulsed me.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to see that many people reject other's experiences because it's different from their own. Definitely something I need to work on.