My friend Krisanne just posted something lovely about empathy on her blog that got me thinking. Her post was a result of listening to the RadioWest interview that Kendall did back in December with Doug Fabrizio. Her post isn't long, so go read it. You should actually be following her blog anyway because that girl serves it up Krisanne style. By that, I mean you will always feel like you are sitting around a crackling fire with those you love, drinking something warm while you all bare the most beautiful parts of your souls to each other.
Anyway, here's part of what Krisanne said on her blog:
After letting this interview stew for 24 hours, I've come to the conclusion that I would do well in taking a page from the book of Kendall. It is easy for me to demonize those who don't think like I do or to dismiss their beliefs as less evolved. It is a breeze for me to cling to ideologies and worship at the altar of liberalism instead of really sitting for a time with those with whom I disagree (mostly conservative Republicans. Ha!). Really, how prideful of me. That sort of attitude does nothing in progressing the cause of empathy. It doesn't mean that I can't speak up for what I feel is right or good or true. It just means that I should avoid snorting and sighing audibly when other people disagree with me. It really means that I could do better at seeking to understand the lived experience of everyone, especially those who see things very differently than I do.
I got to thinking about why it is so damn hard to seek to understand people with whom we disagree strongly. I think part of it is that seeking to understand feels a lot like you are allowing yourself to validate and agree with that person, which in turn feels like you are killing off a part of yourself and your identity by giving it over to understanding the other person's lived experience. That is a scary space to allow yourself to visit. What if you come out of it with some of your key beliefs and assumptions turned upside down? What if, heaven forbid, the experience leaves you feeling love towards this person you despise?
I realize the process of empathy is much easier to talk about than to employ in every day life. Sometimes the other person returns nothing but hate and vitriol. Sometimes we are awkward in our seeking to show empathy and come off sounding condescending. The process is riddled with land mines. I think it's where we start though. And even though seeking to have feelings of empathy doesn't always lead to empathetic behavior, I believe that's where it starts. It's very possible to have empathetic feelings not lead to empathetic behavior, but I think it's virtually impossible to have the behavior take place without having the feelings first.
I believe the idea of the atonement is the ultimate example of empathy. Christ allowed himself to visit and feel the lived experience of anyone who had or would ever live. Through doing that, he didn't destroy who he was, but lifted everyone and allowed them to become better than they otherwise would be and he became Savior. Each of us has the opportunity to do the some small portion of that for everyone around us. How else are we to become more like the Divine?
It reminds me of my favorite quote. I've posted it on this blog several times and I'm posting it again.
By size I mean the stature of [your] soul, the range and depth of [your] love, [your] capacity for relationships. I mean the volume of life you can take into your being and still maintain your integrity and individuality, the intensity and variety of outlook you can entertain in the unity of your being without feeling defensive or insecure. I mean the strength of your spirit to encourage others to become freer in the development of their diversity and uniqueness. I mean the power to sustain more complex and enriching tensions. I mean the magnanimity of concern to provide conditions that enable others to increase in stature. --Bernard Loomer
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
meditations on Downton Abbey love
I meditated this morning. It's been a while. I went on a meditation retreat a few weeks ago, but other than that, it's been a while since I sat down and meditated. I like to do it in the morning after I shower, but lately sleep has won out. I fell asleep fairly early last night and was wide awake at 5:45. So I meditated.
One of the things that I like about meditation is that if you are failing at it, you can still be doing it right. The idea is that you sit still and empty your mind of all thoughts. You leave the past in the past and the future in the future and you focus on your body and breathing here and now. It usually takes me a while to completely quiet my mind. It's hard to not think about anything at all. We're all so addicted to thinking. The meditating can still be a useful exercise though, when I pay attention to what the tentacles of my mind are grasping at. When I sit still and manage to clear my mind for a minute or two, what bubbles up? What do my grasping mind tentacles tell me about myself?
Also, I have a boyfriend. It just kind of happened fairly unexpectedly. I've known of him for at least a couple of years, but we came in contact again in October, the month in which we were both born. It was one of those things where circumstances allowed both of us to see each other in a different light. The development of the relationship has been about as easy as walking into a gorgeous, dimly lit room. You just walk in and have a vague sense that there's something beautiful about the room and it's confirmed as the sun gradually rises and light floods the room and you are somehow both surprised and not surprised to realize how beautiful and comfortable it is. Like the curling-up-on-the-couch-together-on-a-Sunday-evening-eating-delicious-Valentine's-popcorn-and-watching-Downton-Abbey kind of beautiful and comfortable. That's me and Ryan.
One of the things that I like about meditation is that if you are failing at it, you can still be doing it right. The idea is that you sit still and empty your mind of all thoughts. You leave the past in the past and the future in the future and you focus on your body and breathing here and now. It usually takes me a while to completely quiet my mind. It's hard to not think about anything at all. We're all so addicted to thinking. The meditating can still be a useful exercise though, when I pay attention to what the tentacles of my mind are grasping at. When I sit still and manage to clear my mind for a minute or two, what bubbles up? What do my grasping mind tentacles tell me about myself?
Also, I have a boyfriend. It just kind of happened fairly unexpectedly. I've known of him for at least a couple of years, but we came in contact again in October, the month in which we were both born. It was one of those things where circumstances allowed both of us to see each other in a different light. The development of the relationship has been about as easy as walking into a gorgeous, dimly lit room. You just walk in and have a vague sense that there's something beautiful about the room and it's confirmed as the sun gradually rises and light floods the room and you are somehow both surprised and not surprised to realize how beautiful and comfortable it is. Like the curling-up-on-the-couch-together-on-a-Sunday-evening-eating-delicious-Valentine's-popcorn-and-watching-Downton-Abbey kind of beautiful and comfortable. That's me and Ryan.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
shamed
I've been really sparse with the blog updates lately. I'm not really apologizing for it though, just acknowledging it. It's partly due to me being super busy at work and partly due to a certain someone who has been a welcome distraction. I'll blog more about that later. For now, I'd like to draw your attention to a documentary that some friends of mine are working on called Shamed. Pornography addiction is certainly an issue that can cripple the lives of those who become ensnared, and I think we often don't talk about it in ways that are helpful for those who feel trapped by it. I think the ways we talk about it can actually make things worse.
As stated on their Kickstarter page, "Shamed will look at how to remove the debilitating personal and group shame that exists around pornography and sexuality in conservative Christian communities. Our best protection is open, honest, healthy communication on pornography and sexual addiction, empowering the people we love to SPEAK, LISTEN, and HEAL."
Visit their Kickstarter page and if it's a project you'd like to see happen, send them some monetary love and pass on the link to others who might be interested in contributing.
As stated on their Kickstarter page, "Shamed will look at how to remove the debilitating personal and group shame that exists around pornography and sexuality in conservative Christian communities. Our best protection is open, honest, healthy communication on pornography and sexual addiction, empowering the people we love to SPEAK, LISTEN, and HEAL."
Visit their Kickstarter page and if it's a project you'd like to see happen, send them some monetary love and pass on the link to others who might be interested in contributing.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
a great net of souls
The following is an excerpt from an essay by Joanna Macy entitled "Pass it On." She tells of her experience in 1992 doing some despair and empowerment work with residents of the Russian city Novozybkov, which is one of the cities that was most contaminated by the Chernobyl nuclear disaster in 1986.
That afternoon the grief broke open.
It happened unexpectedly, at the close of a guided meditation in which I invited these people of Novozybkov to connect with their ancestors and harvest their strengths. Moving through the room, as on a vast wheel turning, they went backward in time through all preceding generations, with Yuri's voice guiding them. Then they stopped and moved forward, retracing their steps through time, in order to gather the gifts of the ancestors. But when we came up to the year 1986, they balked. They did not want to come any further into the present. They refused to accept the horror of what happened to them then--and that very refusal compelled them to speak of it.
Talk exploded, releasing memories of that unacceptable spring: the searing hot wind from the southwest, the white ash that fell from a clear sky, the children running and playing in it, the drenching rain the followed, the rumors, the fear. Remember how it was? Remember, remember? I saw you standing in your doorway, watching. Our team had laid out paper and colored pencils for people to draw the gifts they'd harvested from the ancestors, but now there was one theme only. A number of the drawings featured trees, and a road to the trees, and across the road a barrier, or a large X, blocking the way.
When we finally reassembled in one large circle, the good feelings that had grown during the workshop shattered into anger, now directed at me. "Why have you done this to us?" a woman cried out. What good does it do? I would be willing to feel the sorrow--all the sorrow in the world--if it could save my two little daughters from cancer. Each time I look at them I wonder about tumors growing inside them. Can my tears protect them? What good are my tears if they can't?"
Angry, puzzled statements came from all around me. Our time together had been so good until now, so welcome a respite from what their lives had become; why had I spoiled it?
Listening to them all, I felt deeply chastened and silently blamed myself for my insensitivity. What, now, could I possibly say? To lecture on the value of despair work would be obscene. When I finally broke the silence that followed the long outburst, I was surprised that the words that came were not about them or their suffering under Chernobyl, but about the people of Hannelore and Anastasia.
"I have no wisdom with which to meet your grief. But I can share this with you: After the war that almost destroyed their country, the German people determined they would do anything to spare their children the suffering they had known. They worked hard to provide them a safe, rich life. They created an economic miracle. They gave their children everything--except for one thing. They did not give them their broken hearts. And their children have never forgiven them."
The next morning, as we took our seats after the Elm Dance, I was relieved to see that all fifty had returned. Behind us, still taped to the walls, hung the drawings of the previous afternoon, the sketches of the trees, and the slashing Xs that barred the way to the trees. "It was hard yesterday," were my opening words. "How is it with you now?"
The first to rise was the woman who had expressed the greatest anger, the mother of the two daughters. "I hardly slept. It feels like my heart is breaking open. Maybe it will keep breaking again and again, I don't know. But somehow--I can't explain--it feels right. It connects me to everything and everyone, as if we were all branches of the same tree."
That afternoon the grief broke open.
It happened unexpectedly, at the close of a guided meditation in which I invited these people of Novozybkov to connect with their ancestors and harvest their strengths. Moving through the room, as on a vast wheel turning, they went backward in time through all preceding generations, with Yuri's voice guiding them. Then they stopped and moved forward, retracing their steps through time, in order to gather the gifts of the ancestors. But when we came up to the year 1986, they balked. They did not want to come any further into the present. They refused to accept the horror of what happened to them then--and that very refusal compelled them to speak of it.
Talk exploded, releasing memories of that unacceptable spring: the searing hot wind from the southwest, the white ash that fell from a clear sky, the children running and playing in it, the drenching rain the followed, the rumors, the fear. Remember how it was? Remember, remember? I saw you standing in your doorway, watching. Our team had laid out paper and colored pencils for people to draw the gifts they'd harvested from the ancestors, but now there was one theme only. A number of the drawings featured trees, and a road to the trees, and across the road a barrier, or a large X, blocking the way.
When we finally reassembled in one large circle, the good feelings that had grown during the workshop shattered into anger, now directed at me. "Why have you done this to us?" a woman cried out. What good does it do? I would be willing to feel the sorrow--all the sorrow in the world--if it could save my two little daughters from cancer. Each time I look at them I wonder about tumors growing inside them. Can my tears protect them? What good are my tears if they can't?"
Angry, puzzled statements came from all around me. Our time together had been so good until now, so welcome a respite from what their lives had become; why had I spoiled it?
Listening to them all, I felt deeply chastened and silently blamed myself for my insensitivity. What, now, could I possibly say? To lecture on the value of despair work would be obscene. When I finally broke the silence that followed the long outburst, I was surprised that the words that came were not about them or their suffering under Chernobyl, but about the people of Hannelore and Anastasia.
"I have no wisdom with which to meet your grief. But I can share this with you: After the war that almost destroyed their country, the German people determined they would do anything to spare their children the suffering they had known. They worked hard to provide them a safe, rich life. They created an economic miracle. They gave their children everything--except for one thing. They did not give them their broken hearts. And their children have never forgiven them."
The next morning, as we took our seats after the Elm Dance, I was relieved to see that all fifty had returned. Behind us, still taped to the walls, hung the drawings of the previous afternoon, the sketches of the trees, and the slashing Xs that barred the way to the trees. "It was hard yesterday," were my opening words. "How is it with you now?"
The first to rise was the woman who had expressed the greatest anger, the mother of the two daughters. "I hardly slept. It feels like my heart is breaking open. Maybe it will keep breaking again and again, I don't know. But somehow--I can't explain--it feels right. It connects me to everything and everyone, as if we were all branches of the same tree."
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
hillary clinton on gay rights
There are probably some people who read my blog who will probably tune out as soon as they see the name Hillary Clinton. Come back!! Also, there might be some who when they see the words "gay rights", will automatically assume this is about gay marriage and tune out because they are tired of that whole debate. Come back!! Hillary gave a speech on gay rights in Geneva to the United Nations Human Rights Council, and she said a lot of really great things. You can watch her speech below or read the transcript here.
Here's an excerpt:
Of course, it bears noting that rarely are cultural and religious traditions and teachings actually in conflict with the protection of human rights. Indeed, our religion and our culture are sources of compassion and inspiration toward our fellow human beings. It was not only those who’ve justified slavery who leaned on religion, it was also those who sought to abolish it. And let us keep in mind that our commitments to protect the freedom of religion and to defend the dignity of LGBT people emanate from a common source. For many of us, religious belief and practice is a vital source of meaning and identity, and fundamental to who we are as people. And likewise, for most of us, the bonds of love and family that we forge are also vital sources of meaning and identity. And caring for others is an expression of what it means to be fully human. It is because the human experience is universal that human rights are universal and cut across all religions and cultures.
The fourth issue is what history teaches us about how we make progress towards rights for all. Progress starts with honest discussion. Now, there are some who say and believe that all gay people are pedophiles, that homosexuality is a disease that can be caught or cured, or that gays recruit others to become gay. Well, these notions are simply not true. They are also unlikely to disappear if those who promote or accept them are dismissed out of hand rather than invited to share their fears and concerns. No one has ever abandoned a belief because he was forced to do so.
Universal human rights include freedom of expression and freedom of belief, even if our words or beliefs denigrate the humanity of others. Yet, while we are each free to believe whatever we choose, we cannot do whatever we choose, not in a world where we protect the human rights of all.
Reaching understanding of these issues takes more than speech. It does take a conversation. In fact, it takes a constellation of conversations in places big and small. And it takes a willingness to see stark differences in belief as a reason to begin the conversation, not to avoid it.
Here's an excerpt:
Of course, it bears noting that rarely are cultural and religious traditions and teachings actually in conflict with the protection of human rights. Indeed, our religion and our culture are sources of compassion and inspiration toward our fellow human beings. It was not only those who’ve justified slavery who leaned on religion, it was also those who sought to abolish it. And let us keep in mind that our commitments to protect the freedom of religion and to defend the dignity of LGBT people emanate from a common source. For many of us, religious belief and practice is a vital source of meaning and identity, and fundamental to who we are as people. And likewise, for most of us, the bonds of love and family that we forge are also vital sources of meaning and identity. And caring for others is an expression of what it means to be fully human. It is because the human experience is universal that human rights are universal and cut across all religions and cultures.
The fourth issue is what history teaches us about how we make progress towards rights for all. Progress starts with honest discussion. Now, there are some who say and believe that all gay people are pedophiles, that homosexuality is a disease that can be caught or cured, or that gays recruit others to become gay. Well, these notions are simply not true. They are also unlikely to disappear if those who promote or accept them are dismissed out of hand rather than invited to share their fears and concerns. No one has ever abandoned a belief because he was forced to do so.
Universal human rights include freedom of expression and freedom of belief, even if our words or beliefs denigrate the humanity of others. Yet, while we are each free to believe whatever we choose, we cannot do whatever we choose, not in a world where we protect the human rights of all.
Reaching understanding of these issues takes more than speech. It does take a conversation. In fact, it takes a constellation of conversations in places big and small. And it takes a willingness to see stark differences in belief as a reason to begin the conversation, not to avoid it.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
google reader sadness
For about as long as I've had my blog, I've had my "shared items" box in the sidebar. The box was populated by stuff I would read in Google Reader and then share. Google updated Reader a few weeks ago and it appears as though it lost that functionality. Boo. Well, you guys, I still have things to share. If anyone knows of a similar and simple way to share stuffs I find on the interwebs, feel free to clue me in. In the mean time, I will share some stuff below that I think you should check out.
First of all, Joanna Brooks deserves a paragraph all to herself. If you haven't heard of Joanna, I feel really bad for you. It's not too late to change that though. She has an advice column called Ask Mormon Girl where she tackles intriguing questions like "Is my Mormon hipster style wrecking my marriage chances?" or "My daughter is bringing her girlfriend home. What's a Mormon mom to do?" or "I'm at a tricky spot in my religious life, and I've let my temple recommend expire. Now, my best friend is getting married in the temple. Help?" or "I'm a 16 year old Latina Mormon, and I'm fed up with my ward's lame Young Women's Program. Help!" or "I'm sexually attracted to my fiance! Should I fee guilty?"
(OK, Joanna get's two paragraphs) Also, if you haven't already, you should listen to Krista Tippett's interview with Joanna about Mormonism for Krista's public radio show OnBeing as well as Joanna's appearance on NPR's Talk of the Nation. Kendall interviewed both Joanna and Krista (separately) for Far Between, so you'll be able to see both of them in that next year. If it seems like I have a crush on Joanna, it's because I do. I dare you to try and not have a crush on her.
Other interesting items to check out:
Are Mormons Any Weirder Than The Rest of Us? from the Huffington Post
My Gay Husband from the New York Times
The forbidden labels of discipleship from my friend Adam's blog. He posts a conversation he had on Facebook with someone about homosexuality. I think he does a great job of addressing some common misunderstandings without it coming to blows. :)
And then there's this from Tom & Lorenzo. Because it's so. damn. funny.
I'm sure there are plenty of other things that I have read and loved and since forgotten. Blame Google.
First of all, Joanna Brooks deserves a paragraph all to herself. If you haven't heard of Joanna, I feel really bad for you. It's not too late to change that though. She has an advice column called Ask Mormon Girl where she tackles intriguing questions like "Is my Mormon hipster style wrecking my marriage chances?" or "My daughter is bringing her girlfriend home. What's a Mormon mom to do?" or "I'm at a tricky spot in my religious life, and I've let my temple recommend expire. Now, my best friend is getting married in the temple. Help?" or "I'm a 16 year old Latina Mormon, and I'm fed up with my ward's lame Young Women's Program. Help!" or "I'm sexually attracted to my fiance! Should I fee guilty?"
(OK, Joanna get's two paragraphs) Also, if you haven't already, you should listen to Krista Tippett's interview with Joanna about Mormonism for Krista's public radio show OnBeing as well as Joanna's appearance on NPR's Talk of the Nation. Kendall interviewed both Joanna and Krista (separately) for Far Between, so you'll be able to see both of them in that next year. If it seems like I have a crush on Joanna, it's because I do. I dare you to try and not have a crush on her.
Other interesting items to check out:
Are Mormons Any Weirder Than The Rest of Us? from the Huffington Post
My Gay Husband from the New York Times
The forbidden labels of discipleship from my friend Adam's blog. He posts a conversation he had on Facebook with someone about homosexuality. I think he does a great job of addressing some common misunderstandings without it coming to blows. :)
And then there's this from Tom & Lorenzo. Because it's so. damn. funny.
I'm sure there are plenty of other things that I have read and loved and since forgotten. Blame Google.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
faith and doubt
I am convinced that there must be grounds for doubt as well as belief, in order to render the choice more truly a choice, and therefore the more deliberate, and laden with personal vulnerability and investment. The option to believe must appear on one's personal horizon like the fruit of paradise, perched precariously between sets of demands held in dynamic tension. One is, it would seem, always provided with sufficent materials out of which to fashion a life of credible conviction or dismissive denial. We are acted upon, in other words, by appeals to our personal values, our yearnings, our fears, our appetites and our ego. What we choose to embrace, to be responsive to, is the purest reflection of who we are and what we love. That is why faith, the choice to believe, is in the final analysis an action that is positively laden with moral significance. The call to faith is a summons to engage the heart, to attune it to resonate in sympathy with principles and values and ideals that we devoutly hope are true, and have reasonable but not certain grounds for believing to be true.
Terryl Givens, "Lightning out of Heaven: Joseph Smith and the Forging of Community," forum address, Brigham Young University, 29 November, 2005
I sense that my worship differs from that of many with whom I share a pew in sacrament meeting. This difference arises, I think, from a difference in the focus of our fundamental human anxiety...[M]y anxiety is focused not upon whether my immortal soul may suffer damnation but upon whether I have an immortal soul. It seems a pity to take one's immortality for granted, to expect it and count on it. It seems a pity to be so sheltered from the terror of death that one's gratitude for the resurrection is merely dutiful and perfunctory. Perhaps truly there are religious advantages to doubt. Perhaps only a doubter can appreciate the miracle of life without end.
Levi Peterson, "A Christian by Yearning: Pillars of My Faith," Sunstone, September, 1988, 20.
(Both quotes were included in the article "Soulcraft 101: Faith, Doubt, and the Process of Education" by Boyd Peterson)
Terryl Givens, "Lightning out of Heaven: Joseph Smith and the Forging of Community," forum address, Brigham Young University, 29 November, 2005
I sense that my worship differs from that of many with whom I share a pew in sacrament meeting. This difference arises, I think, from a difference in the focus of our fundamental human anxiety...[M]y anxiety is focused not upon whether my immortal soul may suffer damnation but upon whether I have an immortal soul. It seems a pity to take one's immortality for granted, to expect it and count on it. It seems a pity to be so sheltered from the terror of death that one's gratitude for the resurrection is merely dutiful and perfunctory. Perhaps truly there are religious advantages to doubt. Perhaps only a doubter can appreciate the miracle of life without end.
Levi Peterson, "A Christian by Yearning: Pillars of My Faith," Sunstone, September, 1988, 20.
(Both quotes were included in the article "Soulcraft 101: Faith, Doubt, and the Process of Education" by Boyd Peterson)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
the spirituality of gayness
Last week, Kendall was sharing quotes from past LDS general authorities or other leaders on the topic of homosexuality on the Far Between Facebook page. Some of them were older doozies like this one from Ernest Wilkinson, who was the president of BYU for twenty years in the 50's and 60's and felt the need to address the topic of homosexuality during a devotional with the student body:
If any of you have this tendency and have not completely abandoned it, may I suggest that you leave the university immediately after this assembly; and if you will be honest enough to let us know the reason, we will voluntarily refund your tuition. We do not want others on this campus to be contaminated by your presence. ("Make Honor Your Standard" BYU Speeches of the Year. 1965-1966, Provo, UT: Brigham Young University Press, 1966, p. 9)
There is also this passage from a talk Boyd K. Packer gave at the priesthood session of conference in October 1976. You won't find this talk in the online archives of general conference talks though. Mostly because it is one hot mess:
I repeat, very plainly, physical mischief with another man is forbidden. It is forbidden by the Lord. There are some men who entice young men to join them in these immoral acts. If you are ever approached to participate in anything like that, it is time to vigorously resist. While I was in a mission on one occasion, a missionary said he had something to confess. I was very worried because he just could not get himself to tell me what he had done.
After patient encouragement, he finally blurted out, "I hit my companion." "Oh, is that all," I said in great relief. "But I floored him," he said. After learning a little more, my response was, "Well, thanks. Somebody had to do it, and it wouldn't be well for a General Authority to solve the problem that way." I am not recommending that course to you, but I am not omitting it. You must protect yourself. (The talk in its entirety can be read here.)
The story seems a little incomplete, like Elder Packer is leaving out some details, but it sounds like a missionary punched his companion after he made some unwelcome advances and Elder Packer thanked him for doing so. I share these quotes just to illustrate how the response to and treatment of homosexuality and homosexuals themselves seems to have largely come from a place of fear and discomfort, at the expense of those who have and do thoughtfully try to find a space for themselves within the religious tradition they were brought up in and love.
I wish I could just dismiss the quotes above as rare and isolated and from a time when we just didn't understand things the way we do now. But try telling that to the BYU freshman who after hearing President Wilkinson's talk is afraid to open up to anyone about how he feels for fear of being seen as a contaminating presence on campus and for fear of being asked to leave the school. Or the teenaged boy listening to Elder Packer in conference suggest that violence is sometimes the answer. If you haven't read the section on homosexuality in The Miracle of Forgiveness, you should check that out (or maybe don't).
The problem with all of the above is that it takes a while for the culture that builds up around these comments made by these men who wield significant influence to die out or change. It also doesn't help that comments are still being made and talks are still being given that still seem to come from a place of fear and discomfort. (see Elder Packer's October 2010 conference talk).
The church's most recent official publication on same sex attraction is God Loveth His Children. It's definitely much better than what President Kimball had to say in The Miracle of Forgiveness, and a lot of the language used is at least more uplifting and maybe parts of it are even empowering, but then you still get stuff like this:
It is not helpful to flaunt homosexual tendencies or make them the subject of unnecessary observation or discussion. It is better to choose as friends those who do not publicly display their homosexual feelings. The careful selection of friends and mentors who lead constructive, righteous lives is one of the most important steps to being productive and virtuous. Association with those fo the same gender is natural and desirable, so long as you set wise boundaries to avoid improper and unhealthy emotional dependency, which may eventually result in physical and sexual intimacy. There is moral risk in having so close a relationship with one friend of the same gender that it may lead to vices the Lord has condemned.
It's slightly better, but it still seems to encourage avoidance of reality. I'm not even sure what it means to flaunt my homosexual tendencies, or to publicly display my homosexual feelings. I think early on I took it to mean that I needed to scrub out any part of me that might appear gay. I realized that by following and buying into what the church taught about homosexuality left me feeling disconnected from self and others and the spirit. There's this sense of finality to the approach. Like we know all there is to know on the subject, so everyone fall in line. We believe in continuing revelation, but somehow that doesn't seem to apply to homosexuality. I think the first step of continuing revelation is opening myself up to the idea that more revelation is needed. If I think I know all I need to know, then of course I won't be struck with new ways of perceiving and understanding things.
I much prefer this quote by Hugh B. Brown: We have been blessed with much knowledge by revelation from God which, in some part, the world lacks. But there is an incomprehensibly greater part of truth that we must yet discover. Our revealed truth should leave us stricken with the knowledge of how little we really know. It should never lead to an emotional arrogance based upon the false assumption that we somehow have all the answers - that we in fact have a corner on the truth. For we do not.
I share all of this because I listened to this fantastic exploration of gender and sexuality on the way to work this morning and it feels so much more open to possibilities and continued understanding. It feels more empowering and inspiring. Go ahead. Listen.
If any of you have this tendency and have not completely abandoned it, may I suggest that you leave the university immediately after this assembly; and if you will be honest enough to let us know the reason, we will voluntarily refund your tuition. We do not want others on this campus to be contaminated by your presence. ("Make Honor Your Standard" BYU Speeches of the Year. 1965-1966, Provo, UT: Brigham Young University Press, 1966, p. 9)
There is also this passage from a talk Boyd K. Packer gave at the priesthood session of conference in October 1976. You won't find this talk in the online archives of general conference talks though. Mostly because it is one hot mess:
I repeat, very plainly, physical mischief with another man is forbidden. It is forbidden by the Lord. There are some men who entice young men to join them in these immoral acts. If you are ever approached to participate in anything like that, it is time to vigorously resist. While I was in a mission on one occasion, a missionary said he had something to confess. I was very worried because he just could not get himself to tell me what he had done.
After patient encouragement, he finally blurted out, "I hit my companion." "Oh, is that all," I said in great relief. "But I floored him," he said. After learning a little more, my response was, "Well, thanks. Somebody had to do it, and it wouldn't be well for a General Authority to solve the problem that way." I am not recommending that course to you, but I am not omitting it. You must protect yourself. (The talk in its entirety can be read here.)
The story seems a little incomplete, like Elder Packer is leaving out some details, but it sounds like a missionary punched his companion after he made some unwelcome advances and Elder Packer thanked him for doing so. I share these quotes just to illustrate how the response to and treatment of homosexuality and homosexuals themselves seems to have largely come from a place of fear and discomfort, at the expense of those who have and do thoughtfully try to find a space for themselves within the religious tradition they were brought up in and love.
I wish I could just dismiss the quotes above as rare and isolated and from a time when we just didn't understand things the way we do now. But try telling that to the BYU freshman who after hearing President Wilkinson's talk is afraid to open up to anyone about how he feels for fear of being seen as a contaminating presence on campus and for fear of being asked to leave the school. Or the teenaged boy listening to Elder Packer in conference suggest that violence is sometimes the answer. If you haven't read the section on homosexuality in The Miracle of Forgiveness, you should check that out (or maybe don't).
The problem with all of the above is that it takes a while for the culture that builds up around these comments made by these men who wield significant influence to die out or change. It also doesn't help that comments are still being made and talks are still being given that still seem to come from a place of fear and discomfort. (see Elder Packer's October 2010 conference talk).
The church's most recent official publication on same sex attraction is God Loveth His Children. It's definitely much better than what President Kimball had to say in The Miracle of Forgiveness, and a lot of the language used is at least more uplifting and maybe parts of it are even empowering, but then you still get stuff like this:
It is not helpful to flaunt homosexual tendencies or make them the subject of unnecessary observation or discussion. It is better to choose as friends those who do not publicly display their homosexual feelings. The careful selection of friends and mentors who lead constructive, righteous lives is one of the most important steps to being productive and virtuous. Association with those fo the same gender is natural and desirable, so long as you set wise boundaries to avoid improper and unhealthy emotional dependency, which may eventually result in physical and sexual intimacy. There is moral risk in having so close a relationship with one friend of the same gender that it may lead to vices the Lord has condemned.
It's slightly better, but it still seems to encourage avoidance of reality. I'm not even sure what it means to flaunt my homosexual tendencies, or to publicly display my homosexual feelings. I think early on I took it to mean that I needed to scrub out any part of me that might appear gay. I realized that by following and buying into what the church taught about homosexuality left me feeling disconnected from self and others and the spirit. There's this sense of finality to the approach. Like we know all there is to know on the subject, so everyone fall in line. We believe in continuing revelation, but somehow that doesn't seem to apply to homosexuality. I think the first step of continuing revelation is opening myself up to the idea that more revelation is needed. If I think I know all I need to know, then of course I won't be struck with new ways of perceiving and understanding things.
I much prefer this quote by Hugh B. Brown: We have been blessed with much knowledge by revelation from God which, in some part, the world lacks. But there is an incomprehensibly greater part of truth that we must yet discover. Our revealed truth should leave us stricken with the knowledge of how little we really know. It should never lead to an emotional arrogance based upon the false assumption that we somehow have all the answers - that we in fact have a corner on the truth. For we do not.
I share all of this because I listened to this fantastic exploration of gender and sexuality on the way to work this morning and it feels so much more open to possibilities and continued understanding. It feels more empowering and inspiring. Go ahead. Listen.
Monday, November 7, 2011
circling the wagons in SLC
This past weekend I attended the "Circling the Wagons" conference in Salt Lake, sponsored by Mormon Stories. It's gotten quite a bit of coverage in the local Utah media as well as some national media attention: Deseret News, Salt Lake Tribune, Religion Dispatches, Towleroad, and Huffington Post. John Dehlin posted the talk given by Kevin Kloosterman, a current bishop who flew in from Illinois for the conference on his own dime, on the Mormon Stories site. There was some concern that his remarks were misrepresented in the Salt Lake Tribune article linked above. I wasn't there for those remarks, but I was present when he bore his testimony at the meeting on Saturday. I found him to be very sweet and engaging. He was incredibly brave to do what he did.
I really enjoyed Carol Lynn Pearson's talk. She does a terrific job of inspiring and also not being proscriptive about what is the correct path to follow. She talked about Joseph Campbell and the Hero's Journey and compared it to the journey of the gay Mormon. This youtube clip does a pretty good job of explaining the Hero's Journey. I thought it was incredibly wise of her to tap into a big metaphor that allows itself to be accessible to a broad audience.
One of the great things about conferences like these is seeing people you don't get to see often enough, meeting people you've been getting to know online and meeting new people altogether. I got to meet a long lost cousin this weekend. He contacted me after reading this post about my namesake. We both are descendents of my great great grandfather, who I am named after. We descend from different wives though. Anyway, it was a great surprise to meet him this weekend.
I also ate some great food while I was there. If you live in SLC and haven't eaten at Mazza, go there right now. I also ate at Aristo's for the first time for my friend Dan's birthday on Friday and it was also delicious.
I really enjoyed Carol Lynn Pearson's talk. She does a terrific job of inspiring and also not being proscriptive about what is the correct path to follow. She talked about Joseph Campbell and the Hero's Journey and compared it to the journey of the gay Mormon. This youtube clip does a pretty good job of explaining the Hero's Journey. I thought it was incredibly wise of her to tap into a big metaphor that allows itself to be accessible to a broad audience.
One of the great things about conferences like these is seeing people you don't get to see often enough, meeting people you've been getting to know online and meeting new people altogether. I got to meet a long lost cousin this weekend. He contacted me after reading this post about my namesake. We both are descendents of my great great grandfather, who I am named after. We descend from different wives though. Anyway, it was a great surprise to meet him this weekend.
I also ate some great food while I was there. If you live in SLC and haven't eaten at Mazza, go there right now. I also ate at Aristo's for the first time for my friend Dan's birthday on Friday and it was also delicious.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
circling the wagons
If you are in Salt Lake City this coming weekend (November 4-6), the Mormon Stories community is hosting a conference for LGBTQ and SGA Mormons. Go here to register and get more details about what specifically will be happening each day. There will be presentations by Carol Lynn Pearson, Bill Bradshaw and others. Whether you are in the process of sorting through the reconciliation of your sexuality with your spirituality for yourself or are a friend or family member wanting to know how to support someone you love, I think there will be some helpful information.
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