Throwing in my two bits

Earlier this month, the American Psychological Association (APA) came out with a report entitled Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation. If you’re neither gay nor a psychologist, you may have missed it. I haven’t read the whole thing yet, (it’s over 100 pages long) but I have read the executive summary since it’s only seven pages.

I’ve read a handful of news articles and blog posts about this report and it seems that, generally speaking, the discussion often seems to revolve around whether change therapy or reparative therapy is legitimate or not. For those of you who aren’t familiar with that terminology, reparative therapy is centered around the idea that someone who is attracted to the same gender can diminish and possibly eliminate those attractions and develop an attraction to the opposite gender. I don’t want to talk about that because I don’t think it really matters AND I don’t think that’s the most important part of the APA’s report.

Here’s what I think is important:

“Given that there is diversity in how individuals define and express their sexual orientation identity, an affirmative approach is supportive of clients’ identity development without an a priori treatment goal concerning how clients identify or live out their sexual orientation or spiritual beliefs. This type of therapy can provide a safe space where the different aspects of the evolving self can be acknowledged, explored, and respected and potentially rewoven into a more coherent sense of self that feels authentic to the client, and it can be helpful to those who accept, reject, or are ambivalent about their same-sex attractions.”

In other words, the psychologist shouldn’t have an agenda for their clients. The client is the one who should determine the agenda. The therapist should be there to aide the client in that process of figuring out what is going to work best for him or her, without ignoring the same-sex attractions or spiritual beliefs. The idea that I am in charge is called self-determination.

“Self determination is the process by which a person controls or determines the course of her or his own life. LMHP (licensed mental health providers) maximize self-determination by (a) providing effective psychotherapy that explores the client’s assumptions and goals, without preconditions on the outcome; (b) providing resources to manage and reduce distress; and (c) permitting the client to decide the ultimate goal of how to self-identify and live out her or his sexual orientation.”

Aren’t we all supposed to be working out our own salvation? The part that stuck out to me in the preceding paragraph is that one of the purposes of psychotherapy is to explore the client’s assumptions and goals. I think that kind of exploration is what’s going to enable the client to more clearly define what path is going to work best.

I think too often we reduce the paths for gay Mormons/Christians/etc. down to two options: either adopt a TV/Movie version of a gay identity and forget about religion and spirituality, or do the opposite and try to ignore same sex attractions and conform to an idea of what they perceive their religion wants them to be (just pretend to be straight and get married). Also, the subject too often gets politicized and agendas start to bubble up and people take sides and we lose sight of the fact that we are talking about real people who are trying to figure out how to find happiness.

Bringing this to a personal level, I spent many years believing that reparative therapy was the answer for me AND for everyone in my situation. Looking back, I feel like I was on a hamster wheel that whole time, and years later I am still very attracted to men. This was verified for me when I was walking through the mall at lunch today and saw a giant Noah Mills in the window at Gap. I’ve shed the reparative belief and have taken the idea of marrying a woman off the table. Before there were only a select few who knew about me because I felt like it made no sense to be open about it if I intended to become straight and marry a woman. Now I am very open about it. My path is still being defined and it will probably continue to evolve throughout my life. I feel more myself than I ever have though, and I’m content a good deal of the time to not know where my path is leading but to just take it one step at a time and watch it unfold.

Having said all that, I’m trying not to make the same mistake twice in believing that since my path seems to be working for me right now, it’s the path for everyone. I know guys who tell virtually no one and marry a woman and seem to be happy. I also know guys who have gotten married and it doesn’t end well. I know guys who stay in the church and choose to remain celibate. Some guys choose to be openly gay and still participate at church. Some guys choose to not participate at church but still stay connected to their spiritual side and are probably actually better off for it. And of course some guys end up going off the deep end.

I could go on but this whole post could be boiled down to just this: It’s up to each of us to listen to our inner voice (the Holy Ghost, conscience, whatever you want to call it) and determine a path that will bring us closer to God, or fulfillment and peace if you don’t believe in God, and it’s up to those around us to allow us the space to do that.

Oh, and here's Noah so you know what I'm talking about: