Come out, come out or whatever

Coming out is a funny thing. Well, maybe not the act of coming out in and of itself. No I take that back, that can be funny too. I recently met the sister of a friend of mine. I knew that she knew that my friend (her brother) is gay, but I didn’t know if she knew about me. We were just hanging out and talking and throughout the course of the conversation I started working under the assumption that she actually did know about me and basically outed myself, but I thought that maybe she already did know about me. Anyway, by the end of the conversation, it was very clear that she knew and I knew she knew even though it had never been explicitly stated. It wasn’t until afterwards that I found out that she, in fact, had no idea about my sexuality going into the conversation.

Ok, maybe that was more confusing than funny, but back to my earlier point. I think sometimes the ideas and expectations people have about what it means to be gay, and therefore what it means to come out are funny. Through recent conversations, I was reminded that some people still see coming out as a very black and white thing. If you are out, people have certain expectations about what that means about who you are and what your path is. Also, for those coming out, those expectations make it difficult to carve out your own “coming out” or “not coming out” path. Those expectations are kind of like that car ride at amusement parks that keep the car on the predetermined path. This is where Skye’s Sweet Onions come in and remind us to not hold people to certain molds or paths based on our past experience with them or our past experience with others.

Also interesting is that I think some people believe that once you come out, you are out to everyone. Like it’s one grand sweeping act and you’re done. Have you ever seen the episode of The Office where Michael declares bankruptcy by simply yelling, “I declare bankruptcy!!” That’s not how it works for coming out. It’s not like you declare homosexuality and then everyone just knows. For some people that might be the case, but realistically, that’s not how it works. I don’t have a lot of obviously gay traits that would cause people to assume. I consider myself fairly out, but I don’t track down every person I know to make sure they know. It’s also usually not the first thing I tell new people I meet.

There are basically two groups in my life right now where it is not widely known that I’m gay. One is work. I’m sure there are some astute intuitive types who have come to that conclusion, but it’s not something I’ve explicitly stated to anyone there. Part of me feels like it’s none of their business, but another significant part of me kind of wishes that my close friends at work knew. I’m not really sure I know the real reasons why I haven’t chosen to come out on that front yet. I’m sure that’s something that could be explored further.

The other front is the choir I sing in. There are a few people who know, but most don’t. As far as I know, anyway. The question of my singleness and dating has come up before with people at choir, but it never feels quite right to just drop that bomb in casual conversation. This is a very mormon group. I have told a couple people in the choir since joining the choir. One was because a mutual friend of ours suggested that she read my blog and so she asked me for the address, and I was delighted to give it to her. The other I told because he always asked about my dating life and when he was going to get a wedding announcement from me. If people persistently ask me about that stuff, I tell them. It’s not that I don’t want these people at choir to know though. I really don’t care if they do, as a matter of fact I would rather have them know. I guess maybe it’s just that I don’t want to be the one to do it. Not sure what all that means, or if it means anything at all.

So yeah, If people ask if I’m out, I guess it depends on what your definition of out is. To me the words “out” and “gay” can be misunderstood and misleading and confining. I’m just Jon. Anyway. To lighten things up after a long and rambling post, I will now make my first attempt at embedding an audio file. It’s of Ben Taylor, the son of James Taylor, singing. Pay close attention to the words…