Redefining sin and repentance

I really don’t like the words sin and repentance. I think they are two concepts that are completely misunderstood, and therefore the words take on the misunderstood meanings. I think those misunderstood meanings prevent people from making real and transformational changes in their lives.

I say those words and what comes to mind? Awkward interviews with bishops that have a constrictive feeling more than an expansive one. That awful seminary video about the girl who is about to get married and has already sent out wedding invitations but goes a little bit too far with her boyfriend and therefore has to postpone the wedding. The video presents a view of repentance that I think focuses way too much on shame and guilt, two very constrictive feelings. The take away from that video is that to repent means to cry a lot and feel horrible about yourself. I may be exaggerating but that’s kind of how I viewed repentance and I feel like my point of view was largely shaped by bad seminary videos.

Another image that might come to mind is Elder Scott staring directly at me through the camera asking me to pretend like we are alone in a room together, talking one on one. That usually leaves me with more of an unsettled feeling. I wonder if they’ve ever done focus groups to see how people respond to talks like that. I’m guessing I’m not the only one feeling unsettled.

The words sin and repentance might also bring to remembrance talks in our youth that evoke the metaphor of the chewed up piece of gum, or the trampled flower or the cookie with dog crap on it to get us to obey the law of chastity. Not helpful. The reality is that lots of kids are going to mess up. Do we really want to send them the message that if they do, they are now a chewed up piece of gum or a trampled flower or a cookie with dog crap on it that no one is going to want? Probably not.

I think we also limit our view of what sin is to a list of things that you have to go talk to the bishop about. I recently heard a testimony of a girl who said she was flipping through the scriptures one night and kept landing on verses about repentance. She said she wondered what was going on because she felt like she had nothing to repent of. I’m sure she would freely admit that she’s not perfect, but I think what she said illustrates how we limit our repentance to that confession worthy list. I think that line of thought holds us back.

A few months back a friend sent me a talk by Wendy Ulrich called Journey of the Soul. This one is definitely worth reading. I’ve been chewing on it ever since and feel like it provides a view of repentance that goes beyond merely controlling behavior or checking off the three R’s or whatever. It’s about actual foundational transformation, about dismantling those things that we engage in that are self defeating or self limiting. She begins by alluding to Nephi and his family leaving Jerusalem. Here’s a little paragraph to give you a taste of what the talk is about:

Thus begins Nephi’s journey away from Jerusalem, a city steeped in the “tradition of the fathers” as the scriptures call those habits of unrighteousness that pass from one generation to the next unless someone makes the deliberate choice to dismantle them. Usually my own spiritual journeys have begun less dramatically. The crises that push me to abandon familiar paths and question the traditions behind past choices have more often taken the form of a threat to my soul life—to my growth and potential as a human being. When the defenses I have learned have outlived their usefulness—when they can no longer protect me from my enemies of fear and depression and anger and guilt—it is time to leave the pseudo-security of a familiar order and depart into the wilderness.

To me, there are lots of traditions that are passed down not only through families, but also cultures and organizations like the church. Ways of being that are ineffective and perhaps unknowingly self limiting. To me, those things are just as, if not more important to address than the big ticket items. I’ve found that the more foundational changes I make, the less the big ticket items are a concern. They kind of take care of themselves.

I’ll give a more specific example. I was in a meeting recently and someone there mentioned an object lesson that I thought was particularly amazing. I might get some of the details wrong, but I can give you enough of an idea to get my point across. In this object lesson, people are supposed to go through magazines and cut out pictures of people or things that they’d like to be or have. Maybe even of people or things that they think others would like or expect them to be or have. The images are then put into a collage on a big piece of poster board and a person is asked to complete some task while holding up the poster board.

The idea is that if we expend so much energy holding up a façade, it takes away from us being able to exist effectively in life. It’s also dishonest to ourselves and those around us. Mormons are really good at facades. I’m pretty sure most of us wouldn’t put this on our list of grievous sins, but I know that the more I’ve dismantled the façade and tried to bring it down, the easier it has been to avoid those things that are on the grievous sins list. And actually, it now seems kind of ridiculous to have a ranking of sins. That’s what we do though.

Now I try to look at it more as whether something is going to contribute to making me a better person or if something is going to contribute to holding me back. I try to make sure I’m doing more things on the “better person” side as opposed to the “holding me back” side. The balance shifts daily, but gradually I feel the “better person” side winning out more and more. I think it’s because I feel that sense of fulfillment that side provides and want to feel it more. Sometimes things still get cloudy though, but it’s easier to shift the balance back when I need some adjusting.

So yeah, sin and repentance are lame. We need new words.