I’m assuming that by now most of you have heard of the blog (Gay) Mormon Guy. The blog became fairly popular after its author posted a response to Packer's conference talk. I know there has been some speculation about whether or not GMG is who he says he is. Regardless of who he is or isn’t, I initially felt rubbed the wrong way by his blog because it seemed as though he was becoming an unofficial spokesperson for gay Mormons, and I felt that he didn’t effectively speak for me and my experiences.
I’ve moved past that for the most part and now I am able to appreciate his blog for a couple reasons. One, I believe it helps up the maturity level from where it was with many Mormons on the issue of homosexuality. By no means do I think it gets us where we need to be (and I wouldn’t pretend to know where we need to be, I just recognize that we most certainly aren’t there yet), but at least there are now Mormons, besides other gay Mormons, who want to read about the experiences of a gay Mormon guy. It starts with baby steps.
The other reason that I am coming to appreciate his blog is that because his approach to the issue doesn’t resonate with me, it acts as a foil to me and my experiences. It has helped me bring my thoughts and experiences into sharper focus.
GMG recently posted this on his blog. He talks about being concerned that blogging about homosexuality is bringing it more to the forefront in his life, and whether or not that is a good thing. I posted the following comment:
I think there's a lot of value in allowing yourself to feel the attraction, and listen to what it's telling you about yourself and how you relate to others. It's becoming very clear that the church stance is that feeling the attraction itself is not a sin, so I say why not feel it and listen to it and see what God has to tell me through it.
GMG posted this response to my comment:
The Church is clear that unwanted attraction is not a sin. But I am more afraid of the sin of complacency. When I feel attracted to a guy I try to understand what is going through my head... but not just to watch emotions and hormones take over. It's to better understand how to leverage the resources I have to help me fulfill my own personal goals and help others in their own lives.
I posted another comment in response to that, but I’m not sure if it will be posted yet since he moderates comments on his posts. I wish I had copied and pasted it somewhere because now it’s gone. Basically what I said though is that when I suggested that it might be OK to allow myself to feel the attraction that I didn’t necessarily mean that I should give myself over to hormonally lustful fantasies.
I experience the attraction as much more than just a physical thing. It’s also emotional and intellectual and even spiritual. I think some gay Mormon guys are too uncomfortable with or worried about the physical attraction surfacing that they also cut themselves off from feeling the other types of attractions (emotional, intellectual, spiritual) that are the basis for experiencing meaningful and healing connections and relationships with other men. Connections and relationships that are vital to growing into well integrated and emotionally healthy adulthood, whether your goal is a same sex relationship, opposite sex relationship or celibacy.
A few years ago, I decided to ignore what the church and its leaders were telling me about homosexuality. I decided to open myself up to the idea of seeking out and settling down in a long term relationship with another man. I also knew that I wasn’t emotionally ready for something like that so I decided to focus on becoming emotionally ready. I was kind of surprised at what happened. Opening up that space gave the attraction room to breathe. The space allowed the attraction to grow and change and mature beyond the gay adolescence that many closeted men get stuck in. Before it was mostly just physical and often all consuming. Now it it’s more full and nuanced. The emotional and intellectual and spiritual aspects of it have been allowed to show themselves and it doesn’t seem to be so all consuming.
To me, allowing myself to experience the attraction isn’t about complacency. It’s about experimenting on the word like I believe my Creator has asked me to do.
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I think when we hold on so tightly, or try so hard to not think about something, we are, in essence, giving that thing power over us. So much energy is going to keeping yourself in check that it isn’t going to be free to use elsewhere in our lives, and because of that we miss out on a lot.
ReplyDeleteI remember when I finally decided to come out. I was still in reparative therapy, and had a group meeting that week. When I walked in, one of the guys looked at me and started laughing. He said, “You fell, didn’t you.”
I was a little taken aback by his comment, but admitted that I had. He just looked at me and said, “I can read it all over you. Normally when you come in here you sit at the edge of your seat and look like a tightly wound top. Now you came in looking relaxed and in control.”
Since coming out I am no longer as stressed, I don’t get sick as often, I can remember things better, I can accomplish more in a day, I got better grades in school (while I was still in school), and the list goes on.
All the energy I was focusing on hiding the big giant pink gay elephant in the room with me was no longer necessary. Now that dang pink elephant works for me! ;)
So in other words, I think you are right. There is something to be said for embracing, allowing, and giving room for our attractions to breathe – and those qualities do not necessarily need to extend to our behavior. It just took the behavior FOR ME to realize how to deal.
JonJon:
ReplyDeleteI never got your second comment on my post. But I'm glad to hear your response. I don't have a ton of time to read blogs or anything these days... but I found a few minutes and found your post here. I agree that attraction isn't a bad thing, and that letting yourself learn to love others - emotionally and spiritually - is a good thing. I'm not afraid of being attracted to guys. But the only way I've been able to become the person I want to be... is by keeping guard even when all seems well.
Ha, thinking as I do, I believe "experimenting on the word" is just another way of describing a universal principle of...experiential learning. ;-)
ReplyDeleteAnd I have SO much to say in response to GMG's blog because SO much of it COMPLETELY resonates with me (stuff I thought long before I dared to write about it even in my private journal) that I don't even know where to begin to rehash a decade of personal exploration, growth, experience, etc, so I typically refuse to read his blog just to save myself the effort of holding back. Ha ha!
But I commented on his blog for the first time today. I did it anonymously because I don't think he'd approve it if people could easily click back to my very subversive blog. *wink* ...and I definitely copied and pasted it, thinking ahead.
Oh, and I've also been wanting to post about how the attraction changes as you mature and let it run its course and how I think that equates with JIM-dandies feeling like their attractions are no longer 'sexual' just because they're filtering their interpretation of that change differently...so much to blog about, so little time! ...so much to comment about, too, apparently.
*sheepishly reviewing the length of my comment and clicking 'Post Comment' anyway*
...and now sheepishly realizing, when asked for the confirmation word, that GMG has commented since I started writing my comment, and I am therefore speaking of him in the third person to his face...hi, GMG...
*awkward pause as I avoid eye contact while clicking 'Post Comment' again*
O-Mo, I love that you express exactly what's going through your head. :)
ReplyDeleteYes, I think GMG posts a lot of good stuff and most of it would have really resonated with me back in the day, but it doesn't as much with where I'm at these days.
I've wondered the same thing about "JIM-dandies" or those who go the reparative therapy route. I've wondered if the change people say they experience isn't a maturation of the attraction so that it becomes something that isn't hyper-sexualized, but more within "normal" realms of sexual attraction.
So it gets to the point that it isn't all consuming and gets to the point that they are able to have "relations" with women and call it good. If that's the case and that's what they want and are able to do, and their potential wives are in the know and want to give it shot, then go right ahead.
I just don't know that it would be something that I'd want for myself.
Also, I love that you call your blog "subversive". You are dangerous. Very, very dangerous.
Also, Gay Saint, I love that the guy was able to tell that you fell just by looking at you. Some people are incredibly perceptive.
ReplyDeleteGMG, I'm glad you have opened yourself up to the blogging experience and that you're having the experience you're having and are open to dialogue. You are a good (guy). :)
So when do you open your counseling practice?
ReplyDeleteThe counseling practice opens only after I take care of your flies, Mandi. That's my top priority.
ReplyDeletejon you are awesome and i am happy to get to come home and eat burgerville with you again :)
ReplyDeletei think whats interesting is that so very often we are encouraged to "experiment upon the word", but sometimes the product of that experiment comes out differntly that others expect. we all have differnt lives and differnt plans and are differnt people. and for some people, that you, or i, or i dunno angelina jolie, has a differnt plan or might be supposed to follow the word in a differnt way is hard. its uncomfortable and outside of the comfort zone. but like you said when we open our selves up instead of shutting down we become more open to those realtionships, and maybe we can even begin to understand the word as it relates to others in their lives, and thus the entirety of it. because just understanding something as it relates to us doesnt me we really understand it.
Will you go see Burlesque with me? (Mikeal and I both looked at each other and said, "Jon Jon" when we watched the preview.)
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how I feel about me being the first person you two thought of after watching the Burlesque preview.
ReplyDeleteJust feel flattered, get your garter on and let's shake it!
ReplyDeleteJon... my favorite part about your post is the discussion about the different types of attraction. I wish people would put more emphasis on that in every relationship whether it be heterosexual or homosexual, because that is the attraction that will stick with you the longest. At least by my experience those are the relationships that stick with me, and that I learned the most from.
ReplyDeleteamen brother. come from a place of love, hope, and trust and be open to the abundance of goodness that awaits. sexual orientation is not just about eroticism, it's about who one falls in love with and becomes a whole happy person with. shutting oneself off to one of the many aspects of that love can in effect retard their progress in all others and even bleed into the rest of their life until they don't even trust their most basic and pure instincts. that's just not healthy.
ReplyDeleteI dig this.
ReplyDelete