thoughts on dating

A few months ago I posted about wanting to venture into the vulnerable world of dating.  Before that, I'd said I was open to it, but had never really made any conscientious effort to pursue it.  I signed up for OKCupid (ugh) and have been on a handful of dates since then.  It's been an interesting experiment.  I don't know that I've particularly enjoyed it. 

I got really excited about the first guy I met in person from the site.  I actually got fairly lucky.  He was incredibly attractive and bright and witty.  We went out a few times and I started to realize I was doing that thing where you create something wonderful out of nothing.  I think it's a common trap of the inexperienced or the person who is more infatuated with the idea of relationship than actually being in a relationship, a relationship where the other person is seen for and allowed to be who they actually are for better or for worse.

So after the third date, I came away realizing that I really wasn't excited about spending any more time with him.  I mean I wanted to be excited about it, but I wasn't.  So I figured I'd just leave it up to him to make any next move to get together.  I'm pretty sure he felt the same way; I haven't heard from him. 

Other than that, I've been on a few dates here and there and chatted with a couple guys online, but nothing that has materialized into anything as of yet.  To be honest, I have a hard time imagining myself in a long term relationship with another human being.  Maybe it's because I've been single for so long and have never really been in any kind of healthy, long term relationship with someone where there was mutual attraction. 

I often wonder why I never got even close to getting married.  I'm kind of amazed at guys who have.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't even get close.  That makes it sound like I regret that I didn't get married and admire those who did and that's not really true.  I'm frequently grateful that I didn't jump into marriage before I realized what I would be getting myself into, for my sake and hers.  I guess sometimes I wonder why I couldn't ever get close.  The desire was there and I went on lots of dates and I wasn't all that self aware at the time, but I guess I just couldn't pretend deeply enough, or for a length of time that would get me anywhere near marriage. 

Maybe that's it.  I'm not good at pretending in relationships, which could be partly why I haven't particularly enjoyed my brief (so far) foray into dating dudes.  To me, it seems kind of silly to specifically look for someone to date.  It seems too contrived and weird, and maybe I feel that way because of my background in Mormon dating where there is so much weight and meaning behind a date.  So then of course it seems weird and contrived.  Honestly though, I'd much rather go about my business, engaging in my normal social intereactions and have a relationship develop naturally and organically out of an existing friendship.  I figure if I meet someone doing what I enjoy doing or with people whose company I enjoy, the odds of meeting someone I am compatible with increase.  (Instead of meeting a complete stranger based on what they've chosen to portray about themselves online.)  I guess I just haven't had much success with the former organic approach and so I decided to try the latter, more contrived approach.

I don't actually spend a whole lot of time thinking or worrying about this, which is probably evident in my half hearted/assed attempts at dating.  At this point, being single can feel comfy and cozy at times.  But ultimately, there is that simmering desire - albeit sometimes in the background - to share my life and self with someone and have him share his life and self with me.

Oh.  I realize this made the rounds on the interwebz a while back, but I rediscovered it today and I really do enjoy it. 


Thought of You from Ryan J Woodward on Vimeo.