I love this article from the New York Times about pathological altruism. It reminds me of when I was first called as the ward mission leader in my young single adult ward. I wasn't too stoked about the calling because I've never been too stoked about missionary work. If someone approaches me with questions about Mormonism, I'm happy to answer them, but I realize that sometimes it's just an intellectual pursuit on the part of the other person and not necessarily someone shopping for a new religion. People at work often come to me with their questions about Mormonism because they know I won't consequently try to get them to come to church with me, and they know I won't be offended by their questions. They also know that I'll be honest with them about things the church does or has done that I don't agree with.
Anyway, when I was called as ward mission leader, there were two girls who were baptized right around the same time. The elders were really gunning for a baptism and sort of pushed things through before the girls knew what they were committing to. They never came back to church after getting baptized.
There was a concerted effort to bring them back. Phone calls and texts were made, treats were delivered, surprise visits were made. They still didn't come back. At a ward missionary correlation meeting (or whatever they're called) I suggested that maybe we should just leave them alone. In the real world, if I try to pursue a relationship with another person, be it romantic, platonic or otherwise, if I don't get any kind of a response from the other person (if they seem to be avoiding me), I figure they need some space and I back off. I couldn't understand why the same shouldn't apply to these girls. My suggestion wasn't very well received.
The article I linked to calls it selflessness run amok. I think it's more like selfishness masquerading as selflessness. We are certain that what we are doing is in the person's best interests, but we fail to stop and consider how much of what we are doing is to benefit ourselves rather then the person we think we're helping. Sometimes we're trying to assuage our own guilt, or avoid facing our own doubts, or take your pick of any number of ulterior motives. The tricky part is that we're not always conscious of our motives. We can be very good at deceiving ourselves about what our true motives are.
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Interesting...thank you for the thoughts.
ReplyDeleteremember when we were ward missionaries together? i kind of realized that whole selfishness disguised as selflessness thing then too, and that sometimes people need space. i really did not enjoy that calling, but it was good for me i think, in just my process of making my own choices later :)
ReplyDeleteAmen.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this post Jon, and the reference to the NYT piece. If a discussion of "selfishness masquerading as selflessness" was part of every church leadership or planning meeting, it would completely transform the way the church functions. If I only I were optimistic about that possibility.
OMGAGA, Jon,
ReplyDeleteI read the alternative post on the NYTimes yesterday about mirror neurons and altruism and the foolishness of it made me barf. I saw this article in the side bar and was very impressed with what they said.
I would agree with you and Paul. Carry on--I heart this blog.
YES. I've actually thought about this in terms of being a pride/faith issue. In my head, I've labeled it as "wanting-to-save-the-world-itis," and it's something I have to check myself on, especially in my teacher life. Sometimes, we're all so sure that we know the answers, and we so badly want to be that special person that "saves" that kid, that person, that friend, that lost soul, whatever. It can stem from all sorts of motives, many of them extremely well-intentioned. It can come from perfectly sincere love and unselfish concern for the other person.
ReplyDeleteReally, it's a fine line, because there's nothing wrong with loving somebody, and being concerned about them, and wanting the best (however you define "the best") for them. There's nothing wrong with being open and willing to be an instrument in God's hands to do some good in the world and for the people around you.
But then there's taking it too far! Sometimes, I'm NOT going to be that pivotal person that triggers major life change, for better or for worse. And whether their choices take them down a road that makes them happy or not, why kind of pride is it for me to assume that I know better? That I need to save them from themselves? If I'm the loving, caring friend/teacher/whatever that I claim to be, then I should trust that person to navigate their own journey through life. If I'm the faithful Mormon/Christian that I claim to be, then I should trust that God loves them just as much as--more than--I do, and will continue looking out for them and blessing them better than I can.
None of us need to put the pressure on ourselves, and act like we're someone else's last hope and chance at happiness/success/faith/whatever. We never are, and it's prideful to think so. We need to have more faith in God and more faith in our fellow man than that. If we just relax and love more openly, freely, and authentically, we'll probably end up having more influence for good anyway.
(Sorry... Processing thoughts through my typing fingers again... Always leads to wordiness!)