going to church with my boyfriend

Last night, the choir I sing with put on a concert at the First Congregational United Church of Christ in Portland (pictured above).  After the concert, Ryan and I decided it would be interesting to attend Sunday services.  A big part of the reason for me wanting to attend is that it's a gorgeous church with a fantastic organ and beautiful stained glass windows.  I kind of wish Mormon churches weren't so cookie cutter and utilitarian.  There's something about worshiping in a beautiful space that's so much more appealing to me.  Another reason for wanting to attend is that it's a progressive Christian church and is up front in its messaging about being LGBT friendly.  As I've thought about it, it's interesting (read: sad) that churches need to specify that they are welcoming to diversity.  I'm sure the LDS church would say that it also welcomes diversity, but maybe doesn't realize how some of their actions/messaging speak louder to the contrary.

I haven't really attended many other church services in my life.  I went to a Catholic funeral in high school and I went to maybe one or two evangelical church services on my mission in Brazil, but that's about it.  Possibly one of the my favorite parts of the service was singing happy birthday to Agnes, who turned 95 today.  Agnes was beaming and held up both hands and waved at everyone.  Completely precious.  The music was also so much better.  Having a professional play a real organ with guest musicians playing Vivaldi and Dvorak in a string quartet didn't hurt.  It was also nice that any time politics crept into the shared messages, it was politics that I agreed with.  I'm used to cringing or bracing myself any time politics comes up in talks or lessons at church.  It was also just nice to be at church with my boyfriend.  My (Mormon) bishop has told me that Ryan is welcome to come to church with me, which is nice, but there's something about the idea of being there with him and knowing that many or most of my fellow ward members would consider the relationship inherently broken, unhealthy or sinful that doesn't sound appealing.  It was nice to be with him in a church setting that sees the relationship as just as good and healthy as any other relationship.

I suppose it sounds like I'm ready to ditch Mormonism for the UCC.  I wouldn't say that.  There is some bizarre (and perhaps masochistic) part of myself that enjoys swimming upstream in Mormonism.  I also think there is some richness and mystery to Mormon theology that isn't present elsewhere.  I guess my approach to truth could be summed up in the following excerpt from one of Joseph Smith's sermons: "Have the Presbyterians any truth?  Embrace that.  Have the Baptists, Methodists and so forth?  Embrace that.  Get all the good in the world, and you will come out a pure Mormon."

home

"A strong community helps people develop a sense of true self, for only in community can the self exercise and fulfill its nature: giving and taking, listening and speaking, being and doing. But when community unravels and we lose touch with one another, the self atrophies and we lose touch with ourselves as well. Lacking opportunities to be ourselves in a web of relationships, our sense of self disappears, leading to behaviors that further fragment our relationships and spread the epidemic of inner emptiness." -Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness

It's not uncommon for people to ask me why I still go to church (As though I even understand all the reasons. I like the question though because it causes me to revisit and rethink). I think this quote explains in part why I go. 

I realize that it's possible to find a "web of relationships" in a multitude if places that challenges me and causes me to grow and develop, but in the church I'm able to find a web that helps me wrestle with things that are important to me: my spiritual life, the growth and development of my soul, the connection between my mortal existence and whatever is out there that tells me what more there is to me than just a collection of skin and bones. 

Again, I could probably find those opportunities elsewhere but I suppose it all comes down to the fact that Mormonism has formed my foundation and so in spite of its annoying cultural eccentricities, it still feels like home.

relationships as a mirror

The benefit of having a blog that is at times a journal is being able to go back and see snapshots of where I’ve been. About a year and a half ago I wrote a post about how I decided that I wanted to go to vulnerable places. Based on limited experiences I’d had being in a relationship with serious romantic undertones (it was a romantic relationship but it wasn’t because I wasn’t allowing myself to have those), I knew how much I’d learned from it and I knew that even though there was a lot of pain involved, I wanted to do it some more. I said, “Based on my limited experience, being in an intimate relationship with someone you are completely attracted to stirs up insecurities like nothing else can. It takes you to the most vulnerable of places and provides opportunities to learn about yourself and grow as a result, in a way that nothing else can. I want to go there.”


And I did! Five months to the day that I wrote that post, I told a cute guy with big brown eyes that I liked him and he said he liked me and we decided to give it a shot. In another post (which I won’t link to because it’s one of those posts that you write when you’re in love and then are kind of embarrassed about it after the fact), I said the relationship was liking walking into a dimly lit room and having a vague sense that the room is beautiful but it’s confirmed as the sun rises and light floods the room. (Give me a break, I was trying to explain what I was experiencing and it was all fairly new to me.)

Anyway, the relationship over the better part of the last year has been fairly easy, to the point that I half wondered if a good relationship wouldn’t include vulnerable places. (HA!) Probably part of the ease was because we’re both really nice guys who tend avoid confronting difficulties or tensions that arise in a relationship. Not that we ignored them altogether. It’s just that we’re both kind of new at this and we probably weren’t giving them the attention they needed. And now after a year we’re more comfortable, or see the need, to push back and stake out our individual places within the relationship, and address aspects of the relationship that we feel need addressing.

Enter, for me, the vulnerable places. I think Eugene England once compared relationships to a mirror. I couldn’t find what he said exactly, and to be honest, I’m pretty sure he wasn’t the first or the last to make that comparison, but that idea resonates with me. Being in close relationship with someone to whom you are wholly attracted and with whom you are honest, has a way of teasing out insecurities and unresolved issues. A year and a half ago I asked for vulnerable places, and I got them.

Fortunately for me, I have a team of a handful of ladies who have much more experience than I do to consult with, my Relationship Board of Directors, as my friend KaRyn once called her own team of consultants. These are ladies who listen and ask questions and send me Walt Whitman poems and generally get me back to home base. They help me remember that these issues aren’t best approached with fear but with mindfulness and awareness of and patience with what I’m experiencing.

the result of being big in a place of tension

I believe that when we keep in mind the ideas espoused in the following quotes, constructive conversations like this can happen.

"By size I mean the stature of your soul, the range and depth of your love, your capacity for relationships.  I mean the volume of life you can take into your being and still maintain your integrity and individuality, the intensity and variety of outlook you can entertain in the unity of your being without feeling defensive or insecure.  I mean the strength of your spirit to encourage others to become freer in the development of their diversity  and uniqueness.  I mean the power to sustain more complex and enriching tensions.  I mean the magnanimity of concern to provide conditions that enable others to increase in stature." - Bernard Loomer

"From international relations to what goes on in the workplace to raising a teenager, we find ourselves living between reality and possibility, between what is and what could and should be.  But if we are willing actively to "hang in there" with a country, a colleague, or a child - holding the unresolved tension between reality and possibility and inviting something new into being - we have a chance to participate in the evolution of a better reality.  Standing in the gap is challenging, but the alternatives are irresponsible.  One is to fall out on the side of too much reality and into corrosive cynicism.  The other is to fall out on the side of too much possibility and into irrelevant idealism.  Both take us out of the action.  But if we are willing to stand between the poles, refusing to fallout, we have a chance to play a life-giving role in the development of a new child, a work-place, or a world that needs to grow into "the better angels of our nature." - Parker Palmer

Confronting What We Don't Know

Have you ever stopped to consider the enormity of what you don’t know?  Or what about the things that you don’t even know you don’t know?  Overwhelming, right?  There’s a certain amount of comfort that comes with believing I know much more than I actually do, in being able to wrap difficult and complex issues up into neat and tidy little packages.  Our minds often tend to gravitate away from ambiguity and towards resolution.  What happens though, when we move towards resolution too quickly, before we’ve allowed ourselves to more fully explore something?  What truths do we end up missing out on by not remaining suspended in a space filled with the tension of two opposing ideas, not knowing, asking questions, as opposed to immediately gravitating towards one side, towards resolution?  And how can a failure to patiently hold and consider the tension of two opposing ideas lead to breakdowns in conversations with those who see things differently?

Historian James Harvey Robinson said, “Partisanship is our great curse.  We too readily assume that everything has two sides and that it is our duty to be on one or the other.”  What happens if instead we allow ourselves to remain suspended between perceived sides, drinking in what good we are able to find in each one?  What if we approach our conversations with others less like a zero sum game of winner takes all and more like a process of discovery?  How can our mutual willingness to question and explore together rather than merely state our opinions as facts lead to greater truth and understanding?

Dieter Uchtdorf of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints expressed the value of this questioning and exploratory state in a talk he gave at a recent leadership training conference:

Brothers and sisters, as good as our previous experience may be, if we stop asking questions, stop thinking, stop pondering, we can thwart the revelations of the Spirit.  Remember, it was the questions young Joseph asked that opened the door for the restoration of all things.  We can block the growth and knowledge our Heavenly Father intends for us.  How often has the Holy Spirit tried to tell us something we needed to know but couldn’t get past the massive iron gate of what we thought we already knew?

In a recent post, I made brief mention of some scriptures in the Doctrine and Covenants about studying things out in our minds and also about not being compelled in all things, but acting.  I talked about how we have to proactively go out on our own spiritual journeys, much like Joseph Smith did, and seek truth.

It occurs to me again and again that the reconciliation of homosexuality with spirituality and our conversations about that process is one of many areas that could benefit from an approach of openness, patience, humility, courage and thoughtfulness that comes through in the scriptures and quotes I’ve mentioned above.  Taylor Petrey is someone who has contributed in such a way to this reconciliation conversation and process.  Petrey is assistant professor of religion at Kalamazoo College and recently gave the keynote address at the Compassionate Cause symposium that was held last month at the University of Washington.

In his keynote address, Petrey laid out a pretty thorough exploration of the LDS Church’s approach to and perception of homosexuality throughout its history, with a more specific focus on the past 50 to 60 years.  His remarks seemed important to me because I think we often assume that current attitudes and approaches are as they always have been.  We too easily forget where we’ve been, how that has contributed to wounds and divides that exist today and how we’ve evolved.  Historical context is important to more fully understand what we’re faced with today as we study these things out in our minds.  You can read his remarks, or if you’re more the type that likes to watch and listen, you can do that here. (Or you can knock yourself out and do all of the above at the same time!)

Petrey also wrote a very thoughtful paper for the Winter 2011 edition of Dialogue: A Journal of Mormon Thoughtentitled “Toward a Post-Heterosexual Mormon Theology.”  As he says at the beginning of the paper, it’s meant to be a thought experiment and not a statement of church doctrine or even a suggestion of what church doctrine should be.  As I was reading it, it felt very much like he was loosening and tilling the hardened soil of what we think we know about not just sexuality, but also about gender, gender roles, procreation, the purpose of relationships, etc.  Sometimes we project the way we experience our mortal lives onto the heavens and eternity, instead of seeking to inform and enrich our mortal experiences with instruction from heaven or the divine.

We live in a fallen world, don’t we?  Is it possible that we don’t understand all there is to know about gender and its eternal role?  Is how we experience attraction in our limited physical bodies an accurate representation of how we’ll experience it as glorified and perfected celestial beings?  And what role will that play in how we experience relationships with others?  What physical characteristics will follow us to the next life?  Will women be in a constant cycle of gestating spiritual baby after spiritual baby every nine months?  To how many women does that sound appealing?

As you can see, the questions begin to mount.  I know, I know, just put them on a shelf and trust in God.  How long is that a viable and effective strategy though?  What are we missing out on by not allowing ourselves to wrestle with these questions?  Can we expect God to just hand us the answers if we’re not willing to wrestle with these questions ourselves and together?

Again, if you’re more of the listening type as opposed to the reading type, you can also listen to a discussion of Petrey’s paper on this podcast from Mormon Matters.  The host, Don Wotherspoon, moderates a discussion of the paper with Petrey and Kristine Haglund, Dialogue editor.

This excerpt from a recent press release from the LDS Newsroom also sums up beautifully how we can not only benefit from exploring and wrestling with the realities faced by those who are gay and Mormon, but also how it is incumbent upon us to do so:

Mormons welcome truth from whatever source and take the pragmatic view that where religion and science seem to clash, it is simply because there are insufficient data to reconcile the two. Latter-day Saints approach such tensions as challenges to learn, not contradictions to avoid.

This productive tension can enrich both mind and heart. All understanding, whether spiritual or rational, is worked out in constant questioning and discovery. The Prophet Joseph Smith said, “By proving contraries, truth is made manifest.”  Latter-day Saints do not expect God to simply hand down information. He expects us to wrestle with the complications of life through prayerful searching and sound thinking. “You must study it out in your mind,” Mormon scripture teaches, and then answers will come. This pattern of inquiry opens Mormons to expanding spiritual possibilities.

I’m convinced that there is more knowledge and understanding to be had with regards to these important topics that will come to us if we will allow ourselves to sit with the seemingly dissonant identities of being gay and being Mormon.  If we sit with the tension with a spirit of humility and curiosity, instead of jumping quickly to conclusions, I believe our conversations will improve and the knowledge and understanding will begin to flow more easily.  We just need to be willing to thoughtfully hold and listen to our own as well as each other’s stories and experiences and carefully explore and talk about the reconciliation between sexuality and spirituality with open hearts, well tilled soil and iron gates thrown wide open.

a trailer and a fundraiser

We now have a trailer for Far Between.  As stated in the trailer, "Ultimately this film isn't just for homosexual Mormons, it's not about preaching to the choir or the converted, it's for anyone who feels like their life circumstances don't perfectly reconcile with their religious aspirations."  I believe everyone can benefit from exploring the questions that the film explores.  We all benefit by concerning ourselves with the questions, doubts, concerns, and uncomfortable realities of those around us. 

Through more than a year of interviews and research, we've covered our costs primarily through self-financing and donated time. To help finance this documentary that we believe will legitimately contribute to the conversation about the experience of being homosexual and Mormon, we've initiated a 40-day fundraising drive with a goal of raising $75,000 to pay for the next phase. Please donate as much as you are able to help bring this conversation to as many people as possible.

you guys, AC360 is gay

It's interesting to see the way that Anderson Cooper has chosen to come out as gay.  As Andrew Sullivan tells it, he and Anderson were having an email exchange about how celebrities are coming out these days, that it isn't as newsworthy as it once was and it's done in more of a muted, subdued fashion.  As a matter of fact, Anderson gave Andrew permission to publish Anderson's email in his column at The Daily Beast, in essence officially "coming out."  I don't think it was really a surprise to most.  I think most people knew that he had a boyfriend, right?  Or maybe it's just gay men who have crushes from afar and watch him get spray tans with Snooki or watch AC360 clips of him giggling over and over again who knew it?  If you were genuinely surprised to hear that he was gay, you should comment and say so.  I'm curious if anyone was surprised.  (I also realize that it's entirely possible that you haven't even really thought about it at all and don't care whether Anderson Cooper is gay.) 

I do like to see the shift in how people are coming out and how it's received by the public.  I like that it is becoming less newsworthy.  I remember when I first came out.  If I told anyone at all, it involved a very lengthy and dramatic conversation that clarified that even though I felt that way, I was going to fix it so everything would be ok.  And I never used the word gay.

It was interesting to see how that shifted as I started coming out in the young single adult ward (congregation) I attended up until a year and a half ago.  I remember coming out to my friend Courtney.  She had just recently moved to Portland and started attending the YSA ward.  She brought me an easter treat and I invited her in and we sat on my couch and talked and in the course of the conversation I told her I was gay.  I remember feeling so proud of myself because it wasn't something that I had planned to do (I usually knew well in advance when I was going to tell people and exactly how I was going to tell them.)  It just happened in the normal flow of the conversation and it felt good.

For the most part now, it just comes out in casual conversation.  Or as casual as the conversation can be when someone in your ward introduces himself and then insists repeatedly on setting you up with a woman he knows. 

safety not guaranteed

I saw this movie last night and really liked it.  It's got a fantastically creative story with some great writing and really great characters.





Unfortunately for you though, when you see it you probably won't have the added bonus of having Ryan sitting next to you and giggling every time the guy in the back seat so much as appears on screen.

far between has a blog!

The Far Between website now has a blog which will have new posts each week.  I will be contributing regularly to the blog, as will a handful of other people who are all thoughtful, articulate humans.  The following is from the introductory post for the blog:

Throughout the process of creating Far Between, it's been apparent that the tone of conversations about the experience of being homosexual and Mormon greatly affects how people view themselves and respond to their situations.  As part of Far Between's effort to engage more constructive and helpful conversations, the Far Between Blog is not only a source of project updates and opportunities but a place to share examples of conversations and lessons learned.

Blog authors will share experiences and thoughts from internal, interpersonal, and community conversations around homosexuality and Mormonism.  Weekly posts will include narration, deconstruction, and results from their own introspection, interpersonal conversations, and public discussions such as news media and panel forums.

In addition to sharing your own stories, we invite readers to join us in practicing empathy-centered conversation by subscribing to Far Between, reading and commenting on new blog posts every week, and joining or starting conversatinos in your respective communities, whether online or geographical. 

We see individuals and organizations increasingly engaging and changing environments and lives for the better.  We offer the Far Between blog as one way you can join in filling the gulf many feel between the conceptions or experiences around homosexuality and Mormonism with constructive love and compassionate communication.

My first post is up!  Come read and comment and participate in the conversation.

let's talk about you and me

I recently read a response to Josh Weed's story at Single Dad Laughing.  Dan Pearce, the author of SDL, also wrote a post called I'm Christian Unless You're Gay that made the rounds on the interwebz a while back.  I've only read these two posts on this blog, but from what I've read, Dan seems pretty thoughtful and articulate.  For me, the most powerful part of the post is the first half or so where he talks about his own experience of questioning his own sexuality.  You should read at least that much. 

Long story short though, through the course of two marriages that ended in divorce with awkward physical intimacy with both wives, Dan thought he might be gay or asexual.  He mostly thought he was asexual because sex wasn't that great with his wives, but he also wasn't turned on by men.  Also, he had several people who were close to him ask him if he was gay.  He signed up for a dating site, probably partially as an experiment, and looked at and contacted both men and women on the site.  Long story short (again), he noticed and listened to his reactions to his online interactions.  Here's how he describes it:

I sent some emails to both women and men. And every time I'd get a reply from a pretty girl, I'd get all excited.  Yet every time I got a reply from a guy (no matter how attractive he was), it felt unnatural and uncomfortable to me.  At one point, one of the guys wrote back and said something about loving to kiss and snuggle; and that felt so intrusive to my core sexuality that I couldn't even permit myself to mentally go there.  That's when I realized...Dan...you're as straight as a balance beam.

Read the first half of the post to get a better sense for how much he questioned his sexuality.  That isn't the point of my post.  The point of my post is this: it is so rare (and therefore so refreshing when it does happen) to hear someone talk so openly and honestly about their sexuality and the questions they've entertained about their sexuality.  I believe that it is through us being open and honest with our own experience of sexuality and piecing our experiences respectfully together with the experiences of others (especially when the stories of others seem to threaten or contradict our own), that we will begin to understand the nature of our attractions and what they are and the role they play in our eternal selves and why there is such a variety of ways that people experience attraction.  (Which is why I think Far Between is such an important project)

I get why people tell their stories in absolutes or in hyperbolized or exaggerated ways.  It feels much safer to stake our tent far away the stories of those with whom we disagree.  "Josh Weed's story is not my own.  He's delusional and here's why."  "The hedonistic ways of those who live the gay lifestyle support the idea that same sex relationships are inherently unhealthy and sinful."  We paint our own story in stark contrast to that of others through the use of stereotypes and hyperbole.  It feels much safer to put the "other" on the the other side of town instead of considering how Josh Weed or Dan Savage might have something interesting to contribute to how I understand my own experience, even if I might disagree with some or even a lot of what they say.

The other reason I liked Dan's recounting of questioning his sexuality is because I could relate to it.  I remember distinct experiences where I tried to pay attention to what I was feeling towards women in very specific instances to detect if there was any hint of physical attraction.  I remember early on, shortly after I moved to Portland, having something like a crush on a girl in the young single adult ward (or congregation if you're not Mormon).  She seemed pretty strong and independent and vocal with her opinions.  She also seemed to have a pretty good sense of humor.  I remember hanging out in somebody's bedroom with her and a few other people at an Oscar's viewing party, feeling very attracted to who she was and convincing myself that there was also a physical attraction. 

I started dating her shortly after that.  I quickly learned that being attracted to who she was not the same as being fully attracted to her.  With her and with all the women I dated, it wasn't just that the physical side of the relationships wasn't fulfilling to me.  I was completely repulsed by it.  I remember wondering how long I would have to kiss to be convincing enough.  It took a toll on me and I know it took a toll on the women I dated as well.  About six or seven years ago is when I decided to stop dating women.  Ever since then though, I'll occassionally engage in thought experiments much like what Dan describes in his post. 

A few years ago, I remember watching the Oscars with my friend K.  (Ha!  What is it with me questioning my sexuality during the Oscars??)  I am attracted to K in about every way possible.  I remember sitting next to her on the couch and having a thought experiement, wondering if there was anything more there.  I felt the same thing.  It just felt gross.  The same feeling I'd get if you asked me to make out with one of my sisters.  (Ok, maybe that's a double gross)  I've come to realize that for me, the gross factor is such that it would be highly irresonsible of me to try and pursue a romantic relationship and a marriage with a woman. 

Another thing I've noticed while reading Dan's response to Josh Weed's story is that there seems to be an odd discussion of/fascination with numbers.  Number of mixed orientation marriages (MOM's) that fail versus the number that succeed.  "There are tens of thousands of MOM's that fail and this is proof that they are bad and shouldn't be entered into" or "well there are lots and lots of MOM's that succeed that people don't know about because those people quietly go about their lives and don't talk about it."  It's as though the final verdict of whether MOM's are good or not rests on how many couples stay together versus how many end up divorced.  To me, it doesn't matter how many of either there are.  I'm more interested in gleaning from each individual story what I can to help me understand my own experience and give me some insight for carving out a story the works for me and helps me discover and live my own potential.