Monday, October 17, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
my personal epiphany, my revelation
Tuesday was National Coming Out Day. I haven't been one to make grand sweeping announcements about my sexuality, probably because my experience of coming to terms with my sexuality in the context of my spiritual identity has been a sacred one. I knew early on, probably mostly subconsciously, that not everyone would appreciate my reasons for accepting and embracing my experience of attraction or my reasons for sharing my truth with others, so at first I only shared with those I loved and trusted. I think subconsciously I knew I needed to be able to gradually metabolize what I was experiencing in a safe space, cultivating my own comfort and confidence in self, before sharing my experience of who I am with more than just a safe and close circle of friends and family.
As I stated earlier, that process has been a sacred one. The amount of love and spirit that has flowed into my life as a result of opening myself up to others has been completely life altering in unexpected ways. I experienced a lot of fear and self doubt, disconnect from self and others and from God as a result of keeping myself safely concealed in a dark and isolated closet. I experience my attraction to men as a very real and natural part of myself, certainly not something I chose. In trying to shut down that part of myself, I didn't realize how much I was disconnecting myself from...myself. I learned early on not to trust my feelings or my instincts because I quickly observed from the culture I grew up in that what I did feel wasn't appropriate. It quickly became very easy to start doubting any other feelings or instincts I had, and that's where the disconnect from self began.
From there the disconnect spreads from relationship with self to relationships with others. Life becomes a game of not letting anyone get too close, for fear that they'll discover the secret. If you're really determined to keep the secret, you distance yourself from anything you might naturally find enjoyment in for fear of it being percieved as "too gay". No one is able to know the real you because you've become so disconnected from yourself that you don't even know the real you.
The disconnect from self and from others naturally leads to a disconnect from the spirit or whatever you find speaks truth to your soul. I believe my relationship with my Father in Heaven is heavily informed by the quality of my relationships with those around me. Feeling a detachment from self and others naturally leads to feeling a detachment from God and from truth.
So I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise that when I decided to acknowledge and accept and embrace the truth of my existence and lean into the dissonance, that I would feel more connected to self. More connected to friends and family. More connected to the beautiful gift of personal revelation. That incredible gift that helps me understand who I am and what I'm capable of. The truth is though, that outpouring of the spirit is the opposite of what I expected. The irony is that I was actually already experiencing the worst case scenario that I thought would follow if I accepted and embraced my sexuality as a God given part of me. I was already living what I was afraid of. A disconnect from the divine. Little did I know of the beauty and love, resonance and rhythm that would flow into my life as a result of embracing what I feared.
The real beauty of my experience is that it isn't just my own and it certainly doesn't just belong to the homosexual. It's a narrative that belongs to all of us. As Jay Michealson quotes Olive Elaine Hannant and Chris Glaser in this absolutely beautiful piece from Religion Dispatches, "Coming out is a personal epiphany, a revelation" "a rite of vulnterability that reveals the sacred in our lives--our worth, our love, our lovemaking, our beloved, our community, our context of meaning, and our God."
As I stated earlier, that process has been a sacred one. The amount of love and spirit that has flowed into my life as a result of opening myself up to others has been completely life altering in unexpected ways. I experienced a lot of fear and self doubt, disconnect from self and others and from God as a result of keeping myself safely concealed in a dark and isolated closet. I experience my attraction to men as a very real and natural part of myself, certainly not something I chose. In trying to shut down that part of myself, I didn't realize how much I was disconnecting myself from...myself. I learned early on not to trust my feelings or my instincts because I quickly observed from the culture I grew up in that what I did feel wasn't appropriate. It quickly became very easy to start doubting any other feelings or instincts I had, and that's where the disconnect from self began.
From there the disconnect spreads from relationship with self to relationships with others. Life becomes a game of not letting anyone get too close, for fear that they'll discover the secret. If you're really determined to keep the secret, you distance yourself from anything you might naturally find enjoyment in for fear of it being percieved as "too gay". No one is able to know the real you because you've become so disconnected from yourself that you don't even know the real you.
The disconnect from self and from others naturally leads to a disconnect from the spirit or whatever you find speaks truth to your soul. I believe my relationship with my Father in Heaven is heavily informed by the quality of my relationships with those around me. Feeling a detachment from self and others naturally leads to feeling a detachment from God and from truth.
So I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise that when I decided to acknowledge and accept and embrace the truth of my existence and lean into the dissonance, that I would feel more connected to self. More connected to friends and family. More connected to the beautiful gift of personal revelation. That incredible gift that helps me understand who I am and what I'm capable of. The truth is though, that outpouring of the spirit is the opposite of what I expected. The irony is that I was actually already experiencing the worst case scenario that I thought would follow if I accepted and embraced my sexuality as a God given part of me. I was already living what I was afraid of. A disconnect from the divine. Little did I know of the beauty and love, resonance and rhythm that would flow into my life as a result of embracing what I feared.
The real beauty of my experience is that it isn't just my own and it certainly doesn't just belong to the homosexual. It's a narrative that belongs to all of us. As Jay Michealson quotes Olive Elaine Hannant and Chris Glaser in this absolutely beautiful piece from Religion Dispatches, "Coming out is a personal epiphany, a revelation" "a rite of vulnterability that reveals the sacred in our lives--our worth, our love, our lovemaking, our beloved, our community, our context of meaning, and our God."
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
pathological altruism
I love this article from the New York Times about pathological altruism. It reminds me of when I was first called as the ward mission leader in my young single adult ward. I wasn't too stoked about the calling because I've never been too stoked about missionary work. If someone approaches me with questions about Mormonism, I'm happy to answer them, but I realize that sometimes it's just an intellectual pursuit on the part of the other person and not necessarily someone shopping for a new religion. People at work often come to me with their questions about Mormonism because they know I won't consequently try to get them to come to church with me, and they know I won't be offended by their questions. They also know that I'll be honest with them about things the church does or has done that I don't agree with.
Anyway, when I was called as ward mission leader, there were two girls who were baptized right around the same time. The elders were really gunning for a baptism and sort of pushed things through before the girls knew what they were committing to. They never came back to church after getting baptized.
There was a concerted effort to bring them back. Phone calls and texts were made, treats were delivered, surprise visits were made. They still didn't come back. At a ward missionary correlation meeting (or whatever they're called) I suggested that maybe we should just leave them alone. In the real world, if I try to pursue a relationship with another person, be it romantic, platonic or otherwise, if I don't get any kind of a response from the other person (if they seem to be avoiding me), I figure they need some space and I back off. I couldn't understand why the same shouldn't apply to these girls. My suggestion wasn't very well received.
The article I linked to calls it selflessness run amok. I think it's more like selfishness masquerading as selflessness. We are certain that what we are doing is in the person's best interests, but we fail to stop and consider how much of what we are doing is to benefit ourselves rather then the person we think we're helping. Sometimes we're trying to assuage our own guilt, or avoid facing our own doubts, or take your pick of any number of ulterior motives. The tricky part is that we're not always conscious of our motives. We can be very good at deceiving ourselves about what our true motives are.
Anyway, when I was called as ward mission leader, there were two girls who were baptized right around the same time. The elders were really gunning for a baptism and sort of pushed things through before the girls knew what they were committing to. They never came back to church after getting baptized.
There was a concerted effort to bring them back. Phone calls and texts were made, treats were delivered, surprise visits were made. They still didn't come back. At a ward missionary correlation meeting (or whatever they're called) I suggested that maybe we should just leave them alone. In the real world, if I try to pursue a relationship with another person, be it romantic, platonic or otherwise, if I don't get any kind of a response from the other person (if they seem to be avoiding me), I figure they need some space and I back off. I couldn't understand why the same shouldn't apply to these girls. My suggestion wasn't very well received.
The article I linked to calls it selflessness run amok. I think it's more like selfishness masquerading as selflessness. We are certain that what we are doing is in the person's best interests, but we fail to stop and consider how much of what we are doing is to benefit ourselves rather then the person we think we're helping. Sometimes we're trying to assuage our own guilt, or avoid facing our own doubts, or take your pick of any number of ulterior motives. The tricky part is that we're not always conscious of our motives. We can be very good at deceiving ourselves about what our true motives are.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
how to shave your groin
This past weekend I was telling a coworker friend about this documentary:
I meant to email her the link to the above trailer, but I copied and pasted the wrong URL, and instead I sent her this:
She was obviously confused and responded to my email with "How to shave your groin??" I was embarrased for about two seconds and then I started laughing uncontrollably. I called to explain to her that I sent her the wrong link and had to leave her a message, but all she got in this voice mail was a bunch of laughing, wheezing and I think I even snorted once.
I had been watching the groin video just before I pulled up the Tabloid trailer because a friend had posted the following video on Facebook and you know that thing when you watch videos on Youtube and it recommends other videos and maybe it recommends one with a hot shirtless dude in the shower and so you click on it to watch it? That's what happened. And then with all these videos up, I grabbed the wrong one to send to my friend.
I meant to email her the link to the above trailer, but I copied and pasted the wrong URL, and instead I sent her this:
She was obviously confused and responded to my email with "How to shave your groin??" I was embarrased for about two seconds and then I started laughing uncontrollably. I called to explain to her that I sent her the wrong link and had to leave her a message, but all she got in this voice mail was a bunch of laughing, wheezing and I think I even snorted once.
I had been watching the groin video just before I pulled up the Tabloid trailer because a friend had posted the following video on Facebook and you know that thing when you watch videos on Youtube and it recommends other videos and maybe it recommends one with a hot shirtless dude in the shower and so you click on it to watch it? That's what happened. And then with all these videos up, I grabbed the wrong one to send to my friend.
Monday, September 12, 2011
discuss this
My friend Christina send me this article from The Atlantic and it got me thinking. I have to admit, I've never fully felt on board with the whole "born this way" as an argument for gay rights. My reservations have mostly come about because I think stating it that way simplifies sexuality into something binary - either you're gay or you're straight - and I don't think that's the way it works. I suppose that's why the letter Q seems to have found its way into the alphebet soup (LGBT) used to describe those who experience something other than pure heterosexuality (whatever that is). It makes me wonder what it would be like to have lived 100 years ago when these terms and labels and categories didn't really exist, at least not like they do today. It's nice be able to categorize and label things, but I think it's too often used as a tool to separate others who aren't like us and see them as less than. I think all these labels also serve to limit what we can understand about who we are and how we experience our sexuality.
The author of the article doesn't like the "born this way" argument because she believes that it shouldn't matter whether she was born that way or chose to pursue her attraction to women by having a same sex spouse. She says that to her, by using that argument, it sounds like we are saying that if I could, I would be different but I can't. In the end, it shouldn't matter if it's purely genetic or choice or some mix of things we don't yet understand. People should have the right to be with who they want to be with. I get that and I agree with her.
But then I also kind of groan inside, because she talks about how for her it has been a choice. She seems to experience a much greater degree of fluidity or flexibility in her attractions than I do. She says she has dated both men and women and has felt and can feel enough attraction to men that she could probably make marriage to a man work. My groaning comes because I think of the people who will read that who aren't able to see nuance, and who might project her experience onto others (like me) who don't experience the same degree of fluidity or flexibility and say, "See! It is a choice!"
I enjoyed her brief exploration into how a same sex marriage challenges traditional gender roles and how those roles operate in a heterosexual marriage. There are those who would identify this challenge as a threat to "traditional" marriage. I think that this challenge provides a helpful contrast though. I think the differences in the dynamics of a same sex marriage could challenge traditional gender roles in a helpful way that could actually strengthen heterosexual marriage. (As an sidenote, I think it's entertaining when people feel the need to identify who is the man and who is the woman in same sex relationships.)
What about you? What do you think about the article?
(Oh, I also found the Homosexuality in Perspective study to be interesting as well.)
The author of the article doesn't like the "born this way" argument because she believes that it shouldn't matter whether she was born that way or chose to pursue her attraction to women by having a same sex spouse. She says that to her, by using that argument, it sounds like we are saying that if I could, I would be different but I can't. In the end, it shouldn't matter if it's purely genetic or choice or some mix of things we don't yet understand. People should have the right to be with who they want to be with. I get that and I agree with her.
But then I also kind of groan inside, because she talks about how for her it has been a choice. She seems to experience a much greater degree of fluidity or flexibility in her attractions than I do. She says she has dated both men and women and has felt and can feel enough attraction to men that she could probably make marriage to a man work. My groaning comes because I think of the people who will read that who aren't able to see nuance, and who might project her experience onto others (like me) who don't experience the same degree of fluidity or flexibility and say, "See! It is a choice!"
I enjoyed her brief exploration into how a same sex marriage challenges traditional gender roles and how those roles operate in a heterosexual marriage. There are those who would identify this challenge as a threat to "traditional" marriage. I think that this challenge provides a helpful contrast though. I think the differences in the dynamics of a same sex marriage could challenge traditional gender roles in a helpful way that could actually strengthen heterosexual marriage. (As an sidenote, I think it's entertaining when people feel the need to identify who is the man and who is the woman in same sex relationships.)
What about you? What do you think about the article?
(Oh, I also found the Homosexuality in Perspective study to be interesting as well.)
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
the point of power
I'm friends with Eckhart Tolle on Facebook. Well, maybe I just "liked" him. Either way, he addresses me as friend in this post from today, so I'm saying we're friends. Anyway, this is what he had to say today:
Dear Friends,
Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said: "Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you". In other words: freedom consists in finding the point of power, which is always in the present moment. It also means: how you respond to what happens is more important than what happens.
With love
Eckhart
Or as I've said before on here, content doesn't matter, it's how we hold it that does.
Have you ever made flirty eyes at a complete stranger? I think you should try it. I just got back from lunch in the mall and I crossed paths with a cute black man who smiled at me and I smiled back. We both did the over-the-shoulder glance back after crossing paths and smiled again. He went down the stairs and was walking a floor below me, but could still see me one level up and the flirty eyes continued. It might be the perfect way to ease back into a work week after a three day weekend.
Dear Friends,
Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said: "Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you". In other words: freedom consists in finding the point of power, which is always in the present moment. It also means: how you respond to what happens is more important than what happens.
With love
Eckhart
Or as I've said before on here, content doesn't matter, it's how we hold it that does.
Have you ever made flirty eyes at a complete stranger? I think you should try it. I just got back from lunch in the mall and I crossed paths with a cute black man who smiled at me and I smiled back. We both did the over-the-shoulder glance back after crossing paths and smiled again. He went down the stairs and was walking a floor below me, but could still see me one level up and the flirty eyes continued. It might be the perfect way to ease back into a work week after a three day weekend.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
mitch mayne
If you are gay and Mormon or pay much attention to the Mormon Bloggernacle, then you've probably heard that Mitch Mayne, an openly gay man living in San Francisco, was recently called to be executive secretary in his ward. I'm guessing that it isn't the first time this has ever happened, but it's definitely generated more conversation online than other instances. I think part of this is due to the fact that Mitch isn't apologetic about his sexuality, nor does he adopt the narrative of it being a broken part of him. He owns it. He's also fairly actively shared his story online of being openly gay and being asked to serve as executive secretary of his ward.
I think it's valuable to stop and read the posts and conversations about all of it (especially if you have no idea what I'm talking about). I think the conversations taking place give a good sense of where we are and aren't in the Mormon church on the topic of homosexuliaty. I think that's the most interesting thing to me: to observe how people process the information, how they hold it, the questions they ask, the questions they don't ask. It's not so much what happened that interests me but how it's presented and how people react to it.
Here are some links for you to join in the observation process yourself:
Mitch Mayne's website (which includes a link to his blog where he talks about his new calling)
Post at By Common Consent (the comment stream here is kind of interesting)
Post at Times and Seasons
Joanna Brooks' write up at Religion Dispatches
Of course there has also been plenty of discussion in Facebook groups, but all those groups are closed so I can't link to them here.
And here's a presentation Mitch gave in March at Sunstone West before any of this took place:
I think it's valuable to stop and read the posts and conversations about all of it (especially if you have no idea what I'm talking about). I think the conversations taking place give a good sense of where we are and aren't in the Mormon church on the topic of homosexuliaty. I think that's the most interesting thing to me: to observe how people process the information, how they hold it, the questions they ask, the questions they don't ask. It's not so much what happened that interests me but how it's presented and how people react to it.
Here are some links for you to join in the observation process yourself:
Mitch Mayne's website (which includes a link to his blog where he talks about his new calling)
Post at By Common Consent (the comment stream here is kind of interesting)
Post at Times and Seasons
Joanna Brooks' write up at Religion Dispatches
Of course there has also been plenty of discussion in Facebook groups, but all those groups are closed so I can't link to them here.
And here's a presentation Mitch gave in March at Sunstone West before any of this took place:
Monday, August 22, 2011
thoughts on dating
A few months ago I posted about wanting to venture into the vulnerable world of dating. Before that, I'd said I was open to it, but had never really made any conscientious effort to pursue it. I signed up for OKCupid (ugh) and have been on a handful of dates since then. It's been an interesting experiment. I don't know that I've particularly enjoyed it.
I got really excited about the first guy I met in person from the site. I actually got fairly lucky. He was incredibly attractive and bright and witty. We went out a few times and I started to realize I was doing that thing where you create something wonderful out of nothing. I think it's a common trap of the inexperienced or the person who is more infatuated with the idea of relationship than actually being in a relationship, a relationship where the other person is seen for and allowed to be who they actually are for better or for worse.
So after the third date, I came away realizing that I really wasn't excited about spending any more time with him. I mean I wanted to be excited about it, but I wasn't. So I figured I'd just leave it up to him to make any next move to get together. I'm pretty sure he felt the same way; I haven't heard from him.
Other than that, I've been on a few dates here and there and chatted with a couple guys online, but nothing that has materialized into anything as of yet. To be honest, I have a hard time imagining myself in a long term relationship with another human being. Maybe it's because I've been single for so long and have never really been in any kind of healthy, long term relationship with someone where there was mutual attraction.
I often wonder why I never got even close to getting married. I'm kind of amazed at guys who have. I couldn't do it. I couldn't even get close. That makes it sound like I regret that I didn't get married and admire those who did and that's not really true. I'm frequently grateful that I didn't jump into marriage before I realized what I would be getting myself into, for my sake and hers. I guess sometimes I wonder why I couldn't ever get close. The desire was there and I went on lots of dates and I wasn't all that self aware at the time, but I guess I just couldn't pretend deeply enough, or for a length of time that would get me anywhere near marriage.
Maybe that's it. I'm not good at pretending in relationships, which could be partly why I haven't particularly enjoyed my brief (so far) foray into dating dudes. To me, it seems kind of silly to specifically look for someone to date. It seems too contrived and weird, and maybe I feel that way because of my background in Mormon dating where there is so much weight and meaning behind a date. So then of course it seems weird and contrived. Honestly though, I'd much rather go about my business, engaging in my normal social intereactions and have a relationship develop naturally and organically out of an existing friendship. I figure if I meet someone doing what I enjoy doing or with people whose company I enjoy, the odds of meeting someone I am compatible with increase. (Instead of meeting a complete stranger based on what they've chosen to portray about themselves online.) I guess I just haven't had much success with the former organic approach and so I decided to try the latter, more contrived approach.
I don't actually spend a whole lot of time thinking or worrying about this, which is probably evident in my half hearted/assed attempts at dating. At this point, being single can feel comfy and cozy at times. But ultimately, there is that simmering desire - albeit sometimes in the background - to share my life and self with someone and have him share his life and self with me.
Oh. I realize this made the rounds on the interwebz a while back, but I rediscovered it today and I really do enjoy it.
Thought of You from Ryan J Woodward on Vimeo.
I got really excited about the first guy I met in person from the site. I actually got fairly lucky. He was incredibly attractive and bright and witty. We went out a few times and I started to realize I was doing that thing where you create something wonderful out of nothing. I think it's a common trap of the inexperienced or the person who is more infatuated with the idea of relationship than actually being in a relationship, a relationship where the other person is seen for and allowed to be who they actually are for better or for worse.
So after the third date, I came away realizing that I really wasn't excited about spending any more time with him. I mean I wanted to be excited about it, but I wasn't. So I figured I'd just leave it up to him to make any next move to get together. I'm pretty sure he felt the same way; I haven't heard from him.
Other than that, I've been on a few dates here and there and chatted with a couple guys online, but nothing that has materialized into anything as of yet. To be honest, I have a hard time imagining myself in a long term relationship with another human being. Maybe it's because I've been single for so long and have never really been in any kind of healthy, long term relationship with someone where there was mutual attraction.
I often wonder why I never got even close to getting married. I'm kind of amazed at guys who have. I couldn't do it. I couldn't even get close. That makes it sound like I regret that I didn't get married and admire those who did and that's not really true. I'm frequently grateful that I didn't jump into marriage before I realized what I would be getting myself into, for my sake and hers. I guess sometimes I wonder why I couldn't ever get close. The desire was there and I went on lots of dates and I wasn't all that self aware at the time, but I guess I just couldn't pretend deeply enough, or for a length of time that would get me anywhere near marriage.
Maybe that's it. I'm not good at pretending in relationships, which could be partly why I haven't particularly enjoyed my brief (so far) foray into dating dudes. To me, it seems kind of silly to specifically look for someone to date. It seems too contrived and weird, and maybe I feel that way because of my background in Mormon dating where there is so much weight and meaning behind a date. So then of course it seems weird and contrived. Honestly though, I'd much rather go about my business, engaging in my normal social intereactions and have a relationship develop naturally and organically out of an existing friendship. I figure if I meet someone doing what I enjoy doing or with people whose company I enjoy, the odds of meeting someone I am compatible with increase. (Instead of meeting a complete stranger based on what they've chosen to portray about themselves online.) I guess I just haven't had much success with the former organic approach and so I decided to try the latter, more contrived approach.
I don't actually spend a whole lot of time thinking or worrying about this, which is probably evident in my half hearted/assed attempts at dating. At this point, being single can feel comfy and cozy at times. But ultimately, there is that simmering desire - albeit sometimes in the background - to share my life and self with someone and have him share his life and self with me.
Oh. I realize this made the rounds on the interwebz a while back, but I rediscovered it today and I really do enjoy it.
Thought of You from Ryan J Woodward on Vimeo.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
summer vacation
This is what I've been up to the past couple of weeks.
Sunstoning: Yes, that is a giant replica of the Angel Moroni made of balloons (not noodles). We presented on Empathy First Initiative and Far Between.
I also played cars.
And hung out with my friend Ninny in her comfy caftan.
After lounging in the caftan, we went to an amazing antique shop in Provo. As you can see, it was mostly the dolls that captured my attention. If you're easily spooked by creepy dolls, you might want to skip the next eight pictures.
I spent some time waiting for pizza at Bear Lake.
And then some time eating pizza at Bear Lake.
I ate fruit snacks from the floor at Bear Lake, shared with me by this little one.
I also just relaxed and hung out at Bear Lake.
Flew giant kites at Bear Lake.
Hung out with Spiderman at Bear Lake.
Enjoyed beautiful views of Bear Lake.
And watched a full moon rise over Bear Lake.
Monday, August 1, 2011
listening
If you haven't already, you should "like" Empathy First Initiative on Facebook. There are lots of quotes, stories, videos, etc. posted that I believe can help promote a habit and a culture of empathy. I believe one of the best ways to develop and practice this habit of empathy is to learn how to listen effectively to others and ourselves and the world around us. This TED talk lists five simple ways we can listen better.
Our media have to scream at us in order to get our attention. And that means it's harder for us to pay attention to the quiet, the subtle, the understated.
Our media have to scream at us in order to get our attention. And that means it's harder for us to pay attention to the quiet, the subtle, the understated.
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