I think it's inevitable as a gay Mormon that at some point in coming to terms with your sexuality, you will also do a fair amount of wrestling with your religious identity. Everyone approaches it differently, but so far, I've taken the approach of sifting through the culture and the religion (I don't think anybody can really say exactly where one ends and the other begins) and pulling out stuff that resonates and makes me feel good about myself and my relationship with the divine and I keep it. Then there are the things that don't resonate with me or that I feel detract from my relationship with myself and the divine. Sometimes I have to chip away layers of accumulated calcified (that one's for you, Dan C.) cultural baggage to get to a pure and simple truth. Sometimes I'm not really sure what I've found, or if or when I've chipped away the unnecessary baggage enough to find the gem.
One idea that is commonly shared in a Mormon testimony is a gratefulness to have been born when we have the fulness of the gospel. This is what I'm currently dusting off and taking a look at, and it makes me really uncomfortable. It makes me uncomfortable because I think it leads to complacency. It also makes me uncomfortable because I don't believe that we have a fulness of the gospel. If we are downloading the fulness of the gospel, I think we are probably less than 1% to completion and right now I feel like we have a pretty slow connection and I think it's because of complacency.
I think the mind set of many is that we have the fulness of the gospel, so now we just have to sit around and wait for Jesus to come back, instead of seek to understand how the LGBT population fits into the picture, or what role our Mother in Heaven plays and what a knowledge of Her could teach us about ourselves. And what about gender? Is gender really eternal, and if so, what does that mean? Are we talking about physical manifestations of gender? What if someone is born intersex? What does that mean for them?
I could go on with the questions and I'm sure all of you could add your own and we could come up with a pretty healthy list. When you start to ask yourself these questions, it becomes easy to see that there are a lot of questions that the gospel doesn't answer. I think that in order to get the answers, we have to be willing to live into the tension that those questions create, remembering to breathe, paying attention to the stretching that occurs, the challenge to balance. Most importantly though, we need to remember our greatest responsiblity as humans on this planet is to love our neighbor as ourself.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
my body
I just read John G-W’s post about surrendering and stretching and it got me thinking about some of my own experiences with those same themes. I’ve recently mixed up my exercise routine to include more yoga and I love it. I love that it’s a more contemplative and peaceful form of exercise than some of the other things I do. I also love that it’s more holistic in that it focuses on the development of not just strength, but also balance and flexibility.
I think one of the gifts having our physical bodies is the ability to engage in ritual and to physically act out and experience what happens in our emotional and spiritual lives. The stretching, struggling to maintain balance, the holding of a difficult pose. Sometimes I tense up my whole body in order to hold a pose and I make it much more difficult than it needs to be. Then I’m patiently told to only work the muscles that need to work and let the others relax. My body seems to particularly enjoy tensing at the shoulders. I realize when working my abs that I tense up my neck and face and shoulders and thighs to protect those poor ab muscles from doing the work that I actually want them to do.
Sometimes I don’t fully lean into a pose. There is some stretching that’s going on, but not what it could be. I’m told to tweak my pose just a bit. Open up your hips. Draw your right or left hip forward. Engage your abs. Relax your shoulders. Lead with your heart. Breathe into it. Never stop breathing.
That’s probably another favorite of mine. Holding my breath until it’s over, instead of breathing into the difficult pose and making those tweaks, always conscious of the change that occurs, conscious of the additional stretching that’s able to happen, the challenge to my balance. I assess and breathe and balance. Then I move into the next pose and begin again.
During this type of exercise, it’s much easier to recognize and internalize what a beautiful gift my body is.
I think one of the gifts having our physical bodies is the ability to engage in ritual and to physically act out and experience what happens in our emotional and spiritual lives. The stretching, struggling to maintain balance, the holding of a difficult pose. Sometimes I tense up my whole body in order to hold a pose and I make it much more difficult than it needs to be. Then I’m patiently told to only work the muscles that need to work and let the others relax. My body seems to particularly enjoy tensing at the shoulders. I realize when working my abs that I tense up my neck and face and shoulders and thighs to protect those poor ab muscles from doing the work that I actually want them to do.
Sometimes I don’t fully lean into a pose. There is some stretching that’s going on, but not what it could be. I’m told to tweak my pose just a bit. Open up your hips. Draw your right or left hip forward. Engage your abs. Relax your shoulders. Lead with your heart. Breathe into it. Never stop breathing.
That’s probably another favorite of mine. Holding my breath until it’s over, instead of breathing into the difficult pose and making those tweaks, always conscious of the change that occurs, conscious of the additional stretching that’s able to happen, the challenge to my balance. I assess and breathe and balance. Then I move into the next pose and begin again.
During this type of exercise, it’s much easier to recognize and internalize what a beautiful gift my body is.
Monday, April 11, 2011
a gay fantasia on national themes
This past weekend I went to NYC to see Angels in America and do some shooting for the documentary. We met up Friday night with some other gay Mormon guys who live in the city so they could show us a proper night on the town. We met up at Vynl for food, where he had a large corner booth with a table top that was a tile mosaic of Liza Minelli's face. I wanted to get a picture of it, but it was covered with all our dirty dishes. I did, however, get a picture of the life size tile mosaic of Justin Timberlake in the bathroom.
Opening scene, with Meryl Streep as the Rabbi.
This is probably the scene that really got to me the most during the play. The actress who played the pioneer woman did such a beautiful job with it, and there was something about her delivery of it that elicited a fairly powerful and visceral reaction from me that was kind of unexpected. Almost like she was reaching inside me, as is described in this scene. I felt like she so beautifully captured what that process of change is like, not just with the words, but her delivery of them.
Harper's monologue on the plane to San Francisco was my very favorite the first time I saw the movie.
And of course the final scene is a really beautiful one.
After we got some food, we went to a few clubs. First up were Therapy and Industry, which were right across the street from one another. Therapy and Industry kind of sounds like a state motto or something and not at all like the clubs mentioned by Stefon during Weekend Update. They were nice, if not a little bit pretentious. It seemed like those were the clubs where pretty gays with tight shirts congregate for others to look at them.
After that, we went to The Stonewall Inn, mostly for historical purposes. All I'll say about this one is that it was a very quick visit that I'm trying to forget. Before calling it a night, we went to a place next door to Stonewall, and I can't remember the name of it. Upstairs they have a little improv and a lot of singing along to showtunes. Jack, the guy who was filming everything, was the only straight guy there and the female MC immediately honed in on him. Let's just say she was more than a little bit thrilled to have a man in the audience who was attracted to women.
Saturday, Kendall and I went and saw Angels in America and this was definitely a highlight of the trip. I forget how amazing and powerful live theater can be when it's done by real professionals. I'm including a few clips of my favorite parts, as portrayed by the HBO miniseries.
Here's the trailer, in case you've never seen or heard of AiA.
Opening scene, with Meryl Streep as the Rabbi.
This is probably the scene that really got to me the most during the play. The actress who played the pioneer woman did such a beautiful job with it, and there was something about her delivery of it that elicited a fairly powerful and visceral reaction from me that was kind of unexpected. Almost like she was reaching inside me, as is described in this scene. I felt like she so beautifully captured what that process of change is like, not just with the words, but her delivery of them.
Harper's monologue on the plane to San Francisco was my very favorite the first time I saw the movie.
And of course the final scene is a really beautiful one.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
seek after these things
The 13th article of faith of the LDS church says that "if there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things." I've been spending a lot of time listening to podcasts and watching documentaries and have experienced some pretty great stuff. So I thought I'd share. Below are links to things I think you should check out as well as descriptions (that I pulled from the websites) of what each one is about.
RadioWest: Borderlands: How do you write a play about coming out when the only gay character in the script is already out? The Mormon playwright Eric Samuelsen says he had personal experiences to draw from - his daughter marrying outside the faith, his oldest son deciding not to go on a mission. Samuelsen explores the idea of admitting uncomfortable truths in his newest work. (I've heard mixed reviews about the play itself. I haven't seen it, but I enjoyed this discussion of it on RadioWest.)
RadioWest: Hidden Reality: Doug talks to physicist Brian Greene about this question: is our universe the only universe? Greene's latest book is called "The Hidden Reality" and he says that major scientific developments have opened the door to the possible existence of parallel universes. It may sound like something from science fiction, and the idea is controversial and speculative, but Greene's goal is to help us imagine how the boundaries of reality could one day be redrawn.
Pray Away the Gay?: Through intimate portraits and perspectives, Lisa Ling takes a look at one of the most polarizing debates in Christianity today: Is is possible to be gay and Christian at the same time. (This is pretty even handed look at the topic. The focus is more on the stories and experiences of the individuals, as opposed to devolving into dogma and/or polemics.)
This American Life: Parent Trap: Rebecca was 16 years old when her mother Elizabeth died of cancer. But before she died, she wrote letters to Rebecca, to be given to her on her birthday each year for thirteen years. At first the letters were comforting, but as time went on, they had much more complicated effects.
This American Life: God's Close-Up: An artist, his Jesus-model, the model's girlfriend, the girlfriend's father, and a bunch of bearded men all converge in Utah. An elaborate artistic tableau is set up in the desert, and there are several attempts by the faithful and the not so faithful to bridge the divide between them. (If you don't watch or listen to anything else, at least watch this one. It's only about 25 minutes and well worth those 25 minutes. You can stream it on Netflix)
Dig in.
RadioWest: Borderlands: How do you write a play about coming out when the only gay character in the script is already out? The Mormon playwright Eric Samuelsen says he had personal experiences to draw from - his daughter marrying outside the faith, his oldest son deciding not to go on a mission. Samuelsen explores the idea of admitting uncomfortable truths in his newest work. (I've heard mixed reviews about the play itself. I haven't seen it, but I enjoyed this discussion of it on RadioWest.)
RadioWest: Hidden Reality: Doug talks to physicist Brian Greene about this question: is our universe the only universe? Greene's latest book is called "The Hidden Reality" and he says that major scientific developments have opened the door to the possible existence of parallel universes. It may sound like something from science fiction, and the idea is controversial and speculative, but Greene's goal is to help us imagine how the boundaries of reality could one day be redrawn.
Pray Away the Gay?: Through intimate portraits and perspectives, Lisa Ling takes a look at one of the most polarizing debates in Christianity today: Is is possible to be gay and Christian at the same time. (This is pretty even handed look at the topic. The focus is more on the stories and experiences of the individuals, as opposed to devolving into dogma and/or polemics.)
This American Life: Parent Trap: Rebecca was 16 years old when her mother Elizabeth died of cancer. But before she died, she wrote letters to Rebecca, to be given to her on her birthday each year for thirteen years. At first the letters were comforting, but as time went on, they had much more complicated effects.
This American Life: God's Close-Up: An artist, his Jesus-model, the model's girlfriend, the girlfriend's father, and a bunch of bearded men all converge in Utah. An elaborate artistic tableau is set up in the desert, and there are several attempts by the faithful and the not so faithful to bridge the divide between them. (If you don't watch or listen to anything else, at least watch this one. It's only about 25 minutes and well worth those 25 minutes. You can stream it on Netflix)
Dig in.
Monday, March 28, 2011
scrubbing out the gay
I have a question to toss out to all of you. I think all of us at some point have been, and some might currently be in that stage of trying to root out the gay. By root out the gay, I mean trying to eliminate it or change it into a heterosexual attraction. This probably includes trying to reform or change or eliminate activities or behaviors or relationships that we think might be contributing to the gay. This process might be an effort to change orientation or it might be just to eliminate stuff from your life that might give away the fact that you're gay. Anyway, I think you are all aware of this degayifying process of which I speak, to some degree or another.
So here's the question, what things do you or have you tried to eliminate from your life in order to eliminate or hide the gay? For example, like probably many of you, I've always gotten along famously with the ladies. We are like best friends. I went through a phase in which I believed that my relationship to women was contributing to my inability to be attracted to them. Kind of like I was going in the back door and becoming one of them, eliminating the possiblity of becoming attracted to them. So I thought that I needed to not get along so well with the women in my life, go in the front door and interact with them in a way that would encourage an attraction to them. It seemed fool proof and made total sense to me at the time. It resulted in me not having very many friends and feeling a little dead inside.
So what about you? Other things eliminated at an attempt to degayify might include not wearing certain things that might be "too gay", not participating in certain activities (dance, fashion design, etc.), not associating with openly gay people, you get the idea. Please don't be embarrassed about sharing, no matter how ridiculous you might think it is now. This is a safe space. :)
So here's the question, what things do you or have you tried to eliminate from your life in order to eliminate or hide the gay? For example, like probably many of you, I've always gotten along famously with the ladies. We are like best friends. I went through a phase in which I believed that my relationship to women was contributing to my inability to be attracted to them. Kind of like I was going in the back door and becoming one of them, eliminating the possiblity of becoming attracted to them. So I thought that I needed to not get along so well with the women in my life, go in the front door and interact with them in a way that would encourage an attraction to them. It seemed fool proof and made total sense to me at the time. It resulted in me not having very many friends and feeling a little dead inside.
So what about you? Other things eliminated at an attempt to degayify might include not wearing certain things that might be "too gay", not participating in certain activities (dance, fashion design, etc.), not associating with openly gay people, you get the idea. Please don't be embarrassed about sharing, no matter how ridiculous you might think it is now. This is a safe space. :)
Monday, March 21, 2011
that world beyond bliss
Now I am holding her hand and asking, "How are you, Sweetie? You look a lot better than you did yesterday." We smile and I leave my lipstick kiss on her cheek. "My mark of distinction," she says, as always. But this time when she says she just wants to go to sleep and not wake up, I say what I know, " Yes. And what a glorious surprise will be there for you. Are you afraid?"
"Yes--you know, the review of your life--all that judgment."
"Oh, my dear, what judgment? I've been there, remember? And there is nothing but love, total acceptance." I squeeze her hand harder and lean close. Her blue, blue yes, almost always muted behind glasses, hold mine. I tell her of my death experience as I have before, but now it is as if we are traveling there together. She is seeing what I see; the light that I know will be for her--her free and running into the arms of her loved ones. No judgment. No echelons, only loving acceptance and that world beyond bliss, beyond joy, beyond ecstasy, a new life--childness. Just being, without expectation by others, or herself of how to be, simply Edith of no age, no impairment, no losses, she and all she loves as their eternal essences, recognizable, welcoming, full of light.
-Emma Lou Warner Thayne, The Place of Knowing
"Yes--you know, the review of your life--all that judgment."
"Oh, my dear, what judgment? I've been there, remember? And there is nothing but love, total acceptance." I squeeze her hand harder and lean close. Her blue, blue yes, almost always muted behind glasses, hold mine. I tell her of my death experience as I have before, but now it is as if we are traveling there together. She is seeing what I see; the light that I know will be for her--her free and running into the arms of her loved ones. No judgment. No echelons, only loving acceptance and that world beyond bliss, beyond joy, beyond ecstasy, a new life--childness. Just being, without expectation by others, or herself of how to be, simply Edith of no age, no impairment, no losses, she and all she loves as their eternal essences, recognizable, welcoming, full of light.
-Emma Lou Warner Thayne, The Place of Knowing
Friday, March 18, 2011
then sigh not so
I did a guest post over at Hey Nonny today. Check it, yo!
Also check this out and have a great weekend.
Also check this out and have a great weekend.
Monday, March 14, 2011
catharsis near bountiful court
In the movie Inception, Cobb says, “I think positive emotion trumps negative emotion every time. We all yearn for reconciliation, for catharsis.” It seems that if I go with what life brings me, instead of trying to fight it, I fall into that catharsis almost effortlessly.
This weekend I was in Utah and it turned out being a weekend of intense catharsis. The original purpose for the trip was my friend Adam’s wedding. (I’ve mentioned Adam here and here.) The weekend also became an opportunity to meet the others working on the documentary I’ve mentioned here. We spent Thursday afternoon and evening and all day Friday working on the documentary. Thursday night we met with a group of students at BYU to do a group interview of their experiences of being gay at BYU.
Of course the conversation caused me to think about my own experiences at BYU, and how self destructive I was when I was there. I thought about how my actions/inactions had contributed to what I think is an unhealthy aspect of Mormon church culture that has tried to ignore or avoid talking about the topic of homosexuality in open and compassionate ways. I tried to ignore it and will it away, while at the same time indulging myself on the side in ways that were dangerous and damaging to my physical, emotional and spiritual self. I try to look back at the way I went about things back then with compassion though. I don’t think I was capable of much more at that point. I was like a baby trying to digest a 16 ounce steak.
This weekend, eight years after graduating, I was back in the same physical space, but a completely different emotional and spiritual space. It seemed like a gift to be back in Provo, working on a project that I hope will bring more understanding and compassion on the topic of homosexuality, specifically in the context of Mormonism. It was incredibly empowering to engage in open, honest and respectful dialogue on the topic.
That could have been cathartic enough, but the next morning after the group interview, I got up to go for a run. I was staying in a friend’s home south of campus. As I started walking down the street, I realized that the house I was staying in was just a block over from an apartment complex I lived in for two years while I was at BYU. It was where I was living when digesting the 16 ounce steak became too much to do alone and I felt myself imploding. It was where I was living when I decided to tell my parents I was gay and where I was living when I asked my friend Adam (the one who got married this weekend) if he could go for a walk with me so I could tell him as well. I was living in that apartment complex when I went through my first church disciplinary council and thought my whole world had completely fallen apart.
Bountiful Court became a place of great internal upheaval for me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was the beginning of the unfolding, the painful beginning of the process of becoming myself. My friend’s home could have been anywhere in Provo, but it was a block from Bountiful Court.
If I go with it, instead of trying to fight it, life often presents me with incredibly beautiful and cathartic synchronicities. I was completely overwhelmed as I drove north Friday night to Adam’s bachelor party in Salt Lake. Don’t worry though; I managed to pull myself together in time for the festivities. No one wants a weepy gay at his bachelor party.
This weekend I was in Utah and it turned out being a weekend of intense catharsis. The original purpose for the trip was my friend Adam’s wedding. (I’ve mentioned Adam here and here.) The weekend also became an opportunity to meet the others working on the documentary I’ve mentioned here. We spent Thursday afternoon and evening and all day Friday working on the documentary. Thursday night we met with a group of students at BYU to do a group interview of their experiences of being gay at BYU.
Of course the conversation caused me to think about my own experiences at BYU, and how self destructive I was when I was there. I thought about how my actions/inactions had contributed to what I think is an unhealthy aspect of Mormon church culture that has tried to ignore or avoid talking about the topic of homosexuality in open and compassionate ways. I tried to ignore it and will it away, while at the same time indulging myself on the side in ways that were dangerous and damaging to my physical, emotional and spiritual self. I try to look back at the way I went about things back then with compassion though. I don’t think I was capable of much more at that point. I was like a baby trying to digest a 16 ounce steak.
This weekend, eight years after graduating, I was back in the same physical space, but a completely different emotional and spiritual space. It seemed like a gift to be back in Provo, working on a project that I hope will bring more understanding and compassion on the topic of homosexuality, specifically in the context of Mormonism. It was incredibly empowering to engage in open, honest and respectful dialogue on the topic.
That could have been cathartic enough, but the next morning after the group interview, I got up to go for a run. I was staying in a friend’s home south of campus. As I started walking down the street, I realized that the house I was staying in was just a block over from an apartment complex I lived in for two years while I was at BYU. It was where I was living when digesting the 16 ounce steak became too much to do alone and I felt myself imploding. It was where I was living when I decided to tell my parents I was gay and where I was living when I asked my friend Adam (the one who got married this weekend) if he could go for a walk with me so I could tell him as well. I was living in that apartment complex when I went through my first church disciplinary council and thought my whole world had completely fallen apart.
Bountiful Court became a place of great internal upheaval for me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was the beginning of the unfolding, the painful beginning of the process of becoming myself. My friend’s home could have been anywhere in Provo, but it was a block from Bountiful Court.
If I go with it, instead of trying to fight it, life often presents me with incredibly beautiful and cathartic synchronicities. I was completely overwhelmed as I drove north Friday night to Adam’s bachelor party in Salt Lake. Don’t worry though; I managed to pull myself together in time for the festivities. No one wants a weepy gay at his bachelor party.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
be photographed!
My friend D'Arcy is a photographer extraordinaire. This summer she will be traveling the country and offering a great deal on sessions. (That sounds weird, is that what you call it in the photography biz? A session?) Either way, D'Arcy will do a great job at making you look fabulous. She is also going to donate a large chunk of the proceeds to help finance her friend Jenny's fight with cancer. So be photographed and help someone in need. Reduced prices (which includes the session and the images) and details are below.
During the months of April, May, and June BEE PHOTOGRAPHY would like to take wonderful photographs for EACH person or family who would like them. This will be at 50% of their regular fee. You will get ALL rights to the images. A generous amount of the proceeds from these shoots will go to help my sweet friend Jenny Reeder (read more about her story here) pay for her mounting and extensive medical bills as a result of being diagnosed with cancer. I will be offering these shoots to clients in Utah during the months of April and May. Then, the month of June is dedicated to traveling America and photographing families. You can read more about Jenny and also see the cities offered at the post I did here. Also, if your town is not listed–I am happy to travel there as long as there are at least 5 committed photo shoots. Thank you so much in advance for your consideration!
These prices are good in Utah for APRIL and MAY ONLY.
These prices are good in other cities for June and the first part of July.
After July--Bee Photography will be switching to online proofing of all images and a different price list (offering prints, books, and more!)
If you would like to see images (including BEFORE and AFTER photos of the makeovers) please add me on facebook or follow my blog here.
PRICES
Baby Shoot (30 min): $150
Maternity shoot (45 min): $200
Senior Photos (High School kids only): $200
Individual Portraits: $250
Individual Portraits with Hair and Make-up (as seen on facebook--and most likely in Utah only)--$350
Couples: $300
Engagements: $300
Bridals: $300
Family Sessions of 5 or less: $325Family Sessions of 10 or less: $400
Family Sessions of 20 or less: $500
SAVE EVEN MORE!!--- For EACH person/family you refer who book with me, you will save 10% off your entire purchase.
Thank you for your support. Dates are already filling up quickly so email me as soon as you know. A 50% non-refundable deposit IS required at the time of booking. You can send this via paypal or check.
Thank you so much for your generosity!
Friday, March 4, 2011
the flower of consciousness
A while back I did this post of Eckhart Tolle quotes. The other day, David sent me a link to an Eckhart video on YouTube and I've been watching some of the other videos of Tolle that are available there. I can't remember which video it was now, but in one of them he says something like a failed story is the flower of consciousness. I think we too often get wrapped up in not failing or in doing what we think is expected of us. If something happens to us that we would categorize as a failure, the temptation is to view it as something negative instead of something that can lead us to greater consciousness.
Some might view being gay as a failure or not being able to successfully become straight a failure. I was certainly in that camp at one point in my life. It feels so much better though, to extract myself from that narrative, to not feel like I need to be identified by it or classify it as a struggle but to let it be and to listen to it and see what greater self awareness it can bring about who I am and who I can be.
Like I said, I can't remember which video had the flower of consciousness quote, so here's another video I like that kind of explores the same thing: not getting wrapped up in the content or the drama in our lives or letting it define who we are, but to extract ourselves from it in order to achieve a higher level of consciousness.
Also, I've been going to a personal trainer. He does Cirque du Soleil style hand balancing. Here's a video of him:
He hasn't taught me how to do any of that yet, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time. When he does, I'll be happy to perform at your birthday parties, work functions and bar mitvah's.
Some might view being gay as a failure or not being able to successfully become straight a failure. I was certainly in that camp at one point in my life. It feels so much better though, to extract myself from that narrative, to not feel like I need to be identified by it or classify it as a struggle but to let it be and to listen to it and see what greater self awareness it can bring about who I am and who I can be.
Like I said, I can't remember which video had the flower of consciousness quote, so here's another video I like that kind of explores the same thing: not getting wrapped up in the content or the drama in our lives or letting it define who we are, but to extract ourselves from it in order to achieve a higher level of consciousness.
Also, I've been going to a personal trainer. He does Cirque du Soleil style hand balancing. Here's a video of him:
He hasn't taught me how to do any of that yet, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time. When he does, I'll be happy to perform at your birthday parties, work functions and bar mitvah's.
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