Self Reliance

Sunday I had dinner with some friends. During the course of the meal, I was talking to a friend who told me she was speaking in church the following Sunday and had the coolest topic and was very excited about it. Then she said what the topic was. Self reliance. Meh, I thought. That’s boring.

I immediately thought of 72 hour kits and being financially responsible and job fairs and churning my own butter and I almost immediately fell asleep. Fortunately, she tacked on one more word and said that her take was going to be about spiritual self reliance. My mind sprang back to life and the wheels started churning something other than butter.

This is something I’ve often thought about but never boiled down to three succinct words. As a Mormon man who likes men (like more than just as friends), it’s difficult to find a good role model. In the past my options have appeared to be limited to two possibilities. The first would be to just pretend I don’t feel this way and marry a woman and live eternally ever after but not necessarily happily. The other option would be to leave the church and my spirituality behind and adopt an identity that didn’t seem to fit who I am either. Those are two well traveled paths.

Thankfully at some point, I began to realize that other options existed and that I needn’t rely on the examples of those I saw around me. Enter spiritual self reliance. I realized with the help of the spirit and personal revelation, I had the power to forge my own path. I could acknowledge the reality of my attraction to men, but also hold on to my spirituality and that the two could in fact coexist peacefully. I didn’t need to look to others to show me how to do this. I could be spiritually self reliant.

Warning: Excessive Nudity

I totally get that there will be naked men in the locker room at the gym. As a matter of fact, I’ve been known to be found naked in there from time to time. What I don’t get, is those men that go the extra mile in their nudity.

Yesterday at the gym I went to use the restroom and saw a man completely nude. Here’s the part where he went the extra mile: He had one of his feet up on the counter at the sinks under the hand dryer…drying his foot I guess? I’ll pause for a minute so you can get the image in your head. The sad part is that stuff like this happens all the time. Old naked guys are always putting one naked foot on the bench (probably where another old naked guy was sitting while putting on his socks) and leaning on his knee while talking to another naked guy about the weather or the stock market or how Obama is the anti-Christ.

A while ago I went into the locker room to use the restroom. Afterwards, I walked into the sink area to wash my hands and was greeted by a thick, hot, moist wall of stink. I looked around to try and find the offender and there was some old naked guy drying the briefs that he’d probably been working out in all week in front of the hand dryer. Keep in mind, those things can blow some hot air. I’ll pause and let you think about how that hot air contributed to the thick, hot, moist wall that assaulted me.

Locker room nudity is one area where it’s perfectly acceptable to be mediocre. No need to go the extra mile there.

Listening

I recently decided to give meditation a shot. I have read Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and attended a meditation 101 class at the Dharma Rain Zen Center and so I figured I am good to go. I really like what it does for me. It's hard to explain though, how just sitting there doing nothing and thinking about nothing could do anything for anyone. Please refer to the below text message conversation I had between me and my friend DR.

Me: I've recently taken up the practice of meditation and I like it.
DR: Do you just sit around and stuff?
Me: Yup. And listen. To who I am.
Me: That's deep right?
DR: Yeah. Way deep. When you listen are you still Jon?
Me: Nope. I'm Brandy.
DR: Hey Brandy. What's going on?
Me: Oh, not much. I'm just like helping Jon think and stuff.
DR: Hey Brandy. You're not related to the singer brandy....Are you?
Me: Oh, so you're familiar with my music?
DR: Oh Brandy! I'm so sorry I didn't know who I was speaking to. I'm your biggest fan.
Me: Exactly how big are you?

So in all of that there is something serious. I really do feel like meditation helps me listen to who I am. Our days are full of noise and doing things. Working, studying, playing, watching TV, listening to music, talking to people, listening to people. Listening to messages from people and media about who we should or shouldn't be, what we should or shouldn't do. Lots and lots of noise. And it becomes very easy to become disconnected from the core of who we are. The decisions we make and things we do become a reaction to all the noise around us instead of from our core. I believe that when we do that, we live disconnected, disjointed lives which makes it harder to connect with ourselves.

When I meditate, I force all of that out. I sit and focus on some insignificant object directly in front of me. I listen to myself breath. I listen to my body. Listen to noises I hear. The thub thub, thub thub of the washer upstairs. I feel the sun as it rises and its rays slowly reach out to me. Then I'm able to listen to who I am. There is clarity. And Silence. I am present instead of thinking about what happened yesterday or what might happen today. In that state I'm able to enjoy being with myself. Instead of reacting to situations and people from my disconnected self, I'm able to act from my core and it's more authentic. Life begins to have resonance and rhythm. Guaranteed that resonance and rhythm can fade and the disjointedness can return, but that's when I stop and listen. To who I am.