Time to Evolve

A while back, I wrote a post with the title Choose Your Own Ending. I'm gonna paste a large chunk of it below that pertains to what I want to explore in this post:

If you think about, the gay son born to a very strictly Mormon family sets up the perfect scenario for amazing transformation and opportunities for learning. They are a perfect foil for each other. In literature, a foil is a person who is a contrast to another character. I am admittedly not an English major, so if any English majors want to jump in and add anything, feel free. By providing this contrast, the foil might help the main character understand himself better, or help the reader understand the main character better. A foil gives something to be played off of. It provides some amount of tension.

A gay Mormon might help his conservative family learn to live a little bit outside the lines, in a way that expands their understanding of the gospel. The family might help the gay son not live self-destructively outside the lines. Each provides a necessary tug in different directions and as a result, they help each other live more fully.

I was recently involved in a retreat for the choir I sing in. We had a guest clinician come work with us. She had us do some exercises that helped us ignore some of the standard rules of good singing. She told us that sometimes you have to go outside your boundaries to see where they are. To add to the conversation, our director said that she sometimes has a lady come help her clean her house and she always warns her that it’s going to get messier before it gets cleaner.

This isn’t to say that I believe that we should explore everything and forget all boundaries. I do think, however, that we are sometimes way too scared to make mistakes. We cloister ourselves so far inside the lines that I think we miss out on opportunities for growth. Let your gay Mormon son be your tour guide and continue to be his. Just a warning though, his tour will probably be much flashier and might include song and dance. Just go with it. Trust me. The term foil refers to the practice of putting dark, polished metal (a foil) underneath a gemstone to make it shine more brightly.

OK, so there's that. Now here's a video that TGD posted recently on his blog. If you have very clearly defined lines and roles around what you think it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman, you might find this video weird and it might make you uncomfortable. The good Lord knows that earlier in my life this video would have made me feel uncomfortable.

So here's the challenge. Watch the video. Allow yourself to mentally slide around a bit on what you think it means to be a man or a woman. You don't have to end up completely embracing everything he says, but at least allow yourself space to slide around and believe for a minute that what he's saying is true and valid. Explore what that means for you and how you experience your own gender and the opposite gender. In doing so, you might end up reworking your lines and boundaries in ways that make you feel more whole and more integrated.

Costume Ideas

If any of you are still looking for a costume, here are some ideas. The video is funny and also sad. Sad because some people probably don't realize it's satirical and will be nodding their heads in agreement as they listen and taking notes.

Homosexuality: A Straight BYU Student's Perspective

Many of you have probably already seen this. Several moho bloggers were emailed this weekend by a guy named Brad Carmack about a book he's working on and wanting to get published. Below is his explanation of the book as well as a link to the manuscript. I haven't read through the whole thing yet, but it looks like he's trying to encourage more compassion and understanding on the issue of homosexuality within Mormonism. That's cool, right? Anyway, take a look. Let me know what you think.

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Title: Homosexuality: A Straight BYU Student’s Perspective

1) President Packer’s general conference talk
2) The recent rash of suicides by gay teens across the country, accompanying “It Gets Better Project,” and current suffering of my homosexually oriented brothers and sisters
3) My coauthor, from whom I have received much help and inspiration, wants it out sooner than later
These are the reasons why I am releasing my book now. I preferred to wait until Homosexuality: A Straight BYU Student’s Perspective was groomed and edited further; however, it is not my book alone. Heavenly Father helped me write it, and I believe He would have me release it rather than keep it on my hard drive while I spend months making minor improvements. This book is destined to relieve some of the suffering of my homosexual brothers and sisters, though I don’t yet know by how much. Stuart Matis, shortly before committing suicide on the steps of an LDS chapel on February 25, 2000 in Los Altos, California, wrote to his family: “Perhaps my death ... might become the catalyst for much good. I'm sure that you will now be strengthened in your resolve to teach the members and the leaders regarding the true nature of homosexuality. My life was actually killed many years ago. Your actions might help to save many young people's lives."

So here it is- my 165-page magnum opus to date, in raw .docx and .pdf form (google doc: https://docs.google.com/leaf?id=0B1u3K43P-3JoYTUzNjYwMGEtNzNmYi00ODkwLTllMzYtNjRlOTVlMWUwYTM2&hl=en
Non gmail users, in .pdf only:
http://rapidshare.com/files/426861209/Homosexuality_A_Straight_BYU_Student_s_Perspective_Draft_2.pdf). I invite your feedback as I’m still in the later editing stage. Summary of the book below.

My promise to the open-minded reader is that you will be touched, you will learn things you had never considered, and your views on same-sex marriage and homosexuality in the LDS church will likely change voluntarily.

-Bradley Carmack

Summary: The book has two parts: 1) homosexuality (chapters 1-3) and 2) same-sex marriage (chapters 4-7).

In chapter 1, I argue that church members should have great compassion for homosexually oriented members of the church because of the personal difficulties they experience as a result of their orientation and how the Mormon community typically responds to that orientation. I quote a number of studies and give voice to the experiences of many LDS homosexually oriented people.

In chapter 2, I explore causation, detailing both the religious voice and the scientific consensus. Elder Oaks noted how appropriate this type of an inquiry is: "The Church does not have a position on the causes of any of these susceptibilities or inclinations, including those related to same-gender attraction. Those are scientific questions — whether nature or nurture — those are things the Church doesn’t have a position on." I detail 60 statements by church leaders on what causes homosexuality. On the scientific side, I discuss 32 separate subjects to juxtapose two opposing hypotheses for the causation of homosexual orientation: 1) biological factors such as genes and pre-natal hormones, and 2) factors such as infection, molestation, and choice. Some examples of the evidence addressed: homosexual men have, on average, measurably and significantly different ratios of the second to fourth digit of their hands than their heterosexual counterparts. The anterior commissure of their brains is gender shifted away from the heterosexual male norm and toward the heterosexual female norm. Their limb:trunk ratio is similarly gender-shifted, as is their performance on visio-spatial tasks, third interstitial nucleus (a region of the brain thought to be directive of male-type sexual behavior) size and density, left:right brain hemisphere ratio, brain response to sex pheromones, cochlear sound production, thalamic response to female faces, verbal abilities, physical aggressiveness, expressiveness, and childhood gender conformity to name just a few.

In chapter 3 I examine how changeable sexual orientation is by considering relevant church doctrines and looking at the empirical evidence on both sides.

In chapter 4 I show why homosexuals can reproduce, contrary to popular belief, and note that they are no different from inherently infertile heterosexual couples as to their reproductive capacity.

In chapter 5 I argue why, assuming for a moment that homosexual behavior is not sinful, it makes a lot of moral sense to support LDS same-sex marriage. For instance, I show how important family is to mortal experience and point out that celibacy does not provide a family experience, while same-sex marriage does.

Chapter 6 contains rebuttals to common anti- same-sex marriage arguments, many of which are deeply flawed.

Chapter 7 applies Elder Oaks's recent speech on the Constitution. Many church members have said that Judge Walker should not have heard the Perry v. Schwarzenegger (Prop 8) case, but instead should have let the voice of the people of California decide the matter. I show why this view is antithetical to our constitutional system of governance.

In closing, I explain my motivations for writing and make invitations to the reader.

Go ahead

Try and tell me that my nephew isn't adorable. He asked my sister to put in a yoga DVD and then he laid out a mat and did yoga for 20 minutes. He's three.

Also, as I was uploading the picture, I noticed the amount of purple in it. Appropriate, don't you think? Personally, I'm wearing more of an eggplant colored shirt. Eggplant counts, right?

If you are in Portland and looking for something to do tonight, this looks like it will be pretty interesting. Thanks to Ansley for the heads up.

Thomas Moore on morality

The unintegrated personality does not have the character strength to hold the tension, but tends to release one side of the tension in favor of the other side, which is favored due to safety, comfort, or familiarity.

There is evil in this world and in the human heart. If we don't recognize this, we have a naive attitude that can get us into trouble. Jung thought the soul could benefit by coming to terms with both kinds of shadow, losing some of its naive innocence in the process. It appears to me that as we open ourselves to see what our soul is made of and who we really are, we always find some material that is a profound challenge.

To some extent, care of the soul asks us to open our hearts wider than they have ever been before, softening the judging and moralism that may have characterized our attitudes and behavior for years. Moralism is one of the most effective shields against the soul, protecting us from its intricacy. There is nothing more revealing and maybe nothing more healing, than to reconsider our moralistic attitudes and find how much soul has been hidden behind their doors. People seem to be afraid that if they reflect on their moral principles they might lose their ethical sensitivity altogether. But that is a defensive approach to morality. As we deal with the soul's complexity, morality can deepen and drop its simplicity, becoming at the same time more demanding and more flexible

What question is being asked of you?

The following is an excerpt from the book Fate and Destiny by Michael Meade:

Each individual life is a specific question being asked of the world and the answer is not complete until the end of the road is reached.

It's like the story of the old rabbi who lay upon his deathbed as the final hour drew near. His name was Zushya and he had lived a long enough life. He was a holy man who had studied scholarly texts and taught others for many years. He ha become widely known and respected. More than that, he was revered and loved by his students for his honesty and for his wit.

Now that his time had come, his faithful students gathered around to share in his final moments. With characteristic honesty, the old teacher told his students the truth of this situation. He explained with the hour of death approaching he feared having to face God. "I am afraid," he said, "of God's final justice. I fear that I will be punished in the world to come."

The students were shocked; how could such a thing be possible? Their teacher was an exceptional religious leader who had taught them generously and guided them wisely. Now, the students began to reassure the teacher: "Rabbi, you are a pure and righteous man. You have shown the leadership of Abraham, the courage of Jacob, the vision of Moses, and the moral fortitude of the greatest prophets. What do you have to fear in facing God?"

With his final breath Zushya replied to his students, "I am not afraid that God will ask me, "Zushya, why were you not more like Abraham? Why were not not more like Moses? I can answer honestly that I did not have the god-given abilities of Abraham or the talents of Moses. But, if God asks me, "Zushya, why were you not more like Zushya? For that I have no answer at all!" In so saying, Zushya passed into the world that waits beyond this one.

We qualify for the next world by living uniquely and creatively in this one. The old teacher made his death meaningful and memorable by stating the case for the uniqueness of each life.

The saints and prophets, the great philosophers and wise teachers may be proper models for finding the paths of discovery, but each life must eventually become a revelation of itself. Simply imitating a Moses doesn't satisfy the question that the divine has for each soul. Living by religious rules and precepts can open a path of learning and development, but in the end no outer model can lead us all the way to becoming who we are at the core of ourselves.

Seen this way, the final judgment will not pivot upon doctrines or dogmas; for there is no theory or system that can substitute for a life unlived, for a story undeveloped, for a fate not faced, for a destiny not embraced. That's the final lesson, the last word, and essential wisdom that the good rabbi was honest enough to communicate with his final breath.

Moses began being Moses when he was placed in a basket and given to the river of life. Later, he knew how to part the waters and lead others from bondage to safety. The waters held both his fate and his destiny; the knowledge he needed was within him even when he was abandoned. The basket served as the particulars of his fate from which his destiny slowly unfolded. Didn't Noah become awash with dreams before he could receive divine instructions on how to fashion ships and survive floods? Each became a prophet in their own way and each is remembered for the way they became themselves.

Maybe Packer's talk was inspired after all

Yup. I just said that; however, I’m guessing that my reasons for thinking it was inspired are a little bit different than the reasons why many others thought it was inspired. For a while now, I’ve had this idea simmering in the back of my mind. I believe that God (or whoever/whatever you believe is in charge, assuming you believe something is in charge) uses all we are to carry out a divine plan, including our strengths, weaknesses, short-sightedness, prejudice. I believe he actually relies on everything we are to carry out that plan, including the strengths and weaknesses of those who lead the church.

I don’t want to attempt to dissect how much of Packer’s talk was pure inspiration from God, versus the result of his limitations as an imperfect mortal. To me, that’s what personal revelation is for. Elder Oaks once said, “I only teach the general rules. Whether an exception applies to you is your responsibility. You must work that out individually between you and the Lord.” What is more important to me now than the content of Packer’s talk is what the talk has sparked. Sure, it has sparked a lot of unproductive, condescending discussion coming from all sides, but I think it has also sparked a lot of thoughtful and productive conversations as well.

I know that in the past week, I had very productive conversations with my mom and my oldest sister. I feel like I was able to be more up front and honest and articulate about how I feel about the church’s approach to homosexuality and they’ve sought to understand where I’m coming from and I’ve done the same with them. I’ve also had friends reach out to me who aren’t totally comfortable taking everything Packer said without any kind of question or discussion, and want to have a well thought out and considerate response when people who aren’t Mormon ask what their thoughts are on the issue. They realize that if they just simply restate what Packer said, they are going to sound ridiculous.

I also observed a very civil and productive conversation that resulted when my uncle Mike posted something on Facebook. Mike is in the process of becoming a therapist and the discussion is between him and a couple of colleagues. They discuss reparative therapy and what the role of the therapist should be. They don’t all agree on everything, but the conversation is thoughtful and productive. I got permission from all involved in the conversation string to post a link to it here, because I think it is something worth reading. A lot of really great questions and ideas are explored. Below is what I contributed to the exchange:

This has been a fantastic conversation. I wish all discussions on the subject could be so respectful, open and as a result, more productive.

I am one who grew up in the LDS church and am also gay (and full disclosure: Mike is my uncle). For several years (close to a decade) I went the route of reparative therapy. I didn't really consider any other way as an option because of my religious beliefs. I firmly believed that I could and needed to change. After several years of attempting that route, and through a series of experiences, I realized a couple of things.

My attraction to men had not gone away and even though I enjoyed many close relationships with amazing women, I was developing absolutely no desire for it to be anything other than platonic. I tried to cross over into romantic relationships with a few women and it ended up being damaging to both of our psyches in each relationship.

Around this time, (a few years ago) I started seeing a therapist who helped me explore what I believed and why and what I wanted and why. This exploration helped me tease out what would be a viable approach for me. I began to realize that not only do I have agency to choose, but I also have agency to make meaning. I can decide for myself what it means for me to be gay and Mormon.

Currently that means that I'm pretty open about my sexuality and also currently active at church. Marrying a woman is off the table for me. I'm not in a relationship with a man, but I'm open to it. I don't seek it out. I just participate in things that interest me and if it happens, it happens. I have a group of other gay Mormon friends. Some of whom are active LDS, some who have left. One is currently married to a woman with two kids and one has a boyfriend. Before, l wouldn’t have associated with them because I believed it would undermine my end goal of becoming straight.

Since taking on this new approach, I've felt a resonance and rhythm flow into my adult life that I've never before experienced. To me, a good therapist is one who not only doesn't push his or her own agenda and presents different options, but also empowers the client to know that he or she doesn't necessarily need to rely on currently existing, well-trodden paths, but has the power within to make meaning and to make paths for themselves.

I’m not saying that Packer’s talk was fantastic and I fully embrace it now as being the mind and will of God. (Or I suppose that it isn't. I wouldn't assume that I know what's going on in God's head.) I’m just saying God works in mysterious ways. I know in my own life he’s worked in ways much more mysterious than I ever would have thought possible.

I see you

Some of you may have heard that there was a talk given by someone this past Sunday that has stirred up some spirited discussions. In all the response and discussion of the talk, one of the words that keeps coming up is choice. You can choose to change if only you have enough faith in God and the atonement. I think one of the most frustrating things for me is the way that the idea of choosing to change is casually thrown about as though it were merely a matter of choosing which pair of shoes to wear in the morning or choosing which route to take to work or choosing what kind of food is my favorite. It bothers me that it’s tossed about by people who haven’t walked in the shoes I chose to wear this morning.

I also think there are people who feel strongly that they actually have walked in my shoes. Perhaps he/she at some point might have experienced a passing curiosity in his/her own gender, but it wasn’t big and it wasn’t entertained and he/she moved on to relationships with the opposite sex that he/she found fulfilling. In that own person’s individual experience, it might have been as simple as just choosing not to go there. The problem is when a person takes his own experience and assumes that everyone else experiences things in exactly the same way.

I believe the way we experience sexuality and attraction differs from person to person. Some people experience no attraction whatsoever for anyone of the same gender. Some people might experience an attraction only to a limited number of people of their own gender. Some people might have just a subtle attraction to their own gender in general but a stronger attraction to the opposite gender. Some people are purely attracted to their own gender and attempting to change that can prove destructive. Some people experience it as more of an emotional experience while others might experience the sexual end more strongly. There are probably as many ways to experience attraction as there are people who populate this earth and assuming that everyone experiences it the same way you do leads to the terrible divisiveness and miscommunication that runs rampant in discussions on the topic.

I think the focus on change is a distraction from what would be a much more productive exercise: seeking to understand what the experience of the person in front of you is and has been and seeking to feel the love and understanding that their Creator has for them. Seeking to know them as their Creator knows them. What’s the greeting that the Na’avi people say to each other in Avatar? I see you? Do we really see the people around us? Or are we too busy trying to tell them who we think they should be based on our own limited life experiences.

I’m just as guilty of this as the next guy. Sometimes instead of seeing a person and having respect and compassion for where they are when it’s different from where I am, I waste a little too much energy being frustrated by the fact that they aren’t where I am or that they don’t think like I think. I find that my blood pressure goes down when I actually seek to understand where that person is coming from. That they feel just as passionately about what they are saying as I feel about what I’m saying. What they are saying is absolute truth to them and considering any other way of thinking is troublesome and threatening. When I don't go through this process of seeing the other person, the communication is awkward at it's very best and destructive at its worst. When I see the other person, my blood pressure goes down and I find I’m better able to respond in a more constructive and meaningful way.

The brethren make statements that homosexuals are welcome in the church, but I think reality speaks louder than those words. I’d be willing to bet that the reality is that there are more gay Mormons who choose not to participate in the church for reasons of self preservation than there are gay Mormons who choose to stick around. I think this reality is a result of all of us failing to really see each other.

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

-Naomi Shihab Nye

Are you there, Boyd?

There are lots of things I'd like to say about Packer's talk. For now though, I'll just post this with the hope that he reads my blog and watches this and that it melts his cold, dark and fearful heart.