Some of you may have heard that there was a talk given by someone this past Sunday that has stirred up some spirited discussions. In all the response and discussion of the talk, one of the words that keeps coming up is choice. You can choose to change if only you have enough faith in God and the atonement. I think one of the most frustrating things for me is the way that the idea of choosing to change is casually thrown about as though it were merely a matter of choosing which pair of shoes to wear in the morning or choosing which route to take to work or choosing what kind of food is my favorite. It bothers me that it’s tossed about by people who haven’t walked in the shoes I chose to wear this morning.
I also think there are people who feel strongly that they actually have walked in my shoes. Perhaps he/she at some point might have experienced a passing curiosity in his/her own gender, but it wasn’t big and it wasn’t entertained and he/she moved on to relationships with the opposite sex that he/she found fulfilling. In that own person’s individual experience, it might have been as simple as just choosing not to go there. The problem is when a person takes his own experience and assumes that everyone else experiences things in exactly the same way.
I believe the way we experience sexuality and attraction differs from person to person. Some people experience no attraction whatsoever for anyone of the same gender. Some people might experience an attraction only to a limited number of people of their own gender. Some people might have just a subtle attraction to their own gender in general but a stronger attraction to the opposite gender. Some people are purely attracted to their own gender and attempting to change that can prove destructive. Some people experience it as more of an emotional experience while others might experience the sexual end more strongly. There are probably as many ways to experience attraction as there are people who populate this earth and assuming that everyone experiences it the same way you do leads to the terrible divisiveness and miscommunication that runs rampant in discussions on the topic.
I think the focus on change is a distraction from what would be a much more productive exercise: seeking to understand what the experience of the person in front of you is and has been and seeking to feel the love and understanding that their Creator has for them. Seeking to know them as their Creator knows them. What’s the greeting that the Na’avi people say to each other in Avatar? I see you? Do we really see the people around us? Or are we too busy trying to tell them who we think they should be based on our own limited life experiences.
I’m just as guilty of this as the next guy. Sometimes instead of seeing a person and having respect and compassion for where they are when it’s different from where I am, I waste a little too much energy being frustrated by the fact that they aren’t where I am or that they don’t think like I think. I find that my blood pressure goes down when I actually seek to understand where that person is coming from. That they feel just as passionately about what they are saying as I feel about what I’m saying. What they are saying is absolute truth to them and considering any other way of thinking is troublesome and threatening. When I don't go through this process of seeing the other person, the communication is awkward at it's very best and destructive at its worst. When I see the other person, my blood pressure goes down and I find I’m better able to respond in a more constructive and meaningful way.
The brethren make statements that homosexuals are welcome in the church, but I think reality speaks louder than those words. I’d be willing to bet that the reality is that there are more gay Mormons who choose not to participate in the church for reasons of self preservation than there are gay Mormons who choose to stick around. I think this reality is a result of all of us failing to really see each other.
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Love the post Jon, and I very much agree. I also think there is an issue with what the definition of “change” really is. To me, “change” would require me going from homosexual to heterosexual – which I do think is impossible (I say that meaning I think it is impossible for me, but I also think it is impossible for someone who experiences homosexual attraction to the same “degree” as I would say I do…).
ReplyDeleteBut I wonder if that is what BKP meant. I’m in no way jumping to his defense here, but with all the current church teaching, policies, and documents regarding “SSA,” I find it hard to believe that even BKP believes sexual orientation is CHANGEABLE according to my first definition.
I think he might define change as “changing BEHAVIOR.” Sure… we can all change our behavior. We are all in control of our own behavior. But those of us who have lived like that realize that while we can deny ourselves the outward displays of our orientation, that doesn’t change the orientation itself, and usually leads to more negativity turned internally (IE, depression, repression, feelings of failure, etc.).
So even this second definition – while doable – is almost impossible to maintain. No one would legitimately CHOOSE to cause themselves pain and suffering. When our entire life experience tells us one thing, and the church tells us we should be feeling another (oh the great happiness the gospel brings...), there comes a time when we lose trust in those claiming that pain and misery are the only one true way to happiness in this life or the next. Once we lose that trust, what is the point in DOING even the possible “change?”
And that is my whole issue with Packer’s talk. I can’t trust what he says because what I experience – my reality – something he cannot change – tells me that regardless how much I want what he says to be true, it isn’t a workable solution.
I was going to say basically the same thing that GS said above: that BK wasn't talking about changing your orientation but choosing a different behavior. Faith won't change you, but through faith you can change what you do. Just as you are living right now. And please don't forget that there is so much more than this mortality. This isn't even close to what our reality will be. Definitely a leap of faith to sacrifice one choice for another in the name of eternity.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughts, Gay Saint and Mandi. I was talking more about the discussion I've seen after the talk. I think there are still a lot of people who believe that the orientation itself isn't an orientation but something that can be fixed. I've had priesthood leaders in the fairly recent past promise me that if I date girls and and get married to one that I will develop and attraction to them. I don't necessarily think that BKP was saying that, I was just talking about discussions I've seen about his talk. To be quite honest though, I don't think it's perfectly clear that he's *not* saying that the orientation is changeable.
ReplyDeletei do think we just need to have alot more understanding for eachother and our lives and feelings and experiences. i like the shoe analogy. to me it was more like, not only do people act like they can walk a mile in your shoes when they havent, its that they dont know what brand they are or where you got them. so, they know what its like. not saying i do either, i'm straight and i dont know what its like to be gay. but i do know enough to ask, and to care, and to try.
ReplyDeletei see you jon :) in a james cameron and not a stalker way.
Jon: Agreed with your last comment 100%...
ReplyDeleteExcellent discussion. I don't envision my sexual and emotional attraction to men ever going away. For me, It can be diminished or increased by certain thoughts and/or behaviors. I am able to have my need for male intimacy met in non sexual ways and function happily in a heterosexual marriage.
ReplyDeleteBecause we are all unique, I don't presuppose that my path is necessarily desirable or possible for anyone else. God loves each of us and respects our agency. If we are truly his disciples, we should do the same.
I see you Jon.
ReplyDeleteSomeday perhaps there will be a critical mass of leaders and members of the church who will have eyes to see and ears to hear as well. They don't need to agree. They just need to see and hear.
You're one of the best people I know and I'm forever grateful, honored and blessed to be your friend.
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ReplyDeleteI'm afraid that we have to take BKP at face value. He really does believe that being SSA or gay is just a choice. He thinks that if anyone chooses to be straight they can be, simple as that. God surely didn't make us that way. He's been harping on it for at least 50 years that I can personally remember (I'm old).
ReplyDeleteI was privileged to be in his home when I was a teenager and a new convert to the Church. He was a mission president at the time. I looked up to him and thought someday he will be President of the Church.
Shortly thereafter and through the years since, his stern addresses to the homosexual and misbehaving heterosexual youth of the church became a source of much pain and anguish in my life. I have never really gotten over it. I guess I never had enough faith.
Empathy First.
ReplyDeleteWonderfully well-written, Jon, as always. I think what you've said here is exactly why it can be so tricky to have 12 people leading 12 million. You get 12 viewpoints, some of which are nearly identical on many subjects. Adding to that the likelihood/tendency for a large percentage of those 12 million to base their beliefs and opinions, not on their own understanding or findings, but on the opinions and beliefs of these 12 men.
ReplyDeleteViewing somebody else's experience through a borrowed lens...it's never going to feel true, though it may feel right/justifiable.
It's not the rule, but it just seems to be the mode.
Excellent Post Jon! I wish more people would see it that way.
ReplyDeleteAdon, I'm sorry for your pain an anguish. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
ReplyDeleteGeoffwah, well said. Allowing ourselves to view things strictly through the lense of another instead of taking something in, tasting it, and seeing how we personally feel can stunt our spiritual growth.
Mark 10:21 "Then Jesus beholding him loved him." Favorite scripture ever. Interesting too how "behold" is one of the most repeated words in scripture. that seems to be one of the most powerful aspects of Christ's nature AND of his choices. wow, I love my Jesus.
ReplyDeleteI see you and I love you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I feel the same way Pablo does, blessed to have you in my life as both a friend and a teacher.