going to church with my boyfriend

Last night, the choir I sing with put on a concert at the First Congregational United Church of Christ in Portland (pictured above).  After the concert, Ryan and I decided it would be interesting to attend Sunday services.  A big part of the reason for me wanting to attend is that it's a gorgeous church with a fantastic organ and beautiful stained glass windows.  I kind of wish Mormon churches weren't so cookie cutter and utilitarian.  There's something about worshiping in a beautiful space that's so much more appealing to me.  Another reason for wanting to attend is that it's a progressive Christian church and is up front in its messaging about being LGBT friendly.  As I've thought about it, it's interesting (read: sad) that churches need to specify that they are welcoming to diversity.  I'm sure the LDS church would say that it also welcomes diversity, but maybe doesn't realize how some of their actions/messaging speak louder to the contrary.

I haven't really attended many other church services in my life.  I went to a Catholic funeral in high school and I went to maybe one or two evangelical church services on my mission in Brazil, but that's about it.  Possibly one of the my favorite parts of the service was singing happy birthday to Agnes, who turned 95 today.  Agnes was beaming and held up both hands and waved at everyone.  Completely precious.  The music was also so much better.  Having a professional play a real organ with guest musicians playing Vivaldi and Dvorak in a string quartet didn't hurt.  It was also nice that any time politics crept into the shared messages, it was politics that I agreed with.  I'm used to cringing or bracing myself any time politics comes up in talks or lessons at church.  It was also just nice to be at church with my boyfriend.  My (Mormon) bishop has told me that Ryan is welcome to come to church with me, which is nice, but there's something about the idea of being there with him and knowing that many or most of my fellow ward members would consider the relationship inherently broken, unhealthy or sinful that doesn't sound appealing.  It was nice to be with him in a church setting that sees the relationship as just as good and healthy as any other relationship.

I suppose it sounds like I'm ready to ditch Mormonism for the UCC.  I wouldn't say that.  There is some bizarre (and perhaps masochistic) part of myself that enjoys swimming upstream in Mormonism.  I also think there is some richness and mystery to Mormon theology that isn't present elsewhere.  I guess my approach to truth could be summed up in the following excerpt from one of Joseph Smith's sermons: "Have the Presbyterians any truth?  Embrace that.  Have the Baptists, Methodists and so forth?  Embrace that.  Get all the good in the world, and you will come out a pure Mormon."

home

"A strong community helps people develop a sense of true self, for only in community can the self exercise and fulfill its nature: giving and taking, listening and speaking, being and doing. But when community unravels and we lose touch with one another, the self atrophies and we lose touch with ourselves as well. Lacking opportunities to be ourselves in a web of relationships, our sense of self disappears, leading to behaviors that further fragment our relationships and spread the epidemic of inner emptiness." -Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness

It's not uncommon for people to ask me why I still go to church (As though I even understand all the reasons. I like the question though because it causes me to revisit and rethink). I think this quote explains in part why I go. 

I realize that it's possible to find a "web of relationships" in a multitude if places that challenges me and causes me to grow and develop, but in the church I'm able to find a web that helps me wrestle with things that are important to me: my spiritual life, the growth and development of my soul, the connection between my mortal existence and whatever is out there that tells me what more there is to me than just a collection of skin and bones. 

Again, I could probably find those opportunities elsewhere but I suppose it all comes down to the fact that Mormonism has formed my foundation and so in spite of its annoying cultural eccentricities, it still feels like home.

relationships as a mirror

The benefit of having a blog that is at times a journal is being able to go back and see snapshots of where I’ve been. About a year and a half ago I wrote a post about how I decided that I wanted to go to vulnerable places. Based on limited experiences I’d had being in a relationship with serious romantic undertones (it was a romantic relationship but it wasn’t because I wasn’t allowing myself to have those), I knew how much I’d learned from it and I knew that even though there was a lot of pain involved, I wanted to do it some more. I said, “Based on my limited experience, being in an intimate relationship with someone you are completely attracted to stirs up insecurities like nothing else can. It takes you to the most vulnerable of places and provides opportunities to learn about yourself and grow as a result, in a way that nothing else can. I want to go there.”


And I did! Five months to the day that I wrote that post, I told a cute guy with big brown eyes that I liked him and he said he liked me and we decided to give it a shot. In another post (which I won’t link to because it’s one of those posts that you write when you’re in love and then are kind of embarrassed about it after the fact), I said the relationship was liking walking into a dimly lit room and having a vague sense that the room is beautiful but it’s confirmed as the sun rises and light floods the room. (Give me a break, I was trying to explain what I was experiencing and it was all fairly new to me.)

Anyway, the relationship over the better part of the last year has been fairly easy, to the point that I half wondered if a good relationship wouldn’t include vulnerable places. (HA!) Probably part of the ease was because we’re both really nice guys who tend avoid confronting difficulties or tensions that arise in a relationship. Not that we ignored them altogether. It’s just that we’re both kind of new at this and we probably weren’t giving them the attention they needed. And now after a year we’re more comfortable, or see the need, to push back and stake out our individual places within the relationship, and address aspects of the relationship that we feel need addressing.

Enter, for me, the vulnerable places. I think Eugene England once compared relationships to a mirror. I couldn’t find what he said exactly, and to be honest, I’m pretty sure he wasn’t the first or the last to make that comparison, but that idea resonates with me. Being in close relationship with someone to whom you are wholly attracted and with whom you are honest, has a way of teasing out insecurities and unresolved issues. A year and a half ago I asked for vulnerable places, and I got them.

Fortunately for me, I have a team of a handful of ladies who have much more experience than I do to consult with, my Relationship Board of Directors, as my friend KaRyn once called her own team of consultants. These are ladies who listen and ask questions and send me Walt Whitman poems and generally get me back to home base. They help me remember that these issues aren’t best approached with fear but with mindfulness and awareness of and patience with what I’m experiencing.

the result of being big in a place of tension

I believe that when we keep in mind the ideas espoused in the following quotes, constructive conversations like this can happen.

"By size I mean the stature of your soul, the range and depth of your love, your capacity for relationships.  I mean the volume of life you can take into your being and still maintain your integrity and individuality, the intensity and variety of outlook you can entertain in the unity of your being without feeling defensive or insecure.  I mean the strength of your spirit to encourage others to become freer in the development of their diversity  and uniqueness.  I mean the power to sustain more complex and enriching tensions.  I mean the magnanimity of concern to provide conditions that enable others to increase in stature." - Bernard Loomer

"From international relations to what goes on in the workplace to raising a teenager, we find ourselves living between reality and possibility, between what is and what could and should be.  But if we are willing actively to "hang in there" with a country, a colleague, or a child - holding the unresolved tension between reality and possibility and inviting something new into being - we have a chance to participate in the evolution of a better reality.  Standing in the gap is challenging, but the alternatives are irresponsible.  One is to fall out on the side of too much reality and into corrosive cynicism.  The other is to fall out on the side of too much possibility and into irrelevant idealism.  Both take us out of the action.  But if we are willing to stand between the poles, refusing to fallout, we have a chance to play a life-giving role in the development of a new child, a work-place, or a world that needs to grow into "the better angels of our nature." - Parker Palmer

Confronting What We Don't Know

Have you ever stopped to consider the enormity of what you don’t know?  Or what about the things that you don’t even know you don’t know?  Overwhelming, right?  There’s a certain amount of comfort that comes with believing I know much more than I actually do, in being able to wrap difficult and complex issues up into neat and tidy little packages.  Our minds often tend to gravitate away from ambiguity and towards resolution.  What happens though, when we move towards resolution too quickly, before we’ve allowed ourselves to more fully explore something?  What truths do we end up missing out on by not remaining suspended in a space filled with the tension of two opposing ideas, not knowing, asking questions, as opposed to immediately gravitating towards one side, towards resolution?  And how can a failure to patiently hold and consider the tension of two opposing ideas lead to breakdowns in conversations with those who see things differently?

Historian James Harvey Robinson said, “Partisanship is our great curse.  We too readily assume that everything has two sides and that it is our duty to be on one or the other.”  What happens if instead we allow ourselves to remain suspended between perceived sides, drinking in what good we are able to find in each one?  What if we approach our conversations with others less like a zero sum game of winner takes all and more like a process of discovery?  How can our mutual willingness to question and explore together rather than merely state our opinions as facts lead to greater truth and understanding?

Dieter Uchtdorf of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints expressed the value of this questioning and exploratory state in a talk he gave at a recent leadership training conference:

Brothers and sisters, as good as our previous experience may be, if we stop asking questions, stop thinking, stop pondering, we can thwart the revelations of the Spirit.  Remember, it was the questions young Joseph asked that opened the door for the restoration of all things.  We can block the growth and knowledge our Heavenly Father intends for us.  How often has the Holy Spirit tried to tell us something we needed to know but couldn’t get past the massive iron gate of what we thought we already knew?

In a recent post, I made brief mention of some scriptures in the Doctrine and Covenants about studying things out in our minds and also about not being compelled in all things, but acting.  I talked about how we have to proactively go out on our own spiritual journeys, much like Joseph Smith did, and seek truth.

It occurs to me again and again that the reconciliation of homosexuality with spirituality and our conversations about that process is one of many areas that could benefit from an approach of openness, patience, humility, courage and thoughtfulness that comes through in the scriptures and quotes I’ve mentioned above.  Taylor Petrey is someone who has contributed in such a way to this reconciliation conversation and process.  Petrey is assistant professor of religion at Kalamazoo College and recently gave the keynote address at the Compassionate Cause symposium that was held last month at the University of Washington.

In his keynote address, Petrey laid out a pretty thorough exploration of the LDS Church’s approach to and perception of homosexuality throughout its history, with a more specific focus on the past 50 to 60 years.  His remarks seemed important to me because I think we often assume that current attitudes and approaches are as they always have been.  We too easily forget where we’ve been, how that has contributed to wounds and divides that exist today and how we’ve evolved.  Historical context is important to more fully understand what we’re faced with today as we study these things out in our minds.  You can read his remarks, or if you’re more the type that likes to watch and listen, you can do that here. (Or you can knock yourself out and do all of the above at the same time!)

Petrey also wrote a very thoughtful paper for the Winter 2011 edition of Dialogue: A Journal of Mormon Thoughtentitled “Toward a Post-Heterosexual Mormon Theology.”  As he says at the beginning of the paper, it’s meant to be a thought experiment and not a statement of church doctrine or even a suggestion of what church doctrine should be.  As I was reading it, it felt very much like he was loosening and tilling the hardened soil of what we think we know about not just sexuality, but also about gender, gender roles, procreation, the purpose of relationships, etc.  Sometimes we project the way we experience our mortal lives onto the heavens and eternity, instead of seeking to inform and enrich our mortal experiences with instruction from heaven or the divine.

We live in a fallen world, don’t we?  Is it possible that we don’t understand all there is to know about gender and its eternal role?  Is how we experience attraction in our limited physical bodies an accurate representation of how we’ll experience it as glorified and perfected celestial beings?  And what role will that play in how we experience relationships with others?  What physical characteristics will follow us to the next life?  Will women be in a constant cycle of gestating spiritual baby after spiritual baby every nine months?  To how many women does that sound appealing?

As you can see, the questions begin to mount.  I know, I know, just put them on a shelf and trust in God.  How long is that a viable and effective strategy though?  What are we missing out on by not allowing ourselves to wrestle with these questions?  Can we expect God to just hand us the answers if we’re not willing to wrestle with these questions ourselves and together?

Again, if you’re more of the listening type as opposed to the reading type, you can also listen to a discussion of Petrey’s paper on this podcast from Mormon Matters.  The host, Don Wotherspoon, moderates a discussion of the paper with Petrey and Kristine Haglund, Dialogue editor.

This excerpt from a recent press release from the LDS Newsroom also sums up beautifully how we can not only benefit from exploring and wrestling with the realities faced by those who are gay and Mormon, but also how it is incumbent upon us to do so:

Mormons welcome truth from whatever source and take the pragmatic view that where religion and science seem to clash, it is simply because there are insufficient data to reconcile the two. Latter-day Saints approach such tensions as challenges to learn, not contradictions to avoid.

This productive tension can enrich both mind and heart. All understanding, whether spiritual or rational, is worked out in constant questioning and discovery. The Prophet Joseph Smith said, “By proving contraries, truth is made manifest.”  Latter-day Saints do not expect God to simply hand down information. He expects us to wrestle with the complications of life through prayerful searching and sound thinking. “You must study it out in your mind,” Mormon scripture teaches, and then answers will come. This pattern of inquiry opens Mormons to expanding spiritual possibilities.

I’m convinced that there is more knowledge and understanding to be had with regards to these important topics that will come to us if we will allow ourselves to sit with the seemingly dissonant identities of being gay and being Mormon.  If we sit with the tension with a spirit of humility and curiosity, instead of jumping quickly to conclusions, I believe our conversations will improve and the knowledge and understanding will begin to flow more easily.  We just need to be willing to thoughtfully hold and listen to our own as well as each other’s stories and experiences and carefully explore and talk about the reconciliation between sexuality and spirituality with open hearts, well tilled soil and iron gates thrown wide open.

a trailer and a fundraiser

We now have a trailer for Far Between.  As stated in the trailer, "Ultimately this film isn't just for homosexual Mormons, it's not about preaching to the choir or the converted, it's for anyone who feels like their life circumstances don't perfectly reconcile with their religious aspirations."  I believe everyone can benefit from exploring the questions that the film explores.  We all benefit by concerning ourselves with the questions, doubts, concerns, and uncomfortable realities of those around us. 

Through more than a year of interviews and research, we've covered our costs primarily through self-financing and donated time. To help finance this documentary that we believe will legitimately contribute to the conversation about the experience of being homosexual and Mormon, we've initiated a 40-day fundraising drive with a goal of raising $75,000 to pay for the next phase. Please donate as much as you are able to help bring this conversation to as many people as possible.

you guys, AC360 is gay

It's interesting to see the way that Anderson Cooper has chosen to come out as gay.  As Andrew Sullivan tells it, he and Anderson were having an email exchange about how celebrities are coming out these days, that it isn't as newsworthy as it once was and it's done in more of a muted, subdued fashion.  As a matter of fact, Anderson gave Andrew permission to publish Anderson's email in his column at The Daily Beast, in essence officially "coming out."  I don't think it was really a surprise to most.  I think most people knew that he had a boyfriend, right?  Or maybe it's just gay men who have crushes from afar and watch him get spray tans with Snooki or watch AC360 clips of him giggling over and over again who knew it?  If you were genuinely surprised to hear that he was gay, you should comment and say so.  I'm curious if anyone was surprised.  (I also realize that it's entirely possible that you haven't even really thought about it at all and don't care whether Anderson Cooper is gay.) 

I do like to see the shift in how people are coming out and how it's received by the public.  I like that it is becoming less newsworthy.  I remember when I first came out.  If I told anyone at all, it involved a very lengthy and dramatic conversation that clarified that even though I felt that way, I was going to fix it so everything would be ok.  And I never used the word gay.

It was interesting to see how that shifted as I started coming out in the young single adult ward (congregation) I attended up until a year and a half ago.  I remember coming out to my friend Courtney.  She had just recently moved to Portland and started attending the YSA ward.  She brought me an easter treat and I invited her in and we sat on my couch and talked and in the course of the conversation I told her I was gay.  I remember feeling so proud of myself because it wasn't something that I had planned to do (I usually knew well in advance when I was going to tell people and exactly how I was going to tell them.)  It just happened in the normal flow of the conversation and it felt good.

For the most part now, it just comes out in casual conversation.  Or as casual as the conversation can be when someone in your ward introduces himself and then insists repeatedly on setting you up with a woman he knows. 

safety not guaranteed

I saw this movie last night and really liked it.  It's got a fantastically creative story with some great writing and really great characters.





Unfortunately for you though, when you see it you probably won't have the added bonus of having Ryan sitting next to you and giggling every time the guy in the back seat so much as appears on screen.

far between has a blog!

The Far Between website now has a blog which will have new posts each week.  I will be contributing regularly to the blog, as will a handful of other people who are all thoughtful, articulate humans.  The following is from the introductory post for the blog:

Throughout the process of creating Far Between, it's been apparent that the tone of conversations about the experience of being homosexual and Mormon greatly affects how people view themselves and respond to their situations.  As part of Far Between's effort to engage more constructive and helpful conversations, the Far Between Blog is not only a source of project updates and opportunities but a place to share examples of conversations and lessons learned.

Blog authors will share experiences and thoughts from internal, interpersonal, and community conversations around homosexuality and Mormonism.  Weekly posts will include narration, deconstruction, and results from their own introspection, interpersonal conversations, and public discussions such as news media and panel forums.

In addition to sharing your own stories, we invite readers to join us in practicing empathy-centered conversation by subscribing to Far Between, reading and commenting on new blog posts every week, and joining or starting conversatinos in your respective communities, whether online or geographical. 

We see individuals and organizations increasingly engaging and changing environments and lives for the better.  We offer the Far Between blog as one way you can join in filling the gulf many feel between the conceptions or experiences around homosexuality and Mormonism with constructive love and compassionate communication.

My first post is up!  Come read and comment and participate in the conversation.

let's talk about you and me

I recently read a response to Josh Weed's story at Single Dad Laughing.  Dan Pearce, the author of SDL, also wrote a post called I'm Christian Unless You're Gay that made the rounds on the interwebz a while back.  I've only read these two posts on this blog, but from what I've read, Dan seems pretty thoughtful and articulate.  For me, the most powerful part of the post is the first half or so where he talks about his own experience of questioning his own sexuality.  You should read at least that much. 

Long story short though, through the course of two marriages that ended in divorce with awkward physical intimacy with both wives, Dan thought he might be gay or asexual.  He mostly thought he was asexual because sex wasn't that great with his wives, but he also wasn't turned on by men.  Also, he had several people who were close to him ask him if he was gay.  He signed up for a dating site, probably partially as an experiment, and looked at and contacted both men and women on the site.  Long story short (again), he noticed and listened to his reactions to his online interactions.  Here's how he describes it:

I sent some emails to both women and men. And every time I'd get a reply from a pretty girl, I'd get all excited.  Yet every time I got a reply from a guy (no matter how attractive he was), it felt unnatural and uncomfortable to me.  At one point, one of the guys wrote back and said something about loving to kiss and snuggle; and that felt so intrusive to my core sexuality that I couldn't even permit myself to mentally go there.  That's when I realized...Dan...you're as straight as a balance beam.

Read the first half of the post to get a better sense for how much he questioned his sexuality.  That isn't the point of my post.  The point of my post is this: it is so rare (and therefore so refreshing when it does happen) to hear someone talk so openly and honestly about their sexuality and the questions they've entertained about their sexuality.  I believe that it is through us being open and honest with our own experience of sexuality and piecing our experiences respectfully together with the experiences of others (especially when the stories of others seem to threaten or contradict our own), that we will begin to understand the nature of our attractions and what they are and the role they play in our eternal selves and why there is such a variety of ways that people experience attraction.  (Which is why I think Far Between is such an important project)

I get why people tell their stories in absolutes or in hyperbolized or exaggerated ways.  It feels much safer to stake our tent far away the stories of those with whom we disagree.  "Josh Weed's story is not my own.  He's delusional and here's why."  "The hedonistic ways of those who live the gay lifestyle support the idea that same sex relationships are inherently unhealthy and sinful."  We paint our own story in stark contrast to that of others through the use of stereotypes and hyperbole.  It feels much safer to put the "other" on the the other side of town instead of considering how Josh Weed or Dan Savage might have something interesting to contribute to how I understand my own experience, even if I might disagree with some or even a lot of what they say.

The other reason I liked Dan's recounting of questioning his sexuality is because I could relate to it.  I remember distinct experiences where I tried to pay attention to what I was feeling towards women in very specific instances to detect if there was any hint of physical attraction.  I remember early on, shortly after I moved to Portland, having something like a crush on a girl in the young single adult ward (or congregation if you're not Mormon).  She seemed pretty strong and independent and vocal with her opinions.  She also seemed to have a pretty good sense of humor.  I remember hanging out in somebody's bedroom with her and a few other people at an Oscar's viewing party, feeling very attracted to who she was and convincing myself that there was also a physical attraction. 

I started dating her shortly after that.  I quickly learned that being attracted to who she was not the same as being fully attracted to her.  With her and with all the women I dated, it wasn't just that the physical side of the relationships wasn't fulfilling to me.  I was completely repulsed by it.  I remember wondering how long I would have to kiss to be convincing enough.  It took a toll on me and I know it took a toll on the women I dated as well.  About six or seven years ago is when I decided to stop dating women.  Ever since then though, I'll occassionally engage in thought experiments much like what Dan describes in his post. 

A few years ago, I remember watching the Oscars with my friend K.  (Ha!  What is it with me questioning my sexuality during the Oscars??)  I am attracted to K in about every way possible.  I remember sitting next to her on the couch and having a thought experiement, wondering if there was anything more there.  I felt the same thing.  It just felt gross.  The same feeling I'd get if you asked me to make out with one of my sisters.  (Ok, maybe that's a double gross)  I've come to realize that for me, the gross factor is such that it would be highly irresonsible of me to try and pursue a romantic relationship and a marriage with a woman. 

Another thing I've noticed while reading Dan's response to Josh Weed's story is that there seems to be an odd discussion of/fascination with numbers.  Number of mixed orientation marriages (MOM's) that fail versus the number that succeed.  "There are tens of thousands of MOM's that fail and this is proof that they are bad and shouldn't be entered into" or "well there are lots and lots of MOM's that succeed that people don't know about because those people quietly go about their lives and don't talk about it."  It's as though the final verdict of whether MOM's are good or not rests on how many couples stay together versus how many end up divorced.  To me, it doesn't matter how many of either there are.  I'm more interested in gleaning from each individual story what I can to help me understand my own experience and give me some insight for carving out a story the works for me and helps me discover and live my own potential.

a gay mormon moment

The last year or two has been called a Mormon moment by some.  If that's true, then the past couple of months have been a gay Mormon moment.  I remember the old days when stories like this one and this one would have made the rounds with other gay Mormons, but would have stopped there.  Remember when it was like pulling teeth to get anyone who wasn't directly affected by homosexuality to care enough to educate themselves?  Or maybe it was because we were too afraid or ashamed to bring it up.  Certainly, not everyone was though.  Either way, it's fantastic (and a little surreal) to see not just other Mormons, but national media getting involved in discussing the intersection of Mormonism and homosexuality in thoughtful ways. 

If you want a pretty thorough and fair exploration of what's been happening in the world of gay Mormons lately, check out this Slate article.  It also links to other articles in The New York Times and The Washington Post.  Joanna Brooks has also done some write ups at Religion Dispatches about Mormons marching in gay pride parades.  Check them out. 

Also of interest is Taylor Petrey's paper in Dialogue called Toward a Post-Heterosexual Mormon Theology.  This one has been out for a while, but I only read it recently and Ryan and I listened to the Mormon Matters podcast in which Taylor and Kristine Haglund (who I've been fast developing a crush on) discuss the paper.  Both the paper and the podcast are excellent.  As Taylor says near the beginning of his paper, it is a "thought experiement on the question of how Mormons might imagine different kinds of sealing releationships other than hetersexual marriage.  Such an experiment neither constitutes Church doctrine no intends to advocate itself as Church doctrine.  Rather, this essay provides an occasion to think critically about the intellectual and theological problems posed by the reality of alternative relationships outside of heterosexual norms."

I think the paper and podcast are both incredibly helpful because I think they serve to break up the hardened, calcified soil of what we think we know about gender, sexuality and their eternal role.  I really wish more people would be willing to allow themselves to embark on these types of thought experiments.  I believe that's when revelation comes.  Not when we assume we have the fullness of truth and that there is no more knowledge or insight to be gotten.  

Also, I haven't seen this getting much attention yet, but I think it's probably the most important link in this post.  It's easy to get caught up in discussion of current events and theology, etc.  The reality though, is that there are youth/young adults who are caught in the middle of a very intense struggle who question their worth and question the value of their own lives.  The link is to a booklet published by Caitlin Ryan and Bob Rees.  Dr. Ryan has done a lot of research about what hurts and what helps same sex attracted youth in their interactions with their families after coming out.  As it turns out, LGBT kids who are rejected by their families are much more likely to struggle with depression, commit suicide, abuse drugs, and engage in other risky behavior.  Bob Rees is a former bishop and has long been involved in reaching out to gay members of the church long before most other people wanted to talk about it.  He helped Dr. Ryan adapt her research to LDS families and I have to say, they did a great job of making this palatable to Mormons almost anywhere along the belief spectrum.  This is vital reading for any Mormon parent, whether you have gay children or not.  There's just good advice for how to have a better relationship with any of your children when discussing any kind of sensitive issue.  

That is all.  If you read nothing else, just read the booklet by Ryan and Rees. 

Also, I can't stop eating tomato basil wheat thins and cottage cheese. 

just. watch this.

This is how it's done in Portland.

it's so nice to meet you (or taking your boyfriend to utah)

Ryan and I went to Utah last weekend for my friend Ellie's wedding.  The weekend was short and packed and lovely.  I got to introduce Ryan to my family and vice versa.  He also met some of my friends and I met more of his family.  It's kind of a right of passage.  Bringing someone you love and care about to meet the people who have made up the pieces of your life.  To give your significant other a broader and deeper view into who you are. 

It all went quite well.  I'm really fortunate with my family.  If you were to sit them down and press them, they'd tell you that they believe same gender relationships of the romantic variety are wrong.  Maybe not in those exact words, but that general idea.  However, I think most were genuinely excited to meet Ryan.  Several of them expressed it in the weeks leading up to our visit.  We kept it casual, a BBQ with the family at my parents' house.  They did a really great job at welcoming Ryan and making him feel comfortable.  No one broke out the Bible to read from Leviticus.  Also, the fabric of society still seems to be in tact.  We tried not to leave a mess of broken families deciding they want to get gay married in our wake.  I think we were largely successful in that regard.

Friday we had lunch with Kendall.  We did a little exploring at the new City Creek Mall afterwards, but I could feel it sapping the life from us, so I suggested we go lie on the grass in the sun somehwere.  We ended up on Kendall's sleeping bag in Liberty Park talking about big ideas and using words like phenomenological.  Well, it was mostly Kendall using that word and me gently poking fun.  I realized how much I enjoy introducing people's minds and then sitting back and watching them enjoy each other's minds.  (That kind of sounds like we got dirty there in Liberty Park, but it was all family friendly.  Promise.) 

Friday evening was a family dinner for the wedding at the Garden Park Chapel in SLC.  Have you ever been there?  The grounds were gorgeous.  If I went to church there, I'd probably just opt for sitting out by the pond.  Yeah.  This chapel has a pond.  The interior is just as lovely.

After the dinner, we met up with friends at Bruges to wish Dan and Ryan well as they were about to move across the country to Maryland. 

Saturday was a day of eating.  We started out by going to breakfast with Ryan's uncle, then we drove to Provo and had lunch #1 with some of Ryan's siblings.  For lunch #2, we ate with my friends Ninny Beth, her new husband, Krisanne and Freyja.  We ate at Communal and the food and conversation were lovely.  Ninny and Krisanne told Ryan about when I came out to them and how surprised they were and Ryan wondered how they couldn't have known.  Ryan told them how he thought I had a screw loose when he first knew me.  Again, introducing minds is one my most favorite things. 

We ended our gluttonous day at the ring ceremony and reception, which had a panini bar and like half a dozen different kinds of cake.  We took it upon ourselves to try every single cake and decide which ones we liked the most. 

I didn't get to see and introduce Ryan to everyone I wanted to, but our time was limited and I didn't want to completely overwhelm him, only just kind of. 

the sky

You guys, it's true what you've heard.  It rains a lot in Portland.  For a good chunk of the year, gray skies are pretty much a constant.  I actually enjoy the rain though, so Portland and I get along well together.  Plus, in the spring you get more sun breaks scattered in with the rain and more cumulonimbus clouds, and it makes for lots of beauty in the skies.  I've kind of been obsessed with the sky this spring, which you may have picked up on if you follow me on Instagram.  If you don't, here are some of the shots I've taken in the last couple of months.

the problem with celibacy

I remember a while back having a conversation with another active and orthodox member of the church after Sacrament meeting about the gays.  My friend made the point that the brethren have said that we welcome and love those who are same sex attracted.  She asked why then some are still so angry at the church and why they don't continue to or come back to attend church meetings and participate in the community of saints.  I realize that if you are reading this and you are gay and are or have been Mormon, odds are you are laughing out loud and asking where to start listing the reasons why.  It was a sincere question though and so I thought the question deserved a sincere response. 

I don't remember exactly what I said, but it wasn't too long after Prop 8, so I think I said something along the lines that although that type of sentiment had been expressed here and there on occasion by a leader of the church, the lion's share of the church's focus and energy put into anything related to homosexuality was in the political arena fighting against same sex marriage.  Actions speak louder than words and the message of "we love you and you are welcome here" was far over shadowed by the church's involvement in the politics of same sex marriage. 

Of course there are several other reasons why those who are gay and Mormon choose not to participate or affiliate with the church any longer, some of them having nothing to do with the church's stance on homosexuality.

Overall, I do believe the culture in the church is moving towards a place of having more compassion towards those who are gay, even if the outreach is often comes across as awkward or condescending.  I think it's a step in the right direction compared to how homosexuality was approached 20 or 30 years ago. 

As loving and compassionate as the insitution and the people might become though, there will still be those who won't want to participate for doctrinal reasons.  Andrew at Irresistable (Dis)Grace spells out why this is quite well in a recent post on his blog.  The church asks those who are gay and for whom marriage to someone of the opposite sex isn't a viable path, to remain celibate.  The problem with celibacy is that it goes against what is arguably the main theological thrust of the church: to marry and form families.  It is not good that man should be alone.  As Andrew says in his post, "A fully lived life of celibacy isn't fully lived at all." 

The church has never required celibacy of a specific group of people.  The advice to those who are single is be patient and always put yourself out there and prepare for the right one who might come along.  Not so if you are gay.  Just cut yourself off from the possibility of experiencing that in this life.  The carrot might be dangled in front of you that in the next life all will be made right and you will have an opposite sex spouse.  Ryan and I were talking about this and he made the excellent point that another problem is that the carrot really isn't all that enticing.  Telling me I can have the blessing of an opposite sex spouse in the next life if I remain celibate in this life isn't all that motivating or inspiring.

As Andrew says in his post, "Think about it.  You have failed at one of the major purposes of your mortal existence.  The solution?  Not much in this life.  Look forward to what comes after this mortal existence.  In other words, when you have failed at life, what you're supposed to do is just bide the rest of this time and wait (in hope and faith, but wait nevertheless) for this life to end."  And what you get after this life ends is something you might not even want anyway.  It becomes fairly easy to see why so many lose all hope and choose to end their mortal existence.

None of this is to say, "SEE, the church HAS to change!!" It's not even to say, "See how bad the homosexuals have it?  Don't you feel sorry for us?"  I suppose it's just a heads up.  If you truly want to reach out to, love, support, and minister to those in the church who are gay, you have to understand the full reality of their situation; otherwise, the reaching out will come accross as empty platitudes that will fall on deaf ears.

expanding on perplexity

"I remember being surprised by the discovery that attraction isn't necessarily a linear experience, but instead a fluid one, that comes and goes, that takes forms and shapes you can't always control.  I never examined my sexuality--which way it leaned--because it just came to me and I let it in, and when it grew heavy, I let it out, like it was the most natural thing in the world."

That is an excerpt from a post on C. Jane Kendrick's blog.  Go read the post if you haven't already.  Read it because it's really lovely for several reasons, and also because my post will make a lot more sense if you do.  One reason her post is lovely is this.  I often hear people say that of course sexuality is experienced on a spectrum.  People aren't either 100% gay or 100% straight.  If you listen to the way we talk about homosexuality though, you'd think only very few people actually believe that's true.  C. Jane's post, however, allows some space for the different ways people experience their attractions. 

It would be easy for C. Jane to impose her narrative onto that of her leader.  C. Jane felt some level of attraction for her, but ended up moving on to a male high school sweetheart.  She could expect that because that's how it happened for her, the same should be able to happen with her leader.  Of course, when they met up later in life, her leader could also try to convince C. Jane that she was living a lie being married to a man. 

The thing about being human is that we like to hijack other people's stories and see them through our own lens, or present them in a way that furthers our own agenda.  The result?  Lots of people walk around telling themselves and others half truths about themselves.  We leave out the parts that we fear might confirm the experience of someone with whom we might disagree.  We fear that others might hijack our story and twist it to fit their own needs.  Or maybe we don't tell our full truth because we aren't even really aware of what it is.  The shadow is a scary part of self to meet face to face. 

To put it in more concrete and specific terms, if someone has ever expressed any kind of attraction toward anyone of the same gender but ends up marrying someone of the opposite gender, lots of people are quick to assume that person is only deluding him/herself.  Or, that person who has some attraction to the same gender but ends up marrying someone of the oppostie gender might insist that his/her path is possible for everyone. 

To be sure, lots of people probably are only deluding themselves.  I just have to assume that any given person is better suited to know what's best for him/her than I am, even though I might feel very strongly that I do indeed know better.  My hope is that allowing others the space and respect to create their own life path will lead to others affording me the same space and respect. 

Compare C. Jane's post to this post by Kathryn at  AWell-Behaved Mormon Woman.  Kathryn is obviously trying to reach out to and understand the experience of the gay Mormon.  She contacts and has a very civil exchange with one of the students involved in the BYU It Gets Better video and shares that email exchange in the post with his permission.  I think it's fantastic that she seeking to reach out and have a conversation.  It's also fairly evident though, that she's more comfortable talking about it using terms that fit her view of the world.  Lots of people in the church prefer gay members to see it as a "struggle with same gender attraction".  This might not be the message that is intended, but the message often feels like it is expected that homosexual members be constantly struggling and fighting against what feels natural to them, instead of arriving at a place of peace and confidence with who they are and how they experience their sexuality.  

In many ways, the discussions about this seem to be emerging as a tug-of-war over how the narrative of a gay Mormon should be defined and shaped and experienced, instead of giving people the tools and space to discover, define, shape and experience their own narratives in a way that best meets their own individual emotional and spiritual needs. 

Devastating things can happen when a person doesn't feel any control over his/her own narrative.  There is a lack of trust in self, and as a result a lack of connection to God and spirit.  A person's very personal spiritual journey becomes a political football and when that happens, the conversations become more about the politics than about needs of a suffering individual.  The result is that the suffering individual feels a complete lack of control over and understanding of their situation.  This leads to a loss of hope and a lot of pain, that unfortunately too many choose to end by doing what seems like the only way to take back control, and end their own life.  

On the contrary, amazing things can happen when you gain control over your own narrative.  I experienced more confidence, love of self and others, peace, direction, connection to God and the Spirit.  I believe it was in large part due to people in my life who loved me enough to let me define and create my own path, even if making some mistakes was part of that path and even if certain aspects of the path made them uncomfortable.

I believe that it's through blessing each other with that space that will end untold amounts of suffering, whatever issue we might be facing. 

far between

A little over a week ago, the website for Far Between was launched.  If you haven't already, you should go and check it out.  There are several videos of people sharing their stories and lots of resources.  I think the most important part of the site is the collection of people telling their stories.  If you don't personally know anyone who is gay, but would like to gain a little more understanding on the topic of homosexuality, watching these videos is a great place to start.  New videos will be added regularly, so you'll want to check back.  This video of Nick was just released this afternoon.




There are also videos of parents of gay children, sharing their experiences.  Like Andrea:




And Charles:




Watch the videos and allow yourself to open up to and be affected and challenged by their stories.  There are people with a variety of perspectives.  I've found that too often, when listening to these types of stories, if information isn't given up front about the person, we listen closely for specific words and ways of describing one's own experience so we know whether or not the person's story is legitimate or not.  If they describe their experience in the same way I would and use similar words that I would use, then I open myself up to their story.  If not, then I dismiss the person and the story.

Try not to do that.  Try opening yourself up to the person and the story, even if (or especially if) the story doesn't immediately resonate with you.

empathy for the lived experience

My friend Krisanne just posted something lovely about empathy on her blog that got me thinking.  Her post was a result of listening to the RadioWest interview that Kendall did back in December with Doug Fabrizio.  Her post isn't long, so go read it.  You should actually be following her blog anyway because that girl serves it up Krisanne style.  By that, I mean you will always feel like you are sitting around a crackling fire with those you love, drinking something warm while you all bare the most beautiful parts of your souls to each other.

Anyway, here's part of what Krisanne said on her blog:

After letting this interview stew for 24 hours, I've come to the conclusion that I would do well in taking a page from the book of Kendall. It is easy for me to demonize those who don't think like I do or to dismiss their beliefs as less evolved. It is a breeze for me to cling to ideologies and worship at the altar of liberalism instead of really sitting for a time with those with whom I disagree (mostly conservative Republicans. Ha!). Really, how prideful of me. That sort of attitude does nothing in progressing the cause of empathy. It doesn't mean that I can't speak up for what I feel is right or good or true. It just means that I should avoid snorting and sighing audibly when other people disagree with me. It really means that I could do better at seeking to understand the lived experience of everyone, especially those who see things very differently than I do.


I got to thinking about why it is so damn hard to seek to understand people with whom we disagree strongly.  I think part of it is that seeking to understand feels a lot like you are allowing yourself to validate and agree with that person, which in turn feels like you are killing off a part of yourself and your identity by giving it over to understanding the other person's lived experience.  That is a scary space to allow yourself to visit.  What if you come out of it with some of your key beliefs and assumptions turned upside down?  What if, heaven forbid, the experience leaves you feeling love towards this person you despise?


I realize the process of empathy is much easier to talk about than to employ in every day life.  Sometimes the other person returns nothing but hate and vitriol.  Sometimes we are awkward in our seeking to show empathy and come off sounding condescending.  The process is riddled with land mines.  I think it's where we start though.  And even though seeking to have feelings of empathy doesn't always lead to empathetic behavior, I believe that's where it starts.  It's very possible to have empathetic feelings not lead to empathetic behavior, but I think it's virtually impossible to have the behavior take place without having the feelings first.  


I believe the idea of the atonement is the ultimate example of empathy.  Christ allowed himself to visit and feel the lived experience of anyone who had or would ever live.  Through doing that, he didn't destroy who he was, but lifted everyone and allowed them to become better than they otherwise would be and he became Savior.  Each of us has the opportunity to do the some small portion of that for everyone around us.  How else are we to become more like the Divine?


It reminds me of my favorite quote.  I've posted it on this blog several times and I'm posting it again.


By size I mean the stature of [your] soul, the range and depth of [your] love, [your] capacity for relationships. I mean the volume of life you can take into your being and still maintain your integrity and individuality, the intensity and variety of outlook you can entertain in the unity of your being without feeling defensive or insecure. I mean the strength of your spirit to encourage others to become freer in the development of their diversity and uniqueness. I mean the power to sustain more complex and enriching tensions. I mean the magnanimity of concern to provide conditions that enable others to increase in stature.  --Bernard Loomer

meditations on Downton Abbey love

I meditated this morning.  It's been a while.  I went on a meditation retreat a few weeks ago, but other than that, it's been a while since I sat down and meditated.  I like to do it in the morning after I shower, but lately sleep has won out.  I fell asleep fairly early last night and was wide awake at 5:45.  So I meditated.

One of the things that I like about meditation is that if you are failing at it, you can still be doing it right.  The idea is that you sit still and empty your mind of all thoughts.  You leave the past in the past and the future in the future and you focus on your body and breathing here and now.  It usually takes me a while to completely quiet my mind.  It's hard to not think about anything at all.  We're all so addicted to thinking.  The meditating can still be a useful exercise though, when I pay attention to what the tentacles of my mind are grasping at.  When I sit still and manage to clear my mind for a minute or two, what bubbles up?  What do my grasping mind tentacles tell me about myself? 

Also, I have a boyfriend.  It just kind of happened fairly unexpectedly.  I've known of him for at least a couple of years, but we came in contact again in October, the month in which we were both born.  It was one of those things where circumstances allowed both of us to see each other in a different light.  The development of the relationship has been about as easy as walking into a gorgeous, dimly lit room.  You just walk in and have a vague sense that there's something beautiful about the room and it's confirmed as the sun gradually rises and light floods the room and you are somehow both surprised and not surprised to realize how beautiful and comfortable it is.  Like the curling-up-on-the-couch-together-on-a-Sunday-evening-eating-delicious-Valentine's-popcorn-and-watching-Downton-Abbey kind of beautiful and comfortable.  That's me and Ryan. 

shamed

I've been really sparse with the blog updates lately.  I'm not really apologizing for it though, just acknowledging it.  It's partly due to me being super busy at work and partly due to a certain someone who has been a welcome distraction.  I'll blog more about that later.  For now, I'd like to draw your attention to a documentary that some friends of mine are working on called Shamed.  Pornography addiction is certainly an issue that can cripple the lives of those who become ensnared, and I think we often don't talk about it in ways that are helpful for those who feel trapped by it.  I think the ways we talk about it can actually make things worse.

As stated on their Kickstarter page, "Shamed will look at how to remove the debilitating personal and group shame that exists around pornography and sexuality in conservative Christian communities.  Our best protection is open, honest, healthy communication on pornography and sexual addiction, empowering the people we love to SPEAK, LISTEN, and HEAL."

Visit their Kickstarter page and if it's a project you'd like to see happen, send them some monetary love and pass on the link to others who might be interested in contributing. 

a great net of souls

The following is an excerpt from an essay by Joanna Macy entitled "Pass it On."  She tells of her experience in 1992 doing some despair and empowerment work with residents of the Russian city Novozybkov, which is one of the cities that was most contaminated by the Chernobyl nuclear disaster in 1986.


That afternoon the grief broke open.

It happened unexpectedly, at the close of a guided meditation in which I invited these people of Novozybkov to connect with their ancestors and harvest their strengths.  Moving through the room, as on a vast wheel turning, they went backward in time through all preceding generations, with Yuri's voice guiding them.  Then they stopped and moved forward, retracing their steps through time, in order to gather the gifts of the ancestors.  But when we came up to the year 1986, they balked.  They did not want to come any further into the present.  They refused to accept the horror of what happened to them then--and that very refusal compelled them to speak of it.

Talk exploded, releasing memories of that unacceptable spring: the searing hot wind from the southwest, the white ash that fell from a clear sky, the children running and playing in it, the drenching rain the followed, the rumors, the fear.  Remember how it was?  Remember, remember?  I saw you standing in your doorway, watching.  Our team had laid out paper and colored pencils for people to draw the gifts they'd harvested from the ancestors, but now there was one theme only.  A number of the drawings featured trees, and a road to the trees, and across the road a barrier, or a large X, blocking the way.

When we finally reassembled in one large circle, the good feelings that had grown during the workshop shattered into anger, now directed at me.  "Why have you done this to us?" a woman cried out.  What good does it do?  I would be willing to feel the sorrow--all the sorrow in the world--if it could save my two little daughters from cancer.  Each time I look at them I wonder about tumors growing inside them.  Can my tears protect them?  What good are my tears if they can't?"

Angry, puzzled statements came from all around me.  Our time together had been so good until now, so welcome a respite from what their lives had become; why had I spoiled it?

Listening to them all, I felt deeply chastened and silently blamed myself for my insensitivity.  What, now, could I possibly say?  To lecture on the value of despair work would be obscene.  When I finally broke the silence that followed the long outburst, I was surprised that the words that came were not about them or their suffering under Chernobyl, but about the people of Hannelore and Anastasia.

"I have no wisdom with which to meet your grief.  But I can share this with you: After the war that almost destroyed their country, the German people determined they would do anything to spare their children the suffering they had known.  They worked hard to provide them a safe, rich life.  They created an economic miracle.  They gave their children everything--except for one thing.  They did not give them their broken hearts.  And their children have never forgiven them."

The next morning, as we took our seats after the Elm Dance, I was relieved to see that all fifty had returned.  Behind us, still taped to the walls, hung the drawings of the previous afternoon, the sketches of the trees, and the slashing Xs that barred the way to the trees.  "It was hard yesterday," were my opening words.  "How is it with you now?"

The first to rise was the woman who had expressed the greatest anger, the mother of the two daughters.  "I hardly slept.  It feels like my heart is breaking open.  Maybe it will keep breaking again and again, I don't know.  But somehow--I can't explain--it feels right.  It connects me to everything and everyone, as if we were all branches of the same tree."