how to shave your groin

This past weekend I was telling a coworker friend about this documentary:



I meant to email her the link to the above trailer, but I copied and pasted the wrong URL, and instead I sent her this:



She was obviously confused and responded to my email with "How to shave your groin??"  I was embarrased for about two seconds and then I started laughing uncontrollably.  I called to explain to her that I sent her the wrong link and had to leave her a message, but all she got in this voice mail was a bunch of laughing, wheezing and I think I even snorted once. 

I had been watching the groin video just before I pulled up the Tabloid trailer because a friend had posted the following video on Facebook and you know that thing when you watch videos on Youtube and it recommends other videos and maybe it recommends one with a hot shirtless dude in the shower and so you click on it to watch it?  That's what happened.  And then with all these videos up, I grabbed the wrong one to send to my friend. 

discuss this

My friend Christina send me this article from The Atlantic and it got me thinking.  I have to admit, I've never fully felt on board with the whole "born this way"  as an argument for gay rights.  My reservations have mostly come about because I think stating it that way simplifies sexuality into something binary - either you're gay or you're straight - and I don't think that's the way it works.  I suppose that's why the letter Q seems to have found its way into the alphebet soup (LGBT) used to describe those who experience something other than pure heterosexuality (whatever that is).  It makes me wonder what it would be like to have lived 100 years ago when these terms and labels and categories didn't really exist, at least not like they do today.  It's nice be able to categorize and label things, but I think it's too often used as a tool to separate others who aren't like us and see them as less than.  I think all these labels also serve to limit what we can understand about who we are and how we experience our sexuality. 

The author of the article doesn't like the "born this way" argument because she believes that it shouldn't matter whether she was born that way or chose to pursue her attraction to women by having a same sex spouse.  She says that to her, by using that argument, it sounds like we are saying that if I could, I would be different but I can't.  In the end, it shouldn't matter if it's purely genetic or choice or some mix of things we don't yet understand.  People should have the right to be with who they want to be with.  I get that and I agree with her. 

But then I also kind of groan inside, because she talks about how for her it has been a choice.  She seems to experience a much greater degree of fluidity or flexibility in her attractions than I do.  She says she has dated both men and women and has felt and can feel enough attraction to men that she could probably make marriage to a man work.  My groaning comes because I think of the people who will read that who aren't able to see nuance, and who might project her experience onto others (like me) who don't experience the same degree of fluidity or flexibility and say, "See!  It is a choice!"

I enjoyed her brief exploration into how a same sex marriage challenges traditional gender roles and how those roles operate in a heterosexual marriage. There are those who would identify this challenge as a threat to "traditional" marriage.  I think that this challenge provides a helpful contrast though.  I think the differences in the dynamics of a same sex marriage could challenge traditional gender roles in a helpful way that could actually strengthen heterosexual marriage.  (As an sidenote, I think it's entertaining when people feel the need to identify who is the man and who is the woman in same sex relationships.)

What about you?  What do you think about the article?

(Oh, I also found the Homosexuality in Perspective study to be interesting as well.)

the point of power

I'm friends with Eckhart Tolle on Facebook.  Well, maybe I just "liked" him.  Either way, he addresses me as friend in this post from today, so I'm saying we're friends.  Anyway, this is what he had to say today:

Dear Friends,
Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said: "Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you".  In other words: freedom consists in finding the point of power, which is always in the present moment.  It also means: how you respond to what happens is more important than what happens.
With love
Eckhart

Or as I've said before on here, content doesn't matter, it's how we hold it that does. 

Have you ever made flirty eyes at a complete stranger?  I think you should try it.  I just got back from lunch in the mall and I crossed paths with a cute black man who smiled at me and I smiled back.  We both did the over-the-shoulder glance back after crossing paths and smiled again.  He went down the stairs and was walking a floor below me, but could still see me one level up and the flirty eyes continued.  It might be the perfect way to ease back into a work week after a three day weekend.

mitch mayne

If you are gay and Mormon or pay much attention to the Mormon Bloggernacle, then you've probably heard that Mitch Mayne, an openly gay man living in San Francisco, was recently called to be executive secretary in his ward.  I'm guessing that it isn't the first time this has ever happened, but it's definitely generated more conversation online than other instances.  I think part of this is due to the fact that Mitch isn't apologetic about his sexuality, nor does he adopt the narrative of it being a broken part of him.  He owns it.  He's also fairly actively shared his story online of being openly gay and being asked to serve as executive secretary of his ward.

I think it's valuable to stop and read the posts and conversations about all of it (especially if you have no idea what I'm talking about).  I think the conversations taking place give a good sense of where we are and aren't in the Mormon church on the topic of homosexuliaty.  I think that's the most interesting thing to me: to observe how people process the information, how they hold it, the questions they ask, the questions they don't ask.  It's not so much what happened that interests me but how it's presented and how people react to it. 

Here are some links for you to join in the observation process yourself:

Mitch Mayne's website (which includes a link to his blog where he talks about his new calling)
Post at By Common Consent (the comment stream here is kind of interesting)
Post at Times and Seasons
Joanna Brooks' write up at Religion Dispatches

Of course there has also been plenty of discussion in Facebook groups, but all those groups are closed so I can't link to them here.

And here's a presentation Mitch gave in March at Sunstone West before any of this took place:

thoughts on dating

A few months ago I posted about wanting to venture into the vulnerable world of dating.  Before that, I'd said I was open to it, but had never really made any conscientious effort to pursue it.  I signed up for OKCupid (ugh) and have been on a handful of dates since then.  It's been an interesting experiment.  I don't know that I've particularly enjoyed it. 

I got really excited about the first guy I met in person from the site.  I actually got fairly lucky.  He was incredibly attractive and bright and witty.  We went out a few times and I started to realize I was doing that thing where you create something wonderful out of nothing.  I think it's a common trap of the inexperienced or the person who is more infatuated with the idea of relationship than actually being in a relationship, a relationship where the other person is seen for and allowed to be who they actually are for better or for worse.

So after the third date, I came away realizing that I really wasn't excited about spending any more time with him.  I mean I wanted to be excited about it, but I wasn't.  So I figured I'd just leave it up to him to make any next move to get together.  I'm pretty sure he felt the same way; I haven't heard from him. 

Other than that, I've been on a few dates here and there and chatted with a couple guys online, but nothing that has materialized into anything as of yet.  To be honest, I have a hard time imagining myself in a long term relationship with another human being.  Maybe it's because I've been single for so long and have never really been in any kind of healthy, long term relationship with someone where there was mutual attraction. 

I often wonder why I never got even close to getting married.  I'm kind of amazed at guys who have.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't even get close.  That makes it sound like I regret that I didn't get married and admire those who did and that's not really true.  I'm frequently grateful that I didn't jump into marriage before I realized what I would be getting myself into, for my sake and hers.  I guess sometimes I wonder why I couldn't ever get close.  The desire was there and I went on lots of dates and I wasn't all that self aware at the time, but I guess I just couldn't pretend deeply enough, or for a length of time that would get me anywhere near marriage. 

Maybe that's it.  I'm not good at pretending in relationships, which could be partly why I haven't particularly enjoyed my brief (so far) foray into dating dudes.  To me, it seems kind of silly to specifically look for someone to date.  It seems too contrived and weird, and maybe I feel that way because of my background in Mormon dating where there is so much weight and meaning behind a date.  So then of course it seems weird and contrived.  Honestly though, I'd much rather go about my business, engaging in my normal social intereactions and have a relationship develop naturally and organically out of an existing friendship.  I figure if I meet someone doing what I enjoy doing or with people whose company I enjoy, the odds of meeting someone I am compatible with increase.  (Instead of meeting a complete stranger based on what they've chosen to portray about themselves online.)  I guess I just haven't had much success with the former organic approach and so I decided to try the latter, more contrived approach.

I don't actually spend a whole lot of time thinking or worrying about this, which is probably evident in my half hearted/assed attempts at dating.  At this point, being single can feel comfy and cozy at times.  But ultimately, there is that simmering desire - albeit sometimes in the background - to share my life and self with someone and have him share his life and self with me.

Oh.  I realize this made the rounds on the interwebz a while back, but I rediscovered it today and I really do enjoy it. 


Thought of You from Ryan J Woodward on Vimeo.

summer vacation

This is what I've been up to the past couple of weeks.

Sunstoning:  Yes, that is a giant replica of the Angel Moroni made of balloons (not noodles).  We presented on Empathy First Initiative and Far Between.

I also played cars.

And hung out with my friend Ninny in her comfy caftan.

After lounging in the caftan, we went to an amazing antique shop in Provo.  As you can see, it was mostly the dolls that captured my attention.  If you're easily spooked by creepy dolls, you might want to skip the next eight pictures.

I spent some time waiting for pizza at Bear Lake.

And then some time eating pizza at Bear Lake.

I ate fruit snacks from the floor at Bear Lake, shared with me by this little one.

I also just relaxed and hung out at Bear Lake.

Flew giant kites at Bear Lake.

Hung out with Spiderman at Bear Lake.

Enjoyed beautiful views of Bear Lake.

And watched a full moon rise over Bear Lake.

listening

If you haven't already, you should "like" Empathy First Initiative on Facebook.  There are lots of quotes, stories, videos, etc. posted that I believe can help promote a habit and a culture of empathy.  I believe one of the best ways to develop and practice this habit of empathy is to learn how to listen effectively to others and ourselves and the world around us.  This TED talk lists five simple ways we can listen better.

Our media have to scream at us in order to get our attention.  And that means it's harder for us to pay attention to the quiet, the subtle, the understated.

kinfolk

I saw this video for Kinfolk Magazine on frolic! and absolutely loved it.


Kinfolk from VsTheBrain on Vimeo.

I visited Kinfolk's website and read their manifesto, which I also loved:

Kinfolk is a growing community of artists with a shared interest in small gatherings.  We recognize that there is something about a table shared by friends, not just a wedding or once-a-year holiday extravaganza, that anchors our relationships and energizes us.  We have come together to create Kinfolk as our collaborative way of advocating the natural approach to entertaining that we love.

Every element of Kinfolk - the features, photography, and general aesthetics - are consistent with the way we feel entertaining should be: simple, uncomplicated, and less contrived.  Kinfolk is the marriage of our appreciation for art and design and our love for spending time with family and friends.

I love it!

nuclear fallout? meh...

If I am ripped from my sleep in the middle of the night, I tend to immediately assume the worst.  There was the time that my doorbell rang at like 1:00 AM and I looked through my peep hole and saw a box on the doorstep.  I was afraid to open it because I was convinced it was a bomb and someone was trying to kill me.  It turned out to be a box full of presents and candy from someone at church trying to be nice.  Next time, maybe try leaving the present and ringing my doorbell during waking hours. 

Last night my sleep was cut abruptly short by the loudest and longest clap of thunder I've ever heard.  It was so long and loud (and we hardly ever get thunderstorms in the northwest) that I was convinced that something had exploded.  I looked out all my windows trying to find the flames that would inevitably be lighting up the night sky.  I saw nothing, so I decided put on some clothes and go outside to find out what blew up. 

Before I made it back to my bedroom to dress myself, I heard falling rain.  I concluded that I had only heard thunder and crawled back in bed and listened to the falling rain through my open bedroom window as I tried to go back to sleep. 

That lasted for about a minute and then it occurred to me that I had looked at the weather before going to bed and there was nothing but sunshine in the forecast.  That's when it became abundantly clear that I wasn't hearing rain.  The only logical explanation was that a nuclear bomb had exploded nearby and I was hearing fallout from the explosion raining down.  The thought occurred to me that I should get up and shut my bedroom window to protect myself from the fallout, but I fell asleep before I got around to doing it.

honesty with strangers (or coming out at church)

Last Friday, John G-W posted about an experience he had while visiting the North Visitor Center at Temple Square in SLC.  I ended up having a somewhat similar experience at church on Sunday.  I think I've mentioned here before that up until February, I had been attending a singles ward (congregation).  Most people there knew I was gay.  I didn't necessarily go around making sure everyone knew, but anyone who knew me very well at all knew, and then word spreads from there. 

Anyway, I started attending a family ward in February and a few people know I'm gay, but most people don't.  There is a guy in that ward who is probably somewhere around my age (early 30's) and is married and has some kids.  I see him at church and we must also be on the same grocery shopping schedule, because it seems like the past few weeks, whenever I'm there, I seem him there.  We'll smile and say hi, but have never spoken to each other until yesterday. 

He approached me after sacrament meeting and introduced himself and then started to tell me about a girl who he wanted to set me up with.  I listened while he told me about her and thought about how to handle this conversation.  There's the option of saying something vague and no thank you and safely walking away from the conversation.  He kind of forced me into another option.  Here's how the conversation went:

"Thank you, but I'm not dating right now" (which technically isn't true, but I figured that as far as his conception of dating goes, I'm not dating.)

"Can I help you put a stop to that?" (At this point, I realized that I was going to tell him I was gay.  I hesitated for a few seconds)

"Probably not, I'm actually gay."  (He actually did a fairly decent job of masking his surprise.)

"That doesn't mean you can't date girls!"  (I was actually kind of surprised by his tenacity.)

"Oh, I've already tried going that route and it didn't work out very well for me."

He said that she and I could just be friends and that if I ever changed my mind and wanted a friend to hang out with to let him know.  I thanked him for thinking of me and we both said "nice to meet you" and went our separate ways.