catharsis near bountiful court

In the movie Inception, Cobb says, “I think positive emotion trumps negative emotion every time. We all yearn for reconciliation, for catharsis.” It seems that if I go with what life brings me, instead of trying to fight it, I fall into that catharsis almost effortlessly.

This weekend I was in Utah and it turned out being a weekend of intense catharsis. The original purpose for the trip was my friend Adam’s wedding. (I’ve mentioned Adam here and here.) The weekend also became an opportunity to meet the others working on the documentary I’ve mentioned here. We spent Thursday afternoon and evening and all day Friday working on the documentary. Thursday night we met with a group of students at BYU to do a group interview of their experiences of being gay at BYU.

Of course the conversation caused me to think about my own experiences at BYU, and how self destructive I was when I was there. I thought about how my actions/inactions had contributed to what I think is an unhealthy aspect of Mormon church culture that has tried to ignore or avoid talking about the topic of homosexuality in open and compassionate ways. I tried to ignore it and will it away, while at the same time indulging myself on the side in ways that were dangerous and damaging to my physical, emotional and spiritual self. I try to look back at the way I went about things back then with compassion though. I don’t think I was capable of much more at that point. I was like a baby trying to digest a 16 ounce steak.

This weekend, eight years after graduating, I was back in the same physical space, but a completely different emotional and spiritual space. It seemed like a gift to be back in Provo, working on a project that I hope will bring more understanding and compassion on the topic of homosexuality, specifically in the context of Mormonism. It was incredibly empowering to engage in open, honest and respectful dialogue on the topic.

That could have been cathartic enough, but the next morning after the group interview, I got up to go for a run. I was staying in a friend’s home south of campus. As I started walking down the street, I realized that the house I was staying in was just a block over from an apartment complex I lived in for two years while I was at BYU. It was where I was living when digesting the 16 ounce steak became too much to do alone and I felt myself imploding. It was where I was living when I decided to tell my parents I was gay and where I was living when I asked my friend Adam (the one who got married this weekend) if he could go for a walk with me so I could tell him as well. I was living in that apartment complex when I went through my first church disciplinary council and thought my whole world had completely fallen apart.

Bountiful Court became a place of great internal upheaval for me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was the beginning of the unfolding, the painful beginning of the process of becoming myself. My friend’s home could have been anywhere in Provo, but it was a block from Bountiful Court.

If I go with it, instead of trying to fight it, life often presents me with incredibly beautiful and cathartic synchronicities. I was completely overwhelmed as I drove north Friday night to Adam’s bachelor party in Salt Lake. Don’t worry though; I managed to pull myself together in time for the festivities. No one wants a weepy gay at his bachelor party.