I have a question to toss out to all of you. I think all of us at some point have been, and some might currently be in that stage of trying to root out the gay. By root out the gay, I mean trying to eliminate it or change it into a heterosexual attraction. This probably includes trying to reform or change or eliminate activities or behaviors or relationships that we think might be contributing to the gay. This process might be an effort to change orientation or it might be just to eliminate stuff from your life that might give away the fact that you're gay. Anyway, I think you are all aware of this degayifying process of which I speak, to some degree or another.
So here's the question, what things do you or have you tried to eliminate from your life in order to eliminate or hide the gay? For example, like probably many of you, I've always gotten along famously with the ladies. We are like best friends. I went through a phase in which I believed that my relationship to women was contributing to my inability to be attracted to them. Kind of like I was going in the back door and becoming one of them, eliminating the possiblity of becoming attracted to them. So I thought that I needed to not get along so well with the women in my life, go in the front door and interact with them in a way that would encourage an attraction to them. It seemed fool proof and made total sense to me at the time. It resulted in me not having very many friends and feeling a little dead inside.
So what about you? Other things eliminated at an attempt to degayify might include not wearing certain things that might be "too gay", not participating in certain activities (dance, fashion design, etc.), not associating with openly gay people, you get the idea. Please don't be embarrassed about sharing, no matter how ridiculous you might think it is now. This is a safe space. :)
Monday, March 28, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
that world beyond bliss
Now I am holding her hand and asking, "How are you, Sweetie? You look a lot better than you did yesterday." We smile and I leave my lipstick kiss on her cheek. "My mark of distinction," she says, as always. But this time when she says she just wants to go to sleep and not wake up, I say what I know, " Yes. And what a glorious surprise will be there for you. Are you afraid?"
"Yes--you know, the review of your life--all that judgment."
"Oh, my dear, what judgment? I've been there, remember? And there is nothing but love, total acceptance." I squeeze her hand harder and lean close. Her blue, blue yes, almost always muted behind glasses, hold mine. I tell her of my death experience as I have before, but now it is as if we are traveling there together. She is seeing what I see; the light that I know will be for her--her free and running into the arms of her loved ones. No judgment. No echelons, only loving acceptance and that world beyond bliss, beyond joy, beyond ecstasy, a new life--childness. Just being, without expectation by others, or herself of how to be, simply Edith of no age, no impairment, no losses, she and all she loves as their eternal essences, recognizable, welcoming, full of light.
-Emma Lou Warner Thayne, The Place of Knowing
"Yes--you know, the review of your life--all that judgment."
"Oh, my dear, what judgment? I've been there, remember? And there is nothing but love, total acceptance." I squeeze her hand harder and lean close. Her blue, blue yes, almost always muted behind glasses, hold mine. I tell her of my death experience as I have before, but now it is as if we are traveling there together. She is seeing what I see; the light that I know will be for her--her free and running into the arms of her loved ones. No judgment. No echelons, only loving acceptance and that world beyond bliss, beyond joy, beyond ecstasy, a new life--childness. Just being, without expectation by others, or herself of how to be, simply Edith of no age, no impairment, no losses, she and all she loves as their eternal essences, recognizable, welcoming, full of light.
-Emma Lou Warner Thayne, The Place of Knowing
Friday, March 18, 2011
then sigh not so
I did a guest post over at Hey Nonny today. Check it, yo!
Also check this out and have a great weekend.
Also check this out and have a great weekend.
Monday, March 14, 2011
catharsis near bountiful court
In the movie Inception, Cobb says, “I think positive emotion trumps negative emotion every time. We all yearn for reconciliation, for catharsis.” It seems that if I go with what life brings me, instead of trying to fight it, I fall into that catharsis almost effortlessly.
This weekend I was in Utah and it turned out being a weekend of intense catharsis. The original purpose for the trip was my friend Adam’s wedding. (I’ve mentioned Adam here and here.) The weekend also became an opportunity to meet the others working on the documentary I’ve mentioned here. We spent Thursday afternoon and evening and all day Friday working on the documentary. Thursday night we met with a group of students at BYU to do a group interview of their experiences of being gay at BYU.
Of course the conversation caused me to think about my own experiences at BYU, and how self destructive I was when I was there. I thought about how my actions/inactions had contributed to what I think is an unhealthy aspect of Mormon church culture that has tried to ignore or avoid talking about the topic of homosexuality in open and compassionate ways. I tried to ignore it and will it away, while at the same time indulging myself on the side in ways that were dangerous and damaging to my physical, emotional and spiritual self. I try to look back at the way I went about things back then with compassion though. I don’t think I was capable of much more at that point. I was like a baby trying to digest a 16 ounce steak.
This weekend, eight years after graduating, I was back in the same physical space, but a completely different emotional and spiritual space. It seemed like a gift to be back in Provo, working on a project that I hope will bring more understanding and compassion on the topic of homosexuality, specifically in the context of Mormonism. It was incredibly empowering to engage in open, honest and respectful dialogue on the topic.
That could have been cathartic enough, but the next morning after the group interview, I got up to go for a run. I was staying in a friend’s home south of campus. As I started walking down the street, I realized that the house I was staying in was just a block over from an apartment complex I lived in for two years while I was at BYU. It was where I was living when digesting the 16 ounce steak became too much to do alone and I felt myself imploding. It was where I was living when I decided to tell my parents I was gay and where I was living when I asked my friend Adam (the one who got married this weekend) if he could go for a walk with me so I could tell him as well. I was living in that apartment complex when I went through my first church disciplinary council and thought my whole world had completely fallen apart.
Bountiful Court became a place of great internal upheaval for me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was the beginning of the unfolding, the painful beginning of the process of becoming myself. My friend’s home could have been anywhere in Provo, but it was a block from Bountiful Court.
If I go with it, instead of trying to fight it, life often presents me with incredibly beautiful and cathartic synchronicities. I was completely overwhelmed as I drove north Friday night to Adam’s bachelor party in Salt Lake. Don’t worry though; I managed to pull myself together in time for the festivities. No one wants a weepy gay at his bachelor party.
This weekend I was in Utah and it turned out being a weekend of intense catharsis. The original purpose for the trip was my friend Adam’s wedding. (I’ve mentioned Adam here and here.) The weekend also became an opportunity to meet the others working on the documentary I’ve mentioned here. We spent Thursday afternoon and evening and all day Friday working on the documentary. Thursday night we met with a group of students at BYU to do a group interview of their experiences of being gay at BYU.
Of course the conversation caused me to think about my own experiences at BYU, and how self destructive I was when I was there. I thought about how my actions/inactions had contributed to what I think is an unhealthy aspect of Mormon church culture that has tried to ignore or avoid talking about the topic of homosexuality in open and compassionate ways. I tried to ignore it and will it away, while at the same time indulging myself on the side in ways that were dangerous and damaging to my physical, emotional and spiritual self. I try to look back at the way I went about things back then with compassion though. I don’t think I was capable of much more at that point. I was like a baby trying to digest a 16 ounce steak.
This weekend, eight years after graduating, I was back in the same physical space, but a completely different emotional and spiritual space. It seemed like a gift to be back in Provo, working on a project that I hope will bring more understanding and compassion on the topic of homosexuality, specifically in the context of Mormonism. It was incredibly empowering to engage in open, honest and respectful dialogue on the topic.
That could have been cathartic enough, but the next morning after the group interview, I got up to go for a run. I was staying in a friend’s home south of campus. As I started walking down the street, I realized that the house I was staying in was just a block over from an apartment complex I lived in for two years while I was at BYU. It was where I was living when digesting the 16 ounce steak became too much to do alone and I felt myself imploding. It was where I was living when I decided to tell my parents I was gay and where I was living when I asked my friend Adam (the one who got married this weekend) if he could go for a walk with me so I could tell him as well. I was living in that apartment complex when I went through my first church disciplinary council and thought my whole world had completely fallen apart.
Bountiful Court became a place of great internal upheaval for me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was the beginning of the unfolding, the painful beginning of the process of becoming myself. My friend’s home could have been anywhere in Provo, but it was a block from Bountiful Court.
If I go with it, instead of trying to fight it, life often presents me with incredibly beautiful and cathartic synchronicities. I was completely overwhelmed as I drove north Friday night to Adam’s bachelor party in Salt Lake. Don’t worry though; I managed to pull myself together in time for the festivities. No one wants a weepy gay at his bachelor party.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
be photographed!
My friend D'Arcy is a photographer extraordinaire. This summer she will be traveling the country and offering a great deal on sessions. (That sounds weird, is that what you call it in the photography biz? A session?) Either way, D'Arcy will do a great job at making you look fabulous. She is also going to donate a large chunk of the proceeds to help finance her friend Jenny's fight with cancer. So be photographed and help someone in need. Reduced prices (which includes the session and the images) and details are below.
During the months of April, May, and June BEE PHOTOGRAPHY would like to take wonderful photographs for EACH person or family who would like them. This will be at 50% of their regular fee. You will get ALL rights to the images. A generous amount of the proceeds from these shoots will go to help my sweet friend Jenny Reeder (read more about her story here) pay for her mounting and extensive medical bills as a result of being diagnosed with cancer. I will be offering these shoots to clients in Utah during the months of April and May. Then, the month of June is dedicated to traveling America and photographing families. You can read more about Jenny and also see the cities offered at the post I did here. Also, if your town is not listed–I am happy to travel there as long as there are at least 5 committed photo shoots. Thank you so much in advance for your consideration!
These prices are good in Utah for APRIL and MAY ONLY.
These prices are good in other cities for June and the first part of July.
After July--Bee Photography will be switching to online proofing of all images and a different price list (offering prints, books, and more!)
If you would like to see images (including BEFORE and AFTER photos of the makeovers) please add me on facebook or follow my blog here.
PRICES
Baby Shoot (30 min): $150
Maternity shoot (45 min): $200
Senior Photos (High School kids only): $200
Individual Portraits: $250
Individual Portraits with Hair and Make-up (as seen on facebook--and most likely in Utah only)--$350
Couples: $300
Engagements: $300
Bridals: $300
Family Sessions of 5 or less: $325Family Sessions of 10 or less: $400
Family Sessions of 20 or less: $500
SAVE EVEN MORE!!--- For EACH person/family you refer who book with me, you will save 10% off your entire purchase.
Thank you for your support. Dates are already filling up quickly so email me as soon as you know. A 50% non-refundable deposit IS required at the time of booking. You can send this via paypal or check.
Thank you so much for your generosity!
Friday, March 4, 2011
the flower of consciousness
A while back I did this post of Eckhart Tolle quotes. The other day, David sent me a link to an Eckhart video on YouTube and I've been watching some of the other videos of Tolle that are available there. I can't remember which video it was now, but in one of them he says something like a failed story is the flower of consciousness. I think we too often get wrapped up in not failing or in doing what we think is expected of us. If something happens to us that we would categorize as a failure, the temptation is to view it as something negative instead of something that can lead us to greater consciousness.
Some might view being gay as a failure or not being able to successfully become straight a failure. I was certainly in that camp at one point in my life. It feels so much better though, to extract myself from that narrative, to not feel like I need to be identified by it or classify it as a struggle but to let it be and to listen to it and see what greater self awareness it can bring about who I am and who I can be.
Like I said, I can't remember which video had the flower of consciousness quote, so here's another video I like that kind of explores the same thing: not getting wrapped up in the content or the drama in our lives or letting it define who we are, but to extract ourselves from it in order to achieve a higher level of consciousness.
Also, I've been going to a personal trainer. He does Cirque du Soleil style hand balancing. Here's a video of him:
He hasn't taught me how to do any of that yet, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time. When he does, I'll be happy to perform at your birthday parties, work functions and bar mitvah's.
Some might view being gay as a failure or not being able to successfully become straight a failure. I was certainly in that camp at one point in my life. It feels so much better though, to extract myself from that narrative, to not feel like I need to be identified by it or classify it as a struggle but to let it be and to listen to it and see what greater self awareness it can bring about who I am and who I can be.
Like I said, I can't remember which video had the flower of consciousness quote, so here's another video I like that kind of explores the same thing: not getting wrapped up in the content or the drama in our lives or letting it define who we are, but to extract ourselves from it in order to achieve a higher level of consciousness.
Also, I've been going to a personal trainer. He does Cirque du Soleil style hand balancing. Here's a video of him:
He hasn't taught me how to do any of that yet, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time. When he does, I'll be happy to perform at your birthday parties, work functions and bar mitvah's.
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