all my days

I've learned that pushing myself to complete physical exhaustion can lead to transcendent experiences.  When I ran the St. George Marathon about a year after my mission, I remember inexplicably breaking down into tears after I finished.  For some reason, I remember being alone for a while after finishing and just soaking in whatever the emotions were.  It was like runner's high but times ten.

I had a similar experience when I was running my second leg of Ragnar at 2:00 AM.  My blog fairly recently turned two.  The people I was there running with I met through my blog and we have forged some transformative relationships.  I got to thinking about all the many amazing people I've met through blogging, of the existing relationships that have been enriched and the personal growth and healing that has occurred through writing out and sharing my experience over the last couple of years.  I thought about the painfully and beautifully complex emotions that come from loving and allowing yourself to be seen and loved.  I became completely overwhelmed from all of this as I was running in the middle of the night through the Wasatch Mountains under a clear sky and a full moon all by myself, exhausted but at the same time exhilarated.

I had my iPod on shuffle and as I was having these thoughts and running under the stars, this song came on during my last mile to the finish line, as though wanting to make sure I recognized the beauty of what I was experiencing.



(All My Days, Alexi Murdoch)

turning

What if our salvation is an all or nothing deal?  Not in a you-have-to-be-perfect-in-order-to-be-saved kind of way.  More like either we're all saved together or none of us is saved.  And not because we're all perfect, but because we learn how to love and accept everyone in all our necessary differences.  What if we can't be saved without those with whom we vehemently disagree?  What if the tension that exists between two opposing points of view is completely necessary and the solution is to simply listen to each other and seek to understand what it means to be in another's shoes.  Who are we to decide that what we perceive as another person's sins are any worse or better than our own?  Maybe it's more about loving unconditionally instead of categorizing and ranking sins.  These excerpts from an essay entitled "Turning" by Dian Saderup that appeared in Dialogue help explain how this might be.

All of us have a story. All of us have a voice. All of us have a vision —and all are limited by our own mortality and the possibility of error. I like to picture the Church as a wheel with Christ as the hub. Each individual life path is a spoke feeding into that hub. We all start our mortal journeys in our own particular places on the rim of the wheel — each with his or her unique strengths and weaknesses. Because of this, though we may be baptized into the strait and narrow way, we each journey through different territory. Different experiences give us various prides, prejudices, perceptions, and testimonies as we progress toward Christ, the central hub. Some spokes lie close to one another; others may be on opposing sides of the central focus. I believe that Joseph Smith actually saw God and that the Church established through him is literally the kingdom laid to prepare the world for the millennial reign of the Savior. Because of this I feel a duty — if not always the disposition — to bear with those of my fellows whom I see, at times, opposite me — to respect the real rigors, perplexities, and triumphs of their unique paths. And I feel to watch for the divine fire that will, in tangible reality, flare now here, now there among us.

The kingdom will go forward, despite our collective differences and failings, and we will all play our several parts: some of us shepherds, some of us followers, some conformists, some dissenters, some critics, some apologists. The wheel will continue to turn, and we may one day find that those spokes which are now on opposing sides of the hub have together created an essential tension — a dynamic balance — between mutually necessary opposites.

----------------------------------------------------------------

I watched the deacons as they passed the sacrament: young, awkward boys bearing bread and water of whose significance they probably had little understanding.  But did any of us? The trays passed down the pews hand to hand as, one after another, the ward members partook. Each ate and drank with the familiar ritual motion. And it struck me, like a sudden gust of wind on a still night: We all partake of the same loaf, we all drink of the same cup. What right have I to boast? Who am I to judge? Or any of us? It is, after all, by grace we are saved, after we have done all in our halting mortal ways that we are able. That grace seemed to me then the greatest mystery of all. And then I seemed to be looking through clear glass; things were no longer complex, confusing, tangled, and dark but simple and spiritually liberating. Faith — in God and in each other; humility — for our own imperfections and those of our brothers and sisters; endurance -— despite conflict; love — sustained throughout disappointment with our fellows; and gratitude — for God's grace and the human grace we may share with one another: these seemed to be the best gifts we could give or receive.

It was a singular moment of simple clarity of vision. We will live our countless lives, and I believe the wheel that is Christ and his Church will continue to turn until one morning that vision is fully realized. The words of an old Shaker hymn with its lovely melody played over and over in my mind that afternoon:

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,

'Tis the gift to come down where we are to be;

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gain'd,

To bow and to bend we shan't be ashamed;

To turn, turn will be our delight

Till by turning, turning we come round right.

I heart the interwebs

This past weekend I was in Utah running the Wasatch Back Ragnar Relay from Logan to Park City (188 miles) with these lovely people.  We all initially met via blogging on the interwebs and we gathered in Utah from Tennessee, Wyoming and Oregon to spend two days running, sweating, stinking and not sleeping.  The weekend went spectacularly well, considering none of us had ever spent a considerable amount of time together.  (Well, other than the dude in camo and the lovely lady.  Those two spend a lot of time together.)  Our team was the Roaming Gnomes, hence the (hand knit) beards, and the red and white striped socks that you can't see.

Running a seven mile leg in the mountains of Utah between 2:00 and 3:00 AM under a full moon was pure magic.  And so was spending the weekend with these people.

eckhart tolle on the gay

I think a lot of the drama we experience in life comes not from the issues we face, but in how we face them. By that, I mean how we approach them, how we hold them, how we process them, the questions we ask about them.  With the issue of homosexuality, it seems to me that we aren't "holding" the issue in a way that leads to much productive conversation on the issue.  It seems like our back and forth on the topic boils down to whether homosexuality is "good" or "bad", with two sides trying to defend why it is either good or bad.  Something that is natural and acceptable or something that needs to be fixed.  Then we spend all our energy trying to explain but mostly defend our position.

Those are some questions to explore, but I think there are other questions that are more compelling.  To me, there are mysteries and answers to questions packed and embedded in the issue of homosexuality.  Certainly, those who are attracted to their same sex stand to benefit from greater understanding on the topic, but I also believe that everyone stands to benefit.  I think there are some answers to be unpacked about how we understand attraction, how we relate to each other, what gender is, and why it is or isn't important.  I know we think we know all about these things, but I don't think we know what we think we know. 

Anyway.  The following are some quotes by Eckhart Tolle  from The Power of Now that I like because I think they get us thinking about things differently.  At least that's what they do for me.

In the quest for enlightenment, is being gay a help or a hindrance, or does it not make any difference?


...the realization that you are 'different' from others may force you to dis-identify from socially conditioned patterns of thought and behavior. This will automatically raise your level of consciousness above that of the unconscious majority, whose members unquestioningly take on board all inherited patterns. In that respect, being gay can be a help. Being an outsider to some extent, someone who does not 'fit in' with others or is rejected by them for whatever reason, makes life difficult, but it also places you at advantage as far as enlightenment is concerned. It takes you out of unconsciousness almost by force.

On the other hand, if you then develop a sense of identify based on your gayness, you have escaped one trap only to fall into another.

And there's this:

Choice implies consciousness - a high degree of consciousness. Without it, you have no choice. Choice begins the moment you dis-identify from the mind and its conditioned patterns, the moment you become present. Nobody chooses dysfunction, conflict, pain. Nobody chooses insanity. They happen because there is not enough presence in you to dissolve the past, not enough light to dispel the darkness. You are not fully here. You have not quite woken up yet. In the meantime, the conditioned mind is running your life

vulnerable places

In the Mormon church, the first Sunday of the month is different from the others. Instead of having assigned speakers, we have what is called a fast and testimony meeting, which basically means it’s open mic Sunday. Anybody can get up and extemporaneously share their feelings for and their belief in the gospel, the church, their Savior, etc. Sometimes it also becomes an uncomfortable exercise in oversharing (at which point, I usually lean forward, rest my head on my hands and soak up the awkwardness). These unscripted meetings are usually among my favorites because the odds of them being more interesting/entertaining/inspiring, in comparison to the other Sundays, are high.


I didn’t bear my testimony this past Sunday, but if I had, I would have shared my feelings about vulnerable places. Those places that we sometimes voluntarily go to and sometimes try our hardest to avoid. Those places where we put ourselves out in the open, naked, for others to see us as we are instead of who we think they want us to be.

My becoming more transparent about my sexuality has been a fairly gradual and thoughtful and important process. One of the many reasons why it has been so important and impactful for me is that it has often taken me to vulnerable places that are fertile ground for my own personal growth. I’ve grown and become more whole in ways that I know I couldn’t have if I’d kept everything to myself.

It’s also enriched my personal relationships. By allowing myself to be fully seen, I’ve been able to create more meaningful and enriching relationships, whereas before, I felt like nobody fully knew me and therefore no one was qualified to say they loved me. If the words “I love you” were ever said, it hardly ever rang true.

Of course it isn’t all roses now either. It is, after all, a vulnerable place. Showing up as yourself carries a price. Some relationships will require some adjusting and shifting. Some of the seismic activity is uncomfortable, and sometimes it doesn’t lead to where you’d hope it would. It will lead to more authentic relationships though. My sister doesn’t always agree with me. Sometimes she’ll bring up something she’s read on my blog that doesn’t quite ring true for her, and we’ll discuss it and sometimes we still won’t agree. My relationship with her is much more real and meaningful as a result.

Recently I signed up for OKCupid. There’s a part of me that has been calling out for relationship and not just for the companionship (although that is a big part of it). There’s a part of me that hungers, almost masochistically I suppose, for the type of relationship that takes you to a vulnerable place the way that putting yourself out there for someone you are attracted to on all levels only can.

I’ve dated women a little bit before and that has presented its own unique circumstances for growth, but it doesn’t come close to comparing to the limited experiences I’ve had dating men. With men, I feel the experience in every cell of my body (and I’m not talking about sex here). A gay friend married to a woman once told me that he didn’t think he was the jealous type because he didn’t mind the male friends his wife had. I couldn’t help but wonder how that declaration would change if he was in a relationship with a man he felt emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and physically attracted to. I have a feeling that jealousy and insecurity would much more easily rear their heads.

Based on my limited experience, being in an intimate relationship with someone you are completely attracted to stirs up insecurities like nothing else can. It takes you to the most vulnerable of places and provides opportunities to learn about yourself and grow as a result, in a way that nothing else can. I want to go there.

comfortably silent together

A friend emailed me this quote by Eckhart Tolle:

With any human relationship, the question is, "Is there space?"  Use that as a little mantra.  Is there space in this relationship?  Put bluntly, it's a space when thought becomes unimportant, and any judgment of your mind, even emotion, becomes unimportant when something deeper is there: awareness, stillness, alert, alive, stillness, as space.

This is the type of quote that you could throw out to a dozen people and get a dozen different interpretations, which is one reason why I like it.  I reminds me of an experience I had the summer after moving to Portland.  I believe I had fairly recently come out to my friend KaRyn and we were at the Oregon coast with a couple other friends.  She and I were walking along the beach chatting and eventually the conversation petered out and we just walked in silence for bit.  Then KaRyn said, "Aw, we're now the type of friends that can be comfortably silent together." 

To me, that quote is about allowing that stillness and silence to exist in relationships as a...um...silent partner.  It's a stillness that allows you to see beyond the roles you need the other person to play, the expectations you have for each other.  It allows you to get a sense of their essence instead of their ego.  It lets go of trying to think of the next thing to say in order to preserve the narrative you've created together, and as a result opens up the relationship to unthought of narratives that might be more substantive and healing. 

I think it also creates sustainable relationships.  How often do you tire of certain relationships but you can't quite put your finger on why?  Maybe it's because the relationship is trying to follow a narrative that no longer serves a purpose but there's fear to alter the chemistry and balance of a relationship because it's worked in the past and is the basis for the relationship. 

I've discovered that one sign of a good friend is one who allows you the space to be something new each time you meet by leaving everything they know about you behind and letting you re-create yourself, much like Skye's Sweet Onions of Forgivness.

What about you, kittens?  How do you create space in your relationships and what does it feel like to you?

an eternity of now

Sometimes I find the idea of living forever completely exhausting and depressing. I think this feeling started to surface when I started exploring and questioning what I really do and don’t believe, especially about what happens after this life. Think about it though, existing for-ev-er is a really long time, especially when I really have no idea what a next life would look like and really only have this life to go on.

I’ve come to appreciate the idea that every moment is perfect and is exactly what I need, if I am just patient and present with the moment and listen to what it has to teach me. The other day I was wondering if maybe there won’t be a separation into kingdoms as rewards in the next life, but that maybe we’ll all end up in the same place. Maybe the separation will only come from our own ability or inability to appreciate the now.

If you’re able to find and appreciate the beauty in each moment, you’ll probably be more successful at enjoying eternity than if you were constantly wishing for a better situation or for whatever might come next. Maybe if I were better at finding the beauty in each moment then eternity wouldn’t sound so exhausting…

sherri wants to live with me

Sunday afternoon I sat down on my couch to watch some TV and noticed an envelope taped to my sliding glass door.  I retrieved it and found a hand written letter inside that said the following:

Hello my name is Sherri and my mother lives in the unit directly across from you.  She informed me that in the recent past you had a roommate and may possibly be looking for another, since the previous roommate has moved.  I just moved back home to Oregon  after living in California for several years.  I will be looking for my own place of course, over the course of the summer, however, in the meantime, I am looking for a room to rent.

I am 37 years old.  I work as a veterinary surgical nurse, however, I do not own any pets.  I am a non-smoker and I do not use drugs of any kind.  I am clean and you will find that I am hardly ever home.  In closing, please call me if you are interest.

Sincerely,
Sherri

PS How does it feel to have craigslist come to you? LOL

I'll be honest with you, Sherri, the envelop taped to my sliding glass door was a little creepy.  I felt this urge for the rest of the day to close the blinds. 

Now I have several questions.  I realize that it's not unheard of for people of the opposite sex to be roommates, but I would think it would happen when there was already some kind of established friendship or at the very least an acquaintanceship.  I find it odd that a woman would want to move in with a man she knows nothing about.

My other question is if your mother lives across from me, why don't you move in with her? 

I'm kind of tempted to take her up on her offer and then make things as weird as possible.  Like keep jars of urine on the shelf, or hang out in my Snuggie with nothing on underneath, or pretend like I have Tourrette's, or keep a blow up doll around the house and act like she's real (Lars and the Real Girl style).  I could also resurrect Jarrett's severed arm from last summer. 

reclaiming god

I wrote the following for a discussion group I belong to in an attempt to explain my relationship with God.  I thought I'd post it here as well.

I’ve found that to make the gospel come alive for me, I’ve had to rewrite the narratives of what the voices in my head tell me about who I am, what the gospel is, who my Heavenly Father and Savior are and how they feel about me and what role I play in the grand scheme of things. That rewriting comes about through the help of the spirit and through personal revelation. I think we too often allow others to define who God is and what his relationship is with us. I find that the perception others have of God often doesn’t resonate with me, (he’s vengeful, he hates gays, he’s the God of one particular political party, he dangles carrots in front of us to get us to do what he wants, he sends trials if we cross him, etc) If I rely on others’ perceptions of him, I think it makes it difficult to conceive of a God that I can relate to and resonate with. If I rely too much on others’ perceptions of him and those perceptions don’t work for me, it’s almost like I let them take him away from me. I let those voices and narratives dominate, which leaves me feeling no connection to my Heavenly Father.


I find though, that proactively taking on the creation of a relationship with him through the spirit allows me to create new narratives, new perceptions, new relationships. I think that’s a big part of why we’re here. To learn how to create. As I’ve created this new relationship, I’ve also found that I need to keep a couple of things in mind. One, I can share and talk about my relationship with God with others, but I shouldn’t try to force others to adopt my perceptions or feel frustrated when how I perceive things doesn’t resonate with them. Related to this idea, if I feel comfortable and confident in my relationship with and perception of God and the gospel, I don’t need to feel threatened by others’ relationships and perceptions. We are all in different places and I think we perceive the God that we need (or even sometimes feel that we don’t need) at certain times in our lives. The second thing I try to keep in mind then, is that I need to be open to the relationship and the perceptions changing, as I grow and mature and become. The God I needed as a child is different than the God I need as an adult. And not that they are two different Gods, I just think that as we grow and mature, our knowledge and understanding of him can become more full and nuanced and personalized if we let it happen.

increasing bandwidth

In my last post, I said that I believe that if we are downloading the gospel, we are probably less than 1% to completion.  I think a lot of members of the church, however, believe that we've already downloaded most, if not all of it. One of the stumbling blocks of Mormonism is the belief of its members that it is the only true church on the face of the earth.  Like I said in my last post, I think it can lead to complacency, which greatly reduces the bandwidth of our connection to the divine. 

I think something that could greatly increase that bandwidth is being open to the fact that we might be wrong and then owning up to it when we discover that we are.  The following TED talk is by Kathryn Schulz and she talks about the importance of embracing our fallibility, and what opens up for us as a result.  Sometimes she seems like she's trying just a smidge too hard to be an engaging speaker, but she has some really great things to say.  Below are some of my favorites:

"Trusting too much in the feeling of being on the correct side of anything can be very dangerous."

"And maybe you thought you were going to grow up and marry your high school sweet heart and move back to your home town and raise a bunch of kids together and something else happened instead."

"This attachment to our own rightness keeps us from preventing mistakes when we absolutely need to and causes us to treat each other terribly."

"For good and for ill, we generate these incredible stories about the world around us, and then the world turns around and astonishes us."