This article from the New York Times is really quite fascinating slash entertaining. It explores the interesting dynamic that can exist in a friendship between a gay man and a straight man. As stated in the article, the gay man/straight woman relationship has been explored in media and pop culture ad nauseam, but not the friendship of the gay man with the straight man. Is it because the latter is less common? More awkward? One interesting thing I noted as I read through this paragraph is that I used the word relationship for the gm/sw coupling but used the word friendship for the gm/sm um, coupling? Not sure what that means. Quite possibly nothing.
Anyway, I got to thinking about my own friendships. Certainly, of all my male friendships, my closest male friends are gay. I have a lot of straight male friends, but there’s definitely something different. Some kind of divide. Generally speaking, I don’t connect with them like I do with my gay male friends. I’m sure part of the greater ease of connecting with gay friends is having a shared experience. It also seems like my gay friends are more willing to delve into a deeper level of communication that involves more emotion, sharing of beliefs, ideas, etc. Maybe that’s just a result of me feeling more comfortable with them though and therefore more willing to delve myself.
There are many more of my male friends who don’t know I’m gay than my female friends. Part of it is that with most of my male friends, we rarely delve into those deeper levels of conversation where it would feel natural to bring it up. Another part of it is that with some of my male friends, I think the process would just be way too draining. Especially the super straight ones that I’ve known for a long time and who would probably try to convince me that I just haven’t met the right girl yet. And well, it just feels more dangerous to divulge to a male friend over a female friend. There's more at risk.
All of this isn’t to say that I don’t connect with any straight men. That’s not true either. I have many straight friends that I feel a different kind of connection with. I have one straight friend who I feel like I am able to connect with just as much as my gay friends and there are other friendships where I feel like the same could happen if we lived in the same state.
Anyway, I’m curious what the experience has been for others. Male, female, gay or straight. Do you have a friends of the same gender but different sexual orientation? Is it ever awkward? Do you find it easier to connect with the same gender? Opposite gender? Most importantly, when is dinner? I’m effing hungry…
Anyway, I got to thinking about my own friendships. Certainly, of all my male friendships, my closest male friends are gay. I have a lot of straight male friends, but there’s definitely something different. Some kind of divide. Generally speaking, I don’t connect with them like I do with my gay male friends. I’m sure part of the greater ease of connecting with gay friends is having a shared experience. It also seems like my gay friends are more willing to delve into a deeper level of communication that involves more emotion, sharing of beliefs, ideas, etc. Maybe that’s just a result of me feeling more comfortable with them though and therefore more willing to delve myself.
There are many more of my male friends who don’t know I’m gay than my female friends. Part of it is that with most of my male friends, we rarely delve into those deeper levels of conversation where it would feel natural to bring it up. Another part of it is that with some of my male friends, I think the process would just be way too draining. Especially the super straight ones that I’ve known for a long time and who would probably try to convince me that I just haven’t met the right girl yet. And well, it just feels more dangerous to divulge to a male friend over a female friend. There's more at risk.
All of this isn’t to say that I don’t connect with any straight men. That’s not true either. I have many straight friends that I feel a different kind of connection with. I have one straight friend who I feel like I am able to connect with just as much as my gay friends and there are other friendships where I feel like the same could happen if we lived in the same state.
Anyway, I’m curious what the experience has been for others. Male, female, gay or straight. Do you have a friends of the same gender but different sexual orientation? Is it ever awkward? Do you find it easier to connect with the same gender? Opposite gender? Most importantly, when is dinner? I’m effing hungry…
who wouldn't have a crush on Kris? so adorable... wife shmife.
ReplyDeleteas a gay guy, there is definitely a different dynamic between my straight male friends vs gay male friends, the biggest difference being my level of honesty. there are exceptions to this, but for the most part straight guys don't want to hear me talk about anything gay (who i think is hot, am i dating, Madonna's new album), and rather prefer to pretend i'm straight. these are normally friends from childhood who i had to "come out" to, since i rarely make friends now with guys who have any discomfort with my fagginess.
being friends with other gays has its own set of issues as well -- one-sided attraction, differing views on gay rights, etc. (believe it or not, i've met a ton of queens who are adamantly against gay marriage). but generally i'm able to be myself more when i'm around my gay friends, without worrying about making them uncomfortable or getting them all concerned about my spiritual welfare.
and when you have one too many and kiss your straight friend, they're often not very forgiving. gay guys are much better at shrugging it off :)
So ignoring the main point of the blog.... Kris is my ideal boyfriend. Adam is my ideal gay friend.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm totally late, but I thought I'd chip in my 2 cents (or more, whatev..)
ReplyDeleteI actually relate to more straight guys than gay guys. I've always found gay dudes to be generally less mature than straight ones. I typically am the token gay in most circles. My straight pals are awesome, though - they're all pretty secure, and they hug me and love me more than I do a lot of times. Even my VERY hetero brother. It's kinda funny, haha. My straight friends are ALWAYS the first ones to ask me to dance with them, and my gay friends almost always REFUSE! Haha~
i have had some bad experiences with men in the past, but i find that often the only people who don't understand that are straight men. bi-women and men, gay men, and straight women have often been targets of some sexual joke or abuse, and therefore often don't treat others in a way they know is painful. i rarely have issues trusting, or feeling close to my lesbian friends, and if i do, its not because they're lesbian. i often have trouble feeling close to my hetero male friends, and when i do, it is because they are men, and the pain other men have caused me.
ReplyDeleteI've definitely had closer gay male friends than straight in the last few years and I think mostly for the reasons listed above, besides the added bonus of not having to worry about "ambiguity in your relationship-- aka whether one wants it to become more than friendship, etc. I've found I've had to become more aware of my boundaries and humor with lesbian friends/coworkers, since much of my natural energy or teasing could be confused as flirting/making a move etc. That's more before we know each other well and I haven't brought up dating/relationship stories, whatever. I connect more with straight female friends by default-- more opportunity/time/greater population in my social circles, and sadly the divide with gay/lesbian friends is more of a personal moral dilemma that has to do with friends of any sexual orientation these days. In trying to be supportive and empathetic and open-minded, I can be influenced by those who advocate for moral relativism to the degree of becoming dis-oriented/confused. But this is also good because it causes me to dig deeper into what and why I believe and act as I do-- I've just struggled to walk that line/find the balance. Sometimes it is frustrating to find that there is more stigma on expressing affection/friendship for person's of the same sex now-- aka holding hands with sisters, friends-- for worrying that people/strangers will see that as gay. Part of me thinks that's other people's problem but then there's the whole "appearance of a thing" thing. I think it's less of a concern in countries/cultures where kissing/holding hands is common among friends of any gender. Don't get me wrong, most of my friends I have never wanted nor ever will want to hold hands with or kiss. I'm just sayin... ;)
ReplyDeleteBy the way, Duque= Emily D.
ReplyDelete