A friend emailed me this quote by Eckhart Tolle:
With any human relationship, the question is, "Is there space?" Use that as a little mantra. Is there space in this relationship? Put bluntly, it's a space when thought becomes unimportant, and any judgment of your mind, even emotion, becomes unimportant when something deeper is there: awareness, stillness, alert, alive, stillness, as space.
This is the type of quote that you could throw out to a dozen people and get a dozen different interpretations, which is one reason why I like it. I reminds me of an experience I had the summer after moving to Portland. I believe I had fairly recently come out to my friend KaRyn and we were at the Oregon coast with a couple other friends. She and I were walking along the beach chatting and eventually the conversation petered out and we just walked in silence for bit. Then KaRyn said, "Aw, we're now the type of friends that can be comfortably silent together."
To me, that quote is about allowing that stillness and silence to exist in relationships as a...um...silent partner. It's a stillness that allows you to see beyond the roles you need the other person to play, the expectations you have for each other. It allows you to get a sense of their essence instead of their ego. It lets go of trying to think of the next thing to say in order to preserve the narrative you've created together, and as a result opens up the relationship to unthought of narratives that might be more substantive and healing.
I think it also creates sustainable relationships. How often do you tire of certain relationships but you can't quite put your finger on why? Maybe it's because the relationship is trying to follow a narrative that no longer serves a purpose but there's fear to alter the chemistry and balance of a relationship because it's worked in the past and is the basis for the relationship.
I've discovered that one sign of a good friend is one who allows you the space to be something new each time you meet by leaving everything they know about you behind and letting you re-create yourself, much like Skye's Sweet Onions of Forgivness.
What about you, kittens? How do you create space in your relationships and what does it feel like to you?
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I think the only fitting comment here is...
ReplyDelete*silence*
But, in all seriousness, that space that exists between relationships is great, as long as what exists as not space is meaningful and fulfilling. Oftentimes, we need the lack of connection to make us treasure every moment we have. (That's a cliché, but still true.)
I like it. I've been thinking for a while about doing a post on friendship... Maybe this is the post that will motivate me to do that!
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of that beautiful moment in A Single Man, where they are just sitting on the couch together, each reading his own book. Watching that scene, I immediately thought, 'Yes. That is what I want.' Sigh.
ReplyDeleteSomeday.
Anonymous, I know what you mean about that scene in A Single Man. I remember thinking the exact same thing when I saw it.
ReplyDeletefor me there just is space, as we have a long distance relationship. but that has actually strengthened us, as well as the amount of time we've known eachother (10+ years) so that when we are togehter we can have that space, where we can be sitting silently reading books, but still be prefectly in synch when something does happen. i think its important just to listen, and to actually hear and not interpret. also, like that entry you did a long time ago about seeing whats actually there. it helps you to get to know someone so much better, instead of the person you wish was there, and that creates safe emotional places for those relationship spaces to exisit :)
ReplyDelete