Emotionally flat and surveying the land

Last night I had a session with my counselor. I walked in and she asked, “What’s up? You seem emotionally flat.” Those might not have been her actual initial words, but those are the words she used to clarify what she was asking. I hadn’t really thought much about it and said, “I dunno, I don’t really feel flat.” I think I did feel some absence of emotion but hadn’t really thought about it much because it wasn’t any extreme emotion.

So we went through our session and something that we talked about towards the end sparked an understanding of where the emotional flatness might be coming from. I can’t remember exactly what we were talking about but it occurred to me that the last couple weeks I haven’t been as enthusiastic about blogging. Ever since I started the blog, whenever I think of something I want to blog about I completely dive into it. A lot of it has been to help me process things. I process stuff best when I write it out and it’s also been exciting to share my thoughts with others.

Another thing about the blog is that it’s been a coming out tool of sorts. In the past year or two I’ve been on a path of gradually coming out to friends and family. I realized last night what great material the blog and coming out has been for me. It’s helped me change and deepen existing relationships and I’ve created exciting new ones. It’s given me lots of raw emotional material to work through. It’s helped me understand better who I am and what I’m capable of. The past year or two have been transformative to say the least. Ask anyone who has been walking with me through it that last few years.

The last couple of years have also been a period of intense reconciliation between my testimony and my homosexuality. Not that I think I now have that all figured out, but I feel fairly comfortable with things as they are right now.

Now I’m finding that all this is becoming fairly normal to me. The journey is still exciting, but not nearly as much as when I was in the thick of it. That’s where I think the emotional flatness comes from. I’m not trying to ascribe any great or deep meaning to this. I’m just sitting back and observing. I feel like I’ve come through the most intense part of my own great awakening and reached a plateau and I’m curious to see what comes next. Stay tuned.

Oh, and here’s my wordle. If you go to http://www.wordle.net/ and put in your blog address, it will take commonly used words from your blog and create a word cloud. I’ve seen a couple other people do this and thought it was cool.