No More Strangers and Foreigners

I just read this opinion piece that was in the Salt Lake Tribune by Bob Rees and Bill Bradshaw. I tried to find it in my reader feed so I could share it in my sidebar but I couldn't so I thought I'd just devote a post to it. The article discusses a study by a woman named Caitlin Ryan about the correlation between family acceptance or rejection of gay family members and the gay family members mental and emotional health as they mature into adulthood. I know, I know, it's kind of sad that we need a study to tell us that familial rejection is bad on the psyche and familial love and support is good on the psyche, but apparently we do need a study to tell us this. Thank you Dr. Ryan for doing it.

I saw Dr. Ryan present the results of her study a couple of years ago when I went to a Sunstone symposium in San Francisco. I remember someone in the audience saying that this is something that the broader church needs to hear and especially in Utah where there seems to be higher rates of suicide and teen homelessness due to family rejection of gay family members. I have no idea if that's actually true, but either way, it's something all of us could benefit greatly from hearing and it made me happy to see an article about Dr. Ryan's study in the Salt Lake Tribune.

I'm guessing most of you know who Bill Bradshaw is because of the lecture he gave recently at BYU on the biology of homosexuality and his interview on Mormon Stories, but Bob Rees might not be as familiar. He is similar to Bill in that he is an active and believing member of the church who is trying to create more understanding in the church on the issue of homosexuality. He wrote a fantastic piece called No More Strangers and Foreigners: A Mormon Christian Response to Homosexuality that is well worth the read if you haven't already read it. I think it's also very palatable to mainstream members of the church, and would be a good thing to share with family members and friends who are getting their feet wet on the subject and want to understand more.

On a side note, my choir had a concert last night. I can't tell you how happy and loved I felt to have Pablo, Konrad, Trevor, James and other friends from church come and support me. Afterwards, we went out for crappy, strip mall Chinese food. I don't know if anyone else appreciated the moment, but it was great to sit and eat with a group of people that consisted of a mix of gay and straight and varying levels of affection and disaffection towards the church. In a way I kind of hope no one else noticed, that it just happened, because that's what we do, we sit down with people who are not like us, and we eat crappy food with each other family style, and we laugh together.

Agency Expanded

I skyped with my sister last week and she told me she had to give a talk in church on agency or freedom of choice. She didn't want to merely regurgitate the same old stuff and I immediately thought of a talk by Kathleen Flake that I've referred to before on my blarg. The link there to listen to the talk doesn't work anymore, so here's a new link. If you haven't listened to the talk, I think it's worth a listen. One of the things she talks about is that typically we think of agency as freedom to make choices, which is true. If I stop there though, that kind of limits what is possible for me.

She expands agency and says that it is also the freedom to make meaning. It's pretty easy to sit back and let other people tell us what things mean. It's particularly easy to fall into that rut in church or politics, because there are plenty of people who are willing to dogmatically tell us what things mean and there are even more people who allow others to dictate to them the meaning of all things. Each of us, however, is blessed with a mind and a body and spirit and the power to explore for ourselves, with the help of the Divine, and discover what things mean.

The next morning I was driving to work. I got a bunch of audio recordings of some of the Sunstone sessions I went to in August and I've been listening to them during my commute. I was listening to one by Phil McLemore called "Hindering the Saints" and he talks about how some aspects of church culture hinder us from spiritual exploration and growth. He talks a bit about the power of choice. Here's my transcription of what he says.

We talk a ton about using free agency, our power of choice, to keep commandments and do the right thing; however, it is a known fact that most human beings are bundles of conditioned perceptions and responses and that only about 5% of our choices are the result of conscious, aware decision making. This is the reason so many good people fail in their best efforts to become Christlike and to fulfill their spiritual potential. Instead of continuing to beat the drum of using our agency to choose the right, when 95% of our spiritual will power is in captivity to physical, emotional and cultural conditioning, why don’t we talk about how agency can be expanded. It is not expanded by listing over and over what is right and what is wrong. This results only in boredom, guilt and frustration. It is expanded as one moves into the inner path and is reborn through the purifying influence of God’s love and grace. In this process, the old natural man, usually subconscious patterns and habits, are weakened and as the inside is cleansed, the outer being becomes clear and clean and suddenly choices in harmony with divine nature are more easily made.

I think a lot people don't realize how much of what they choose to do is the result of that bundle of conditioned responses or a role they think they need to play. I think lists of what is right and what is wrong is a good elementary foundation, but eventually the time comes to move beyond that and explore who you are and what things mean to you in your individual situation and how you can find peace and love and happiness.

It Doesn't Get Better at Boot Camp

Saturday I went to boot camp. Yes, KDubs, I go to boot camp. We did sprints at the beginning so I was already kind of winded right from the start. Right after the sprints, some guy who is a regular walked past me and put his hand on my shoulder and said, "It gets better." Maybe he looked at me and thought, surely this guy was bullied in gym class. Either way, it didn't get better. It got much worse when we had to do duck walks and bear crawls and burpees and jumping lunges. My thighs are still sore.

My friend Melysses S. Grant is doing the 25 days of Christmas on her blog. As a part of that, she is giving her own in depth analysis and insight into the lyrics of the most beloved of Christmas songs. She's already done Chestnuts Roasting, Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas and Jingle Bell Rock. Tomorrow it's going to be Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays by N'sync. You can't wait. She also takes requests and does lip syncs as well.

Man skills with MNJ

About a month ago, MNJ had to come to Portland for work, so he arrived a day early and we spent the day shopping and eating delicious food. He and Mandi gave me this book for my birthday.

Apparently, they think I need some butching up. I'd like to share with you some things I've learned. Chapter three of the book is on Love and Sex. There is a section in this chapter with the title "How to Identify Breast Implants". This has come in very handy. I like to know what I'm working with when talking to a woman. Am I right, fellas? No? Well, here are the six things to look for to spot fake, vine ripened chest fruit.

1. Remember: if they look too good to be true, they probably are.

2. Assess breast size as compared to frame size.

3. Be suspicious of baseball-shaped breasts or strangely arranged breasts (remember the spring break episode of Arrested Development? If not, find it and watch it.)

4. Check cleavage for rippling of the skin.

5. If appropriate, brush up against or hug someone with suspected breast implants.

6. Check under and around the breast for scarring. (I think it's safe to say I probably won't ever get the chance to use this method.)

While we were out shopping, we found a fun store with fun masks. You can call me Cleopatra and MNJ Queen Elizabeth. Emphasis on the Queen.

We also stopped by Little Winter, where I bought this print by Lisa Golightly. She has some fantastic stuff. Check it out on Etsy.

My Teenage Dream

Remember the Glee episode when Kurt visits the Dalton Academy and meets up with Blaine, who sings him Teenage Dream with all the other boys of the school? I liked that. After that show aired, my friend Ansley sent me this review of that episode. Tom and Lorenzo, the authors of the post, discuss that as fantastic as the "It Get's Better" project is, it only goes so far. Unfortunately, kids get their cues on what's normal and acceptable from the media. Here's what T&L have to say:

To the straight people reading us: remember high school? Remember your favorite songs and movies, TV shows and music videos from that period? Imagine if all of that media bombardment telling you what to like, what to wear, and how to be attractive, popular, and cool, imagine that all of that aimed for and addressed everyone else but you. Imagine what it's like when every sappy love song (or angry breakup song), every rom com, every trendy TV show and blockbuster movie, even every video game, imagine if they all depicted a form of romantic love that simply isn't available to you. Imagine going through high school without even so much as a hint of yourself reflected in any of the things you watch and listen to, any of the things that literally every other kid is talking about. Imagine the one thing you want more than anything in the world: to be kissed, please god, just to be kissed, imagine you have never seen that depicted anywhere or referred to in any way but as something to be mocked and shunned.

This is why the "Teenage Dream" sequence was so incredibly powerful. I remember getting lots of chills when I watched it, but the strange thing is that it didn't fully occur to my why it was giving me the chills it was until after I read the blog post above. But it's true. It was thrilling to see something depicted that I could actually relate too. I think I was also kind of annoyed that it was giving me chills and that I liked it so much because it was so damn cheesy. But it was allowing me to experience, by proxy, unlived teenage dreams.

This point was driven home even further last night when several Mormon young single adult congregations in the Portland area had a joint activity that was what they called a "Charity Date Auction." The title is a little bit misleading. It was actually a date auction for charity and not an auction of charity dates.

Anyway, I wasn't really planning on going. I meet with a trainer on Monday nights, so I wouldn't have been able to get there until well after it started. Plus there's the fact that I would have probably just ended up being annoyed by the whole thing. Lately though, I've been learning to experience such things while wearing the hat of a cultural anthropologist. When I do, these experiences become more interesting and somewhat less annoying.

So I went and caught part of the auction wearing my anthro hat. Sadly, it was a silent auction. I think a live auction (is that what they're called?) would have been so much more entertaining. I was envisioning something more along the lines of the date auction in Groundhog Day. It was interesting though to go and listen to what I was feeling. There was a sense of interest on my part to witness what was going on and to just sit back and observe in a fairly detached way.

I realized though as I left that I had this semi latent feeling of jealousy and longing. The energy in the air from good natured, sexually repressed Mormon twenty-somethings having a forum to express possible romantic interest in each other was incredibly tangible. Pretty much any Mormon young single adult event is infused with this energy: the excitement of possibly meeting someone you might like, or learning about someone who might be interested in you, the dread of having someone you're not interested in try to hit on you.

The energy is there and it's thick and I've almost never been able to experience it personally or feel a part of it in those settings. Early on, before I came to terms with my attraction to men, I probably would have just identified the inability as me being different somehow and that it was my problem that I had a hard time fitting myself into those scenes. It didn't occur to me that maybe those scenes weren't providing what I needed or hungered for, or that maybe I was so lost in what I was supposed to like and do that my own God given instincts and internal voice (the spirit) was getting completely drowned out.

I also realize that this experience of not feeling like you fit in, whether being a gay Mormon at a young single adult activity or anything else, isn't exclusive to gay Mormons. I'm curious what other experiences people have had with not feeling like you fit in with what was being portrayed around you, whatever the circumstance. How did you process it, grow from it or learn more about what your actual needs are, etc.? Or maybe you're still in the stage of being able to identify that you don't feel like you fit in somewhere that you think you should, but you can't exactly put your finger on why that is. How do you go about getting in touch with yourself enough to be able to start to understand where the discomfort comes from and what it can tell you about who you are and what your needs are?

On not leaving the church alone

I first became aware of Holly Welker this past summer. A friend sent me a fantastic piece she wrote for The Huffington Post for Pioneer Day, in which she celebrates modern Mormon pioneers like Carol Lynn Pearson, Dustin Lance Black and others. When I went to the Salt Lake Sunstone Symposium in August, I saw that Holly was presenting a paper on the Twilight books. I read her bio that accompanied a description of what she was going to present. Her bio listed the publications that she has been published in and the list started with The New Era and ended with Bitch. That kind of sealed the deal for me.

Holly came up to the Sunstone Symposium in Seattle/Portland a week and a half ago where we met and chatted. I felt an almost instantly comfortable connection with Holly, which is kind of a strangely beautiful thing for me because there was a time when she probably would have scared me. I used to be incredibly uncomfortable with anyone or anything that was even slightly critical of the church and its leaders. I most definitely would have been found nodding in agreement when someone would state the oft repeated phrase about how people who leave the church can’t leave the church alone.

Now I realize that it’s much more complicated than that, and that subtle brand of condescension doesn’t do anyone any good. There are many varied and valid reasons why people leave the church and I think it’s important to know and understand those reasons and the people who do choose to leave. And the seeking to understand shouldn’t come from a place of superiority or from a place of trying to manipulate them back into the fold. I think it should come from a place of exploring how another person’s experience can inform and shape and instruct my own.

One thing I’ve noticed with my friends and family, who have left full activity in the church, is that well meaning people try to minister to their needs and questions without being willing or able to fully explore the reasons why they left in the first place or without seeking to know and see them. It sends the probably unintended but still insulting message that their status with the institutional church is more important than their actual well-being.

Holly recently wrote a great piece for Religion Dispatches. She doesn’t discuss why she left the church, but she does a beautiful job of explaining why she wont’t leave the church alone. If you read it and other things she has written, you may not agree with everything she says or how she says it, but I’m willing to bet that your experience with Mormonism will become fuller and more three dimensional as a result, whether you have left the church or are a true believing member or fall somewhere in between.

I should mention that O-Mo also recently wrote a terrific blog post about leaving the church but not leaving it alone. Check it out.

Sexter Alert!

This is an urgent warning to all moho bloggers. I feel the need to warn you about a predator amongst us. He will pretend to respect your boundaries and build up a certain level of trust. He will make you feel comfortable enough that you might even give him your phone number so you can phone talk. He’ll send you benign texts at first, but then one day, he’ll unexpectedly take his phone into the bathroom at work, take a picture and sext you salacious garbage like this….



I can’t prove it, but I bet his pants were pulled down at least part way. Beware the sexter!!

An Experiment on the Word

I’m assuming that by now most of you have heard of the blog (Gay) Mormon Guy. The blog became fairly popular after its author posted a response to Packer's conference talk. I know there has been some speculation about whether or not GMG is who he says he is. Regardless of who he is or isn’t, I initially felt rubbed the wrong way by his blog because it seemed as though he was becoming an unofficial spokesperson for gay Mormons, and I felt that he didn’t effectively speak for me and my experiences.

I’ve moved past that for the most part and now I am able to appreciate his blog for a couple reasons. One, I believe it helps up the maturity level from where it was with many Mormons on the issue of homosexuality. By no means do I think it gets us where we need to be (and I wouldn’t pretend to know where we need to be, I just recognize that we most certainly aren’t there yet), but at least there are now Mormons, besides other gay Mormons, who want to read about the experiences of a gay Mormon guy. It starts with baby steps.

The other reason that I am coming to appreciate his blog is that because his approach to the issue doesn’t resonate with me, it acts as a foil to me and my experiences. It has helped me bring my thoughts and experiences into sharper focus.

GMG recently posted this on his blog. He talks about being concerned that blogging about homosexuality is bringing it more to the forefront in his life, and whether or not that is a good thing. I posted the following comment:

I think there's a lot of value in allowing yourself to feel the attraction, and listen to what it's telling you about yourself and how you relate to others. It's becoming very clear that the church stance is that feeling the attraction itself is not a sin, so I say why not feel it and listen to it and see what God has to tell me through it.

GMG posted this response to my comment:

The Church is clear that unwanted attraction is not a sin. But I am more afraid of the sin of complacency. When I feel attracted to a guy I try to understand what is going through my head... but not just to watch emotions and hormones take over. It's to better understand how to leverage the resources I have to help me fulfill my own personal goals and help others in their own lives.

I posted another comment in response to that, but I’m not sure if it will be posted yet since he moderates comments on his posts. I wish I had copied and pasted it somewhere because now it’s gone. Basically what I said though is that when I suggested that it might be OK to allow myself to feel the attraction that I didn’t necessarily mean that I should give myself over to hormonally lustful fantasies.

I experience the attraction as much more than just a physical thing. It’s also emotional and intellectual and even spiritual. I think some gay Mormon guys are too uncomfortable with or worried about the physical attraction surfacing that they also cut themselves off from feeling the other types of attractions (emotional, intellectual, spiritual) that are the basis for experiencing meaningful and healing connections and relationships with other men. Connections and relationships that are vital to growing into well integrated and emotionally healthy adulthood, whether your goal is a same sex relationship, opposite sex relationship or celibacy.

A few years ago, I decided to ignore what the church and its leaders were telling me about homosexuality. I decided to open myself up to the idea of seeking out and settling down in a long term relationship with another man. I also knew that I wasn’t emotionally ready for something like that so I decided to focus on becoming emotionally ready. I was kind of surprised at what happened. Opening up that space gave the attraction room to breathe. The space allowed the attraction to grow and change and mature beyond the gay adolescence that many closeted men get stuck in. Before it was mostly just physical and often all consuming. Now it it’s more full and nuanced. The emotional and intellectual and spiritual aspects of it have been allowed to show themselves and it doesn’t seem to be so all consuming.

To me, allowing myself to experience the attraction isn’t about complacency. It’s about experimenting on the word like I believe my Creator has asked me to do.

Love Fest 2010

This weekend I attended a Sunstone symposium in Seattle and part of that was a panel discussion of Mormon feminism. There were four fantastic ladies on the panel and they talked a little bit about their experiences “coming out” as Mormon feminists. Some of them spoke of the community they found through email lists before blogging came into its own and then blogging. Certainly that wasn’t the birth of Mormon feminism, but technology has certainly facilitated the formation of community. They spoke of the joy of being able to connect with others who felt the same way about the role of women in the church and in general, the comfort of being able to voice frustrations and doubts and fears in a safe space without feeling judged or looked down on.

Of course I couldn’t help but think of the parallels with the gay Mormon community that exists online. I also couldn’t help but think of all the fantastic people I’ve been able to meet and develop enriching relationships with. I’ve only been blogging for about a year and a half, but I’ve met some truly wonderful people who have profoundly impacted my journey of figuring out what it means to be gay and Mormon. I also feel like it has been a place for me to express myself and as a result, begin to find myself.

It’s also been a way to share a part of myself that I held private for so many years with both friends and family, and as a result, connect more fully with them. There was a lot of compartmentalization before. For those who knew the secret, I could feel more comfortable in being myself and letting go. For those who didn’t know, I had to remember to keep my guard up. Now I feel more integrated and whole than I did before. Much like George Costanza, I was always concerned about different worlds colliding because I was different things in different worlds. Now I find myself letting them collide and then sitting back and seeing what happens as a result. To me and to others. It forces me to stake down who I am, instead of trying to cater to whomever I’m with.

So this post is a love letter to all my peeps online and offline, gay and straight and in between, family and friends. Thanks for being a part of my community. <3

This and That

If you are in the Portland area, you are probably going to want to check out Little Winter this weekend. My friend Chelsea at frolic! is co-sponsoring the event . It’s a handmade market of local craftspeople and I think it’s going to be fantastic. Details are at the website. MNJ is going to be in town this weekend for work, so we are going to check it out.

Also, I have a guest post up at The Exponent. Go check it out and join the conversation. Thanks, Stella, for letting me play on your blog.

Time to go meet the dream team for lunch at Bunk. Mmmmm....