Hello Blog. I've missed you.

I made the trip to SLC and it was kind of big. I was telling a friend beforehand about everything that would be going on this past weekend, and as I was telling her, I began to realize that the trip had a lot of potential for disaster. Fortunately, it went really well.

I moved up to Portland almost 7 years ago after I graduated from BYU. For the past several years whenever I go to visit family in Utah, I have always felt a little bit lost and out of sorts. Portland became the place where I came into my own. I’ve established my own social circles. I’ve gotten control of my life. I’ve learned and grown and become an adult. Then I go back to SLC and suddenly young Jon takes over. I slip into my old family role. I disengage and fade into the background and feel lost and like I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to do and who I’m supposed to be.

This trip a lot of that changed. Somehow I figured out how to bring adult Jon with me. There were several factors that I think contributed to that. One, I’ve been working through a lot of issues that I have/had with my parents. I’m learning to accept them for who they are and not the ideal that I would like them to be. I realize that they are figuring things out as they go along just like I am. I’m also realizing that who they are doesn’t necessarily need to dictate who I am. I take the good things they’ve taught me and integrate them into the person that I want to be.

Another thing that was different was that this was the first time seeing friends in Utah that I came out to in the last several months over the phone. Utah became the place where nobody knew about me and so I felt like I couldn’t be myself. This time, however, I felt like my whole self was able to show up. I have a lot of incredible friends who have shown nothing but love and support, no matter what path I end up following. I wish I could explain what that type of unconditional love does for me. It’s a healing type of love. It’s a love that helps me understand a little bit more of the unconditional love God feels for me. I think we too often picture God as one who places restrictions on His love for us. We think He only loves us as long as we do what He wants us to, because that’s generally what we experience with earthly relationships. It changes the game when you realize and internalize the fact that no matter how much you might screw up your life, there is a God who loves you still and always. Thanks, friends, for helping me experience a little bit of that. It was also nice having Portland friends in SLC. I think all of these things helped me mix two worlds together into one nice homogenous mixture. I think that's one reason why I decided to open up my blog to people from all areas of my life. I don't want to be different things to different groups of people. I want to be homogenous. (And when I say homogenous, I mean uniform and the same throughout instead of compartmentalized pieces of myself. That's not a clever combination of the words homosexual and erogenous. Sorry, I had to do it.)

This was also the trip where I came out to my two youngest sisters. The talk went well. Thanks everyone for your advice and kind words. It ended up being a really great teaching moment and helped me feel closer to them. My oldest sister joined me in telling them and we tried to make it casual. We sat around my sister’s hot tub and soaked our feet and ate ice cream (um, oatmeal cookie batter ice cream with Reese’s peanut butter cups at Coldstone is pretty much amazing) and I tried to treat them like adults and make them feel like they could ask questions and I think I was successful. It was nice to have my oldest sister there to chime in as well and provide her perspective. She’s very close to the two youngest sisters.

This weekend was also, of course, my friends’ wedding. It was a great experience. Emily’s parents aren’t members of the church and so she asked me to be one of the witnesses. It was great to witness two people I love begin their life together. The sealer was probably like 114. Spencer W. Kimball set him apart as a sealer over 30 years ago. He actually kind of looked like SWK. If he’d had a raspy voice, I would have thought they resurrected him early to perform the sealing. At one point after the ceremony, he was giving them advice and told them to avoid “phonography”. At first I thought I had just heard it wrong but he pronounced it that way at least 3 or 4 times and said it could be found on the internet. Anyway, I guess I’ll have to take back the phonograph that I got them for their wedding. Lame. :)

There’s more to write about, but I think I’ll break it up into separate posts. Look forward to hearing about my brief 10 minute stint at the Evergreen conference/hanging out with O-Mo, brunch with my long lost friend Margaret, an afternoon at BYU, and group therapy with my parents.

One more entertaining side note. This was the bed I slept in while I was there. Thanks Mo!