I'm pleased to announce a marriage...

As I've been blogging, I've gradually become more open about my identity. There's really no secret. As a result, I believe that lots of childhood friends, extended family, people at church, etc. are discovering this side of me (the gay side) through my blog. I'm strangely OK with that. Sure, it makes me feel a little bit uneasy at times, but that's kind of how I wanted it. I want people to know, but I want it to happen organically. I don't want to, and don't think I should go around telling people "PS, you should probably know that I like men. And not platonically." That catches people off guard and can often have undesirable results.


On Friday, someone posted a comment on an old blog post and asked some really fantastic questions. This someone is someone I know (the commenter essentially tells me that in the comment), but he/she posted anonymously so all I know is that I know this person, but not from where. I attempted to answer the questions in the comments section of that post and then thought maybe I should put the questions and my thoughts in a post of their own. So here it is. I also thought I should say, if you know me and have discovered this side of me through my blog and have questions, please feel free to ask, I'm pretty comfortable with the topic. Send me an email, ask me in person or if you're more comfortable doing it anonymously through comments, that's fine too. All I ask is that you be civil and respectful, which kind of feels weird to say, because I have yet to have an ugly experience talking about this with people, but maybe I'm inviting that to happen now. :)

Here are the questions:


I can't say I know or understand how you feel because I really don't. Perhaps I haven't read enough of your blog, but I am curious as to where you feel that these feelings come from and your thoughts on how to pursue life and happiness through the church when it could be very real that you will not get married or have children. My intentions are not to argue or "discuss" or disagree with you in any way, but merely to help me understand a little of your perspective on the gospel.

Such questions include:

Do you feel you will have the opportunity to have a wife and family beyond mortal existence if you do not have one in your time here on the earth?

If no, to what purpose do you see the role of a gay Latter-Day Saint? The church doesn't exactly come out and say that there are roles, rather they just say our purpose is to get married and have kids and go to the Celestial Kingdom.


And here's my attempt at some answers:


Mr./Mrs. Anonymous, now, of course, you've got me curious as to your identity. I didn't take offense to your questions, I'm glad you want to understand more. Sorry it took me a couple of days to respond, the weather's been fantastic this weekend. :)

As far as where I think the feelings came from, I think it would be interesting to know the answer to that. I think it probably varies by person. I initially believed that it developed as a result of the emotionally distant father theory and a failure to develop healthy relationships with other men. As a result, I thought all I had to do was repair those relationships and viola! I would be healed. 10 years later, I realize it's not that simple. I think it's probably a mixture of nature and nurture. My relationship with my dad is much better now than it was, and I've worked through my discomfort with men. I feel like I've become a fairly emotionally healthy adult. The attraction is still there though. Maybe that means that I was born this way. Maybe it means I just haven't given it enough time. And maybe it means neither. The truth is, no one on planet earth can really tell me for sure and so I try not to focus too much on the why and instead focus on continuing to become whole through Christ. I'm finding that what it means to be whole through Christ is sometimes unexpected by me and I'm sure by others who observe my journey.

As far as marriage here or later, the answer again is that I have no idea. Marriage is a huge part of the LDS culture. I certainly think there are many reasons for that. I think that type of relationship provides people with experiences that tease out insecurities and issues. That can either serve to destroy the relationship, or if each person takes on the challenge and works through their insecurities and issues, marriage can become a very healing relationship. An exalting relationship. I think though, that sometimes we lose sight of what the end goal is. Lots of people focus on temple marriage being the ultimate and end goal. I see it as an important tool that can help a person towards the real ultimate goal...exaltation. I think most people wouldn't be able to become the type of person they'd need to become to live with God forever without going through the testing grounds of marriage.

Bottom line, I believe that if I continue to focus on my relationship with Christ, continue to become more whole and well through Him, all things will fall into place as they should.

As far as the role of gay Latter-day Saints, I feel very deeply that we have a role to play. I think the culture inside the church as well as outside of the church is not well. I think we're capable of a lot more. The truth is, homosexuality is no respecter of persons, people inside the church are affected by it just as much, if not more than people outside of the church. As a result, there's kind of a forced marriage between the church and the issue of homosexuality, teasing out insecurities and issues that exist in both. Now we can choose to live in a loveless, hostile and toxic marriage or figure out how to bring back the love. I don't think divorce is an option. I see signs that people on both sides are seeking to bring the love back. I'm hopeful that there are many who are willing and able to find that middle way. Isn't that where truth usually lies? Somewhere in the middle?

Thanks for caring enough to dialogue with me a little bit. If you want to talk more, I have an email listed in the link to my blogger profile above. Or maybe you already have my email...