There are probably some people who read my blog who will probably tune out as soon as they see the name Hillary Clinton. Come back!! Also, there might be some who when they see the words "gay rights", will automatically assume this is about gay marriage and tune out because they are tired of that whole debate. Come back!! Hillary gave a speech on gay rights in Geneva to the United Nations Human Rights Council, and she said a lot of really great things. You can watch her speech below or read the transcript here.
Here's an excerpt:
Of course, it bears noting that rarely are cultural and religious traditions and teachings actually in conflict with the protection of human rights. Indeed, our religion and our culture are sources of compassion and inspiration toward our fellow human beings. It was not only those who’ve justified slavery who leaned on religion, it was also those who sought to abolish it. And let us keep in mind that our commitments to protect the freedom of religion and to defend the dignity of LGBT people emanate from a common source. For many of us, religious belief and practice is a vital source of meaning and identity, and fundamental to who we are as people. And likewise, for most of us, the bonds of love and family that we forge are also vital sources of meaning and identity. And caring for others is an expression of what it means to be fully human. It is because the human experience is universal that human rights are universal and cut across all religions and cultures.
The fourth issue is what history teaches us about how we make progress towards rights for all. Progress starts with honest discussion. Now, there are some who say and believe that all gay people are pedophiles, that homosexuality is a disease that can be caught or cured, or that gays recruit others to become gay. Well, these notions are simply not true. They are also unlikely to disappear if those who promote or accept them are dismissed out of hand rather than invited to share their fears and concerns. No one has ever abandoned a belief because he was forced to do so.
Universal human rights include freedom of expression and freedom of belief, even if our words or beliefs denigrate the humanity of others. Yet, while we are each free to believe whatever we choose, we cannot do whatever we choose, not in a world where we protect the human rights of all.
Reaching understanding of these issues takes more than speech. It does take a conversation. In fact, it takes a constellation of conversations in places big and small. And it takes a willingness to see stark differences in belief as a reason to begin the conversation, not to avoid it.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
google reader sadness
For about as long as I've had my blog, I've had my "shared items" box in the sidebar. The box was populated by stuff I would read in Google Reader and then share. Google updated Reader a few weeks ago and it appears as though it lost that functionality. Boo. Well, you guys, I still have things to share. If anyone knows of a similar and simple way to share stuffs I find on the interwebs, feel free to clue me in. In the mean time, I will share some stuff below that I think you should check out.
First of all, Joanna Brooks deserves a paragraph all to herself. If you haven't heard of Joanna, I feel really bad for you. It's not too late to change that though. She has an advice column called Ask Mormon Girl where she tackles intriguing questions like "Is my Mormon hipster style wrecking my marriage chances?" or "My daughter is bringing her girlfriend home. What's a Mormon mom to do?" or "I'm at a tricky spot in my religious life, and I've let my temple recommend expire. Now, my best friend is getting married in the temple. Help?" or "I'm a 16 year old Latina Mormon, and I'm fed up with my ward's lame Young Women's Program. Help!" or "I'm sexually attracted to my fiance! Should I fee guilty?"
(OK, Joanna get's two paragraphs) Also, if you haven't already, you should listen to Krista Tippett's interview with Joanna about Mormonism for Krista's public radio show OnBeing as well as Joanna's appearance on NPR's Talk of the Nation. Kendall interviewed both Joanna and Krista (separately) for Far Between, so you'll be able to see both of them in that next year. If it seems like I have a crush on Joanna, it's because I do. I dare you to try and not have a crush on her.
Other interesting items to check out:
Are Mormons Any Weirder Than The Rest of Us? from the Huffington Post
My Gay Husband from the New York Times
The forbidden labels of discipleship from my friend Adam's blog. He posts a conversation he had on Facebook with someone about homosexuality. I think he does a great job of addressing some common misunderstandings without it coming to blows. :)
And then there's this from Tom & Lorenzo. Because it's so. damn. funny.
I'm sure there are plenty of other things that I have read and loved and since forgotten. Blame Google.
First of all, Joanna Brooks deserves a paragraph all to herself. If you haven't heard of Joanna, I feel really bad for you. It's not too late to change that though. She has an advice column called Ask Mormon Girl where she tackles intriguing questions like "Is my Mormon hipster style wrecking my marriage chances?" or "My daughter is bringing her girlfriend home. What's a Mormon mom to do?" or "I'm at a tricky spot in my religious life, and I've let my temple recommend expire. Now, my best friend is getting married in the temple. Help?" or "I'm a 16 year old Latina Mormon, and I'm fed up with my ward's lame Young Women's Program. Help!" or "I'm sexually attracted to my fiance! Should I fee guilty?"
(OK, Joanna get's two paragraphs) Also, if you haven't already, you should listen to Krista Tippett's interview with Joanna about Mormonism for Krista's public radio show OnBeing as well as Joanna's appearance on NPR's Talk of the Nation. Kendall interviewed both Joanna and Krista (separately) for Far Between, so you'll be able to see both of them in that next year. If it seems like I have a crush on Joanna, it's because I do. I dare you to try and not have a crush on her.
Other interesting items to check out:
Are Mormons Any Weirder Than The Rest of Us? from the Huffington Post
My Gay Husband from the New York Times
The forbidden labels of discipleship from my friend Adam's blog. He posts a conversation he had on Facebook with someone about homosexuality. I think he does a great job of addressing some common misunderstandings without it coming to blows. :)
And then there's this from Tom & Lorenzo. Because it's so. damn. funny.
I'm sure there are plenty of other things that I have read and loved and since forgotten. Blame Google.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
faith and doubt
I am convinced that there must be grounds for doubt as well as belief, in order to render the choice more truly a choice, and therefore the more deliberate, and laden with personal vulnerability and investment. The option to believe must appear on one's personal horizon like the fruit of paradise, perched precariously between sets of demands held in dynamic tension. One is, it would seem, always provided with sufficent materials out of which to fashion a life of credible conviction or dismissive denial. We are acted upon, in other words, by appeals to our personal values, our yearnings, our fears, our appetites and our ego. What we choose to embrace, to be responsive to, is the purest reflection of who we are and what we love. That is why faith, the choice to believe, is in the final analysis an action that is positively laden with moral significance. The call to faith is a summons to engage the heart, to attune it to resonate in sympathy with principles and values and ideals that we devoutly hope are true, and have reasonable but not certain grounds for believing to be true.
Terryl Givens, "Lightning out of Heaven: Joseph Smith and the Forging of Community," forum address, Brigham Young University, 29 November, 2005
I sense that my worship differs from that of many with whom I share a pew in sacrament meeting. This difference arises, I think, from a difference in the focus of our fundamental human anxiety...[M]y anxiety is focused not upon whether my immortal soul may suffer damnation but upon whether I have an immortal soul. It seems a pity to take one's immortality for granted, to expect it and count on it. It seems a pity to be so sheltered from the terror of death that one's gratitude for the resurrection is merely dutiful and perfunctory. Perhaps truly there are religious advantages to doubt. Perhaps only a doubter can appreciate the miracle of life without end.
Levi Peterson, "A Christian by Yearning: Pillars of My Faith," Sunstone, September, 1988, 20.
(Both quotes were included in the article "Soulcraft 101: Faith, Doubt, and the Process of Education" by Boyd Peterson)
Terryl Givens, "Lightning out of Heaven: Joseph Smith and the Forging of Community," forum address, Brigham Young University, 29 November, 2005
I sense that my worship differs from that of many with whom I share a pew in sacrament meeting. This difference arises, I think, from a difference in the focus of our fundamental human anxiety...[M]y anxiety is focused not upon whether my immortal soul may suffer damnation but upon whether I have an immortal soul. It seems a pity to take one's immortality for granted, to expect it and count on it. It seems a pity to be so sheltered from the terror of death that one's gratitude for the resurrection is merely dutiful and perfunctory. Perhaps truly there are religious advantages to doubt. Perhaps only a doubter can appreciate the miracle of life without end.
Levi Peterson, "A Christian by Yearning: Pillars of My Faith," Sunstone, September, 1988, 20.
(Both quotes were included in the article "Soulcraft 101: Faith, Doubt, and the Process of Education" by Boyd Peterson)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
the spirituality of gayness
Last week, Kendall was sharing quotes from past LDS general authorities or other leaders on the topic of homosexuality on the Far Between Facebook page. Some of them were older doozies like this one from Ernest Wilkinson, who was the president of BYU for twenty years in the 50's and 60's and felt the need to address the topic of homosexuality during a devotional with the student body:
If any of you have this tendency and have not completely abandoned it, may I suggest that you leave the university immediately after this assembly; and if you will be honest enough to let us know the reason, we will voluntarily refund your tuition. We do not want others on this campus to be contaminated by your presence. ("Make Honor Your Standard" BYU Speeches of the Year. 1965-1966, Provo, UT: Brigham Young University Press, 1966, p. 9)
There is also this passage from a talk Boyd K. Packer gave at the priesthood session of conference in October 1976. You won't find this talk in the online archives of general conference talks though. Mostly because it is one hot mess:
I repeat, very plainly, physical mischief with another man is forbidden. It is forbidden by the Lord. There are some men who entice young men to join them in these immoral acts. If you are ever approached to participate in anything like that, it is time to vigorously resist. While I was in a mission on one occasion, a missionary said he had something to confess. I was very worried because he just could not get himself to tell me what he had done.
After patient encouragement, he finally blurted out, "I hit my companion." "Oh, is that all," I said in great relief. "But I floored him," he said. After learning a little more, my response was, "Well, thanks. Somebody had to do it, and it wouldn't be well for a General Authority to solve the problem that way." I am not recommending that course to you, but I am not omitting it. You must protect yourself. (The talk in its entirety can be read here.)
The story seems a little incomplete, like Elder Packer is leaving out some details, but it sounds like a missionary punched his companion after he made some unwelcome advances and Elder Packer thanked him for doing so. I share these quotes just to illustrate how the response to and treatment of homosexuality and homosexuals themselves seems to have largely come from a place of fear and discomfort, at the expense of those who have and do thoughtfully try to find a space for themselves within the religious tradition they were brought up in and love.
I wish I could just dismiss the quotes above as rare and isolated and from a time when we just didn't understand things the way we do now. But try telling that to the BYU freshman who after hearing President Wilkinson's talk is afraid to open up to anyone about how he feels for fear of being seen as a contaminating presence on campus and for fear of being asked to leave the school. Or the teenaged boy listening to Elder Packer in conference suggest that violence is sometimes the answer. If you haven't read the section on homosexuality in The Miracle of Forgiveness, you should check that out (or maybe don't).
The problem with all of the above is that it takes a while for the culture that builds up around these comments made by these men who wield significant influence to die out or change. It also doesn't help that comments are still being made and talks are still being given that still seem to come from a place of fear and discomfort. (see Elder Packer's October 2010 conference talk).
The church's most recent official publication on same sex attraction is God Loveth His Children. It's definitely much better than what President Kimball had to say in The Miracle of Forgiveness, and a lot of the language used is at least more uplifting and maybe parts of it are even empowering, but then you still get stuff like this:
It is not helpful to flaunt homosexual tendencies or make them the subject of unnecessary observation or discussion. It is better to choose as friends those who do not publicly display their homosexual feelings. The careful selection of friends and mentors who lead constructive, righteous lives is one of the most important steps to being productive and virtuous. Association with those fo the same gender is natural and desirable, so long as you set wise boundaries to avoid improper and unhealthy emotional dependency, which may eventually result in physical and sexual intimacy. There is moral risk in having so close a relationship with one friend of the same gender that it may lead to vices the Lord has condemned.
It's slightly better, but it still seems to encourage avoidance of reality. I'm not even sure what it means to flaunt my homosexual tendencies, or to publicly display my homosexual feelings. I think early on I took it to mean that I needed to scrub out any part of me that might appear gay. I realized that by following and buying into what the church taught about homosexuality left me feeling disconnected from self and others and the spirit. There's this sense of finality to the approach. Like we know all there is to know on the subject, so everyone fall in line. We believe in continuing revelation, but somehow that doesn't seem to apply to homosexuality. I think the first step of continuing revelation is opening myself up to the idea that more revelation is needed. If I think I know all I need to know, then of course I won't be struck with new ways of perceiving and understanding things.
I much prefer this quote by Hugh B. Brown: We have been blessed with much knowledge by revelation from God which, in some part, the world lacks. But there is an incomprehensibly greater part of truth that we must yet discover. Our revealed truth should leave us stricken with the knowledge of how little we really know. It should never lead to an emotional arrogance based upon the false assumption that we somehow have all the answers - that we in fact have a corner on the truth. For we do not.
I share all of this because I listened to this fantastic exploration of gender and sexuality on the way to work this morning and it feels so much more open to possibilities and continued understanding. It feels more empowering and inspiring. Go ahead. Listen.
If any of you have this tendency and have not completely abandoned it, may I suggest that you leave the university immediately after this assembly; and if you will be honest enough to let us know the reason, we will voluntarily refund your tuition. We do not want others on this campus to be contaminated by your presence. ("Make Honor Your Standard" BYU Speeches of the Year. 1965-1966, Provo, UT: Brigham Young University Press, 1966, p. 9)
There is also this passage from a talk Boyd K. Packer gave at the priesthood session of conference in October 1976. You won't find this talk in the online archives of general conference talks though. Mostly because it is one hot mess:
I repeat, very plainly, physical mischief with another man is forbidden. It is forbidden by the Lord. There are some men who entice young men to join them in these immoral acts. If you are ever approached to participate in anything like that, it is time to vigorously resist. While I was in a mission on one occasion, a missionary said he had something to confess. I was very worried because he just could not get himself to tell me what he had done.
After patient encouragement, he finally blurted out, "I hit my companion." "Oh, is that all," I said in great relief. "But I floored him," he said. After learning a little more, my response was, "Well, thanks. Somebody had to do it, and it wouldn't be well for a General Authority to solve the problem that way." I am not recommending that course to you, but I am not omitting it. You must protect yourself. (The talk in its entirety can be read here.)
The story seems a little incomplete, like Elder Packer is leaving out some details, but it sounds like a missionary punched his companion after he made some unwelcome advances and Elder Packer thanked him for doing so. I share these quotes just to illustrate how the response to and treatment of homosexuality and homosexuals themselves seems to have largely come from a place of fear and discomfort, at the expense of those who have and do thoughtfully try to find a space for themselves within the religious tradition they were brought up in and love.
I wish I could just dismiss the quotes above as rare and isolated and from a time when we just didn't understand things the way we do now. But try telling that to the BYU freshman who after hearing President Wilkinson's talk is afraid to open up to anyone about how he feels for fear of being seen as a contaminating presence on campus and for fear of being asked to leave the school. Or the teenaged boy listening to Elder Packer in conference suggest that violence is sometimes the answer. If you haven't read the section on homosexuality in The Miracle of Forgiveness, you should check that out (or maybe don't).
The problem with all of the above is that it takes a while for the culture that builds up around these comments made by these men who wield significant influence to die out or change. It also doesn't help that comments are still being made and talks are still being given that still seem to come from a place of fear and discomfort. (see Elder Packer's October 2010 conference talk).
The church's most recent official publication on same sex attraction is God Loveth His Children. It's definitely much better than what President Kimball had to say in The Miracle of Forgiveness, and a lot of the language used is at least more uplifting and maybe parts of it are even empowering, but then you still get stuff like this:
It is not helpful to flaunt homosexual tendencies or make them the subject of unnecessary observation or discussion. It is better to choose as friends those who do not publicly display their homosexual feelings. The careful selection of friends and mentors who lead constructive, righteous lives is one of the most important steps to being productive and virtuous. Association with those fo the same gender is natural and desirable, so long as you set wise boundaries to avoid improper and unhealthy emotional dependency, which may eventually result in physical and sexual intimacy. There is moral risk in having so close a relationship with one friend of the same gender that it may lead to vices the Lord has condemned.
It's slightly better, but it still seems to encourage avoidance of reality. I'm not even sure what it means to flaunt my homosexual tendencies, or to publicly display my homosexual feelings. I think early on I took it to mean that I needed to scrub out any part of me that might appear gay. I realized that by following and buying into what the church taught about homosexuality left me feeling disconnected from self and others and the spirit. There's this sense of finality to the approach. Like we know all there is to know on the subject, so everyone fall in line. We believe in continuing revelation, but somehow that doesn't seem to apply to homosexuality. I think the first step of continuing revelation is opening myself up to the idea that more revelation is needed. If I think I know all I need to know, then of course I won't be struck with new ways of perceiving and understanding things.
I much prefer this quote by Hugh B. Brown: We have been blessed with much knowledge by revelation from God which, in some part, the world lacks. But there is an incomprehensibly greater part of truth that we must yet discover. Our revealed truth should leave us stricken with the knowledge of how little we really know. It should never lead to an emotional arrogance based upon the false assumption that we somehow have all the answers - that we in fact have a corner on the truth. For we do not.
I share all of this because I listened to this fantastic exploration of gender and sexuality on the way to work this morning and it feels so much more open to possibilities and continued understanding. It feels more empowering and inspiring. Go ahead. Listen.
Monday, November 7, 2011
circling the wagons in SLC
This past weekend I attended the "Circling the Wagons" conference in Salt Lake, sponsored by Mormon Stories. It's gotten quite a bit of coverage in the local Utah media as well as some national media attention: Deseret News, Salt Lake Tribune, Religion Dispatches, Towleroad, and Huffington Post. John Dehlin posted the talk given by Kevin Kloosterman, a current bishop who flew in from Illinois for the conference on his own dime, on the Mormon Stories site. There was some concern that his remarks were misrepresented in the Salt Lake Tribune article linked above. I wasn't there for those remarks, but I was present when he bore his testimony at the meeting on Saturday. I found him to be very sweet and engaging. He was incredibly brave to do what he did.
I really enjoyed Carol Lynn Pearson's talk. She does a terrific job of inspiring and also not being proscriptive about what is the correct path to follow. She talked about Joseph Campbell and the Hero's Journey and compared it to the journey of the gay Mormon. This youtube clip does a pretty good job of explaining the Hero's Journey. I thought it was incredibly wise of her to tap into a big metaphor that allows itself to be accessible to a broad audience.
One of the great things about conferences like these is seeing people you don't get to see often enough, meeting people you've been getting to know online and meeting new people altogether. I got to meet a long lost cousin this weekend. He contacted me after reading this post about my namesake. We both are descendents of my great great grandfather, who I am named after. We descend from different wives though. Anyway, it was a great surprise to meet him this weekend.
I also ate some great food while I was there. If you live in SLC and haven't eaten at Mazza, go there right now. I also ate at Aristo's for the first time for my friend Dan's birthday on Friday and it was also delicious.
I really enjoyed Carol Lynn Pearson's talk. She does a terrific job of inspiring and also not being proscriptive about what is the correct path to follow. She talked about Joseph Campbell and the Hero's Journey and compared it to the journey of the gay Mormon. This youtube clip does a pretty good job of explaining the Hero's Journey. I thought it was incredibly wise of her to tap into a big metaphor that allows itself to be accessible to a broad audience.
One of the great things about conferences like these is seeing people you don't get to see often enough, meeting people you've been getting to know online and meeting new people altogether. I got to meet a long lost cousin this weekend. He contacted me after reading this post about my namesake. We both are descendents of my great great grandfather, who I am named after. We descend from different wives though. Anyway, it was a great surprise to meet him this weekend.
I also ate some great food while I was there. If you live in SLC and haven't eaten at Mazza, go there right now. I also ate at Aristo's for the first time for my friend Dan's birthday on Friday and it was also delicious.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
circling the wagons
If you are in Salt Lake City this coming weekend (November 4-6), the Mormon Stories community is hosting a conference for LGBTQ and SGA Mormons. Go here to register and get more details about what specifically will be happening each day. There will be presentations by Carol Lynn Pearson, Bill Bradshaw and others. Whether you are in the process of sorting through the reconciliation of your sexuality with your spirituality for yourself or are a friend or family member wanting to know how to support someone you love, I think there will be some helpful information.
Friday, October 28, 2011
we were here
WE WERE HERE (trailer) from David Weissman on Vimeo.
Last weekend I saw the documentary We Were Here about the outbreak of the AIDS crisis in San Francisco. It was a last minute decision to see it and it ended up being an excellent decision. One, because the director and producer of the film ended up being there for a Q&A afterwards and two, because the film was really fantastic.
It kind of amazes me that there isn't a whole lot of talk or exploration of the AIDS outbreak in the media nowadays. Maybe there is and I just haven't seen it, but it seems like it's a story that we're not really talking about or processing. During the Q&A, the director said that he has many friends who have said they don't want to watch it because they don't want to unearth the immense amount of pain and fear that was so prevalent at the time. There was one man in the audience who had lived in San Francisco during the outbreak and he commented on how healing it was to watch the film, to have that story given a voice in a very sensitive, thoughtful and respectful way.
It also occurred to me how much the story of the rise of SF as a gay capital of the US should resonate like crazy with Mormons. It's the story of a people who were rejected by their families and friends, who left home and gathered in one place where they felt like they could more safely be themselves. One of the reasons the Mormon pioneers were persecuted was because people were very uncomfortable with the way early Mormons tried to redefine marriage. (Also, I think one of the guys interviewed for the documentary and who appears in the trailer bears a resemblence to President Monson.)
It's not playing in many cities, but I'm sure you'll eventually be able to get it on Netflix, etc. Go here to see where and when it's playing and then go see it.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
my personal epiphany, my revelation
Tuesday was National Coming Out Day. I haven't been one to make grand sweeping announcements about my sexuality, probably because my experience of coming to terms with my sexuality in the context of my spiritual identity has been a sacred one. I knew early on, probably mostly subconsciously, that not everyone would appreciate my reasons for accepting and embracing my experience of attraction or my reasons for sharing my truth with others, so at first I only shared with those I loved and trusted. I think subconsciously I knew I needed to be able to gradually metabolize what I was experiencing in a safe space, cultivating my own comfort and confidence in self, before sharing my experience of who I am with more than just a safe and close circle of friends and family.
As I stated earlier, that process has been a sacred one. The amount of love and spirit that has flowed into my life as a result of opening myself up to others has been completely life altering in unexpected ways. I experienced a lot of fear and self doubt, disconnect from self and others and from God as a result of keeping myself safely concealed in a dark and isolated closet. I experience my attraction to men as a very real and natural part of myself, certainly not something I chose. In trying to shut down that part of myself, I didn't realize how much I was disconnecting myself from...myself. I learned early on not to trust my feelings or my instincts because I quickly observed from the culture I grew up in that what I did feel wasn't appropriate. It quickly became very easy to start doubting any other feelings or instincts I had, and that's where the disconnect from self began.
From there the disconnect spreads from relationship with self to relationships with others. Life becomes a game of not letting anyone get too close, for fear that they'll discover the secret. If you're really determined to keep the secret, you distance yourself from anything you might naturally find enjoyment in for fear of it being percieved as "too gay". No one is able to know the real you because you've become so disconnected from yourself that you don't even know the real you.
The disconnect from self and from others naturally leads to a disconnect from the spirit or whatever you find speaks truth to your soul. I believe my relationship with my Father in Heaven is heavily informed by the quality of my relationships with those around me. Feeling a detachment from self and others naturally leads to feeling a detachment from God and from truth.
So I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise that when I decided to acknowledge and accept and embrace the truth of my existence and lean into the dissonance, that I would feel more connected to self. More connected to friends and family. More connected to the beautiful gift of personal revelation. That incredible gift that helps me understand who I am and what I'm capable of. The truth is though, that outpouring of the spirit is the opposite of what I expected. The irony is that I was actually already experiencing the worst case scenario that I thought would follow if I accepted and embraced my sexuality as a God given part of me. I was already living what I was afraid of. A disconnect from the divine. Little did I know of the beauty and love, resonance and rhythm that would flow into my life as a result of embracing what I feared.
The real beauty of my experience is that it isn't just my own and it certainly doesn't just belong to the homosexual. It's a narrative that belongs to all of us. As Jay Michealson quotes Olive Elaine Hannant and Chris Glaser in this absolutely beautiful piece from Religion Dispatches, "Coming out is a personal epiphany, a revelation" "a rite of vulnterability that reveals the sacred in our lives--our worth, our love, our lovemaking, our beloved, our community, our context of meaning, and our God."
As I stated earlier, that process has been a sacred one. The amount of love and spirit that has flowed into my life as a result of opening myself up to others has been completely life altering in unexpected ways. I experienced a lot of fear and self doubt, disconnect from self and others and from God as a result of keeping myself safely concealed in a dark and isolated closet. I experience my attraction to men as a very real and natural part of myself, certainly not something I chose. In trying to shut down that part of myself, I didn't realize how much I was disconnecting myself from...myself. I learned early on not to trust my feelings or my instincts because I quickly observed from the culture I grew up in that what I did feel wasn't appropriate. It quickly became very easy to start doubting any other feelings or instincts I had, and that's where the disconnect from self began.
From there the disconnect spreads from relationship with self to relationships with others. Life becomes a game of not letting anyone get too close, for fear that they'll discover the secret. If you're really determined to keep the secret, you distance yourself from anything you might naturally find enjoyment in for fear of it being percieved as "too gay". No one is able to know the real you because you've become so disconnected from yourself that you don't even know the real you.
The disconnect from self and from others naturally leads to a disconnect from the spirit or whatever you find speaks truth to your soul. I believe my relationship with my Father in Heaven is heavily informed by the quality of my relationships with those around me. Feeling a detachment from self and others naturally leads to feeling a detachment from God and from truth.
So I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise that when I decided to acknowledge and accept and embrace the truth of my existence and lean into the dissonance, that I would feel more connected to self. More connected to friends and family. More connected to the beautiful gift of personal revelation. That incredible gift that helps me understand who I am and what I'm capable of. The truth is though, that outpouring of the spirit is the opposite of what I expected. The irony is that I was actually already experiencing the worst case scenario that I thought would follow if I accepted and embraced my sexuality as a God given part of me. I was already living what I was afraid of. A disconnect from the divine. Little did I know of the beauty and love, resonance and rhythm that would flow into my life as a result of embracing what I feared.
The real beauty of my experience is that it isn't just my own and it certainly doesn't just belong to the homosexual. It's a narrative that belongs to all of us. As Jay Michealson quotes Olive Elaine Hannant and Chris Glaser in this absolutely beautiful piece from Religion Dispatches, "Coming out is a personal epiphany, a revelation" "a rite of vulnterability that reveals the sacred in our lives--our worth, our love, our lovemaking, our beloved, our community, our context of meaning, and our God."
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
pathological altruism
I love this article from the New York Times about pathological altruism. It reminds me of when I was first called as the ward mission leader in my young single adult ward. I wasn't too stoked about the calling because I've never been too stoked about missionary work. If someone approaches me with questions about Mormonism, I'm happy to answer them, but I realize that sometimes it's just an intellectual pursuit on the part of the other person and not necessarily someone shopping for a new religion. People at work often come to me with their questions about Mormonism because they know I won't consequently try to get them to come to church with me, and they know I won't be offended by their questions. They also know that I'll be honest with them about things the church does or has done that I don't agree with.
Anyway, when I was called as ward mission leader, there were two girls who were baptized right around the same time. The elders were really gunning for a baptism and sort of pushed things through before the girls knew what they were committing to. They never came back to church after getting baptized.
There was a concerted effort to bring them back. Phone calls and texts were made, treats were delivered, surprise visits were made. They still didn't come back. At a ward missionary correlation meeting (or whatever they're called) I suggested that maybe we should just leave them alone. In the real world, if I try to pursue a relationship with another person, be it romantic, platonic or otherwise, if I don't get any kind of a response from the other person (if they seem to be avoiding me), I figure they need some space and I back off. I couldn't understand why the same shouldn't apply to these girls. My suggestion wasn't very well received.
The article I linked to calls it selflessness run amok. I think it's more like selfishness masquerading as selflessness. We are certain that what we are doing is in the person's best interests, but we fail to stop and consider how much of what we are doing is to benefit ourselves rather then the person we think we're helping. Sometimes we're trying to assuage our own guilt, or avoid facing our own doubts, or take your pick of any number of ulterior motives. The tricky part is that we're not always conscious of our motives. We can be very good at deceiving ourselves about what our true motives are.
Anyway, when I was called as ward mission leader, there were two girls who were baptized right around the same time. The elders were really gunning for a baptism and sort of pushed things through before the girls knew what they were committing to. They never came back to church after getting baptized.
There was a concerted effort to bring them back. Phone calls and texts were made, treats were delivered, surprise visits were made. They still didn't come back. At a ward missionary correlation meeting (or whatever they're called) I suggested that maybe we should just leave them alone. In the real world, if I try to pursue a relationship with another person, be it romantic, platonic or otherwise, if I don't get any kind of a response from the other person (if they seem to be avoiding me), I figure they need some space and I back off. I couldn't understand why the same shouldn't apply to these girls. My suggestion wasn't very well received.
The article I linked to calls it selflessness run amok. I think it's more like selfishness masquerading as selflessness. We are certain that what we are doing is in the person's best interests, but we fail to stop and consider how much of what we are doing is to benefit ourselves rather then the person we think we're helping. Sometimes we're trying to assuage our own guilt, or avoid facing our own doubts, or take your pick of any number of ulterior motives. The tricky part is that we're not always conscious of our motives. We can be very good at deceiving ourselves about what our true motives are.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
how to shave your groin
This past weekend I was telling a coworker friend about this documentary:
I meant to email her the link to the above trailer, but I copied and pasted the wrong URL, and instead I sent her this:
She was obviously confused and responded to my email with "How to shave your groin??" I was embarrased for about two seconds and then I started laughing uncontrollably. I called to explain to her that I sent her the wrong link and had to leave her a message, but all she got in this voice mail was a bunch of laughing, wheezing and I think I even snorted once.
I had been watching the groin video just before I pulled up the Tabloid trailer because a friend had posted the following video on Facebook and you know that thing when you watch videos on Youtube and it recommends other videos and maybe it recommends one with a hot shirtless dude in the shower and so you click on it to watch it? That's what happened. And then with all these videos up, I grabbed the wrong one to send to my friend.
I meant to email her the link to the above trailer, but I copied and pasted the wrong URL, and instead I sent her this:
She was obviously confused and responded to my email with "How to shave your groin??" I was embarrased for about two seconds and then I started laughing uncontrollably. I called to explain to her that I sent her the wrong link and had to leave her a message, but all she got in this voice mail was a bunch of laughing, wheezing and I think I even snorted once.
I had been watching the groin video just before I pulled up the Tabloid trailer because a friend had posted the following video on Facebook and you know that thing when you watch videos on Youtube and it recommends other videos and maybe it recommends one with a hot shirtless dude in the shower and so you click on it to watch it? That's what happened. And then with all these videos up, I grabbed the wrong one to send to my friend.
Monday, September 12, 2011
discuss this
My friend Christina send me this article from The Atlantic and it got me thinking. I have to admit, I've never fully felt on board with the whole "born this way" as an argument for gay rights. My reservations have mostly come about because I think stating it that way simplifies sexuality into something binary - either you're gay or you're straight - and I don't think that's the way it works. I suppose that's why the letter Q seems to have found its way into the alphebet soup (LGBT) used to describe those who experience something other than pure heterosexuality (whatever that is). It makes me wonder what it would be like to have lived 100 years ago when these terms and labels and categories didn't really exist, at least not like they do today. It's nice be able to categorize and label things, but I think it's too often used as a tool to separate others who aren't like us and see them as less than. I think all these labels also serve to limit what we can understand about who we are and how we experience our sexuality.
The author of the article doesn't like the "born this way" argument because she believes that it shouldn't matter whether she was born that way or chose to pursue her attraction to women by having a same sex spouse. She says that to her, by using that argument, it sounds like we are saying that if I could, I would be different but I can't. In the end, it shouldn't matter if it's purely genetic or choice or some mix of things we don't yet understand. People should have the right to be with who they want to be with. I get that and I agree with her.
But then I also kind of groan inside, because she talks about how for her it has been a choice. She seems to experience a much greater degree of fluidity or flexibility in her attractions than I do. She says she has dated both men and women and has felt and can feel enough attraction to men that she could probably make marriage to a man work. My groaning comes because I think of the people who will read that who aren't able to see nuance, and who might project her experience onto others (like me) who don't experience the same degree of fluidity or flexibility and say, "See! It is a choice!"
I enjoyed her brief exploration into how a same sex marriage challenges traditional gender roles and how those roles operate in a heterosexual marriage. There are those who would identify this challenge as a threat to "traditional" marriage. I think that this challenge provides a helpful contrast though. I think the differences in the dynamics of a same sex marriage could challenge traditional gender roles in a helpful way that could actually strengthen heterosexual marriage. (As an sidenote, I think it's entertaining when people feel the need to identify who is the man and who is the woman in same sex relationships.)
What about you? What do you think about the article?
(Oh, I also found the Homosexuality in Perspective study to be interesting as well.)
The author of the article doesn't like the "born this way" argument because she believes that it shouldn't matter whether she was born that way or chose to pursue her attraction to women by having a same sex spouse. She says that to her, by using that argument, it sounds like we are saying that if I could, I would be different but I can't. In the end, it shouldn't matter if it's purely genetic or choice or some mix of things we don't yet understand. People should have the right to be with who they want to be with. I get that and I agree with her.
But then I also kind of groan inside, because she talks about how for her it has been a choice. She seems to experience a much greater degree of fluidity or flexibility in her attractions than I do. She says she has dated both men and women and has felt and can feel enough attraction to men that she could probably make marriage to a man work. My groaning comes because I think of the people who will read that who aren't able to see nuance, and who might project her experience onto others (like me) who don't experience the same degree of fluidity or flexibility and say, "See! It is a choice!"
I enjoyed her brief exploration into how a same sex marriage challenges traditional gender roles and how those roles operate in a heterosexual marriage. There are those who would identify this challenge as a threat to "traditional" marriage. I think that this challenge provides a helpful contrast though. I think the differences in the dynamics of a same sex marriage could challenge traditional gender roles in a helpful way that could actually strengthen heterosexual marriage. (As an sidenote, I think it's entertaining when people feel the need to identify who is the man and who is the woman in same sex relationships.)
What about you? What do you think about the article?
(Oh, I also found the Homosexuality in Perspective study to be interesting as well.)
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
the point of power
I'm friends with Eckhart Tolle on Facebook. Well, maybe I just "liked" him. Either way, he addresses me as friend in this post from today, so I'm saying we're friends. Anyway, this is what he had to say today:
Dear Friends,
Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said: "Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you". In other words: freedom consists in finding the point of power, which is always in the present moment. It also means: how you respond to what happens is more important than what happens.
With love
Eckhart
Or as I've said before on here, content doesn't matter, it's how we hold it that does.
Have you ever made flirty eyes at a complete stranger? I think you should try it. I just got back from lunch in the mall and I crossed paths with a cute black man who smiled at me and I smiled back. We both did the over-the-shoulder glance back after crossing paths and smiled again. He went down the stairs and was walking a floor below me, but could still see me one level up and the flirty eyes continued. It might be the perfect way to ease back into a work week after a three day weekend.
Dear Friends,
Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said: "Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you". In other words: freedom consists in finding the point of power, which is always in the present moment. It also means: how you respond to what happens is more important than what happens.
With love
Eckhart
Or as I've said before on here, content doesn't matter, it's how we hold it that does.
Have you ever made flirty eyes at a complete stranger? I think you should try it. I just got back from lunch in the mall and I crossed paths with a cute black man who smiled at me and I smiled back. We both did the over-the-shoulder glance back after crossing paths and smiled again. He went down the stairs and was walking a floor below me, but could still see me one level up and the flirty eyes continued. It might be the perfect way to ease back into a work week after a three day weekend.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
mitch mayne
If you are gay and Mormon or pay much attention to the Mormon Bloggernacle, then you've probably heard that Mitch Mayne, an openly gay man living in San Francisco, was recently called to be executive secretary in his ward. I'm guessing that it isn't the first time this has ever happened, but it's definitely generated more conversation online than other instances. I think part of this is due to the fact that Mitch isn't apologetic about his sexuality, nor does he adopt the narrative of it being a broken part of him. He owns it. He's also fairly actively shared his story online of being openly gay and being asked to serve as executive secretary of his ward.
I think it's valuable to stop and read the posts and conversations about all of it (especially if you have no idea what I'm talking about). I think the conversations taking place give a good sense of where we are and aren't in the Mormon church on the topic of homosexuliaty. I think that's the most interesting thing to me: to observe how people process the information, how they hold it, the questions they ask, the questions they don't ask. It's not so much what happened that interests me but how it's presented and how people react to it.
Here are some links for you to join in the observation process yourself:
Mitch Mayne's website (which includes a link to his blog where he talks about his new calling)
Post at By Common Consent (the comment stream here is kind of interesting)
Post at Times and Seasons
Joanna Brooks' write up at Religion Dispatches
Of course there has also been plenty of discussion in Facebook groups, but all those groups are closed so I can't link to them here.
And here's a presentation Mitch gave in March at Sunstone West before any of this took place:
I think it's valuable to stop and read the posts and conversations about all of it (especially if you have no idea what I'm talking about). I think the conversations taking place give a good sense of where we are and aren't in the Mormon church on the topic of homosexuliaty. I think that's the most interesting thing to me: to observe how people process the information, how they hold it, the questions they ask, the questions they don't ask. It's not so much what happened that interests me but how it's presented and how people react to it.
Here are some links for you to join in the observation process yourself:
Mitch Mayne's website (which includes a link to his blog where he talks about his new calling)
Post at By Common Consent (the comment stream here is kind of interesting)
Post at Times and Seasons
Joanna Brooks' write up at Religion Dispatches
Of course there has also been plenty of discussion in Facebook groups, but all those groups are closed so I can't link to them here.
And here's a presentation Mitch gave in March at Sunstone West before any of this took place:
Monday, August 22, 2011
thoughts on dating
A few months ago I posted about wanting to venture into the vulnerable world of dating. Before that, I'd said I was open to it, but had never really made any conscientious effort to pursue it. I signed up for OKCupid (ugh) and have been on a handful of dates since then. It's been an interesting experiment. I don't know that I've particularly enjoyed it.
I got really excited about the first guy I met in person from the site. I actually got fairly lucky. He was incredibly attractive and bright and witty. We went out a few times and I started to realize I was doing that thing where you create something wonderful out of nothing. I think it's a common trap of the inexperienced or the person who is more infatuated with the idea of relationship than actually being in a relationship, a relationship where the other person is seen for and allowed to be who they actually are for better or for worse.
So after the third date, I came away realizing that I really wasn't excited about spending any more time with him. I mean I wanted to be excited about it, but I wasn't. So I figured I'd just leave it up to him to make any next move to get together. I'm pretty sure he felt the same way; I haven't heard from him.
Other than that, I've been on a few dates here and there and chatted with a couple guys online, but nothing that has materialized into anything as of yet. To be honest, I have a hard time imagining myself in a long term relationship with another human being. Maybe it's because I've been single for so long and have never really been in any kind of healthy, long term relationship with someone where there was mutual attraction.
I often wonder why I never got even close to getting married. I'm kind of amazed at guys who have. I couldn't do it. I couldn't even get close. That makes it sound like I regret that I didn't get married and admire those who did and that's not really true. I'm frequently grateful that I didn't jump into marriage before I realized what I would be getting myself into, for my sake and hers. I guess sometimes I wonder why I couldn't ever get close. The desire was there and I went on lots of dates and I wasn't all that self aware at the time, but I guess I just couldn't pretend deeply enough, or for a length of time that would get me anywhere near marriage.
Maybe that's it. I'm not good at pretending in relationships, which could be partly why I haven't particularly enjoyed my brief (so far) foray into dating dudes. To me, it seems kind of silly to specifically look for someone to date. It seems too contrived and weird, and maybe I feel that way because of my background in Mormon dating where there is so much weight and meaning behind a date. So then of course it seems weird and contrived. Honestly though, I'd much rather go about my business, engaging in my normal social intereactions and have a relationship develop naturally and organically out of an existing friendship. I figure if I meet someone doing what I enjoy doing or with people whose company I enjoy, the odds of meeting someone I am compatible with increase. (Instead of meeting a complete stranger based on what they've chosen to portray about themselves online.) I guess I just haven't had much success with the former organic approach and so I decided to try the latter, more contrived approach.
I don't actually spend a whole lot of time thinking or worrying about this, which is probably evident in my half hearted/assed attempts at dating. At this point, being single can feel comfy and cozy at times. But ultimately, there is that simmering desire - albeit sometimes in the background - to share my life and self with someone and have him share his life and self with me.
Oh. I realize this made the rounds on the interwebz a while back, but I rediscovered it today and I really do enjoy it.
Thought of You from Ryan J Woodward on Vimeo.
I got really excited about the first guy I met in person from the site. I actually got fairly lucky. He was incredibly attractive and bright and witty. We went out a few times and I started to realize I was doing that thing where you create something wonderful out of nothing. I think it's a common trap of the inexperienced or the person who is more infatuated with the idea of relationship than actually being in a relationship, a relationship where the other person is seen for and allowed to be who they actually are for better or for worse.
So after the third date, I came away realizing that I really wasn't excited about spending any more time with him. I mean I wanted to be excited about it, but I wasn't. So I figured I'd just leave it up to him to make any next move to get together. I'm pretty sure he felt the same way; I haven't heard from him.
Other than that, I've been on a few dates here and there and chatted with a couple guys online, but nothing that has materialized into anything as of yet. To be honest, I have a hard time imagining myself in a long term relationship with another human being. Maybe it's because I've been single for so long and have never really been in any kind of healthy, long term relationship with someone where there was mutual attraction.
I often wonder why I never got even close to getting married. I'm kind of amazed at guys who have. I couldn't do it. I couldn't even get close. That makes it sound like I regret that I didn't get married and admire those who did and that's not really true. I'm frequently grateful that I didn't jump into marriage before I realized what I would be getting myself into, for my sake and hers. I guess sometimes I wonder why I couldn't ever get close. The desire was there and I went on lots of dates and I wasn't all that self aware at the time, but I guess I just couldn't pretend deeply enough, or for a length of time that would get me anywhere near marriage.
Maybe that's it. I'm not good at pretending in relationships, which could be partly why I haven't particularly enjoyed my brief (so far) foray into dating dudes. To me, it seems kind of silly to specifically look for someone to date. It seems too contrived and weird, and maybe I feel that way because of my background in Mormon dating where there is so much weight and meaning behind a date. So then of course it seems weird and contrived. Honestly though, I'd much rather go about my business, engaging in my normal social intereactions and have a relationship develop naturally and organically out of an existing friendship. I figure if I meet someone doing what I enjoy doing or with people whose company I enjoy, the odds of meeting someone I am compatible with increase. (Instead of meeting a complete stranger based on what they've chosen to portray about themselves online.) I guess I just haven't had much success with the former organic approach and so I decided to try the latter, more contrived approach.
I don't actually spend a whole lot of time thinking or worrying about this, which is probably evident in my half hearted/assed attempts at dating. At this point, being single can feel comfy and cozy at times. But ultimately, there is that simmering desire - albeit sometimes in the background - to share my life and self with someone and have him share his life and self with me.
Oh. I realize this made the rounds on the interwebz a while back, but I rediscovered it today and I really do enjoy it.
Thought of You from Ryan J Woodward on Vimeo.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
summer vacation
This is what I've been up to the past couple of weeks.
Sunstoning: Yes, that is a giant replica of the Angel Moroni made of balloons (not noodles). We presented on Empathy First Initiative and Far Between.
I also played cars.
And hung out with my friend Ninny in her comfy caftan.
After lounging in the caftan, we went to an amazing antique shop in Provo. As you can see, it was mostly the dolls that captured my attention. If you're easily spooked by creepy dolls, you might want to skip the next eight pictures.
I spent some time waiting for pizza at Bear Lake.
And then some time eating pizza at Bear Lake.
I ate fruit snacks from the floor at Bear Lake, shared with me by this little one.
I also just relaxed and hung out at Bear Lake.
Flew giant kites at Bear Lake.
Hung out with Spiderman at Bear Lake.
Enjoyed beautiful views of Bear Lake.
And watched a full moon rise over Bear Lake.
Monday, August 1, 2011
listening
If you haven't already, you should "like" Empathy First Initiative on Facebook. There are lots of quotes, stories, videos, etc. posted that I believe can help promote a habit and a culture of empathy. I believe one of the best ways to develop and practice this habit of empathy is to learn how to listen effectively to others and ourselves and the world around us. This TED talk lists five simple ways we can listen better.
Our media have to scream at us in order to get our attention. And that means it's harder for us to pay attention to the quiet, the subtle, the understated.
Our media have to scream at us in order to get our attention. And that means it's harder for us to pay attention to the quiet, the subtle, the understated.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
kinfolk
I saw this video for Kinfolk Magazine on frolic! and absolutely loved it.
Kinfolk from VsTheBrain on Vimeo.
I visited Kinfolk's website and read their manifesto, which I also loved:
Kinfolk is a growing community of artists with a shared interest in small gatherings. We recognize that there is something about a table shared by friends, not just a wedding or once-a-year holiday extravaganza, that anchors our relationships and energizes us. We have come together to create Kinfolk as our collaborative way of advocating the natural approach to entertaining that we love.
Every element of Kinfolk - the features, photography, and general aesthetics - are consistent with the way we feel entertaining should be: simple, uncomplicated, and less contrived. Kinfolk is the marriage of our appreciation for art and design and our love for spending time with family and friends.
I love it!
Kinfolk from VsTheBrain on Vimeo.
I visited Kinfolk's website and read their manifesto, which I also loved:
Kinfolk is a growing community of artists with a shared interest in small gatherings. We recognize that there is something about a table shared by friends, not just a wedding or once-a-year holiday extravaganza, that anchors our relationships and energizes us. We have come together to create Kinfolk as our collaborative way of advocating the natural approach to entertaining that we love.
Every element of Kinfolk - the features, photography, and general aesthetics - are consistent with the way we feel entertaining should be: simple, uncomplicated, and less contrived. Kinfolk is the marriage of our appreciation for art and design and our love for spending time with family and friends.
I love it!
Monday, July 25, 2011
nuclear fallout? meh...
If I am ripped from my sleep in the middle of the night, I tend to immediately assume the worst. There was the time that my doorbell rang at like 1:00 AM and I looked through my peep hole and saw a box on the doorstep. I was afraid to open it because I was convinced it was a bomb and someone was trying to kill me. It turned out to be a box full of presents and candy from someone at church trying to be nice. Next time, maybe try leaving the present and ringing my doorbell during waking hours.
Last night my sleep was cut abruptly short by the loudest and longest clap of thunder I've ever heard. It was so long and loud (and we hardly ever get thunderstorms in the northwest) that I was convinced that something had exploded. I looked out all my windows trying to find the flames that would inevitably be lighting up the night sky. I saw nothing, so I decided put on some clothes and go outside to find out what blew up.
Before I made it back to my bedroom to dress myself, I heard falling rain. I concluded that I had only heard thunder and crawled back in bed and listened to the falling rain through my open bedroom window as I tried to go back to sleep.
That lasted for about a minute and then it occurred to me that I had looked at the weather before going to bed and there was nothing but sunshine in the forecast. That's when it became abundantly clear that I wasn't hearing rain. The only logical explanation was that a nuclear bomb had exploded nearby and I was hearing fallout from the explosion raining down. The thought occurred to me that I should get up and shut my bedroom window to protect myself from the fallout, but I fell asleep before I got around to doing it.
Last night my sleep was cut abruptly short by the loudest and longest clap of thunder I've ever heard. It was so long and loud (and we hardly ever get thunderstorms in the northwest) that I was convinced that something had exploded. I looked out all my windows trying to find the flames that would inevitably be lighting up the night sky. I saw nothing, so I decided put on some clothes and go outside to find out what blew up.
Before I made it back to my bedroom to dress myself, I heard falling rain. I concluded that I had only heard thunder and crawled back in bed and listened to the falling rain through my open bedroom window as I tried to go back to sleep.
That lasted for about a minute and then it occurred to me that I had looked at the weather before going to bed and there was nothing but sunshine in the forecast. That's when it became abundantly clear that I wasn't hearing rain. The only logical explanation was that a nuclear bomb had exploded nearby and I was hearing fallout from the explosion raining down. The thought occurred to me that I should get up and shut my bedroom window to protect myself from the fallout, but I fell asleep before I got around to doing it.
Monday, July 11, 2011
honesty with strangers (or coming out at church)
Last Friday, John G-W posted about an experience he had while visiting the North Visitor Center at Temple Square in SLC. I ended up having a somewhat similar experience at church on Sunday. I think I've mentioned here before that up until February, I had been attending a singles ward (congregation). Most people there knew I was gay. I didn't necessarily go around making sure everyone knew, but anyone who knew me very well at all knew, and then word spreads from there.
Anyway, I started attending a family ward in February and a few people know I'm gay, but most people don't. There is a guy in that ward who is probably somewhere around my age (early 30's) and is married and has some kids. I see him at church and we must also be on the same grocery shopping schedule, because it seems like the past few weeks, whenever I'm there, I seem him there. We'll smile and say hi, but have never spoken to each other until yesterday.
He approached me after sacrament meeting and introduced himself and then started to tell me about a girl who he wanted to set me up with. I listened while he told me about her and thought about how to handle this conversation. There's the option of saying something vague and no thank you and safely walking away from the conversation. He kind of forced me into another option. Here's how the conversation went:
"Thank you, but I'm not dating right now" (which technically isn't true, but I figured that as far as his conception of dating goes, I'm not dating.)
"Can I help you put a stop to that?" (At this point, I realized that I was going to tell him I was gay. I hesitated for a few seconds)
"Probably not, I'm actually gay." (He actually did a fairly decent job of masking his surprise.)
"That doesn't mean you can't date girls!" (I was actually kind of surprised by his tenacity.)
"Oh, I've already tried going that route and it didn't work out very well for me."
He said that she and I could just be friends and that if I ever changed my mind and wanted a friend to hang out with to let him know. I thanked him for thinking of me and we both said "nice to meet you" and went our separate ways.
Anyway, I started attending a family ward in February and a few people know I'm gay, but most people don't. There is a guy in that ward who is probably somewhere around my age (early 30's) and is married and has some kids. I see him at church and we must also be on the same grocery shopping schedule, because it seems like the past few weeks, whenever I'm there, I seem him there. We'll smile and say hi, but have never spoken to each other until yesterday.
He approached me after sacrament meeting and introduced himself and then started to tell me about a girl who he wanted to set me up with. I listened while he told me about her and thought about how to handle this conversation. There's the option of saying something vague and no thank you and safely walking away from the conversation. He kind of forced me into another option. Here's how the conversation went:
"Thank you, but I'm not dating right now" (which technically isn't true, but I figured that as far as his conception of dating goes, I'm not dating.)
"Can I help you put a stop to that?" (At this point, I realized that I was going to tell him I was gay. I hesitated for a few seconds)
"Probably not, I'm actually gay." (He actually did a fairly decent job of masking his surprise.)
"That doesn't mean you can't date girls!" (I was actually kind of surprised by his tenacity.)
"Oh, I've already tried going that route and it didn't work out very well for me."
He said that she and I could just be friends and that if I ever changed my mind and wanted a friend to hang out with to let him know. I thanked him for thinking of me and we both said "nice to meet you" and went our separate ways.
Friday, July 8, 2011
far between
Things are moving along with the documentary. Peggy Fletcher Stack wrote a fantastic article for the Salt Lake Tribune on the project and this short promo for the film was also released.
If you haven't already, go to the Far Between page on Facebook and "like" it so you can receive updates on the progress of the film.
You can also listen to this interview with Kendall by John Dehlin at Mormon Stories.
If you haven't already, go to the Far Between page on Facebook and "like" it so you can receive updates on the progress of the film.
You can also listen to this interview with Kendall by John Dehlin at Mormon Stories.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
all my days
I've learned that pushing myself to complete physical exhaustion can lead to transcendent experiences. When I ran the St. George Marathon about a year after my mission, I remember inexplicably breaking down into tears after I finished. For some reason, I remember being alone for a while after finishing and just soaking in whatever the emotions were. It was like runner's high but times ten.
I had a similar experience when I was running my second leg of Ragnar at 2:00 AM. My blog fairly recently turned two. The people I was there running with I met through my blog and we have forged some transformative relationships. I got to thinking about all the many amazing people I've met through blogging, of the existing relationships that have been enriched and the personal growth and healing that has occurred through writing out and sharing my experience over the last couple of years. I thought about the painfully and beautifully complex emotions that come from loving and allowing yourself to be seen and loved. I became completely overwhelmed from all of this as I was running in the middle of the night through the Wasatch Mountains under a clear sky and a full moon all by myself, exhausted but at the same time exhilarated.
I had my iPod on shuffle and as I was having these thoughts and running under the stars, this song came on during my last mile to the finish line, as though wanting to make sure I recognized the beauty of what I was experiencing.
(All My Days, Alexi Murdoch)
I had a similar experience when I was running my second leg of Ragnar at 2:00 AM. My blog fairly recently turned two. The people I was there running with I met through my blog and we have forged some transformative relationships. I got to thinking about all the many amazing people I've met through blogging, of the existing relationships that have been enriched and the personal growth and healing that has occurred through writing out and sharing my experience over the last couple of years. I thought about the painfully and beautifully complex emotions that come from loving and allowing yourself to be seen and loved. I became completely overwhelmed from all of this as I was running in the middle of the night through the Wasatch Mountains under a clear sky and a full moon all by myself, exhausted but at the same time exhilarated.
I had my iPod on shuffle and as I was having these thoughts and running under the stars, this song came on during my last mile to the finish line, as though wanting to make sure I recognized the beauty of what I was experiencing.
(All My Days, Alexi Murdoch)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
turning
What if our salvation is an all or nothing deal? Not in a you-have-to-be-perfect-in-order-to-be-saved kind of way. More like either we're all saved together or none of us is saved. And not because we're all perfect, but because we learn how to love and accept everyone in all our necessary differences. What if we can't be saved without those with whom we vehemently disagree? What if the tension that exists between two opposing points of view is completely necessary and the solution is to simply listen to each other and seek to understand what it means to be in another's shoes. Who are we to decide that what we perceive as another person's sins are any worse or better than our own? Maybe it's more about loving unconditionally instead of categorizing and ranking sins. These excerpts from an essay entitled "Turning" by Dian Saderup that appeared in Dialogue help explain how this might be.
All of us have a story. All of us have a voice. All of us have a vision —and all are limited by our own mortality and the possibility of error. I like to picture the Church as a wheel with Christ as the hub. Each individual life path is a spoke feeding into that hub. We all start our mortal journeys in our own particular places on the rim of the wheel — each with his or her unique strengths and weaknesses. Because of this, though we may be baptized into the strait and narrow way, we each journey through different territory. Different experiences give us various prides, prejudices, perceptions, and testimonies as we progress toward Christ, the central hub. Some spokes lie close to one another; others may be on opposing sides of the central focus. I believe that Joseph Smith actually saw God and that the Church established through him is literally the kingdom laid to prepare the world for the millennial reign of the Savior. Because of this I feel a duty — if not always the disposition — to bear with those of my fellows whom I see, at times, opposite me — to respect the real rigors, perplexities, and triumphs of their unique paths. And I feel to watch for the divine fire that will, in tangible reality, flare now here, now there among us.
The kingdom will go forward, despite our collective differences and failings, and we will all play our several parts: some of us shepherds, some of us followers, some conformists, some dissenters, some critics, some apologists. The wheel will continue to turn, and we may one day find that those spokes which are now on opposing sides of the hub have together created an essential tension — a dynamic balance — between mutually necessary opposites.
I watched the deacons as they passed the sacrament: young, awkward boys bearing bread and water of whose significance they probably had little understanding. But did any of us? The trays passed down the pews hand to hand as, one after another, the ward members partook. Each ate and drank with the familiar ritual motion. And it struck me, like a sudden gust of wind on a still night: We all partake of the same loaf, we all drink of the same cup. What right have I to boast? Who am I to judge? Or any of us? It is, after all, by grace we are saved, after we have done all in our halting mortal ways that we are able. That grace seemed to me then the greatest mystery of all. And then I seemed to be looking through clear glass; things were no longer complex, confusing, tangled, and dark but simple and spiritually liberating. Faith — in God and in each other; humility — for our own imperfections and those of our brothers and sisters; endurance -— despite conflict; love — sustained throughout disappointment with our fellows; and gratitude — for God's grace and the human grace we may share with one another: these seemed to be the best gifts we could give or receive.
It was a singular moment of simple clarity of vision. We will live our countless lives, and I believe the wheel that is Christ and his Church will continue to turn until one morning that vision is fully realized. The words of an old Shaker hymn with its lovely melody played over and over in my mind that afternoon:
All of us have a story. All of us have a voice. All of us have a vision —and all are limited by our own mortality and the possibility of error. I like to picture the Church as a wheel with Christ as the hub. Each individual life path is a spoke feeding into that hub. We all start our mortal journeys in our own particular places on the rim of the wheel — each with his or her unique strengths and weaknesses. Because of this, though we may be baptized into the strait and narrow way, we each journey through different territory. Different experiences give us various prides, prejudices, perceptions, and testimonies as we progress toward Christ, the central hub. Some spokes lie close to one another; others may be on opposing sides of the central focus. I believe that Joseph Smith actually saw God and that the Church established through him is literally the kingdom laid to prepare the world for the millennial reign of the Savior. Because of this I feel a duty — if not always the disposition — to bear with those of my fellows whom I see, at times, opposite me — to respect the real rigors, perplexities, and triumphs of their unique paths. And I feel to watch for the divine fire that will, in tangible reality, flare now here, now there among us.
The kingdom will go forward, despite our collective differences and failings, and we will all play our several parts: some of us shepherds, some of us followers, some conformists, some dissenters, some critics, some apologists. The wheel will continue to turn, and we may one day find that those spokes which are now on opposing sides of the hub have together created an essential tension — a dynamic balance — between mutually necessary opposites.
----------------------------------------------------------------
I watched the deacons as they passed the sacrament: young, awkward boys bearing bread and water of whose significance they probably had little understanding. But did any of us? The trays passed down the pews hand to hand as, one after another, the ward members partook. Each ate and drank with the familiar ritual motion. And it struck me, like a sudden gust of wind on a still night: We all partake of the same loaf, we all drink of the same cup. What right have I to boast? Who am I to judge? Or any of us? It is, after all, by grace we are saved, after we have done all in our halting mortal ways that we are able. That grace seemed to me then the greatest mystery of all. And then I seemed to be looking through clear glass; things were no longer complex, confusing, tangled, and dark but simple and spiritually liberating. Faith — in God and in each other; humility — for our own imperfections and those of our brothers and sisters; endurance -— despite conflict; love — sustained throughout disappointment with our fellows; and gratitude — for God's grace and the human grace we may share with one another: these seemed to be the best gifts we could give or receive.
It was a singular moment of simple clarity of vision. We will live our countless lives, and I believe the wheel that is Christ and his Church will continue to turn until one morning that vision is fully realized. The words of an old Shaker hymn with its lovely melody played over and over in my mind that afternoon:
'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,
'Tis the gift to come down where we are to be;
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.
When true simplicity is gain'd,
To bow and to bend we shan't be ashamed;
To turn, turn will be our delight
Till by turning, turning we come round right.
Monday, June 20, 2011
I heart the interwebs
This past weekend I was in Utah running the Wasatch Back Ragnar Relay from Logan to Park City (188 miles) with these lovely people. We all initially met via blogging on the interwebs and we gathered in Utah from Tennessee, Wyoming and Oregon to spend two days running, sweating, stinking and not sleeping. The weekend went spectacularly well, considering none of us had ever spent a considerable amount of time together. (Well, other than the dude in camo and the lovely lady. Those two spend a lot of time together.) Our team was the Roaming Gnomes, hence the (hand knit) beards, and the red and white striped socks that you can't see.
Running a seven mile leg in the mountains of Utah between 2:00 and 3:00 AM under a full moon was pure magic. And so was spending the weekend with these people.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
eckhart tolle on the gay
I think a lot of the drama we experience in life comes not from the issues we face, but in how we face them. By that, I mean how we approach them, how we hold them, how we process them, the questions we ask about them. With the issue of homosexuality, it seems to me that we aren't "holding" the issue in a way that leads to much productive conversation on the issue. It seems like our back and forth on the topic boils down to whether homosexuality is "good" or "bad", with two sides trying to defend why it is either good or bad. Something that is natural and acceptable or something that needs to be fixed. Then we spend all our energy trying to explain but mostly defend our position.
Those are some questions to explore, but I think there are other questions that are more compelling. To me, there are mysteries and answers to questions packed and embedded in the issue of homosexuality. Certainly, those who are attracted to their same sex stand to benefit from greater understanding on the topic, but I also believe that everyone stands to benefit. I think there are some answers to be unpacked about how we understand attraction, how we relate to each other, what gender is, and why it is or isn't important. I know we think we know all about these things, but I don't think we know what we think we know.
Anyway. The following are some quotes by Eckhart Tolle from The Power of Now that I like because I think they get us thinking about things differently. At least that's what they do for me.
In the quest for enlightenment, is being gay a help or a hindrance, or does it not make any difference?
...the realization that you are 'different' from others may force you to dis-identify from socially conditioned patterns of thought and behavior. This will automatically raise your level of consciousness above that of the unconscious majority, whose members unquestioningly take on board all inherited patterns. In that respect, being gay can be a help. Being an outsider to some extent, someone who does not 'fit in' with others or is rejected by them for whatever reason, makes life difficult, but it also places you at advantage as far as enlightenment is concerned. It takes you out of unconsciousness almost by force.
On the other hand, if you then develop a sense of identify based on your gayness, you have escaped one trap only to fall into another.
And there's this:
Choice implies consciousness - a high degree of consciousness. Without it, you have no choice. Choice begins the moment you dis-identify from the mind and its conditioned patterns, the moment you become present. Nobody chooses dysfunction, conflict, pain. Nobody chooses insanity. They happen because there is not enough presence in you to dissolve the past, not enough light to dispel the darkness. You are not fully here. You have not quite woken up yet. In the meantime, the conditioned mind is running your life
Those are some questions to explore, but I think there are other questions that are more compelling. To me, there are mysteries and answers to questions packed and embedded in the issue of homosexuality. Certainly, those who are attracted to their same sex stand to benefit from greater understanding on the topic, but I also believe that everyone stands to benefit. I think there are some answers to be unpacked about how we understand attraction, how we relate to each other, what gender is, and why it is or isn't important. I know we think we know all about these things, but I don't think we know what we think we know.
Anyway. The following are some quotes by Eckhart Tolle from The Power of Now that I like because I think they get us thinking about things differently. At least that's what they do for me.
In the quest for enlightenment, is being gay a help or a hindrance, or does it not make any difference?
...the realization that you are 'different' from others may force you to dis-identify from socially conditioned patterns of thought and behavior. This will automatically raise your level of consciousness above that of the unconscious majority, whose members unquestioningly take on board all inherited patterns. In that respect, being gay can be a help. Being an outsider to some extent, someone who does not 'fit in' with others or is rejected by them for whatever reason, makes life difficult, but it also places you at advantage as far as enlightenment is concerned. It takes you out of unconsciousness almost by force.
On the other hand, if you then develop a sense of identify based on your gayness, you have escaped one trap only to fall into another.
And there's this:
Choice implies consciousness - a high degree of consciousness. Without it, you have no choice. Choice begins the moment you dis-identify from the mind and its conditioned patterns, the moment you become present. Nobody chooses dysfunction, conflict, pain. Nobody chooses insanity. They happen because there is not enough presence in you to dissolve the past, not enough light to dispel the darkness. You are not fully here. You have not quite woken up yet. In the meantime, the conditioned mind is running your life
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
vulnerable places
In the Mormon church, the first Sunday of the month is different from the others. Instead of having assigned speakers, we have what is called a fast and testimony meeting, which basically means it’s open mic Sunday. Anybody can get up and extemporaneously share their feelings for and their belief in the gospel, the church, their Savior, etc. Sometimes it also becomes an uncomfortable exercise in oversharing (at which point, I usually lean forward, rest my head on my hands and soak up the awkwardness). These unscripted meetings are usually among my favorites because the odds of them being more interesting/entertaining/inspiring, in comparison to the other Sundays, are high.
I didn’t bear my testimony this past Sunday, but if I had, I would have shared my feelings about vulnerable places. Those places that we sometimes voluntarily go to and sometimes try our hardest to avoid. Those places where we put ourselves out in the open, naked, for others to see us as we are instead of who we think they want us to be.
My becoming more transparent about my sexuality has been a fairly gradual and thoughtful and important process. One of the many reasons why it has been so important and impactful for me is that it has often taken me to vulnerable places that are fertile ground for my own personal growth. I’ve grown and become more whole in ways that I know I couldn’t have if I’d kept everything to myself.
It’s also enriched my personal relationships. By allowing myself to be fully seen, I’ve been able to create more meaningful and enriching relationships, whereas before, I felt like nobody fully knew me and therefore no one was qualified to say they loved me. If the words “I love you” were ever said, it hardly ever rang true.
Of course it isn’t all roses now either. It is, after all, a vulnerable place. Showing up as yourself carries a price. Some relationships will require some adjusting and shifting. Some of the seismic activity is uncomfortable, and sometimes it doesn’t lead to where you’d hope it would. It will lead to more authentic relationships though. My sister doesn’t always agree with me. Sometimes she’ll bring up something she’s read on my blog that doesn’t quite ring true for her, and we’ll discuss it and sometimes we still won’t agree. My relationship with her is much more real and meaningful as a result.
Recently I signed up for OKCupid. There’s a part of me that has been calling out for relationship and not just for the companionship (although that is a big part of it). There’s a part of me that hungers, almost masochistically I suppose, for the type of relationship that takes you to a vulnerable place the way that putting yourself out there for someone you are attracted to on all levels only can.
I’ve dated women a little bit before and that has presented its own unique circumstances for growth, but it doesn’t come close to comparing to the limited experiences I’ve had dating men. With men, I feel the experience in every cell of my body (and I’m not talking about sex here). A gay friend married to a woman once told me that he didn’t think he was the jealous type because he didn’t mind the male friends his wife had. I couldn’t help but wonder how that declaration would change if he was in a relationship with a man he felt emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and physically attracted to. I have a feeling that jealousy and insecurity would much more easily rear their heads.
Based on my limited experience, being in an intimate relationship with someone you are completely attracted to stirs up insecurities like nothing else can. It takes you to the most vulnerable of places and provides opportunities to learn about yourself and grow as a result, in a way that nothing else can. I want to go there.
I didn’t bear my testimony this past Sunday, but if I had, I would have shared my feelings about vulnerable places. Those places that we sometimes voluntarily go to and sometimes try our hardest to avoid. Those places where we put ourselves out in the open, naked, for others to see us as we are instead of who we think they want us to be.
My becoming more transparent about my sexuality has been a fairly gradual and thoughtful and important process. One of the many reasons why it has been so important and impactful for me is that it has often taken me to vulnerable places that are fertile ground for my own personal growth. I’ve grown and become more whole in ways that I know I couldn’t have if I’d kept everything to myself.
It’s also enriched my personal relationships. By allowing myself to be fully seen, I’ve been able to create more meaningful and enriching relationships, whereas before, I felt like nobody fully knew me and therefore no one was qualified to say they loved me. If the words “I love you” were ever said, it hardly ever rang true.
Of course it isn’t all roses now either. It is, after all, a vulnerable place. Showing up as yourself carries a price. Some relationships will require some adjusting and shifting. Some of the seismic activity is uncomfortable, and sometimes it doesn’t lead to where you’d hope it would. It will lead to more authentic relationships though. My sister doesn’t always agree with me. Sometimes she’ll bring up something she’s read on my blog that doesn’t quite ring true for her, and we’ll discuss it and sometimes we still won’t agree. My relationship with her is much more real and meaningful as a result.
Recently I signed up for OKCupid. There’s a part of me that has been calling out for relationship and not just for the companionship (although that is a big part of it). There’s a part of me that hungers, almost masochistically I suppose, for the type of relationship that takes you to a vulnerable place the way that putting yourself out there for someone you are attracted to on all levels only can.
I’ve dated women a little bit before and that has presented its own unique circumstances for growth, but it doesn’t come close to comparing to the limited experiences I’ve had dating men. With men, I feel the experience in every cell of my body (and I’m not talking about sex here). A gay friend married to a woman once told me that he didn’t think he was the jealous type because he didn’t mind the male friends his wife had. I couldn’t help but wonder how that declaration would change if he was in a relationship with a man he felt emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and physically attracted to. I have a feeling that jealousy and insecurity would much more easily rear their heads.
Based on my limited experience, being in an intimate relationship with someone you are completely attracted to stirs up insecurities like nothing else can. It takes you to the most vulnerable of places and provides opportunities to learn about yourself and grow as a result, in a way that nothing else can. I want to go there.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
comfortably silent together
A friend emailed me this quote by Eckhart Tolle:
With any human relationship, the question is, "Is there space?" Use that as a little mantra. Is there space in this relationship? Put bluntly, it's a space when thought becomes unimportant, and any judgment of your mind, even emotion, becomes unimportant when something deeper is there: awareness, stillness, alert, alive, stillness, as space.
This is the type of quote that you could throw out to a dozen people and get a dozen different interpretations, which is one reason why I like it. I reminds me of an experience I had the summer after moving to Portland. I believe I had fairly recently come out to my friend KaRyn and we were at the Oregon coast with a couple other friends. She and I were walking along the beach chatting and eventually the conversation petered out and we just walked in silence for bit. Then KaRyn said, "Aw, we're now the type of friends that can be comfortably silent together."
To me, that quote is about allowing that stillness and silence to exist in relationships as a...um...silent partner. It's a stillness that allows you to see beyond the roles you need the other person to play, the expectations you have for each other. It allows you to get a sense of their essence instead of their ego. It lets go of trying to think of the next thing to say in order to preserve the narrative you've created together, and as a result opens up the relationship to unthought of narratives that might be more substantive and healing.
I think it also creates sustainable relationships. How often do you tire of certain relationships but you can't quite put your finger on why? Maybe it's because the relationship is trying to follow a narrative that no longer serves a purpose but there's fear to alter the chemistry and balance of a relationship because it's worked in the past and is the basis for the relationship.
I've discovered that one sign of a good friend is one who allows you the space to be something new each time you meet by leaving everything they know about you behind and letting you re-create yourself, much like Skye's Sweet Onions of Forgivness.
What about you, kittens? How do you create space in your relationships and what does it feel like to you?
With any human relationship, the question is, "Is there space?" Use that as a little mantra. Is there space in this relationship? Put bluntly, it's a space when thought becomes unimportant, and any judgment of your mind, even emotion, becomes unimportant when something deeper is there: awareness, stillness, alert, alive, stillness, as space.
This is the type of quote that you could throw out to a dozen people and get a dozen different interpretations, which is one reason why I like it. I reminds me of an experience I had the summer after moving to Portland. I believe I had fairly recently come out to my friend KaRyn and we were at the Oregon coast with a couple other friends. She and I were walking along the beach chatting and eventually the conversation petered out and we just walked in silence for bit. Then KaRyn said, "Aw, we're now the type of friends that can be comfortably silent together."
To me, that quote is about allowing that stillness and silence to exist in relationships as a...um...silent partner. It's a stillness that allows you to see beyond the roles you need the other person to play, the expectations you have for each other. It allows you to get a sense of their essence instead of their ego. It lets go of trying to think of the next thing to say in order to preserve the narrative you've created together, and as a result opens up the relationship to unthought of narratives that might be more substantive and healing.
I think it also creates sustainable relationships. How often do you tire of certain relationships but you can't quite put your finger on why? Maybe it's because the relationship is trying to follow a narrative that no longer serves a purpose but there's fear to alter the chemistry and balance of a relationship because it's worked in the past and is the basis for the relationship.
I've discovered that one sign of a good friend is one who allows you the space to be something new each time you meet by leaving everything they know about you behind and letting you re-create yourself, much like Skye's Sweet Onions of Forgivness.
What about you, kittens? How do you create space in your relationships and what does it feel like to you?
Monday, May 23, 2011
an eternity of now
Sometimes I find the idea of living forever completely exhausting and depressing. I think this feeling started to surface when I started exploring and questioning what I really do and don’t believe, especially about what happens after this life. Think about it though, existing for-ev-er is a really long time, especially when I really have no idea what a next life would look like and really only have this life to go on.
I’ve come to appreciate the idea that every moment is perfect and is exactly what I need, if I am just patient and present with the moment and listen to what it has to teach me. The other day I was wondering if maybe there won’t be a separation into kingdoms as rewards in the next life, but that maybe we’ll all end up in the same place. Maybe the separation will only come from our own ability or inability to appreciate the now.
If you’re able to find and appreciate the beauty in each moment, you’ll probably be more successful at enjoying eternity than if you were constantly wishing for a better situation or for whatever might come next. Maybe if I were better at finding the beauty in each moment then eternity wouldn’t sound so exhausting…
I’ve come to appreciate the idea that every moment is perfect and is exactly what I need, if I am just patient and present with the moment and listen to what it has to teach me. The other day I was wondering if maybe there won’t be a separation into kingdoms as rewards in the next life, but that maybe we’ll all end up in the same place. Maybe the separation will only come from our own ability or inability to appreciate the now.
If you’re able to find and appreciate the beauty in each moment, you’ll probably be more successful at enjoying eternity than if you were constantly wishing for a better situation or for whatever might come next. Maybe if I were better at finding the beauty in each moment then eternity wouldn’t sound so exhausting…
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
sherri wants to live with me
Sunday afternoon I sat down on my couch to watch some TV and noticed an envelope taped to my sliding glass door. I retrieved it and found a hand written letter inside that said the following:
Hello my name is Sherri and my mother lives in the unit directly across from you. She informed me that in the recent past you had a roommate and may possibly be looking for another, since the previous roommate has moved. I just moved back home to Oregon after living in California for several years. I will be looking for my own place of course, over the course of the summer, however, in the meantime, I am looking for a room to rent.
I am 37 years old. I work as a veterinary surgical nurse, however, I do not own any pets. I am a non-smoker and I do not use drugs of any kind. I am clean and you will find that I am hardly ever home. In closing, please call me if you are interest.
Sincerely,
Sherri
PS How does it feel to have craigslist come to you? LOL
I'll be honest with you, Sherri, the envelop taped to my sliding glass door was a little creepy. I felt this urge for the rest of the day to close the blinds.
Now I have several questions. I realize that it's not unheard of for people of the opposite sex to be roommates, but I would think it would happen when there was already some kind of established friendship or at the very least an acquaintanceship. I find it odd that a woman would want to move in with a man she knows nothing about.
My other question is if your mother lives across from me, why don't you move in with her?
I'm kind of tempted to take her up on her offer and then make things as weird as possible. Like keep jars of urine on the shelf, or hang out in my Snuggie with nothing on underneath, or pretend like I have Tourrette's, or keep a blow up doll around the house and act like she's real (Lars and the Real Girl style). I could also resurrect Jarrett's severed arm from last summer.
Hello my name is Sherri and my mother lives in the unit directly across from you. She informed me that in the recent past you had a roommate and may possibly be looking for another, since the previous roommate has moved. I just moved back home to Oregon after living in California for several years. I will be looking for my own place of course, over the course of the summer, however, in the meantime, I am looking for a room to rent.
I am 37 years old. I work as a veterinary surgical nurse, however, I do not own any pets. I am a non-smoker and I do not use drugs of any kind. I am clean and you will find that I am hardly ever home. In closing, please call me if you are interest.
Sincerely,
Sherri
PS How does it feel to have craigslist come to you? LOL
I'll be honest with you, Sherri, the envelop taped to my sliding glass door was a little creepy. I felt this urge for the rest of the day to close the blinds.
Now I have several questions. I realize that it's not unheard of for people of the opposite sex to be roommates, but I would think it would happen when there was already some kind of established friendship or at the very least an acquaintanceship. I find it odd that a woman would want to move in with a man she knows nothing about.
My other question is if your mother lives across from me, why don't you move in with her?
I'm kind of tempted to take her up on her offer and then make things as weird as possible. Like keep jars of urine on the shelf, or hang out in my Snuggie with nothing on underneath, or pretend like I have Tourrette's, or keep a blow up doll around the house and act like she's real (Lars and the Real Girl style). I could also resurrect Jarrett's severed arm from last summer.
Friday, May 6, 2011
reclaiming god
I wrote the following for a discussion group I belong to in an attempt to explain my relationship with God. I thought I'd post it here as well.
I’ve found that to make the gospel come alive for me, I’ve had to rewrite the narratives of what the voices in my head tell me about who I am, what the gospel is, who my Heavenly Father and Savior are and how they feel about me and what role I play in the grand scheme of things. That rewriting comes about through the help of the spirit and through personal revelation. I think we too often allow others to define who God is and what his relationship is with us. I find that the perception others have of God often doesn’t resonate with me, (he’s vengeful, he hates gays, he’s the God of one particular political party, he dangles carrots in front of us to get us to do what he wants, he sends trials if we cross him, etc) If I rely on others’ perceptions of him, I think it makes it difficult to conceive of a God that I can relate to and resonate with. If I rely too much on others’ perceptions of him and those perceptions don’t work for me, it’s almost like I let them take him away from me. I let those voices and narratives dominate, which leaves me feeling no connection to my Heavenly Father.
I find though, that proactively taking on the creation of a relationship with him through the spirit allows me to create new narratives, new perceptions, new relationships. I think that’s a big part of why we’re here. To learn how to create. As I’ve created this new relationship, I’ve also found that I need to keep a couple of things in mind. One, I can share and talk about my relationship with God with others, but I shouldn’t try to force others to adopt my perceptions or feel frustrated when how I perceive things doesn’t resonate with them. Related to this idea, if I feel comfortable and confident in my relationship with and perception of God and the gospel, I don’t need to feel threatened by others’ relationships and perceptions. We are all in different places and I think we perceive the God that we need (or even sometimes feel that we don’t need) at certain times in our lives. The second thing I try to keep in mind then, is that I need to be open to the relationship and the perceptions changing, as I grow and mature and become. The God I needed as a child is different than the God I need as an adult. And not that they are two different Gods, I just think that as we grow and mature, our knowledge and understanding of him can become more full and nuanced and personalized if we let it happen.
I’ve found that to make the gospel come alive for me, I’ve had to rewrite the narratives of what the voices in my head tell me about who I am, what the gospel is, who my Heavenly Father and Savior are and how they feel about me and what role I play in the grand scheme of things. That rewriting comes about through the help of the spirit and through personal revelation. I think we too often allow others to define who God is and what his relationship is with us. I find that the perception others have of God often doesn’t resonate with me, (he’s vengeful, he hates gays, he’s the God of one particular political party, he dangles carrots in front of us to get us to do what he wants, he sends trials if we cross him, etc) If I rely on others’ perceptions of him, I think it makes it difficult to conceive of a God that I can relate to and resonate with. If I rely too much on others’ perceptions of him and those perceptions don’t work for me, it’s almost like I let them take him away from me. I let those voices and narratives dominate, which leaves me feeling no connection to my Heavenly Father.
I find though, that proactively taking on the creation of a relationship with him through the spirit allows me to create new narratives, new perceptions, new relationships. I think that’s a big part of why we’re here. To learn how to create. As I’ve created this new relationship, I’ve also found that I need to keep a couple of things in mind. One, I can share and talk about my relationship with God with others, but I shouldn’t try to force others to adopt my perceptions or feel frustrated when how I perceive things doesn’t resonate with them. Related to this idea, if I feel comfortable and confident in my relationship with and perception of God and the gospel, I don’t need to feel threatened by others’ relationships and perceptions. We are all in different places and I think we perceive the God that we need (or even sometimes feel that we don’t need) at certain times in our lives. The second thing I try to keep in mind then, is that I need to be open to the relationship and the perceptions changing, as I grow and mature and become. The God I needed as a child is different than the God I need as an adult. And not that they are two different Gods, I just think that as we grow and mature, our knowledge and understanding of him can become more full and nuanced and personalized if we let it happen.
Monday, May 2, 2011
increasing bandwidth
In my last post, I said that I believe that if we are downloading the gospel, we are probably less than 1% to completion. I think a lot of members of the church, however, believe that we've already downloaded most, if not all of it. One of the stumbling blocks of Mormonism is the belief of its members that it is the only true church on the face of the earth. Like I said in my last post, I think it can lead to complacency, which greatly reduces the bandwidth of our connection to the divine.
I think something that could greatly increase that bandwidth is being open to the fact that we might be wrong and then owning up to it when we discover that we are. The following TED talk is by Kathryn Schulz and she talks about the importance of embracing our fallibility, and what opens up for us as a result. Sometimes she seems like she's trying just a smidge too hard to be an engaging speaker, but she has some really great things to say. Below are some of my favorites:
"Trusting too much in the feeling of being on the correct side of anything can be very dangerous."
"And maybe you thought you were going to grow up and marry your high school sweet heart and move back to your home town and raise a bunch of kids together and something else happened instead."
"This attachment to our own rightness keeps us from preventing mistakes when we absolutely need to and causes us to treat each other terribly."
"For good and for ill, we generate these incredible stories about the world around us, and then the world turns around and astonishes us."
I think something that could greatly increase that bandwidth is being open to the fact that we might be wrong and then owning up to it when we discover that we are. The following TED talk is by Kathryn Schulz and she talks about the importance of embracing our fallibility, and what opens up for us as a result. Sometimes she seems like she's trying just a smidge too hard to be an engaging speaker, but she has some really great things to say. Below are some of my favorites:
"Trusting too much in the feeling of being on the correct side of anything can be very dangerous."
"And maybe you thought you were going to grow up and marry your high school sweet heart and move back to your home town and raise a bunch of kids together and something else happened instead."
"This attachment to our own rightness keeps us from preventing mistakes when we absolutely need to and causes us to treat each other terribly."
"For good and for ill, we generate these incredible stories about the world around us, and then the world turns around and astonishes us."
Monday, April 25, 2011
looking for diamonds with a slow internet connection
I think it's inevitable as a gay Mormon that at some point in coming to terms with your sexuality, you will also do a fair amount of wrestling with your religious identity. Everyone approaches it differently, but so far, I've taken the approach of sifting through the culture and the religion (I don't think anybody can really say exactly where one ends and the other begins) and pulling out stuff that resonates and makes me feel good about myself and my relationship with the divine and I keep it. Then there are the things that don't resonate with me or that I feel detract from my relationship with myself and the divine. Sometimes I have to chip away layers of accumulated calcified (that one's for you, Dan C.) cultural baggage to get to a pure and simple truth. Sometimes I'm not really sure what I've found, or if or when I've chipped away the unnecessary baggage enough to find the gem.
One idea that is commonly shared in a Mormon testimony is a gratefulness to have been born when we have the fulness of the gospel. This is what I'm currently dusting off and taking a look at, and it makes me really uncomfortable. It makes me uncomfortable because I think it leads to complacency. It also makes me uncomfortable because I don't believe that we have a fulness of the gospel. If we are downloading the fulness of the gospel, I think we are probably less than 1% to completion and right now I feel like we have a pretty slow connection and I think it's because of complacency.
I think the mind set of many is that we have the fulness of the gospel, so now we just have to sit around and wait for Jesus to come back, instead of seek to understand how the LGBT population fits into the picture, or what role our Mother in Heaven plays and what a knowledge of Her could teach us about ourselves. And what about gender? Is gender really eternal, and if so, what does that mean? Are we talking about physical manifestations of gender? What if someone is born intersex? What does that mean for them?
I could go on with the questions and I'm sure all of you could add your own and we could come up with a pretty healthy list. When you start to ask yourself these questions, it becomes easy to see that there are a lot of questions that the gospel doesn't answer. I think that in order to get the answers, we have to be willing to live into the tension that those questions create, remembering to breathe, paying attention to the stretching that occurs, the challenge to balance. Most importantly though, we need to remember our greatest responsiblity as humans on this planet is to love our neighbor as ourself.
One idea that is commonly shared in a Mormon testimony is a gratefulness to have been born when we have the fulness of the gospel. This is what I'm currently dusting off and taking a look at, and it makes me really uncomfortable. It makes me uncomfortable because I think it leads to complacency. It also makes me uncomfortable because I don't believe that we have a fulness of the gospel. If we are downloading the fulness of the gospel, I think we are probably less than 1% to completion and right now I feel like we have a pretty slow connection and I think it's because of complacency.
I think the mind set of many is that we have the fulness of the gospel, so now we just have to sit around and wait for Jesus to come back, instead of seek to understand how the LGBT population fits into the picture, or what role our Mother in Heaven plays and what a knowledge of Her could teach us about ourselves. And what about gender? Is gender really eternal, and if so, what does that mean? Are we talking about physical manifestations of gender? What if someone is born intersex? What does that mean for them?
I could go on with the questions and I'm sure all of you could add your own and we could come up with a pretty healthy list. When you start to ask yourself these questions, it becomes easy to see that there are a lot of questions that the gospel doesn't answer. I think that in order to get the answers, we have to be willing to live into the tension that those questions create, remembering to breathe, paying attention to the stretching that occurs, the challenge to balance. Most importantly though, we need to remember our greatest responsiblity as humans on this planet is to love our neighbor as ourself.
Friday, April 15, 2011
my body
I just read John G-W’s post about surrendering and stretching and it got me thinking about some of my own experiences with those same themes. I’ve recently mixed up my exercise routine to include more yoga and I love it. I love that it’s a more contemplative and peaceful form of exercise than some of the other things I do. I also love that it’s more holistic in that it focuses on the development of not just strength, but also balance and flexibility.
I think one of the gifts having our physical bodies is the ability to engage in ritual and to physically act out and experience what happens in our emotional and spiritual lives. The stretching, struggling to maintain balance, the holding of a difficult pose. Sometimes I tense up my whole body in order to hold a pose and I make it much more difficult than it needs to be. Then I’m patiently told to only work the muscles that need to work and let the others relax. My body seems to particularly enjoy tensing at the shoulders. I realize when working my abs that I tense up my neck and face and shoulders and thighs to protect those poor ab muscles from doing the work that I actually want them to do.
Sometimes I don’t fully lean into a pose. There is some stretching that’s going on, but not what it could be. I’m told to tweak my pose just a bit. Open up your hips. Draw your right or left hip forward. Engage your abs. Relax your shoulders. Lead with your heart. Breathe into it. Never stop breathing.
That’s probably another favorite of mine. Holding my breath until it’s over, instead of breathing into the difficult pose and making those tweaks, always conscious of the change that occurs, conscious of the additional stretching that’s able to happen, the challenge to my balance. I assess and breathe and balance. Then I move into the next pose and begin again.
During this type of exercise, it’s much easier to recognize and internalize what a beautiful gift my body is.
I think one of the gifts having our physical bodies is the ability to engage in ritual and to physically act out and experience what happens in our emotional and spiritual lives. The stretching, struggling to maintain balance, the holding of a difficult pose. Sometimes I tense up my whole body in order to hold a pose and I make it much more difficult than it needs to be. Then I’m patiently told to only work the muscles that need to work and let the others relax. My body seems to particularly enjoy tensing at the shoulders. I realize when working my abs that I tense up my neck and face and shoulders and thighs to protect those poor ab muscles from doing the work that I actually want them to do.
Sometimes I don’t fully lean into a pose. There is some stretching that’s going on, but not what it could be. I’m told to tweak my pose just a bit. Open up your hips. Draw your right or left hip forward. Engage your abs. Relax your shoulders. Lead with your heart. Breathe into it. Never stop breathing.
That’s probably another favorite of mine. Holding my breath until it’s over, instead of breathing into the difficult pose and making those tweaks, always conscious of the change that occurs, conscious of the additional stretching that’s able to happen, the challenge to my balance. I assess and breathe and balance. Then I move into the next pose and begin again.
During this type of exercise, it’s much easier to recognize and internalize what a beautiful gift my body is.
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